Can aspie be physically attracted to a girl but not sexually

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can aspie be physically attracted to a girl but not sexually??
Poll ended at 05 Nov 2011, 11:44 am
Yes 57%  57%  [ 12 ]
No 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
It depends 33%  33%  [ 7 ]
Total votes : 21

Justagirl
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27 Sep 2011, 12:56 am

What I meant by physical attraction is that you find a girl pretty, which is the based of romantic attraction.

Physical attraction I meant is that you find him handsome.

Can you have romantic attraction without any attraction to looks?

I don't think so, at least in my experience, I have to like the looks of the guy to be romantically attracted to him.

sexual attraction is the URGE to kiss and have the intercourse, which some aspies struggle with, I understand.

This is what I meant.



hale_bopp
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27 Sep 2011, 1:02 am

Justagirl wrote:
What I meant by physical attraction is that you find a girl pretty, which is the based of romantic attraction.

Physical attraction I meant is that you find him handsome.

Can you have romantic attraction without any attraction to looks?

I don't think so, at least in my experience, I have to like the looks of the guy to be romantically attracted to him.

sexual attraction is the URGE to kiss and have the intercourse, which some aspies struggle with, I understand.

This is what I meant.


Ok.. sorry your poll confused me. I think it's entirely possible to be romantically attracted to someone and not want any sexual stuff. But If he doesn't want to kiss you but wants to kiss others then it seems to me he's not attracted to you like that.

If you find it's painful to be around him, then it will do some good to minimise contact, at least for a while. It will give you a break and let him re-think what he wants.



Justagirl
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27 Sep 2011, 1:11 am

Thanks for your advise.

I am not sure whether he feels the URGE to kiss others. I believe not though.

At least he is 30, a virgin and the last time he believes he was in love was when he met a girl online, but when he met her in person, he fell out of love because he had nothing to talk about.

It seems he is search to FEEL the love, I guess the adrenaline rush and all those things, but he can do only do it toward his imaginations or fantasies, when he actually gets to know a person, he is put off by the idea to have sex.

The whole thing about kissing and intercourse in reality does not attract him. That does not mean he has no sex drive. He gets aroused from porn or seeing beautiful girls on the internet dating sites....

This is what I know based on my research in discussion forum etc, where aspergers men spoke about their experience..



Justagirl
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27 Sep 2011, 1:12 am

Thanks for your advise.

I am not sure whether he feels the URGE to kiss others. I believe not though.

At least he is 30, a virgin and the last time he believes he was in love was when he met a girl online, but when he met her in person, he fell out of love because he had nothing to talk about.

It seems he is search to FEEL the love, I guess the adrenaline rush and all those things, but he can do only do it toward his imaginations or fantasies, when he actually gets to know a person, he is put off by the idea to have sex.

The whole thing about kissing and intercourse in reality does not attract him. That does not mean he has no sex drive. He gets aroused from porn or seeing beautiful girls on the internet dating sites....

This is what I know based on my research in discussion forum etc, where aspergers men spoke about their experience..



Obres
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27 Sep 2011, 1:57 am

He could be having problems keeping up the fantasy of sex. I've found that I can be attracted to a woman and even fantasize about her, and still have the thought lose its appeal when there's a chance of it becoming a reality. Then I'll often think about sex solely in terms of a biological process, which is very unappealing, regardless of my previous attraction. I've come up with a couple of ideas, but I have no one to try them out with at the moment, so maybe they'll help you.

Have you tried watching porn with him, and asking him to try to let himself get aroused, and possibly play out a fantasy? If he can enjoy sexual stimulation like that, perhaps you can integrate yourself into it.

If even that doesn't work, maybe you can ask him to masturbate first, and then cuddle with him. In addition to orgasm releasing oxytocin which allows people to more easily form intimate connections with others, he may come to associate you with sexual satisfaction. Then again, maybe you've always dreamed of a guy who would "love you unconditionally" rather than one who "may come to associate you with sexual satisfaction"



CrinklyCrustacean
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27 Sep 2011, 6:11 am

Justagirl wrote:
What I meant by physical attraction is that you find a girl pretty, which is the based of romantic attraction.

Physical attraction I meant is that you find him handsome.

Can you have romantic attraction without any attraction to looks?

I don't think so, at least in my experience, I have to like the looks of the guy to be romantically attracted to him.

sexual attraction is the URGE to kiss and have the intercourse, which some aspies struggle with, I understand.

This is what I meant.


I'm confused. Is the question:

1) "Can you find a girl pretty, but not be interested in kissing her or having sex with her?"
2) "Can you find a girl pretty and want to kiss her, but not be interested having in sex with her?"
3) "Can you be interested in having sex with her and kissing her, but not find her pretty?"



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27 Sep 2011, 1:40 pm

I'm thinking, maybe you need some space. That is, not let go of the friendship, but step back a bit. It doesn't work very well to be friends with someone if you are wanting more that what is. Particularly if you know (or it's best to assume) that the more that you want isn't going to happen. If you value the friendship, and if there's part of you that wants to hang on to this friendship as a friendship, then honor that and don't give up on the friendship, but also step back and give yourself some space when that part that wants more is in the forefront.


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Last edited by Mysty on 30 Sep 2011, 12:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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27 Sep 2011, 3:21 pm

Justagirl...

I don't know the answer to your situation.
But I know how you feel cause I'm only starting to get over a similar situation now.
I didn't want to get over it. With all my heart I did not want to. But I couldn't stand to be in it either.
I think that... well... this is pretty much my refrain now so much that I should just make it my signature, but you should read White Teeth by Zadie Smith. In case you don't want to, I'll put the pertinent message from it below.

(spoiler alert)

The author dedicated the book to someone named Jimmi who she based a central character named Millat on, someone who another character Irie (who in this facet represents the author) has unrequited love for. Millat loves every girl but Irie it seems. Irie is his best friend and would do anything to be with him. She tries to change herself to be what he wants. But he just doesn't love her.

I feel like even if you don't care to read the book I'd be doing it and you a disservice to try to explain the rest so let me just say it's beautiful enough to warrant my longstanding obsession with it. It is the most hopeful thing in the world, this book, and it sprung from the most hopeless of life experiences. The book doesn't really have a conclusion per se about this issue; it's concluded that Millat doesn't love Irie because he needs her as a friend. I always thought that didn't make sense and I thought "but why doesn't he love Irie?" It still doesn't make sense to me. I think the point is that it doesn't make sense. At the end of the book Irie is having a kid that may or may not be Millat's and no Millat still does not love her but. The life that comes from the destruction of her unrequited love for Millat is every bit as senseless but it comes of it and it's there.

Now: Zadie Smith it is generally agreed is an amazing person. She is generally seen in the literary world as a genius, extremely funny, and beautiful, and no I'm not just saying that cause she's my favorite author. And she based this unrequited love scenario on real life events. She is now married to another person and has a daughter. And she wrote a bunch of books. So life went on for her obviously.

So... again, I don't know what your situation is like or how it will turn out, but I want you to know about this book cause it's the best answer I've found to the question you're asking.