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deconstruction
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22 Nov 2011, 10:01 am

Ok, this might not be strictly a love and dating problem, but touches those issues, so I'm posting it here (plus, it's the most active part of the forum).

I have a problem of being clingy. Well, to a degree. I can get either very clingy only to start "ignoring" people when I invest myself in my special interests (writing, for example; when I write a novel or something, I spend a lot of time alone).

But deep down, I am very clingy, and people can sense that and run away. I've always had a problem with people; they seem to react badly to me, so they either ignore me or ridicule me or make me their doormat.

I used to believe it was because of my physical appearance. I'm short, brunette and I wear glasses. I don't wear make up and I'm a tomboy. I look younger that I am and I'm quite shy when interacting with people. I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm a tomboy/plain and, sadly, people tend to respect more women who seem more attractive.

But then I realized it's my attitude that's the problem. I lack confidence and you can tell. I don't know how to say no and this makes me vulnerable to all sorts of manipulations. I learned over the years how to protect myself from the more obvious manipulations, but since I crave human company I still get attached to people quickly and that makes them run away. In short, I become clingy or needy and I honestly don't know how; I'm always trying my best to be ok and not to bore people with my special interests and what not.

I have one good friend but I guess I want to be social more; is that the problem?

Now, my clinginess was a huge problem in romantic relationships. I always managed to make myself a doormat and guys couldn't wait to abuse this. I am so lucky I found my husband who loves me and respects me just the way I am and who'd never take advantage of me.

So it's not really a "will I ever found someone" post, but I think I need some ideas how to make myself less clingy in social situations. Also, with my husband, it doesn't bother him much, but sometimes I can't sense when he wants to be alone and I don't want to bother him.

The only solution I found here is not to care about people that much, especially not about what they think, but how could you form a friendship or any sort of closeness to someone if you don't care about them?

So is there a way around this?



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22 Nov 2011, 11:50 am

being clingly is basically an anxitey I have this problem too.
you shouldn't worry about it too much since you do have a husband that takes care of you so it shouldn't really bother you like me for example.



TeaEarlGreyHot
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22 Nov 2011, 12:05 pm

I have the exact opposite problem, generally. I care about my friends, but I'm usually not in a place to socialize with them. It's hard getting them to understand I do like them when I have to tell them to go away. :?

Over the past 6 months or so, I've been working to correct this. Not because I think something is wrong with being alone (I actually quite enjoy it... maybe a little too much) but because I can't seem to keep friends that truly care.

Romantically, it's a bit of a problem as well. I'm distant, and have been considered a 'cold fish' by pretty much all of my exes.


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deconstruction
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22 Nov 2011, 12:18 pm

I think I'm a weird combination of being too clingy and an ice queen. When I get too invested in my interests, I tend to forget about socializing. But for some reason it was never a problem; the clingy part is.

I never seem to know where to draw a line.

And I'm asking this because I will probably need to change my life significantly. I am applying for scholarships and I will probably have to live in a different country (and to be away from my husband at least for a while) and I am so scared of it. Scared to be away from him and also scared to meet new people and live in a different culture (but it's still early to discuss this problem). I'm just thinking about the way people react to me. Like I said, I used to believe it was because of how I look, but now I think it's more because of how I act.



TeaEarlGreyHot
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22 Nov 2011, 12:23 pm

That's tough. The only time I get clingy is when I have something to say but have no idea how to say it.

I considered moving to another country just a few months ago, and it is a scary thought. It helps to see it more as an adventure. It's just too bad I was unable to.


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MathGirl
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22 Nov 2011, 12:59 pm

I think a lack of trust breeds clinginess. You have to learn to fully trust the other person, and if you have a history of being constantly rejected/manipulated, it can be hard. In my case, I've found that it took time with patient people who weren't put off by my clinginess earlier on. As I've learned that there were people in my life whom I can trust completely, I found it easier to develop relationships without being clingy.


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22 Nov 2011, 1:50 pm

That sounds like a very good analysis, MathGirl. It is everything to do with lack of trust. I am clingy too.



angel_amy
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22 Nov 2011, 2:28 pm

I am an insanely clingy person and I also hate it too. To one point it put me in a bad situation and I had to even run when my ex was trying to kill me. I think now I'm being a bit better, but still a bit clingy in a way. It just really hard to not be clingy for me as I crave the attention. Luckily I have some good people in my life and I can give some to everyone without been to focused on one. Although one tends to get a tiny a bit more (yes I know you'll be reading this :wink:) but they will all have to adapt.

As for moving country I really enjoy the experiance. I lived in Germany for a while and really loved it as it had snow. The language barrier was one problem and I wish I had learnt some German before going. The Netherlands was a complete different experiance were about 95% of the people spoke better English than me so it wasn't much trouble. However I do enjoy traveling and exploring and seeing new placesm so like TeaEarlGreyHot said see it as an adventure and you'll be fine.



tronist
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23 Nov 2011, 4:42 am

deconstruction wrote:
I think I'm a weird combination of being too clingy and an ice queen. When I get too invested in my interests, I tend to forget about socializing. But for some reason it was never a problem; the clingy part is.

I never seem to know where to draw a line.

And I'm asking this because I will probably need to change my life significantly. I am applying for scholarships and I will probably have to live in a different country (and to be away from my husband at least for a while) and I am so scared of it. Scared to be away from him and also scared to meet new people and live in a different culture (but it's still early to discuss this problem). I'm just thinking about the way people react to me. Like I said, I used to believe it was because of how I look, but now I think it's more because of how I act.

if your hobby isnt 'bad' for you, why dont you try to do your hobby more often when you feel you are being too clingy.

also, i've heard writing out how you feel about someone really helps with this area. if you write it down (and dont tell them, or maybe write 'love letters' every 3 months or so) it will help, i think :D



deconstruction
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23 Nov 2011, 1:09 pm

tronist wrote:
if your hobby isnt 'bad' for you, why dont you try to do your hobby more often when you feel you are being too clingy.

also, i've heard writing out how you feel about someone really helps with this area. if you write it down (and dont tell them, or maybe write 'love letters' every 3 months or so) it will help, i think :D


The thing is, I get invested in my special interest that much I completely forget about socializing. That's the thing: I'm either too clingy or ignore people around me. It's crazy; it's like a "normal" (optimal) amount of socializing and alone time, only it's not equally divided. It's either "I just want to be alone" (and ignore everything), or becoming too clingy when it comes to socializing.

I have no idea why I'm like this.