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KBABZ
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30 Sep 2006, 2:03 pm

Just a bit of an intro first: This story, which I've called Outcast, was been with me for about four years now, since I was about twelve or thirteen. It started off a little drawing in a school book, and I came up with a story to go with it, and now it's evolved into this mother of a story! I've got many, many drawings of the things in my story, and have drawing specific books so that my school books aren't doodled over (so far I've got six drawing books!). Right now, despite being 65,000 words long, the story is very incomplete, but it's still at top-notch quality, as you'll soon find out. I plan to release this sometime as a book (good thing I met Juliette then, eh?), but it probably won't be done until around about 2010-12. I'll be working on it a lot, though! So far it's divided into three prologue sections (a bit like what The Hobbit and The Silmarillion are to Lord of the Rings), and FIVE main sections, where the juice of the story is. Next post will have the first sample, with more to follow.

Oh, and all the texts and sample's from my story are obviously copyrighted to me, so don't even THINK of nicking these ideas.


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


Last edited by KBABZ on 30 Sep 2006, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

KBABZ
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30 Sep 2006, 2:06 pm

'I walked into the school grounds through the gate, and I went around the Gym/P.E. area and into the gardens. The gardens are nice, and they have a line of trees going along one side. The third Rito tree to the right is the one my and my friends own. Well, we don’t own it, but it’s more like our claim. These ‘claims’ are made at the beginning of the school year, when the students at the top grade in our school leave for greener pastures, leaving vacancies for the other students and the new first years. The Rito tree I was walking to has been claimed by me and my friends for two years now, and is much better than our last hang-out (behind a rusty old yellow building that holds the school’s power). It’s a nice spot, because not only is the tree neat looking, but it also has some benches where we can eat, while those who’ve finished can climb up the tree and chat or read a book or something.

The gardens are actually situated on top of a cliff, which the rest of the school flows down and onto the ground below. You can get quite a good view from our little tree, and you can see right over to the Art block on the other side of the school. As I walked up to our tree, I could see Clarene sitting in among the branches, swinging her tail to and fro. I jumped up into the tree and joined her.
“Hey Clarene.” I said
“Hey Mat.” She replied.
Clarene and me have been friends ever since we were as tall as the memorial for the vertically challenged in the middle of town (which only ever gets as high as my knee these days).
Clarene sighed “You up for our Final Exam today?” she asked
“I hope so.” I said, “I had barely any time recently to study.”
Clarene looked at me like I was a bit crazy “Did you study at all?” she asked
“I did as much as I could,” I replied “But most of the time I was too busy packing for camp.”
“Ah.” Clarene replied
“You going?” I asked
“Yeah.” She answered
“Good.” I said. “So that’s one person I know.”
“Isn’t Grodin going?” Clarene asked
“Okay, so one person I know and don’t hate the guts out of.” I replied cheekily. Grodin is the main bully at my school. He always seems to be in the mood for causing displeasure to other. My first experience as one of his victims involved me having my tail tied in a knot around a lamppost. Grodin and me were twelve at the time.
“I haven’t heard about whether or not any of the others are going.” Clarene said
“Neither do I, that’s why I asked you.” I said.
“Have you done any new drawings?” Clarene asked
“Nah, I haven’t had the time.” I replied. I do drawing as a kind of hobby, but due to camp and exams I barely had time for sleep, as I just told you. “They really did a good job in organising these, haven’t they?” I remarked
“Oh yeah, they couldn’t have picked a better time.” Clarene said, sharing the joke. It was at this moment Kipo walked along and sat down. She didn’t say hi or anything, she just sat down and minded her own business. About six months ago, we found out why. It wasn’t because she was trying to be rude; she acts kindly and always means well, and it wasn’t because she was an uptight snot who didn’t care about the world at all; that job belongs to Ishlya, Kipo is light-hearted, and has long hair and wears a simple set of clothes; usually in a light tone of white or some other colour.'

I'm gonna leave this section at that. Next part in the next few posts!


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


Starbuline
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30 Sep 2006, 8:38 pm

That's cool! I can't wait to read more. You're good. I'd also like to see more of your drawings.



One-Winged-Angel
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30 Sep 2006, 8:46 pm

That was good. Maybe someday you'll be as good as Stephen King. The world needs more writers as skilled as him.


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KBABZ
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30 Sep 2006, 9:48 pm

Next part! This is a different part of the story, but it doesn't have any major events happening in it.

