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Andie09
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:56 pm

Since my diagnosis, I've been doing a lot of reading on Asperger's trying to see where I fit in. I've found some books and sites that ring very true for me and others not as much. One part that has me confused talks about how people with Asperger's often say things that are considered rude or inappropriate. There have been a few instances in my life where I can remember doing this (and it was extremely embarrassing), but for the most part I do not have this problem. I think after talking to me, most people find me to be very sweet and polite, albeit quiet and awkward. Is unintentional rudeness a common issue for aspies?



bruinsy33
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:02 pm

Andie09 wrote:
Since my diagnosis, I've been doing a lot of reading on Asperger's trying to see where I fit in. I've found some books and sites that ring very true for me and others not as much. One part that has me confused talks about how people with Asperger's often say things that are considered rude or inappropriate. There have been a few instances in my life where I can remember doing this (and it was extremely embarrassing), but for the most part I do not have this problem. I think after talking to me, most people find me to be very sweet and polite, albeit quiet and awkward. Is unintentional rudeness a common issue for aspies?
It certainly can be.In the past I was often rude without really knowing it ,likely a combination of my honesty and lack of social grace.Like anything else once you develop an awareness of your behaviour you can modify it and try and be careful before you speak.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:02 pm

I find that it can go either way. Besides the inadvertent 'faux pas' that can occur, some AS people might sound rude because of their radical honesty, but others stick to very strict social rules and sound more formal and more mature than NTs. I also find tht my daughter and some other AS people have higher and clearer moral standards.
J.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:03 pm

I'm not unintentionally rude, but that's because as a child, politeness was drilled into me. I got in huge trouble just for forgetting to say please or thank you. And it was drilled over and over. So I'm now a polite person.

Temple Grandin talks about how children who grew up in the 50s and 60s were expected to be polite and the politeness rules were much clearer back then, every family had pretty much the same rules. She thinks it's harder for people on the spectrum who grow up now, because family politeness rules aren't taught as much.


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Tuttle
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:37 pm

Inadvertent faux pas commonly affect aspies, but others will actually go overfar in the other direction

I know in my case, I'm overcompensating for my social weaknesses because of a complete fear of hurting other people. I so strongly don't want to hurt people that I won't do things that might come across as offensive.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:49 pm

People often read somethings out of nothings. The amount of reading depends on the person. Some people read a little, and what I say doesn't bother them at all. Some people read a lot, and they think that I am horrifically rude. I cannot tell who is likely to read a little vs. a lot, so I have no choice but to say whatever I want to say or to keep my mouth shut, both of which I do, alternately, depending on the social context, which I often forget to read or read wrongly. D'Oh.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:48 pm

btbnnyr wrote:
People often read somethings out of nothings. The amount of reading depends on the person. Some people read a little, and what I say doesn't bother them at all. Some people read a lot, and they think that I am horrifically rude. I cannot tell who is likely to read a little vs. a lot, so I have no choice but to say whatever I want to say or to keep my mouth shut, both of which I do, alternately, depending on the social context, which I often forget to read or read wrongly. D'Oh.


^^^

I'm as polite as I know how to be, (except on the rare occasions when I get into a real verbal fight). But some people have found me to be quite rude when I didn't know that I was being. I think at least part of it is their problem.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:50 pm

I generally tend to be very polite and formal, too much so. Saying "sir" etc. I say "thank you" too much, too, and apologize, etc. So that plug my awkward mannerisms makes me just somewhat weird. I think my polite and formalness was the thing that made the Pakistani guy I met ask what country I was from, I don't think he believed I was an American 20 year old.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 9:59 pm

I would give the question a flat "yes."

It is common, but not a "given." Many of us have had unintentional rudeness trained out of us. Many, I believe, are less aware if it than others, possibly because those around us see it, but don't say anything out of politeness, and possibly because they themselves are aware that we may not understand what we've done or said. Others among us are acutely aware of it only because we may be surrounded by people that have no problem being blunt about it, perhaps because they don't sense anything "amiss" about us other than our "rudeness."

I, for one, was among the last group for almost all of my childhood. It was, I think, because of my own rudeness, though unintentional, yet otherwise appearing as "normal" as any other child, that many thought of me as rude and selfish. I was probably in my early thirties before I even began to understand why it might be happening, and not until I discovered AS that I finally did know why.


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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:00 pm

Andie09 wrote:
Since my diagnosis, I've been doing a lot of reading on Asperger's trying to see where I fit in. I've found some books and sites that ring very true for me and others not as much. One part that has me confused talks about how people with Asperger's often say things that are considered rude or inappropriate. There have been a few instances in my life where I can remember doing this (and it was extremely embarrassing), but for the most part I do not have this problem. I think after talking to me, most people find me to be very sweet and polite, albeit quiet and awkward. Is unintentional rudeness a common issue for aspies?

It's a stereotype more than anything else. It is possible to be really polite and be an Aspie. Politeness has got more to do with the personality and an Aspie can learn to be polite, just like an Aspie can learn to be rude.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:00 pm

I try be as polite as possible as I don't want to offend or otherwise hurt anyone, but trying to avoid offending everyone is somewhat exhausting when social rules don't come naturally to you and you are honest, so I think I've come off as rude several times because I was just being honest and didn't think of a proper way to say it tactfully.



Last edited by Ganondox on Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Synecdoche
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:01 pm

Yeah. While I have unknowingly done/said things people consider rude, I try to be polite around places.

In public, people always think I'm a nice guy, but I'm just polite.



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:04 pm

Dots wrote:
I'm not unintentionally rude, but that's because as a child, politeness was drilled into me. I got in huge trouble just for forgetting to say please or thank you. And it was drilled over and over. So I'm now a polite person.

Temple Grandin talks about how children who grew up in the 50s and 60s were expected to be polite and the politeness rules were much clearer back then, every family had pretty much the same rules. She thinks it's harder for people on the spectrum who grow up now, because family politeness rules aren't taught as much.


I agree. I learned the "rules" of politeness because they were drilled into me. I still sometimes can be unintentionally rude in ways that don't follow rules exactly, like by interrupting a conversation when I don't exactly know when I can interject without being rude. That kind of thing still gets me.

~Kate


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Hyram_Inesh
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:05 pm

i consider myself polite... I do



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Wed Oct 12, 2011 10:26 pm

I'm a very polite person. I'd rather be polite than rude. You catch more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar.


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