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Annmaria
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14 Nov 2011, 6:41 pm

My son keeps telling me that he is been bullied, he repeats this over and over. When I ask who is bullying him he replies you are.

I have explained what bullying is over and over he seems to get it, but then tells me he is been bullied at school and when I ask who is bullying him he replies everyone at school.

This is a daily repetitive behaviour, he seems upset at times, then other times he seems like he is joking. I have tried to get him to explain but he never does only keeps repeating the above. He is 13yrs dx AS, OCD, ADHD.

I am not sure if this is what he is feeling because I am sending him to school where he is finding it very stressful. I have worked with the school and some changes have been but I feel because it has taken so long for the school to understand his needs and put the supports in place, that his whole experience of school is negative and stressful.


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momsparky
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14 Nov 2011, 7:58 pm

My guess is that this may be an example of him taking what you told him very literally, and applying it to his own situation in a way that makes sense to him. What exactly did you say about bullying? Maybe we can help you parse it in a way that he will understand.

For instance, as an extreme example, if you told him "a bully is someone who makes you do things you don't want to do," I could easily see where an autistic kid could apply that to pretty much anybody in pretty much any situation.



Annmaria
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14 Nov 2011, 8:42 pm

I have explain that bully is where someone makes you do something you don't want to and I have given him examples like smoking, alcohol, drugs , stealing, misbehaving, lunch money, his property etc. I have also explained that when I tell him to do something its for his benefit again giving him examples. I have again explained at times he might not want to do what has been requested but if its positive and he is been encouraged to do so that is ok. He also understand he has chores to do and even when he doesn't feel like doing them I will insist and this is not bullying.

He has never experience any of the above negative situation as I have always told him how to handle these situation. At times he can be over generous and I explain its ok to share but only if he is not letting himself without. We have had situations where I give him extra money as precaution and he over spend, but after explaining he now manages this well.

We are now having more success with the school but the problem is that I will tell him that something is in place, then a new teacher or other changes happen and they are not following through. To be honest I feel I am fighting a losing battle with the school but its difficult he doesn't want to be home schooled and even with home work when I offer my help which I am well capable of helping him he thinks because I am not a teacher what do I know. Its similar to when he is feeling unwell/or a sport injury I can explain what is wrong with him deal with it, but he will not believe me unless he hears if from a doctor or anyone he feels is qualified. And when he displays the symptoms for days I do take him to the doctor etc and they give him the same explanation as I have he tells me he hates me because I am always right. But this situations happen over and over and of course there is times when I get it wrong and I get told you so.

I spent a small fortunate on physiotherapy he had hurt his knee and the physiotherapist would press on his knee and ask if he felt pain and he would say yes. It was only after an number of weeks I realise the pain he was feeling was from the pressing and not real pain. I explain the difference regarding that situation. I do understand the literally difficulties but regarding the bullying situation I am not sure I feel he is trying to tell me something that I am not picking up.


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momsparky
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14 Nov 2011, 9:12 pm

I think he may not be able to understand the difference between someone who intends to hurt him and someone who is doing something to help him that he may find unpleasant. Part of the problem with kids on the spectrum and bullying is that they have a very hard time with this nuance; it's a shades-of-grey kind of a thing, and they are black-and-white thinkers.

I thought this article was pretty helpful, at the end it gives parents some things to look for: http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-au ... rents.aspx

I know when DS was being bullied, his lunchbox went missing three days in a row and would turn up in hiding places around the school, rather than in the lost-and-found. It's interesting to me that none of his stuff (except gloves, he's hopeless with gloves) seems to go missing these days; I wonder how much of the missing clothing and stuff I would chide him for was actually being hidden by his classmates.



Annmaria
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14 Nov 2011, 9:39 pm

Sorry to hear your son was been bullied and thanks for the link, my son loses his belongings all the time most of the time we get them back because he forgets.

momsparky "I think he may not be able to understand the difference between someone who intends to hurt him and someone who is doing something to help him that he may find unpleasant".

Thanks for the above explanation it makes sense, I will read the link you posted. I have read the post can't say my son hasn't experienced below.

deliberately hurtful
repeated over a period of time and
difficult for victims to defend themselves against.


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DW_a_mom
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14 Nov 2011, 11:08 pm

I almost don't want to write this ... but the best way I had to know what was really going on with my son at school was information passed on from a girl in his class to her mother, who then told me. I don't think my son could accurately describe the games kids play if he tried. It was from this indirect channel that I found out about kids sneaking into his locker, etc. I must say, I love that girl. She really watches out for my son. They aren't "friends," but they've known each other for most of their lives.

Knowing what is really happening makes all these conversations much easier.


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momsparky
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15 Nov 2011, 9:26 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
I almost don't want to write this ... but the best way I had to know what was really going on with my son at school was information passed on from a girl in his class to her mother, who then told me. I don't think my son could accurately describe the games kids play if he tried. It was from this indirect channel that I found out about kids sneaking into his locker, etc. I must say, I love that girl. She really watches out for my son. They aren't "friends," but they've known each other for most of their lives.

Knowing what is really happening makes all these conversations much easier.


Yes - and it's amazing the things that our kids miss. DS has come a long way: we had a discussion about bullying and what to do if it happens again (we agreed he would tell someone he trusts) and when we were discussing the adults he trusted, he very thoughtfully said "I need to tell Mr. _______, because sometimes I'm not sure if it's bullying or not." (knowing that this teacher would help him figure it out.)

Your idea of an outside observer is a terrific one, DW.



blondeambition
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17 Nov 2011, 11:29 am

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF828E1528596FEBC

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL948F2A5850FA706F

Above are a couple of playlists from my free Autistic Kids YouTube channel (www.youtube.com/user/vids4autkids1) on the topic of "bullying." The top one is for younger kids, and the bottom one is for older kids.

Joy Berry also has a picture book dealing with bullying. (See her website below.) I love the cartoons, but I usually cover her text up with something simpler that I've written.

http://joyberrybooks.com/

Like others have said, my older son with classic autism cannot give an accurate account of what happens at school--doesn't remember much unless his memory is jogged and misinterprets others' actions.


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Annmaria
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17 Nov 2011, 7:43 pm

His sister attends the same school she has never picked up on bully. She looks after her younger brother.


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blondeambition
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19 Nov 2011, 6:00 am

http://www.brainpopjr.com/health/relati ... /bullying/

Above is a free animated movie on bullying. There is a closed captioning button that can be selected. My older son with classic autism really loves the brainpopjr.com website and watches the movies with closed captioning on..

brainpopjr.com is one of the hundreds of links that I have on my free website, www.freevideosforautistickids.com. This link is on the "homeschool links" page.


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www.freevideosforautistickids.com is my website with hundreds of links and thousands of educational videos for kids, parents and educators. Son with high-functioning classic autism, aged 7, and son with OCD/Aspergers, aged 4. I love my boys!