'A Dayol cube is a little cube made up of various smaller cubes, and each side of the smaller cubes is magnetically charged. The point of it is to assemble the entire cube, but each cube has six sides of varying magnetism, one for each side, and so it’s actually quite hard to put back together. Kipo is very attached to this; depending on how she’s feeling, the time it takes for her to assemble it from scratch can vary from as long as fifteen minutes (quite a while for a dedicated player like her) to little under a minute! She also freaks out when she doesn’t know where it is; one time at school she realised she lost it in the middle of a science lesson, and she had a complete panic attack. She couldn’t concentrate at all during class, she was shaky and fidgeting, sweating quite a bit, and she was extremely nervous. The sad thing was the teacher wouldn’t let her leave the classroom, and that made her even more nervous. Clarene then left to go to the toilet, but had whispered to me earlier that she was actually going to search for her Dayol Cube. She went back to the art room, which was where our last lesson was, and it found it under the table Kipo was sitting in. She quickly dashed back to our current classroom and handed it back to Kipo under the desk, and Kipo looked the most happy I had seen her in a long time.'


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


Starbuline
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30 Sep 2006, 9:54 pm

hehe I want a Dayol cube. Magnificent!



KBABZ
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30 Sep 2006, 9:57 pm

Just so you know, it's about the size of a Rubik's cube. Kipo is a special character in my story. Can you guess why?


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


Philostrate
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30 Sep 2006, 10:02 pm

this is very good Kbabz! I'm intrigued and would love to read more... Mind if sugest a couple of things?



Starbuline
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30 Sep 2006, 10:10 pm

no, why?



Starbuline
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30 Sep 2006, 10:22 pm

Post more!



KBABZ
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30 Sep 2006, 10:33 pm

Philostrate wrote:
Mind if sugest a couple of things?


No, but if it's bad, make sure it's constructive critism. Oh, and it's KBABZ, not Kbabz. Oh well, at least you didn't spell it krabs, like the guys on GameFAQs used to do...

Oh, and don't worry, Star, I'm getting there! Kinda typing new bits up as we speak here...


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


Starbuline
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30 Sep 2006, 11:31 pm

okay



Philostrate
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30 Sep 2006, 11:44 pm

I apologize. I will not repeat the mistake KBABZ.

As for the sugestions, you don't have to worry, I only mean the best. I'm a writter myself, but I'm not a fictional writter. Also, I'm an obsessive reader. Which reminds me, If you ever have a chance, try to read "The Ringmaster's Daughter" by Jostein Gaarder. You remind me of the main character (Petter) in his young age. :)

I would advise you to try not to use "she said", "I replied", and other narator indicatives so much. It's not wrong, but too many of them take the attention from what is hapening.

"Hey Clarene.” I said
“Hey Mat.” She replied.
Clarene and me have been friends ever since we were as tall as the memorial for the vertically challenged in the middle of town (which only ever gets as high as my knee these days).
Clarene sighed “You up for our Final Exam today?”
“I hope so.” I said, “I had barely any time recently to study.”
Clarene looked at me like I was a bit crazy “Did you study at all?”
“I did as much as I could, but most of the time I was too busy packing for camp.”
“Ah.”
“You going?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.” I said. “So that’s one person I know.”
“Isn’t Grodin going?” Clarene asked
“Okay, so one person I know and don’t hate the guts out of.” I replied cheekily (<- this one is really good!).
Grodin is the main bully at my school. He always seems to be in the mood for causing displeasure to other. My first experience as one of his victims involved me having my tail tied in a knot around a lamppost. Grodin and me were twelve at the time.
“I haven’t heard about whether or not any of the others are going.” Clarene said
“Neither do I, that’s why I asked you.” ("Neither have I" would work better, no?)
“Have you done any new drawings?” Clarene asked
“Nah, I haven’t had the time.”
I do drawing as a kind of hobby, but due to camp and exams I barely had time for sleep, as I just told you. (this confusses me. is Mat talking to Clarence or is he talking to the reader?)
“They really did a good job in organising these, haven’t they?” I remarked
“Oh yeah, they couldn’t have picked a better time.” Clarene said, sharing the joke. (again, very good)

Another sugestion:
Some of my best friends are dictionaries. I'm a proud owner of several. Some of them are quite standart, others more specific, such as a Sinonims dictionary or a thesaurus. They expand my vocabulary and allow me to use more variations and avoid repetitions. I believe it is one of the best friends a writter can have. Perhaps you would find it usseful too?

"She couldn’t concentrate at all during class, she was shaky and fidgeting, sweating quite a bit, and she was extremely nervous. The sad thing was the teacher wouldn’t let her leave the classroom, and that made her even more anxious."

Use my sugestions as you see fit. I'm just sharing my experience, I do not mean to impose and rest assured, you are very talented. The day you publish your work will be a fortunate day for all of us. If you ever need an editor I'd be glad to help. Just don't forget to officialy copyright any of your work before you show it to anyone.

