A sample of my story

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I'm glad I helped. Just one more thing. If the "I do draing as a kind of hobby" part is directed to the reader it get's confusing saying: "as I just told you", since Mat wasn't sharing a monologue with the reader.

All the best!

P.s. writting the story in a non chronological fashion is not a problem. Again, Simarilion was Tolkien last book to be written, but it is where it all starts. You also have Starwars as another example. IV, V and VI where written before I, II and III.

It is interesting that you say that you changed the style of storytelling. Petter, the character I just told you about, does the same in that book. He's the narrator, the book starts when he's older and he tells his story almost since his birth. So there are frequent changes as to talking in the first person or on the third person. One more thing in common.

Yeah, but in the prolouge parts I'm showing you, it'll switch in between character's perspective's for about a chapter or so, so you'll get parts covering Mat, Clarene, Kipo, Rhobin and various other characters. But I suppose that's been done before!

Don't worry about it. Creativity is in the contempt, not in techines. And you are very creative and imaginative. Still, if you want to learn new or more techniques, have you ever thought about taking a creative writting seminar? They've helped me alot and they are usualy cheap.

I know, I know...

I actually recently took a Creative Writing Exam. In NZ it's not ranked with A+, B- and all that, but rather on and Acheivment basis. How it goes is that it's ranked on four level in the following order: Not Acheived ("You failed, sucka!"), Acheived ("Meh, you passed"), Merit ("Pretty Good, man!") and Excellence ("Hot Damn, that's awesome!"). I got a Merit for it! I might post it up in the short stories section sometime, eh?

Oh, and another sample of my story! This one's a whopper!!

'We had been tramping for ages. And I mean ages. The only sense of hope was when we actually did cross the Uytel River, but that seemed ages ago, and we still weren’t there. It didn’t help at all that there were absolutely no clouds in the sky, so the sun beat down and I was pretty sure I was starting to go a shade of golden-brown.
“Ugh, it’s so hot!” Rhobin complained from the back.
“You’ve said that ten times already!” I replied.
“She has said it twelve times, actually.” Kipo said. She behind Rhobin
I was feeling annoyed already, and Kipo’s correction didn’t help.
“We need something to pass the time.” Jazza said from in front of me, leading the way.
“Like what?” Clarene said, just behind me.
“I dunno.” Jazza said. “I was just thinking.”
“How about we come up with maths problems for Kipo to figure out?” Rhobin suggested
“How would you know she’d be getting them right?” Hither said in last place, in an almost rude tone of voice.
“Dude, she always gets it right!” I said to him.
“He’s right you know.” Rhobin said
“Alright, what’s 32 times 12?” Hither said. Kipo didn’t answer. “Dude, what’s 32 times 12?”
“You have to say her name first.” Clarene said.
“Fine.” Hither sighed. “What’s 32 times 12, Kipo?”
“What?” Kipo said.
“Dude, is she stupid or what?” Hither said.
“Hey, be fair on her.” Jazza said.
“How can I be nice if she’s stretching my brain this badly?” Hither said rudely
“Well, it’s not her fault.” Rhobin said.
“I’ll do it.” I said. “Kipo, what’s 32 times 12?”
“384.” Kipo replied.
“What’s 11 times 45?” Hither answered. Again, Kipo didn’t answer. “Why is she ignoring me?” he complained. “What did I do to her?”
“Nothing.” Clarene said
“Look,” Rhobin said, “you have to say her name first to get her attention. She probably can’t even hear what I’m saying right now. Right?” she said to Kipo. No answer. “See?”
Hither sighed in frustration. “Fine. Kipo, what’s 11 times 45?”
“495.” She replied.
“See?” Clarene said “Simple as that.”
“Easy for you to say…” Hither said.
“Kipo,” Jazza said “what’s 54 times 27?”
“1,458.” Kipo said.
“What-I mean, Kipo,” I said. I was a bit embarrassed that I forgot this simple rule “What’s 24 times 54?”
“1,296.”
“Kipo, what’s 18 times 67?” Clarene asked
“1206”
“Kipo, what’s 45 times 10?” Jazza asked
“It’s 450!” Hither interrupted as Kipo said 450. “It’s so easy, why’d you ask that?”
“It’s something to pass the time.” Rhobin said.
“Yeah, well if she’s good at maths you may as well ask something hard.”
I knew Clarene would be wound up by Hither by now, so I was only a little bit surprised that she stopped suddenly and turned to face Hither.
“Look.” She said, quite firmly, “We’re all tramping here to this waterfall, and we all know it’s going to take bloody ages, and you’re constant complaining isn’t going to get us any closer to it.”
By now we had all stopped except for Kipo, but Jazza took care of that.
“I don’t care if you complain to me,” Clarene continued, “I can take that, but what I won’t take is if you keep on directing it at Kipo, because she’s done nothing wrong. Neither have I, but I just can’t take that sort of thing.” She had said this quite strongly, which she didn’t do that often, but I know her well enough to know that when she’s offended, she’ll let the person who offended her know. All of us knew that she was referring to Kipo’s Efburgeson’s. Well, everyone except Hither.
“Sheesh, what did I do?” Hither said
“You don’t have any idea, do you?” Clarene said, thoroughly annoyed.
“C’mon.” Rhobin said after the second where Hither didn’t speak. “We’d better keep going.”
“You’re right.” Jazza said, “Standing here’s not gonna get us any closer to the falls.”
We kept on walking, and nobody talked for a while. I was wondering whether or not anyone would speak, and then Rhobin said “Kipo, what’s 7 times 65?”
“455.” She said
“Kipo, what’s 9 times 54?” Clarene said
“486.” Kipo answered.
“Kipo, what’s 14 times 85?” Jazza asked
“1,190.” Kipo replied, in the same simple and flat tone of voice she had used for all the rest of her answers.
“Ooh, I got a hard one!” I said. I wanted to make a contribution, too, and I though a hard one would mix it up a bit. “Kipo, what’s 379 times 438?” I picked the digits specifically, trying to make them ‘irregular’. And by that I mean digits that are just plain hard to multiply, like 7 and 8. It wasn’t hard for Kipo though.
“166,002.” Kipo said after about three seconds of thinking.
“How about…” I thought for a few good seconds, trying to come up with a really good and juicy equation. Then I just said
“What’s to 9 to the power of 10 times 5 to the power of 13?” Clarene actually tripped over in amazement at the thought of even considering an attempt to figure out an equation like that without a calculator. Kipo remained silent for about twenty seconds. It was actually quite suspenseful waiting for her to return an answer to my equation.
“4.256328614501953125 times ten to the power of 19” Kipo said
“Wow.” Rhobin said.
“What’s that in ordinary numbers?” I asked
“4,256,328,614,501,953,125” Kipo said simply. Nobody spoke. We were all stunned at what she just said, it was just so long. So long that numbers don’t do it justice. Here’s what she said in words:

Four trillion two hundred and fifty-six billiard three hundred and twenty-eight billion six hundred and fourteen milliard five hundred and one million nine hundred and fifty-three thousand one hundred and twenty-five

See what I mean? I’m not even sure if billiard and milliard are actually real terms or not!

Still we were all silent. Rhobin had actually stopped in amazement and shock, but caught up again as she was getting left behind.
“Whoa…” Jazza eventually said after a long moment’s pause.
“Now, how do you know that that’s right?” Hither said
“Look, whenever we’ve doubted Kipo before, we just whipped out a calculator to figure out the answer.” I said.
“I say that you still can’t trust her…” Hither said doubtfully
“She’s still got a clean record.” Rhobin said.
There was another short moment of silence, but then Hither spoke.
“Kipo, what’s 45 times 97?” Hither asked
“4,265.” Kipo said. All of us thought that Hither had changed his approach to Kipo
“Kipo,” Hither said again after a moment, “what’s 97 times 45?”
“4,265.” Kipo said.
“Oy.” Clarene said
“Kipo, what’s 45 times 97?” Hither asked again. ‘So much for that.’ I thought.
“You’d better stop that.” Clarene warned.
“4,265.” Kipo said
“Kipo, what’s 23 times 7?” Hither asked. There was a silence in the air, almost like a sigh of relief.
“315.” Kipo said
“Oh, sorry Kipo,” Hither said, “I wanted to know what the answer to 97 times 45.”
“I telling you, if you don’t stop that right now…”
“Kipo, what’s 45 times 97?”
“Alright, that’s it!” Clarene shouted “You’ve been pissing me off for long enough! I can’t tolerate any of your behaviour! You’re just such an immature brat aren’t you!? I mean you can’t even go five minutes without putting someone down! Either I’m going back or he is!”
“Fine, I’ll go back!” Hither said, “It’s a shorter way back there anyway!”
“Good!!” Clarene yelled “The world’s better off without you!!”
“Great!!” Hither said as turned back the way he came “I’ll send my regards to Grodin!”
“Frankly, I don’t care whether you complain to the Headmaster!!” Clarene shouted “Make sure you hurt yourself on your way back!!”
And then Clarene continued walking down the path. We had all stopped to watch the argument, and were staring at Clarene as she walked past us. Everyone except Kipo, of course, who had been distracted by the argument, but just kept on walking afterwards. Clarene caught up with Kipo and walked on.
I was able to hear Kipo say to Clarene “I want to tell him what the answer to 45 times 97 was…”
“I know, Kipo, I know…” Clarene sighed.
“She sounded like my mother.” Rhobin whispered to me.
“Yeah?” Clarene said “Well I don’t care right now.” and she stomped up over the hill. As I made my way up to the top of the hill, I turned around and could see the shrinking blip that was Hither. He turned around to look back for a moment, and I’m pretty sure I saw him pull a rude gesture, which I ignored. Hither then turned again and headed back down the path.'

cool! Can't wait to read the whole story!

