Help- My girlfriend is suspicious of my online relationships

Page 1 of 3 [ 34 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

glasstoria
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 468
Location: Missouri USA

15 Oct 2011, 3:55 pm

I don't think that a gf having all his passwords is a good sign for the relationship, whether he has made mistakes or not.

some people from churches and things like that have accounts where they are like BobAmy Jones on facebook, so that it is clear that they are a unit and all messages are visible to both of them. I think it works fine for those who chose to do that, but I personally would feel sad about losing my identity like that, and not having trust there to have separate accounts. Especially if you are just dating and not even married, that is no way to get started on a real relationship where you can't even trust each other. You cant surveil your partner 24/7 for the rest of your lives.

Also, were the mistakes intentional or innocent? There is making a mistake and then there is taking that mistake and letting it turn into intentional actions that would be inappropriate.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 165 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 48 of 200
EQ 12 SQ 70 = Extreme Systemizer


AspieParrot
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 14 Oct 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 2

15 Oct 2011, 4:27 pm

OP here, from my phone, so please excuse any typos.

First, thank you for all your thoughts. They are appreciated. Keep them coming.

I wanted to add some more information regarding some points being speculated about. To the listmobile!

1) I do know what flirting is, and in my case, it usually takes the form of active pursuit, not a background simmer of "I'm a guy and you're a girl, wink wink giggle."
2) This pursuit is not neccessarily because if any attraction or romantic interest. When it manifests, it's usually because I'm in need of attention or interaction.
3) She has every right to be upset. Whether or not she is a control freak is immaterial. The things she has put up with would give anyone pause.

Now, I'd like to think this problem is in the past. After therapy, we came to understand where this need to flirt came from (an easy route to fulfilling interactions), but as someone mentioned, a few months is not a great deal of time, and when it has come up, it has often been very sexual, bordering on lurid, a lot for anyone to get past.

Breaking up is a path we'd love to avoid. She's gloriously tolerant of my Doctor Who obsession. You don't throw something like that away.



curlyfry
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jun 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,502
Location: Latitude : 45.373. Longitude : -84.955

15 Oct 2011, 4:47 pm

If you find such a thrill in pursuit maybe you are not a one woman guy. Not saying its bad but be true to yourself. Don't waste each others time. If you think the relationship is worth it, give her more attention and then she wouldn't have reason to be suspicious.



silvermoon13
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 20

15 Oct 2011, 5:03 pm

It's sweet that you offer reassurance to her, cuz that's important. Sadly though, I do agree with one of the responses above - once trust has been broken, it's really next to impossible to get it back.

I don't think she's purposely trying to be a 'control freak', I think that she is trying to get that trust back but doesn't know how to go about it. It may not be an easy thing to fix, but patience goes a long way. And time heals.

Just remember to compromise, and listen to her needs to get her back to feeling 'safe' again.

If it's a serious relationship try and remember a ring as in marriage. The ring is a circle and you need to have that circle of trust with each other and be careful who you let in. Don't be too open with everyone.

I hope it works out <3



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

15 Oct 2011, 8:00 pm

glasstoria wrote:
I don't think that a gf having all his passwords is a good sign for the relationship, whether he has made mistakes or not.


Serious couples who are keen to keep parts of their lives extremely private usually have something to hide. I think the OP is being selfish, I would have kicked his arse to the curb a long time ago. It's VERY unfair saying this girl is a control freak. She probably only asked for the passwords when she realised he can't be trusted. He is behaving in an manner of a single man. But I guess we will see what happens.



Grisha
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2009
Age: 57
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,336
Location: LA-ish

15 Oct 2011, 8:50 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
glasstoria wrote:
I don't think that a gf having all his passwords is a good sign for the relationship, whether he has made mistakes or not.


Serious couples who are keen to keep parts of their lives extremely private usually have something to hide. I think the OP is being selfish, I would have kicked his arse to the curb a long time ago. It's VERY unfair saying this girl is a control freak. She probably only asked for the passwords when she realised he can't be trusted. He is behaving in an manner of a single man. But I guess we will see what happens.