Just one more thing. Since your work is divided in several volumes, perhaps you could start releasing those that are finished? Don't forget, Tolkien himself (along with other many great writters), did this. Not all of his Lord to the Rings where released at the same time. Simarilion in fact (my favorite of his works) was only released post-mortum and some people belive that it was his son that finished the book.

Hope I helped. And I will impatiently wait to read more!

All the best! :)



KBABZ
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01 Oct 2006, 12:18 am

Thanks man! Okay, some clarification: The 'I do drawing as a kind of hobby' part was directed to the reader, as there are none of these " hugging what he's saying. It's actually quite funny, because this isn't even the main part of the story, it's one of the prolouge sections! I'm writing the story in an odd fashion, too. First of all, I'm not starting from the beginning. The first part of my story I wrote was Section II! It also follows a different form of story-teeling; the main character is no longer telling you the story, the book is (So instead of "I did this, I did that" it's "He did this, She did that"). I'll put up the next part of the tree scene soon, just gotta check the Forums for the fiftith time today.


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


KBABZ
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01 Oct 2006, 12:26 am

“Hi Kipo.” Clarene said
“Hi.” Kipo said. We weren’t surprised that she didn’t turn her head towards us as she said hi. But we knew she meant well.
“How was your morning?” Clarene asked
“Nice.” Kipo said
“What did you do?” Clarene asked
“I got up, put my clothes on, brushed my hair, ate my breakfast, packed my bag, and made my way to school.” She said simply.
“Did you do anything else?” Clarene asked
“No, that is all I did.” Kipo said.
“How was brushing your hair?” I asked. We always ask Kipo these sort of simple questions to keep her interest.
“There was a knot around the back end of my hair, and my hairbrush broke when I tried to brush it out.” Kipo said
“Did you get the knot out?” Clarene asked
“Yes, but I had to use my mother’s hairbrush.” Kipo said. She went back to whatever she was doing. Probably coming up with complicated Algebra formulas, which she likes to do (although multiple times the formulas have already been used in a Maths workbook, so she had to come up with another one). At this moment, Rhobin walked to our tree.
“Hi Kipo.” She said.
“Hi.” Kipo replied, and she instantly went back to what she was doing again.
Rohbin climbed up the tree and joined us. “Hey Mat, hey Clarene.” She said
“Hey.” We both replied.
“The strangest thing happened on my way to school today.” Rhobin said
“What was it?” I asked
“Well, I was just exiting my house, and I look up to see an ad for Whim Burger. Nothing odd about that, I know. They seem to be advertising all over the place. But anyway, the ad had some text written in *Jhimanese. And guess what it said?”
I gave Clarene a look that said ‘I have no idea what it is. Do you?’ and she replied with a look on her face that said ‘Nope’
“We have no idea.” I answered.
“It said ‘Die trying to buy our food.’” Rhobin answered. At this Clarene and me burst out laughing, as Whim Burger’s usual slogan was ‘Buy our food or die trying.’ Rhobin takes Jhimanese as a subject at school, and she’s actually quite fluent in the language (when she’s speaking it, we’re never sure if she’s complimenting us or swearing at us, or both at the same time).

*Pronounced Yimanese


_________________
I was sad when I found that she left
But then I found
That I could speak to her,
In a way
And sadness turned to comfort
We all go there


Philostrate
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01 Oct 2006, 12:28 am

KBABZ wrote:
Okay, some clarification: The 'I do drawing as a kind of hobby' part was directed to the reader, as there are none of these " hugging what he's saying. It's actually quite funny, because this isn't even the main part of the story, it's one of the prolouge sections! I'm writing the story in an odd fashion, too. First of all, I'm not starting from the beginning. The first part of my story I wrote was Section II! It also follows a different form of story-teeling; the main character is no longer telling you the story, the book is (So instead of "I did this, I did that" it's "He did this, She did that"). I'll put up the next part of the tree scene soon, just gotta check the Forums for the fiftith time today.


:) I'm glad I helped. Just one more thing. If the "I do draing as a kind of hobby" part is directed to the reader it get's confusing saying: "as I just told you", since Mat wasn't sharing a monologue with the reader. :wink:

All the best!

P.s. writting the story in a non chronological fashion is not a problem. Again, Simarilion was Tolkien last book to be written, but it is where it all starts. You also have Starwars as another example. IV, V and VI where written before I, II and III. :)

It is interesting that you say that you changed the style of storytelling. Petter, the character I just told you about, does the same in that book. :) He's the narrator, the book starts when he's older and he tells his story almost since his birth. So there are frequent changes as to talking in the first person or on the third person. :) One more thing in common.