Thanks for sharing your writing KBABZ. A fitting response deserved more time than I could give this past weekend. Sorry for the delay. I think you have great potential as a writer and that you must keep writing ! I look forward to reading your finished work someday. That's great that you are taking creative writing exams and developing your skills all you can.

Philostrate wrote:

"Still, if you want to learn new or more techniques, have you ever thought of taking a creative writing seminar?"

Great advice! Natural talent is a wonderful thing but if you feel passionate about writing, then seminars/writing courses can be great as they encourage and guide you. An Aspie I know of who's been published more than once at JKP took correspondence courses with The Writer's Bureau. They give you assignments that are designed to be turned into a piece of work for submission to editors. They teach, in regard fiction, the importance of understanding how to plot and structure your story, that a writer needs to know his/her characters(write little biographies for them) and needs to know how the work should be presented. They'll tell you that good ideas are not enough to get you published. You need good ideas, a bit of flair with your writing style, and you need to know how to approach publishers in a professional manner. If all this is in order, then you could be up to publishing standards.

Great to read your work:). Thankyou!

Quite ironic what you said there, actually! I haven't come up with a full structure, more of a basic idea of where the story's heading to (some areas are WAAAY more developed than others). The presentation thing I think I could learn from. As for the little biographies, that's the most ironic part of all, because I've gotten so in depth that for a part where the main character looks into the diaries of another character, I went ahead and started writing out the entire diary from page one, thinking that I could take authentic exerts (<is that right?) instead of little made up bits for that moment. Also allows the potential for a side-on book, almost like JK Rowling's Monter guide book!

Writing Flair I have no problem with. Here's the reason why:

'He wrote using his pencil that he and Clarrissa will be gone for quite a bit, probably up until, uh, u-until, "Hey Clarrissa? How long should we be gone for?"
"About an hour, tops."
He wrote using his pencil that he and Clarrissa will be gone for quite a bit, probably up until six thirty, tops.'

And yes, I've made a scene about Clarrissa's name:
'"Wait, you spelt my name wrong." Clarrissa said as Koise slipped the note under Zoe's pillow, "It's got two r's."
"Doesn't matter." Koise said.'

^Neato! I also came up with the idea of weaving a backstory this-is-what-happened-in-section-one kind of thing by having the main character Koise recall his recent adventures to other characters (I make sure to add some flair to the mix, such as jokes, opinions, and deviations to other subjects of conversation). Due to certain major events, it all feels very natural. This is done in section two; after that, well, too bad!

Just a little update on a big, BIG chunk of writing for 'all in one go' purposes.

"It was at this moment Kipo walked along and sat down. She didn’t say hi or anything, she just sat down and minded her own business. About six months ago, we found out why. It wasn’t because she was trying to be rude; she acts kindly and always means well, and it wasn’t because she was an uptight snot who didn’t care about the world at all; that job belongs to Ishlya, Kipo is light-hearted, and has long hair and wears a simple set of clothes; usually in a light tone of white or some other colour. We found out it was because she has what’s called Efburgeson’s Syndrome.

Efburgeson’s Syndrome isn’t too much to be worried about, oh no, not at all. In fact it’s not even a syndrome, it’s more of a mental characteristic than anything else, in my opinion. What it is is that Kipo isn’t exactly the best socialiser. She doesn’t make eye contact when we’re talking to her (and because of our relatively big eyes this can be really obvious), and another part of having Efburgeson’s Syndrome is that she can’t pick up sarcasm, as well as having difficulty picking up and deciphering metaphors, because she takes things very literally. For example, one time at our tree, we were talking about how Clarene’s pet Dipil , Cypher, had died. I said, “I guess it decided to hang up, then.” Now, this would usually be a fancy way of saying that the dipil died, but Kipo couldn’t pick it up, and so she said, “But Cypher wasn’t on the phone”, and she was obviously a bit confused when she thought we were suddenly talking about Cypher on the phone. Another problem we have to overcome is that her full name is Kipohan, but because she’s been called Kipo for all her life, whenever we call her Kipohan she juts doesn’t pick it up at all and continues to ‘ignore’ us and get on with what she was doing. Another thing is that she also can’t really pick up physical social cues such as raising an eyebrow, or us looking away when we’re bored.

This isn’t to say that everything about her is limited, though. Kipo is actually quite a logical thinker, and she’s actually bumped up from the grade she’s supposed to be in. Before that, which was about a year or two ago, Kipo had been the subject of some bullying by the other, meaner kids in the school, such as Grodin, and spent most of her time by herself on the outskirts of social interaction. When she got bumped up, our group had heard about it, and so we let her into our group. She has been having a bit more of an enjoyable life, although somehow we all feel she hasn’t noticed it yet. Anyway, the area she particularly excels in is Maths. I mean really, she’s better than a scientific calculator (the latter has way too many features to figure out by yourself). A personal favourite Maths thing she knows is all multiples of every number from 1 (duh, obviously) to 476 up to 243 (so the first set would be 1x1 to 1x243, and the absolute last one would be 476x243). Why 476? Well, she said to us that that’s when she got tired of figuring out the multiples, and whenever we tried to get her to specifically figure out the multiples of any number of at least 477, she would simply refuse not to, and one time she even got really angry with us, threw her lunch at the tree, and wouldn’t talk to us for two weeks. She even avoided trying to be in our presence, and by word of other students we found out that she was doing everything to avoid us from hiding in bushes to bursting into classrooms uninvited to avoid us as we were walking through the hallways (the students who told us, of course, had no idea why she was doing that, fortunately).