I never offered my ex-wife my passwords, but gladly gave them to her when asked because I thought it would finally shut her up on the matter. It didn't, she just figured out new ways for me to "cheat" :roll:



hyperlexian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jul 2010
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 22,023
Location: with bucephalus

15 Oct 2011, 9:22 pm

curlyfry wrote:
If you find such a thrill in pursuit maybe you are not a one woman guy. Not saying its bad but be true to yourself. Don't waste each others time. If you think the relationship is worth it, give her more attention and then she wouldn't have reason to be suspicious.

i would agree with this. something very similar to the OP's story happened to me when i was with someone. *apparently* the convos were all above-board and nothing that flirty, but i sensed it was more than a friendship (i never saw the chat logs but somehow i knew). i had a period of extreme jealousy and forbade him from talking to her.... and then over time i realised that our relationship was not functioning properly. the online friendship was a symptom - not a cause.

we eventually saw other people in a type of "open relationship" in an effort to find a way to make the relationship work, and sure enough... my partner and his online friend became lovers IRL.

jealousy *usually* isn't random control freakishness, but rather an expression of one partner feeling insecure about the state of the relationship. there is often a reason for it (i.e. some people "settle" and the partner feels the relationship is wobbly, or a substantial number of people cheat). in the OP's case (and in mine), there was good reason for the jealousy.

OP, if you want your girlfriend to stop being jealous, you may need to go to uncomfortable extremes, like no more female friends online at all (what's wrong with chatting with some men for a while?). you may have had several months of not flirting, but evidently it is not enough to satisfy your girlfriend. you might need to take the extra step, as draconian as it may feel. maybe it will help to learn to make some friends or acquaintances in person, especially mutual friends with your girlfriend, or other couples to hang out with. you can't flirt with her right there, and you can prove yourself to be over that old phase.

i am not sure if i can express this properly, but she probably feels like you are *barely* under control. so that you may not be inappropriate anymore but the desire still lingers. almost like you are straining against very thin wire, so she feels it is necessary to attach stronger cords. she probably thinks that at any moment you could be back to the old tricks.... because that is what you must still want. after all, you are still tempting yourself. it's like a woman who cheats with firemen, then promises not to cheat anymore but still hangs out at the fire hall to make friends with the guys. i would not trust such a woman.

unfortunately you can't really have it remain like this. unless something changes drastically, your relationship seems likely to deteriorate as you bristle under her demands. it was admmirable you explored your issues with therapy, but it seems insufficient to change things.


_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105


Drandmr
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 24 Sep 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 1

15 Oct 2011, 9:46 pm

I'm an NT girl, so I'm not sure how informative my perspective will be. With that caveat out of the way, I am prone to flirting online and have a long-term relationship that I don't want to jeopardize. My guy and I have managed to figure out some guidelines to keep my flirtation habit from making him feel jealous.

First, I bring up my guy early on in any online friendship. By putting it out there early, I try to send a message that says, "Light platonic flirting is fine, but my relationship comes first." If it seems likely online friend hasn't picked up on that message, I will state it explicitly.

Second, I have a hard and fast rule that I don't say or do anything that I would be uncomfortable with my guy witnessing. Not only does that keep me from doing anything I regret, it keeps me from feeling like I have something to hide. I've found in past relationships that even feeling guilty can pique a partner's jealousy, so I try to remove that from the equation.

Finally, if I have done something that I think may have crossed a line, I tell my partner about it right away. By doing this, we can approach slip ups as an ongoing discussion about what makes him uncomfortable. This, in turn, keeps me on his good side. In any relationship, I'm bound to make mistakes, but if I can reassure him that he's my top priority, he's more likely to forgive me when these mistakes occur. Not hiding things from him let's him know that I value my relationship with him more than any online friend and that I'm doing my best to play by the rules.

All that being said, I think platonic flirting with other people can be really good for my relationship. It boosts my self-esteem and keeps me from becoming too needy for his attention. It also reminds him that I'm a catch.



Joker
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,593
Location: North Carolina The Tar Heel State :)

15 Oct 2011, 10:46 pm

Ive had this problem in the past let her know how much she means to you.



