Can aspie be physically attracted to a girl but not sexually

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can aspie be physically attracted to a girl but not sexually??
Poll ended at 05 Nov 2011, 11:44 am
Yes 57%  57%  [ 12 ]
No 10%  10%  [ 2 ]
It depends 33%  33%  [ 7 ]
Total votes : 21

Justagirl
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26 Sep 2011, 11:44 am

I have known a suspected aspie for almost 3 years. During these years, we slowly progressed to be close friends, inviting dinner at each other's places, going for a movies, playing tennis etc.

I considered that i was dating this guy, untill at one point he suddenly became cold. We discussed our feelings, and he said although he likes me as a person very much, he is not in love. He says he experienced love when he was 16 years old and he felt he wanted to spend all the time with this girl. To him love means "to want to spend all the time with the girl" and "to have the desire to kiss her and have sex with her". But simply he didn't experience this although he is close to 30 years old. His rigid view of love now is fixated based on this first love experience.

He is a virgin and only had a internet e mail dating with a russian beautiful girl. He said when they met, they did not have anything to talk about and so broke up after 1 year.

Now I know that he had some physical attraction to me at first as he was really shy in front of me, but then as we got to know each other more and close, he said I am like his sister.

I am confused because he does romantic things like hugging me and some gestures that only couples do, but he is saying that he has no sexual desire for me, not even a desire to kiss me.

I am in so much pain, the fact that he will probably never able to love, or feel the love (conventional way, emotional connection with physical connection etc).

Now I stopped contacting him, but I would really like to tell him that he as asperger's syndrome. I am afraid to offend him but maybe even years later, he will re-think of my suggestion of this diagnosis and realise it....

Can he be physically attracted to me but not sexually? I read some aspies really have no desires toward actual flesh - body of women. They fantasize in their heads or if he sees beautiful girls, he gets aroused, but not from a relationship kind of intimacy...

It is very painful...

Hugs,
Aspielover



TeaEarlGreyHot
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26 Sep 2011, 12:14 pm

For those that are not asexual, physical attraction is generally quite important. It doesn't seem like this guy is outside the norm in this area. It's certainly not an asperger's trait.

As for telling him you suspect he has AS, I'd advise against it. There are several reasons for this, but the main issue here is that you two are not in contact anymore and therefore not on friendly terms at this time. It's plain rude to contact someone you never talk to just to tell them you think they have a neurological disorder.


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pandabear
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26 Sep 2011, 12:17 pm

I would vote for telling him.



Mysty
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26 Sep 2011, 12:21 pm

I'm not going to answer the poll yet because I don't get the question.

Physical attraction and sexual attraction are the same thing. Thus, no one can have one without the other. Two labels for the same thing. That's my understanding of those words, anyway.

But, you seem to think the words mean different things. Maybe you see them as overlapping, but not the same. Which is fine. Just that I don't get what you are asking.

I will say, it's possible to be attracted to someone at a distance, but not in a relationship with them. I've experienced that. Thankfully, for me it's not a general thing but related to certain persons. Or, one person really, as the number of people I know both at a distance and interactively is relatively small.

I don't know what "romantic gestures" he does beside hugging, but it's certainly possible he doesn't see hugging as a romantic gesture. Not an aspie thing, even. Though an aspie angle might be not recognizing your different perspective.


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DeanAdamFry
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26 Sep 2011, 12:38 pm

To sum this up OP, if he gets a boner when around you then he is physically attracted to you otherwise he isn't unless he has difficulties, I wouldn't be surprised if he based love on when he gets a boner.



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26 Sep 2011, 12:41 pm

The thing that sucks about chemistry is that its flighty. He might have, when he first saw you, seen things that were more background about you that were superceded by other things as the social connection developed?

My own experience in the last few years has been that I myself am a bit of a twit in that regard. I really try to avoid getting too close unless I know its possible, I go on a lot of first dates which have really unraveled from my end more than anything. Then again its true that most of my dating has been internet based and when you get to know people online first it establishes kind of an odd precident - if you're inherently a bit brittle in this area it can be a bad idea. I think the difference for me though is, knowing this, I really try not to hurt people's feelings, I'll never act hurt if they aren't into me mainly because I know how this kind of thing goes and know from experience that its not my fault or theirs.

For him to have been with you for a year, in person, I'm not sure if he was still trying to feel his way through it? There is a good possibility that he had no idea what he could expect from himself, what could change, what wouldn't? I think him being so unseasoned with relationships, as well as perhaps emotional wiring that doesn't work as conveniently or transparently for his own understanding as he might wish, might have him in a place where he doesn't really know what to trust or what to go on. If you do get the sense that he's going through the motions and hanging out in limbo like that and it's really staying in the same spot - you may want to find a way to walk this backward a bit.