Despite her oddities, we take good care of Kipo, defending her when she gets hassled by the bullies and the sort of things you do as friends.
“Hi Kipo.” Clarene said
“Hi.” Kipo said. We weren’t surprised that she didn’t turn her head towards us as she said hi. But we knew she meant well.
“How was your morning?” Clarene asked
“Nice.” Kipo said
“What did you do?” Clarene asked
“I got up, then I put my clothes on, then I brushed my hair, then I ate my breakfast, packed my bag, and then I made my way to school.” She said simply.
“Did you do anything else?” Clarene asked
“No, that is all I did.” Kipo said.
“How was brushing your hair?” I asked. We always ask Kipo these sort of simple questions to keep her interest.
“There was a knot around the back end of my hair, and my hairbrush broke when I tried to brush it out.” Kipo said
“Did you get the knot out?” Clarene asked
“Yes, but I had to use my mother’s hairbrush.” Kipo said. She went back to whatever she was doing. Probably coming up with complicated Algebra formulas, which she likes to do (although multiple times the formulas have already been used in a Maths workbook, so she had to come up with another one).

***later on, although there's writing in between this, but it's not relevant***

Then at that exact moment, the bell rang. It was too early even for us to be dismissed from Home Class, so I just had to wait a few seconds for it to be proven that it was a Fire Alarm. Nobody in the classroom started to panic or run around I circles as if they just lost their heads. This sort of thing happens all the time, and every, and I mean every time they are false alarms. Costs the school quite a bit, too. Nobody ever takes this sort of thing seriously either (except for Ms. Taapo, of course), and we all walked our way outside using the Fire Exits on the side of the building. As soon as we were outside, we made our way back to our tree. During any alarm, we go here as a kind of gathering place. When we got there, Jazza, Kipo and Clarene were at the tree, with Jazza up in the branches and Clarene looking after Kipo.
“Well, here we go again.” I said
“Yeah.” Clarene said.
“How’s Kipo?”
“She’s fine.” Clarene answered.
Robijn jumped up into the branches of our tree to join Jazza. It was at this moment, of course, that Grodin arrived with his two Smilaf and Molin friends and a new one behind him.
“Hey punks.” He said, in a rude tone of voice.
“Hey Godie.” I said, in a mockingly affectionate voice.
“Shut up.” He said. “I’m going to snag off school.”
“Again?” Robijn said
“Yes, again.” Grodin said.
“Make sure to bring back a postcard for us then, it sounds exciting!” Clarene said.
“I can give you a souvenir right here, if you’d like!” Grodin said, cracking his knuckles.
“No thanks,” I said “We just ate. Besides, you’re probably very tired from setting off the Fire Alarm.”
“Again.” Robijn added.
“I did it all for Kipo.” Grodin said. “I’ll get you something nice at the adult shop.” And then he walked off.
“He’s such an ass-hole.” Clarene said.
“Don’t I know it.” I said. We all knew what Grodin meant by ‘I did it all for Kipo’. You see, another part of having Efburgeson’s is hypersensitivity. When Kipo is surrounded by a lot of people, she feels very uncomfortable, because they are in her own space. When there is a lot of noise around, Kipo will stop whatever she’s doing and try to block it out, and the same goes for bright light (this is why she likes being in dark places). She also gets a humongous fright from sudden loud, and often explosive noises. This is why we don’t take her with us to Fireworks Night, because there are a lot of people, it can get quite noisy and there are bright lights in the stands. The opposite is Kipo’s room: it’s very quiet, often dark or in the least, shady, and also small (due to a liking of small spaces). I might note that this was a picture-perfect day, so there was a lot of light going on. Soon, a teacher came along wearing a bright shirt like construction workers and bus drivers wear.
“Okay Kipo,” Clarene said, who had been tending to her this whole time, “It looks like it’s nearly over Do you want to go back to class?”
“Okay.” Kipo mumbled.
“Okay,” Clarene said softly, “Lets go.” And so Clarene got Kipo up and led her back to class. And then the worst thing possible happened.
The teacher in the bright shirt blew on the air-horn.
The noise was loud and ear numbing, even for me, but for Kipo, I can imagine that it felt ten times worse. As soon as the loud entered her ears, she screamed loudly and crouched down on the ground within a second, with her arms over the back of her neck.
“Flitch!!” Clarene said in annoyance. Even she got a scare from the air horn. Then she went to caring for Kipo, who was still crouching on the ground. I quickly went over to supervise.
“Kipo?” Clarene said softly. “Kipo, are you okay?”
Kipo just mumbled something, and she sounded very scared.
“Kipo? Kipo, it’s going to be okay.” Clarene said. She then crouched down and started to rub Kipo’s feet. I know, this seems odd, but for Kipo, it’s soothing, and it helps to relax her in a moment like this. Almost as soon as Clarene had done so, Kipo started to relax. She was still scared, but her arms became less tense and they started to slide down her neck.
“Kipo, it’s alright, it’s going to be okay.” Clarene said reassuringly. After a short while longer, Kipo was now just crouching with her head down.
“Kipo, do you want to go back to the classroom?” Clarene asked.
“Okay.” Kipo said quietly.
“We will go on the outside of the school, around the Mathematics block, where it’ll be more quiet. Would you like that?”
“Yes.” Kipo said.
“Okay. Let’s go.” And then Clarene lifted Kipo to her feet and led her back to class around the Maths block, on the other side of the gardens. I knew Clarene had to resist hugging Kipo, as she doesn’t like it when people do that to her. I know we all care about Kipo, but nobody cares for her as much as Clarene does."