OneStepBeyond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,310

16 Oct 2011, 7:26 am

lex's post was a good read
it even included firemen(:



dontslowmedown
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Sep 2011
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 509
Location: uk

16 Oct 2011, 7:37 am

I don't know how people can flirt and keep a straight face. You're always conscious of doing it, they're always conscious of doing it, it's completely obvious to everybody and it's just so embarrassing. I often know what im expected to say in return but i just can't bring myself to respond in that way and it just makes me really dislike the person for putting me in such an uncomfortable position. I could flirt but i'd be disgusted with myself.



Joker
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,593
Location: North Carolina The Tar Heel State :)

16 Oct 2011, 11:56 pm

dontslowmedown wrote:
I don't know how people can flirt and keep a straight face. You're always conscious of doing it, they're always conscious of doing it, it's completely obvious to everybody and it's just so embarrassing. I often know what im expected to say in return but i just can't bring myself to respond in that way and it just makes me really dislike the person for putting me in such an uncomfortable position. I could flirt but i'd be disgusted with myself.


It takes a lot of practice to do :wink:



wyldragon
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 129
Location: VA

17 Oct 2011, 11:09 am

I can tell you that it is extremely painful to see someone you love attempting to pick up other women. It not only makes you doubt what kind of relationship you have, but it can crush your self esteem. I've been the girlfriend in this situation. My ex-boyfriend and I both are Aspies. Discovered I was an Aspie after I broke up with him.

He flirted constantly with other women, even in front of me. I put up with it for a while thinking he was just being playful and perhaps it might be his being an aspie, but it got to be to hurtful for me to hear him tell other women they were beautiful, cute, hot and intriging while I was just "not ugly". He would introduce me as a "friend", and when he told me he would meet/speak to his other "lady friends" I had no idea what context of friendship they were in. I am prone to mutism when put in uncomfortable situations so I couldn't tell him it was hurting me. If she is speaking with you about it, listen to her. Flirting, to me, is an active pursuit of someone. I don't know how extreme your flirting is, but if you love someone and it is hurting them, you should stop the behaviour if you want to stay with them. That doesn't mean you have to stop talking to your friends, just stop the flirting. If you're not sure you're flirting, ask your girlfriend to kindly point it out to you.

I would never ask for another person's passwords. Everyone has a right to their privacy. When it gets to the point you feel like you need to go that far, I feel it is better to break up with the other person.



hale_bopp
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Nov 2004
Gender: Female
Posts: 17,054
Location: None

17 Oct 2011, 5:45 pm

wyldragon wrote:
I can tell you that it is extremely painful to see someone you love attempting to pick up other women. It not only makes you doubt what kind of relationship you have, but it can crush your self esteem. I've been the girlfriend in this situation. My ex-boyfriend and I both are Aspies. Discovered I was an Aspie after I broke up with him.

He flirted constantly with other women, even in front of me. I put up with it for a while thinking he was just being playful and perhaps it might be his being an aspie, but it got to be to hurtful for me to hear him tell other women they were beautiful, cute, hot and intriging while I was just "not ugly". He would introduce me as a "friend", and when he told me he would meet/speak to his other "lady friends" I had no idea what context of friendship they were in. I am prone to mutism when put in uncomfortable situations so I couldn't tell him it was hurting me. If she is speaking with you about it, listen to her. Flirting, to me, is an active pursuit of someone. I don't know how extreme your flirting is, but if you love someone and it is hurting them, you should stop the behaviour if you want to stay with them. That doesn't mean you have to stop talking to your friends, just stop the flirting. If you're not sure you're flirting, ask your girlfriend to kindly point it out to you.

I would never ask for another person's passwords. Everyone has a right to their privacy. When it gets to the point you feel like you need to go that far, I feel it is better to break up with the other person.


Oh my god, that's horrible. What an awful man.



wyldragon
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 129
Location: VA

19 Oct 2011, 7:50 am

Hale_Bopp,
Thank you!



curlyfry
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Jun 2010
Age: 54
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,502
Location: Latitude : 45.373. Longitude : -84.955

19 Oct 2011, 7:59 am

@wylddragon "He would introduce you as a friend." :evil: No one should put up with that. "Hugs" Sorry for off topic just had to say.