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through internally in this regard but also understand that if you've already tried as many things as you can think of then there's not really much left to be said. You can't change him, I doubt he can change himself either as again these things really aren't willful. As for telling him that he's an aspie - I would at least suggest to him that he may be, that you're seeing a lot of things falling into place and, of course, that its not to blame him but that knowing this about himself could fill a lot of missing pieces in his life and - as a human being - you don't want to hold back on something he should know.


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Justagirl
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26 Sep 2011, 1:13 pm

Thank you all for your replies.

What I am assuming is that yes, he was initially attracted to me, but as he got to know me more and more and saw my goofyness etc, he saw me as almost like his sister.

He does not get nervous at all. We can talk about philosophy, music, psychology anything freely, and he considers me his best friend.

So then he lost the mystery of me, ended up losing any sexual interest in me....

I also read that after committing to a relationship, most aspies lose sexual interest in a girl.
Aspie man of 60 yrs said he never found his wife attracted but that his wife loved him and married him, and that he believe it was good...

I guess aspies struggle with sexuality all os their lives. It seems they can be aroused with thoughts or some fetish images, but they cannot be aroused with the actual PERSON beside them. As in they find penetrative sex quite disgusting to do.

But he and I really click and can understand deeply. He said he is not attracted to me sexually, but maybe later it could happen, but he told me not to expect for now...

I don't want to lose this precious friendship but it will hurt me if i continue to see him as a friend as a little hope of mine will never disappear if i keep going like this...

It is a torture...

God help me...



techstepgenr8tion
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26 Sep 2011, 1:24 pm

Justagirl wrote:
I also read that after committing to a relationship, most aspies lose sexual interest in a girl.
Aspie man of 60 yrs said he never found his wife attracted but that his wife loved him and married him, and that he believe it was good...

I don't know how much I'd trust that - it seems to very grately from person to person. There are married aspies though, I'd get a second opinion first from them before taking this at face value.

The same for sexuality. I don't know which is more common - if having been through childhood trauma can build such inherent walls in how one operates that they have no idea how to even take them down, if part of it is just having an internal system that's way out of sync with the bellcurve and its just natural consequence in that regard; in my own account I meet someone who actually impresses me on this level once every three or four years, its an incredibly short list and its not about anything arbitary or fetishistic but rather just energy and whether it matches mine, hard to describe any other way.

Understandably though, do what you have to do and if you have to walk away from this guy so be it. If its not a healthy place for you to be then there's really no point.


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Neotokyomushroom
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26 Sep 2011, 1:38 pm

I voted yes, but ask him.
I couldn't, but there are aspies who could.
If you've met one aspie, you've only met one aspie.
We are very different.



Willard
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26 Sep 2011, 2:52 pm

Redacted.



Last edited by Willard on 01 Oct 2011, 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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26 Sep 2011, 3:10 pm

Quote:
he said I am like his sister


I have felt the same way about a former colleague (I think she may be somewhere on the spectrum as well). Although I find her attractive I find it feels wrong to think of her in a sexual context.



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26 Sep 2011, 11:55 pm

I voted a definite "yes". This is not uncommon for men with aspie tendencies. I'm easily put off, even with women who I think are smoking hot or who I have a romantic attraction to. It's tricky.



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27 Sep 2011, 12:17 am

He's describing infatuation.. not love.

It doesn't sound like he is physically or sexually attracted to you (same thing, isn't it?), just likes you as a friend.



Justagirl
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27 Sep 2011, 12:26 am

From the polls, it is pretty clear to me that there is indeed a difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction.

I am 99% sure this aspie guy is attracted to me romantically as we have moments of romance. However, he does not believe he is in love because he does not get the URGE to KISS me or have SEX with me...

Some aspie men have tendency to not be aroused by another human being, but thoughts...

Thank you all.



Justagirl
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27 Sep 2011, 12:28 am

I am thinking of cutting off any contacts with him and see how he reacts.

Maybe he will miss me and re-think his idea of love.

Did any of you aspies make a mistake of letting a girl go and realised later that it may have been love???



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27 Sep 2011, 12:30 am

Justagirl wrote:
From the polls, it is pretty clear to me that there is indeed a difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction.

I am 99% sure this aspie guy is attracted to me romantically as we have moments of romance. However, he does not believe he is in love because he does not get the URGE to KISS me or have SEX with me...

Some aspie men have tendency to not be aroused by another human being, but thoughts...

Thank you all.


Romantic attraction isn't physical attraction.. physical attraction is sexual attraction.. 8O