Another big Whopper of my story I'd like to share with you guys and gals.

"“She sounded like my mother.” Robijn whispered to me.
“Yeah?” Clarene said “Well I don’t care right now.” and she stomped up over the hill. As I made my way up to the top of the hill, I turned around and could see the shrinking blip that was Hither. He turned around to look back for a moment, and I’m pretty sure I saw him pull a rude gesture, which I ignored. Hither then turned again and headed back down the path. Then I heard Kipo come dashing back to where I was. I turned and saw her running to grab something from besides where I was standing. It was her Dayol Cube.

A Dayol cube is a little cube made up of various smaller cubes, and each side of the smaller cubes is magnetically charged. The point of it is to assemble the entire cube, but each cube has six sides of varying magnetism, one for each side, and so it’s actually quite hard to put back together. Kipo is very attached to this; depending on how she’s feeling, the time it takes for her to assemble it from scratch can vary from as long as fifteen minutes (quite a while for a dedicated player like her) to little under a minute! She also freaks out when she doesn’t know where it is; one time at school she realised she lost it in the middle of a science lesson, and she had a complete panic attack. She couldn’t concentrate at all during class, she was shaky and fidgeting, sweating quite a bit, and she was extremely nervous. The sad thing was the teacher wouldn’t let her leave the classroom, and that made her even more nervous. Clarene then left to go to the toilet, but had whispered to me earlier that she was actually going to search for her Dayol Cube. She went back to the art room, which was where our last lesson was, and it found it under the table Kipo was sitting in. She quickly dashed back to our current classroom and handed it back to Kipo under the desk, and Kipo looked the most happy I had seen her in a long time.

