Dealing with obsession



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sickforapathyx
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23 Oct 2011, 9:03 pm

How do deal with being obsessed over someone? I've had this problem before, and I've f****d up relationships over it. I have a tendency to get obsessive, think about them a lot, and get anxious about how they're feeling.



tronist
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24 Oct 2011, 3:27 am

this comes from the fear of not being able to find another girl if it doesnt work out with that one. if you talk to a girl too much, obsess about a girl, or see a girl too much too fast, it will often kill a relationship that might have blossomed further.

one time per week. thats how much you should see her. this should be YOU and HER, no 'group dates' or 'parties' or whatever. like dinner, mini golf, movie, etc.

i think there also might be some benefit of not talking to a girl via text, but im not completely positive its more beneficial. i would speculate and say 'dont text' because then the girl isnt wondering what you are doing, and how it could POSSIBLY be without thinking about her hehe.

-dont be 'gushy' by telling her how you feel too much (even at all is too much. if she wonders how you feel about her. this is advantageous because it keeps her guessing)
-NEVER put her on a pedastal.
-never make her feel pressured to feel a certain way about you (decimates attraction before it can build).



Sextaesada
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24 Oct 2011, 12:12 pm

tronist wrote:
this comes from the fear of not being able to find another girl if it doesnt work out with that one. if you talk to a girl too much, obsess about a girl, or see a girl too much too fast, it will often kill a relationship that might have blossomed further.

one time per week. thats how much you should see her. this should be YOU and HER, no 'group dates' or 'parties' or whatever. like dinner, mini golf, movie, etc.

i think there also might be some benefit of not talking to a girl via text, but im not completely positive its more beneficial. i would speculate and say 'dont text' because then the girl isnt wondering what you are doing, and how it could POSSIBLY be without thinking about her hehe.

-dont be 'gushy' by telling her how you feel too much (even at all is too much. if she wonders how you feel about her. this is advantageous because it keeps her guessing)
-NEVER put her on a pedastal.
-never make her feel pressured to feel a certain way about you (decimates attraction before it can build).
I often have the same problem this comment should help me, thanks. :) even with just friends.



Crow_T_Robot
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24 Oct 2011, 12:24 pm

I've ruined a few relationships this way, and probably prevented a few others from starting. I think a good idea is to never allow yourself to fall into the mindset that she's the only one. If you start believing that she's the only shot you have for true happiness, then you'll be putting an unfair amount of pressure on her, in addition to causing yourself a lot of needless stress. One of the things I've learned from numerous breakups is that it always feels like the end of the world, but it isn't. The world is filled with possibilities, and just because you're satisfied with what (or whom) you have, doesn't mean there isn't something or someone out there who's just as good (or even better).


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nick007
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24 Oct 2011, 2:12 pm

sickforapathyx wrote:
How do deal with being obsessed over someone? I've had this problem before, and I've f**** up relationships over it. I have a tendency to get obsessive, think about them a lot, and get anxious about how they're feeling.

I had this problem with my ex & my current girlfriend too. I was very needy & clingy for a bit because of being obsessed. I'm doing a lot better with my current girl because I've spent a lot of time analyzing the mistakes I've made with my ex & I've kind of learned from them. I got on an anti-anxiety med(Buspar) because I was having panic attacks about the relationship & other things & I'm using my obsession with her as a way to motivate me to improve things in my life: I'm taking steps to become more independent & change other things about myself so I can be a more appealing better catch to her & so I can help her with things more. I'm still extremely obsessed with her but I'm acting a lot less clingy & needy than I was & she's kind of obsessed with me too so things are going really well now


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anneurysm
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24 Oct 2011, 7:12 pm

Write it down. I have person obsessions myself, but I get them under control by writing all the stuff I can about them when they come up in my head, and I have devoted entire books to particular people. It is the sappiest, lamest and gushiest stuff known to man, but it works with getting the thoughts and feelings out.

Also, avoid letting the person know you like them...even in subtle ways. It makes things embarrassing for them and more complicated for you.


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MetalAspie
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25 Oct 2011, 12:32 am

I'm having that problem right now with a girl that I've been kinda seeing. I'd been hanging out with her like...everyday for the past 2 weeks, but she only lives in the dorm across the street from me so it's kind of hard not too. I haven't been seeing her as much because we're both so busy with school work, and for a while I was getting really anxious and nervous. I started thinking maybe I did something to make her upset...After reading this thread, I don't really care as much. I think our space from each other is for the better now. I'll probably see her again, maybe I'll continue to take her on dates and fool around with her. And if I don't, theres plenty more fish in the sea :P



tronist
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25 Oct 2011, 5:19 am

Crow_T_Robot wrote:
I've ruined a few relationships this way, and probably prevented a few others from starting. I think a good idea is to never allow yourself to fall into the mindset that she's the only one. If you start believing that she's the only shot you have for true happiness, then you'll be putting an unfair amount of pressure on her, in addition to causing yourself a lot of needless stress. One of the things I've learned from numerous breakups is that it always feels like the end of the world, but it isn't. The world is filled with possibilities, and just because you're satisfied with what (or whom) you have, doesn't mean there isn't something or someone out there who's just as good (or even better).

this. well said bro.

also, sometimes its important on early dates to not spend an extended amount of time together (like no more than 3 hours). like dinner OR a movie, but not both. ONE activity, basically.

actually, a movie alone isnt the best idea unless its later into your dating 'time frame' where you can maybe talk for a LITTLE bit, and hold hands or cuddle if you deem it appropriate. that action will make her confident about how you feel about her, and maybe she'll also feel 'at home' with you. i wouldnt do the whole 'movie' thing until the third date at the VERY earliest, and even still thats probably pushing it if you intend on trying to hold her hand or cuddle at all.

anneurysm wrote:
Write it down. I have person obsessions myself, but I get them under control by writing all the stuff I can about them when they come up in my head, and I have devoted entire books to particular people. It is the sappiest, lamest and gushiest stuff known to man, but it works with getting the thoughts and feelings out.

Also, avoid letting the person know you like them...even in subtle ways. It makes things embarrassing for them and more complicated for you.

im gushy too XD. i need to really work on that. i'll definitely try this technique. i feel it has a lot of potential. thanks for the advice bro :D



Grisha
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25 Oct 2011, 5:25 am

Whenever I am confronted with someone who stubbornly refuses to vacate my psyche, I try to focus on their negative aspects rather than their positive ones, this seems to work over time...

Also, cut off all contact if possible: delete phone numbers, email addresses, etc and try to re-align relationship to civil friendship if you're unable to avoid them completely.


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Last edited by Grisha on 25 Oct 2011, 5:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

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25 Oct 2011, 5:34 am

Being deprived of food, means when food arrives, you eat till your sick.....

I conscious effort of will to fill ones life so as not to appear desperate for the other

Small mouthfuls carefully chewed, even when the void is unbearable



mv
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25 Oct 2011, 10:01 am

Grisha wrote:
Whenever I am confronted with someone who stubbornly refuses to vacate my psyche, I try to focus on their negative aspects rather than their positive ones, this seems to work over time...

Also, cut off all contact if possible: delete phone numbers, email addresses, etc and try to re-align relationship to civil friendship if you're unable to avoid them completely.


I think this is sage advice. I used to be an obsessor (about people), in high school and college. I'm glad this is one of the things I finally outgrew. I think I ultimately realized that I was obsessed with a image of them I had almost single-handedly created, that the reality was so much more grounding and not obsession-worthy.



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