Do you constantly have to remind yourself to make eyecontact

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sluice
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01 Nov 2011, 9:24 pm

I seem to make brief eye contact as an act of acknowledgment of someone's presence, then go about my business while still carrying on a conversation. If I am really busy it is okay, but at other times I think I offend people like I am not taking the time for them if I am not looking at them, even though I will show an interest in what they have to say. I think I am more comfortable and natural that way, but still some people seem to need to be reassured with looking at them as a way of monitoring my attention. If I am trying to make eye contact the way most people seem to do it, then my mind starts wandering onto something else and I pay less attention to what they say. Is anyone like this and what really should I be doing to help my communication with people?



Sweetleaf
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01 Nov 2011, 9:31 pm

I only make eye contact with people I trust......otherwise its terribly uncomfortable, and besides I think its better for most people that I don't look them in the eyes.



gothicfeline
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01 Nov 2011, 9:53 pm

It depends on what you mean by 'eye contact.' If you mean 'look directly at a person' then no, I don't need to work at it. I used to, when I was younger, but I put a whole lot of effort into it (and got scolded a lot) and now I can look at people when I talk to them. I probably do so a little bit less than NTs do, but not by much.

If you mean 'look directly at a person's eyes,' well, I don't do that at all. Ever. I look at mouths and occasionally noses. The only comment I've ever gotten about it is one time when I told a person that I never looked into people's eyes and she was really surprised and told me she never would have guessed. Apparently looking at mouths is enough to pass as normal most of the time.



bicentennialman
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01 Nov 2011, 10:43 pm

Yes; I have to remind myself to make eye contact (and to make the right amount; not too much). It makes it harder to concentrate on what the other person is saying and on what I am saying. With people who know me really well, I can relax and not look at them at all (usually facing 90 degrees away from them), and that allows me to be better at carrying on a conversation.



OJani
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02 Nov 2011, 3:27 am

bicentennialman wrote:
Yes; I have to remind myself to make eye contact (and to make the right amount; not too much). It makes it harder to concentrate on what the other person is saying and on what I am saying. With people who know me really well, I can relax and not look at them at all (usually facing 90 degrees away from them), and that allows me to be better at carrying on a conversation.

This.

I might add that sometimes when I give a person I've never met before the benefit of the doubt it's easier to make (or fake) eye contact with them. After then, when we meet again, I'm less and less able to do so. I don't know why. Maybe I'm beginning to be aware of the distance between us and getting a bit anxious, or I just expect to give less eye contact because I assume we already know each other well enough and I can afford to relax a little?



sMeow
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02 Nov 2011, 3:41 am

I'm always trying to don't have one, even with people that I trust (but I can have a short eye-contact with them). Otherwise, an eye-contact, if it's a bit too... intense, a bit too long... enjoy the meltdown, yay.

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ECJ
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02 Nov 2011, 3:44 am

yes, I have to remind myself to make eye contact. I find it easier to make eye contact with my friends and people I trust; hardly ever make eye contact with strangers because it's too difficult and I'm scared enough already.



alexi
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02 Nov 2011, 4:16 am

I don't remind myself at all. I just don't make eye contact. I believe that there are very few people in my life that would want me to feel that uncomfortable just to gain eye contact from me. I have been learning to work better within my limits to improve my life, and this is one of the areas where the cost to me outweighs any gain.



Spacewarp
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02 Nov 2011, 4:39 am

Yes, most of the time I have to remind myself (other times I just don't). I often don't make full eye-contact though since I've found that people don't seem to care if you are looking them in the eyes or just in the direction of their face. Usually I just make "sweeps" across their face every now n' then; this is a lot easier than real eye-contact.



Mummy_of_Peanut
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02 Nov 2011, 5:48 am

Yes, it's something that's on my mind a lot. I try to make eye contact, but in the process, I lose my train of thought. But, I've been observing (sounds too scientific) a woman whom I've been speaking to quite a bit recently. Our kids are in the same afterschool class and we talk whilst we wait. When she's talking, she never looks at me, and her gaze is somewhere in the distance. She's obviously concentrating on what's she's wanting to say and looking at me would be distracting. But when I'm talking, she's watching me and making lots of eye contact. She appears to be watching for visual clues to what I'm talking about. It's been a different experience from speaking to most other people, who make intermittent eye contact at varying intervals for various lengths of time.


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ToughDiamond
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02 Nov 2011, 6:54 am

Yes. I don't find eye contact uncomfortable, in fact I can quite enjoy it, but I keep forgetting. I'll greet people at work as they pass, with the usual "Hi, [INSERT NAME IF POSSIBLE] how you doing?" and then I'll realise after they've gone that I was looking at their shirt or whatever. :x

Making eye contact does distract me a little from what's being said, but I think that if only I could make it a habit, I could overcome that. Sometimes when I'm in conversation with somebody I know and trust reasonably well, I get into the swing of it without too much distraction. What I'd really like is a set of video clips showing what good eye contact looks like.



Surreal
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02 Nov 2011, 10:42 am

Yes.

Mostly because of my job.

If I'm not at work, I really do NOT WORRY about EYE CONTACT. It just ain't NATURAL to me. :?


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Andie09
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02 Nov 2011, 1:24 pm

I try to make direct eye contact every so often in conversation, but while I'm looking at their eyes I can't focus on the conversation. Its almost like its too personal, like I'm being held under a spotlight. Its very uncomfortable. I'll usually lose track of what the person is saying because in my head my thoughts start racing. The degree to how uncomfortable/distracting it is seems to vary on my relationship to the person. If its my parents or roommate, I don't seem to have much of a problem at all. I guess the less I know you, the less I'll look you in the eye. However, I do want to clarify that I still will naturally look at people I talk to...just not in their eyes. I have a tendency to stare at mouths/teeth. I don't think anyone notices.