“Kipo?” I said when she started to walk back “You know how Hither said the same equation several times?”
“Yes. I know.” She said
“When he asked you them, did you start the calculation all over again, or did you just refer back to the same answer because you knew they were the same?” I had always wondered this, and only now was I reminded that I still hadn’t asked her about it.
“I re-did the entire calculation.” Kipo said.
“Do you know why?” I asked
Kipo was silent for a few seconds, and then said, “Because he had asked me a different calculation.”
“Okay.” I said. Kipo started to walk down the path towards the others, but she only went a short distance when I said
“Kipo?”
She stopped and turned around again.
“Are you excited about getting to the falls?” I asked.
“No.” she said, and she continued walking. I was a bit disappointed by this reply; I was expecting something a bit more in-depth. But then, Kipo has a way of just answering the base question, and not getting into any more detail than what you just asked her.
“Kipo?” I said again. “Why aren’t you excited about going to the falls?”
“Because I do not like water and I cannot swim.” She replied.
“Are you scared?” I said. Silly question, but I wanted to keep the conversation going.
“Yes, a little bit.” Kipo said.
“Why?” I asked. Kipo was silent. I knew I hadn’t been specific enough with my question. “Why are you afraid of water?”
“Because when I was six I was forced into the bath and I did not like it.” She said.
“Why didn’t you like it?” I said
“Because my mum was being mean and I wanted to solve my Dayol Cube.” She said.
“Okay.” I said. I thought this was a bit strange, hating water because of not wanting to go into the bath. Kipo then turned round, walked a short way down the hill and went straight into Jazza, who was walking back. Kipo yelled in fright and dropped her Dayol cube, which broke apart sending the cubes all over the ground. Almost immediately Kipo was gathering the cubes up and putting them in her pockets.
“Sorry Kipo.” Jazza said.
Kipo finished collecting her cubes and got up.
“Mat, come down here!” he said. I went down the hill to meet him. As I did he called Kipo back, who was continuing on. As I got to Jazza he said
“Listen, do you hear that?”
I listened intently to the noise of the bush, trying to pick out anything of interest from all the rustling plants and the occasional sound of wildlife.
“I don’t hear anything.” I said.
“Try again, then.”
I started listening again, trying to try harder than I had before, and then I picked up something. It was a kind of faint, low rumble, but not anything of a violent nature.
“I hear something.” I said, “What is it?”
“Probably the falls.” Jazza said. A sense of immediate relief fell over me as I realised we didn’t have to walk another thousand miles anymore. I noticed Kipo go a tiny bit nervous.
“Don’t worry.” I said to her. I turned to Jazza. “Should we tell him? Hither, I mean.”
Jazza considered this for a moment. “Nah,” He then said, “Clarene would kill me if I did. She and Robijn have already gone ahead to check it out.”
“Check out what?” Kipo asked. Jazza and me, although used to these kinds of questions from Kipo, looked at each other for a second.
“They’ve gone to check out the falls.” Jazza said.
“Okay.” Kipo said.
“We’d better go now if we want to catch up with them.” Jazza said
“Let’s go then!” I said, and we dashed off down the path. A split second later, I realised Kipo hadn’t gone with us.
“Kipo?!” I said, turning around. “Are you coming?”
“No, I do not want to.” Kipo said.
“C’mon, Kipo!” I said, starting to walk back. “You’ve made it this far! Why stop now?”
“I do not like water.” Kipo said
“But Kipo!” I said, almost with a touch of desperation, “We’ve walked ten of miles to get here! It’d be stupid to say no now!” By now I was nearly up to Kipo.
“But I do not want to go!” Kipo said.
“Well, why did you come in the first place?” I asked
“So I could be away from Grodin.” Kipo said.
I sighed. This was a good enough reason for Kipo to come along. “Look,” I said, putting my hand out, “It’ll be okay. We’ll stand a good distance from the waterfall. It won’t touch you.”
“But I could fall into the river.” Kipo said
“We’ll stand away from the river too, then.” I said. “Please, just come with us. It’ll be less fun without you.” Now I was starting to get desperate.
“Do you promise we’ll stay away from the waterfall and the river?” Kipo asked
“I promise.” I said.
Kipo was silent for a while.
“Okay,” she said at last. “We will go to the waterfalls.”
“Cool.” I said with relief, “Let’s go. Jazza is probably wondering where we are.” And so we dashed down the path after the others.
As we made our way after Jazza, we passed quite a few trees of varying kinds, in all their odd and extravagant varieties, and the path went forward for a short bit, and then started going back down the hill. It twisted and turned on a flat section of the hill, almost like a rally track (except without the safety barriers), and it was a bit steep. Kipo and I could almost slide down it on our feet, but that’s not particularly smart because our fur would tug on the dirt and rocks, which hurt, and dirt is the hardest thing to get out of your fur (next to juice spills, squashed bugs and chewing gum). We were actually stumbling quite a bit on our way down, especially in the corners, but as we made our way down I could hear the sound of the falls get louder, if it was ever so slowly. I saw Jazza a little way down.
“Jazza!?” I shouted, “You okay!?”
“Yeah, I’m fine!” he yelled back, “Where were you two!?”
“Just settling something!” I said as I took a corner. “Don’t worry, we’ll catch up with you!” I then looked down further below us, where the path then levelled out and took a straight path, making a ‘T’ with the side of the hill, and through the trees down the path I saw a glimpse of Clarene running to the falls, followed by Robijn. Further on I could see the top of the falls. I looked back to Kipo, and she seemed to be doing fine. I took the last corner, and the path went level and we made our way through the trees. After a short while, we emerged at a very large clearing, and I saw the waterfall.

The waterfall wasn’t a dull waterfall that’s only a small trickle of water that looks like someone’s taking a leak at the top. Nor was it one of those anti-climactic short ones you could jump over. It was quite tall, maybe about 50 metres or so, and I quite liked it, so I’ll describe it for you. The top was about fifteen metres across, and in the middle were two large rocks, placed like upside down fangs, and looked similar to them, too, and on the left fang there was a tree hanging on for dear life by it’s roots. After about thirty-five metres, the water hit various protruding rocks that were tough to erode, splitting the main stream into several smaller ones, before splashing at the bottom and making a nice cloud of water with a rainbow in it, which was quite neat. After that the water flowed down as a river and curved to our right.

When Kipo and me came to the clearing, Jazza was already with Clarene and Robijn at the banks of the river. The banks were that of the stony, pebbly kind, but the rocks weren’t sharp, which was good because the only protection we have against foot cuts is our fur. Kipo reluctantly followed me a bit closer to the riverbank, but still about five metres away.
“Wow.” I said as I stood next to Clarene. “It’s really cool isn’t it?”
“I know…” Clarene said
“Hey, do you mind looking after Kipo?” I said, “She seems to have a nervous disposition around water.”
“Didn’t you know that?” Clarene said. “Don’t worry, I’ll look after her.” And Clarene walked over to accompany Kipo."

Another portion of my story I'd like to share with you guys and gals.

"“Hey, do you mind looking after Kipo?” I said, “She seems to have a nervous disposition around water.”
“Didn’t you know that?” Clarene said. “Don’t worry, I’ll look after her.” And Clarene walked over to accompany Kipo.

Chapter [insert chapter number here]
I ran after Martyr and emerged at a clearing where the waterfall was which made a river that curved to my right. I do not like water. I tell everyone that it was because I was forced into a bath when I wanted to figure out my Dayol cube, but that is a lie because it is not why I do not like water. I do not like water because I nearly drowned at a beach 1.7 kilometres from my house. I do not usually lie, but I do not want people to know why I am afraid of water. Because I was afraid of water I stood five metres away from the river. I did not like the roaring noise the water made as it hitthe ground so that is also why I stood seven metres from where the waterfall hit the ground and formed a river. Clarene then walked to me from closer to the river and stood next to me and she said
“So what do you think of the waterfall?”
And I said “I do not like it.”
And Clarene said “Are you looking forward to going back?”
I knew that Clarene did not want to know whether I was literally looking forward to the direction back or not. She meant that she wanted to know whether I wanted to go back or not. I had to be told by Martyr that it did not mean what it sounded like.
“Yes.” I said
And Clarene said “It’s the water, isn’t it?”
And I said “Yes, it is the water.” I do not like abbreviating words such as do not becoming don’t because I think it is lazy and I am not lazy.
Clarene said “Would you like it if Martyr, Jazza or Robijn fell in?”
I said “Yes” because I like it when people fall into water, because I do not like water.
And then Clarene said “I’ll see if I can try and get one of them in soon.” And then I wanted to know when she would push one of them in, but I knew she would not tell me so that made me excited about when she would push one of them in. It is mean but I do not like water, so I like it when someone falls into water."

Brilliant, Tim!!

I read it all..

I must say I do love it, it has a bit of a tolkien flair IMO..

I just wanted to point out one tiny note, its not a flaw at all, maybe something to do with my perspective. Maybe it would be good to slip in more descriptions of the characters reactions, facial expressions etc, when from the perspective of those other than Kipo?

As in when Hither gets mad for example, a description of his fuming face and features, or the sly grin he has when asking Kipo the same question in reverse.

When from Kipo's perspective, as she seems extremely autistic, in terms of not even logically pulling apart expressions (as her focus is elsewhere) I think it works perfect without any descriptions of expressions, reactions, etc.

Apart from this I love it, like I said I'm not pointing out a mistake, just an idea

I think that's a good idea, it's probably the bit that I think is missing. I guess I've sub-consciously felt that there was something missing that the others had.

And by Tolkein flare, you don't mean going on and on with little action, do you?

Kipo is my favourite character right now.

Oh I just meant the actual style of writing..

Tolkien does go on and on, but to me its a beautiful thing, I've read l.o.t.r around 3-4 times.

I like Kipo too

It shouldn't be hard to insert some facial expressions etc..

But yeh I was thinking it would be real cool if Kipo is oblivious to expressions etc, whereas when it changes view to one of the others they notice various expressions etc, this may be hard to do, but could be fun..

ie: “So what do you think of the waterfall?”
And I said “I do not like it.”

Cause this is from Kipos perspective it works perfectly.

But then this:

“But I could fall into the river.” Kipo said

Because this isn't from Kipo's perspective, you could say... describe her voice as quivering while she asked, or sounding terrfied...

Meaning at certain key moments of fear for Kipo, she can't help but let emotion show, in a way that is weird, but present. Meaning she doesn't know she's showing it, but it can come out anyway..

Sorry if I explained myself badly, I'm enjoying this by the way

I'm enjoying myself too!

To show Kipo's nervousness, I'd have to 'replay' the scene in the veiwpoint of a different character. As I plan to switch veiwpoints for about a chapter or so every few chapters, this could be possible, although Martyr is still the main guy telling the story. This section of the story is told by the characters, not the author, unlike the other parts of the story.

A little scene I came up with for Kipo that I'm going to use. The perspective is in that of Clarene's.

""Do you want it?" He asked.
As I've said before, I didn't want Kipo to take it, despite all best intentions. I guess I thought I'd feel empty if Kipo did, and if she changed. Kipo didn't answer.
"Do you want to think about it in the other room?" I offered.
"Yes." Kipo said slowly.
"Okay." I said, and we walked into the small room from the one we were in. We sat down on some chairs that were inside, and I turned mine to face Kipo's. I drew a deep breath and said
"Now, Kipo, do you understand how important this is?"
"Yes."
"Do you know it is important, Kipo?"
"Yes."
"Do you feel it is important?"
Kipo was silent. After a while I said
"You don't feel it is important, do you Kipo?"
"No." she said. Kipo's voice sounded quiet and subdued.
"Well Kipo, this is important. This is possibly the most important decision you will ever make in your entire life. Do you understand that, Kipo?"
She was silent for a moment, and then she said "Yes, now I do."
"Okay. Kipo, I want you to think long and hard about this. If you do want it, you will change, and there is no going back. Life may become easier to manage, but you will not be the same." I drew a breath. "If you do not want it, then you will remain the same, but life will get harder. They will push for you to take it, and things will get stressful."
"Okay." Kipo replied.
I drew another breath and said "Kipo, I want you to know that, for as long as we've been together, I, well, I've had a great time looking after you. It makes me feel good about myself knowing that I am helping someone in their life, and that I'm making theirs more enjoyable." Once again, I drew another breath. I felt sentimental, and sad. "Remember two years ago Kipo, when the Fire Alarm went off just before the Exams, and the air horn really freaked you out, and how I took you to the electromagnetic generator where you calmed down?"
"Yes."
"Well, I felt good about myself when I calmed you down. I really did. I know we do also have times where we do not get along, such as on camp that same year and you hit me while we were in the forest, but I don't care. If you do want to take it, then you can, and I will be okay with it." This wasn't exactly the truth, as I wasn't truly okay with it, but I knew that I would get used to it and accept it if she did, just like I accepted Kipo's differences four years ago when we first met.
"You can make your decision now, Kipo."
"Okay."

***
I started thinking about my decision. I felt nervous, and I do not get nervous very often. And I do not get nervous like this. This was a different kind of nervous, and I wanted it to go away. But I knew why I was nervous, and it was because of all of these things that were happening to me, and how they were stacking up in my mind like me making my magnet tower. And I felt like my mind would fall over, like when I stack my magnet tower too high and it wobbles and falls over and make a big mess on the floor. My mind would probably make a big mess if it fell on the floor.

I got distracted by all these thoughts swirling around in my mind, and I did not like it. I was thankful that it was a cloudy day, because if it were a sunny day I would find it hard to concentrate and I would not be able to come to a decision as to whether I wanted to take it or not. But I figured that if I wanted to feel better, I would have to make a decision, because that was why I was nervous.

I then started thinking about my decision. I thought about what would happen if I did take it. I thought that if I did, I would change, slowly, and with each day becoming different. I would be able to walk outside on a sunny day and not have to shut my eyes slightly when looking at the sun or when I look at colourful things reflecting the light coming from the sun and into my eyes. I thought about how I would be able to go into rooms where there is loud music and not have to cover my ears to try and block it out. I thought about how I would be able to relate to others, and be able to tell what they would be thinking and feeling, and how I would be able to talk with them and not have them looking at me as if I were strange and unnatural. I thought about how I would be able to have people get near me and I would not feel enclosed and claustrophobic, and how if they would touch me how I would not feel very uncomfortable if they touched me on my shoulders, or how I would like them if they touched my feet. I thought about how I would be able to relate to Volodja, and how I would be able to talk to him without wanting to run away out of nervousness, and be able to let him touch me and hug me.

Then I thought that if I didn't take it I would stay the same. I would stay the same, for a very long time, and I would not change. I would still be unable to walk outside on a sunny day without shutting my eyes slightly when looking at the sun or at colourful objects when the reflect the suns light. I thought about how I would be unable to go into rooms with loud music playing, and how I would cover my ears and not like it at all. I thought about how I would still be unable to relate very well to others, and relate to how they were feeling, and tell them how I was feeling and what I am interested in without them looking at me like I was strange and very unnatural. I thought about how I would still not be able to let people get near me, and I would still get claustrophobic if they did, and how if they would touch me, I would still not like it if they touched me on my shoulders, or I would still like them if they touched my feet. I thought about I would still be interested in magnets, and not be interested in anything else, and how I would still daydream in the middle of school, thinking about Aytons and my Dayol Cube and my magnet tower and the magnet exhibit at the museum and the giant magnet that keeps Meglon Tower from falling down in an earthquake.

And then I stopped thinking, because there was no more to think about for my decision. I then started to wait for Clarene to say something. I then started thinking about magnets. I thought about the electromagnetic generator at my old school, where Clarene took me when I got a fright from an air horn a teacher blew during a Fire Alarm just before the exams. I did not like the air horn, but when Clarene took me there after I got a fright and she touched and rubbed my feet to calm me down, the electromagnetic generator made me feel better.

***

I kept on waiting. I was really nervous about Kipo. I knew that the decision would be up to her, but I felt like making it for her. Nothing against her, but I feel like I know what's best for her. She wasn't as nervous as I was, not by a long-shot. I looked at Kipo, and I saw her reading a poster on the wall about magnets.
"Kipo?" I asked. "Have you made your decision?"
"Yes," she replied "I have made my decision."
I breathed a sigh of relief. Just knowing that Kipo had made her decision released enough pressure to make me feel better.
"So, what is it?" I asked.
"What is what?" Kipo asked
I smiled a tiny bit at this ironic moment, and then said "What is your decision, Kipo?""

And that's it! If you want to know what Kipo's decision is, you'll have to PM me asking for the last little snippet. You'll also have to PM me if you want to know what it is Kipo has to take, although you may already have an idea what it is anyway!

Last edited by KBABZ on 26 Nov 2006, 9:25 am, edited 1 time in total.