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claudia
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27 Nov 2011, 5:23 am

A question for NT parents: how do you react if someone teases you for your efforts to help your son/daughter and your concerns?
Someone experienced this?



DW_a_mom
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27 Nov 2011, 11:40 am

claudia wrote:
A question for NT parents: how do you react if someone teases you for your efforts to help your son/daughter and your concerns?
Someone experienced this?


I think I had it a few times when my son was a difficult preschooler, and I think I usually gave them a dirty look and then ignored them. If that wasn't possible, I might say something simple. If you give me some sentences I can say what my first reaction response would be.

I do remember one lady in a store, when my son was being an absolute angel (he can play that role, if he isn't on sensory overload and I stay within time limits) after complementing me on his behavior, started talking about how bad most kids who came in were, and the problem was, "of course," that people are too afraid to spank. Obviously, her assumption, since my child was being so respectful, was that I must spank. I simply said, "I don't spank." To which she had no idea what to say. The shock on her face was hilarious.

My family wasn't sarcastic or teasing, but they used to give me "the look." They didn't believe much in the way I was handling my kids. I ignored it mostly, and sometimes explained that while I knew I was doing some things "differently" than was conventional, I believed they worked, LONG run. And now that my kids are 14 and 11 they think I've done an amazing job. Time is the proof.


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27 Nov 2011, 12:32 pm

I think it's great that you told that woman that you don't spank and that you told her what your beliefs are on that issue. I really think that other parents should mind their own business. I find it unfortunate that even in the 21st Century that there are still some parents who think that might makes right.


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claudia
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27 Nov 2011, 4:14 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
If you give me some sentences I can say what my first reaction response would be.



"You do too much speech therapy with him and you are going to stress him"
"He doesn't seem to have huge problems as you think, he will grow out of it"
"He has psycological and not sensory issues"

These are the main concepts.



SC_2010
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27 Nov 2011, 4:49 pm

Is punching people out of the question? :lol:

If they are not going to be supportive, then limit your contact. You have only so much energy, why waste some defending yourself to others?



postcards57
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27 Nov 2011, 6:56 pm

Everything depends on the relationship I have with the person saying it.
If it is someone I don't know and don't care about it, I will glare at them, ignore them, or, very occasionally, say something like, "I didn't ask for your opinion." But mostly I say nothing. Not worth it. OTOH, if my child is within hearing distance, I say (sometimes loudly) to my child that, "He doesn't know what he's talking about it. I'm so happy with how well you're doing."
If it is someone I care about, at least somewhat, I generally respond quickly with "Things are actually going very well, thank you," or something even more positive. If it someone I am really close to, I say, "I'm hurt that you would think I haven't considered every option and made the best choices I could." But that's only if I am trying to preserve and strengthen the relationship, or if it is a family member I need to maintain a decent relationship with.
I also talk to someone who "gets" me and supports me about how hurtful the person was, and tell myself I am doing the right thing.
J.



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27 Nov 2011, 7:15 pm

claudia wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
If you give me some sentences I can say what my first reaction response would be.



"You do too much speech therapy with him and you are going to stress him"


"Stress is always possible when a child is AS, I know that, but I also know my unique child. If it was stressing him, I'd cut back, but it isn't."

Quote:
"He doesn't seem to have huge problems as you think, he will grow out of it"


"With the research so firmly on the side of intervention, I prefer not to take my chances. If we didn't do the services and it turned out he needed them, the lost time could never be made up."


Quote:
"He has psycological and not sensory issues"


"I know this child much, much better than you do and I disagree. I've done my academic research, and I've studied my child."


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claudia
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29 Nov 2011, 12:01 pm

:)



spectrummom
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29 Nov 2011, 2:29 pm

I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's hard enough having a child with special needs without having people close to you (I assume) doubt your ability to parent said child.

We've had these problems with my husband's parents and I've gotten to the point where I just won't talk with them about it. They have concocted some bizarre stories to fit in to their belief that there is nothing "wrong" with my son, even to the point of admitting there is something wrong, but it's definitely NOT ASD (LOL).

If it comes up while I'm around, I graciously excuse myself. Recently it came up when I wasn't able to graciously excuse myself, so I answered a few questions then reiterated my offer for them to speak directly with his physician. No, they didn't want to do that, just give me grief. In general, though, if anyone gives me a hard time about any medical thing I refer them to the doctor because a) it's an easy way to answer almost any question and b) people who take you up on it will get the answer straight from the horse's mouth and are more likely to respect that answer.

Good luck,



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29 Nov 2011, 2:45 pm

I just ran into this yesterday with one of my son's teachers. It's been a while since I've experienced this. We were talking about his reading issues. He has a language disability and he has trouble comprehending figurative language in fiction and was not able to do his book report. I was explaining to her what I think the issue is and what would help him. Then she started this dissertation about how you need to take away the TV, read good books not the crap printed today, he needs to read all the time, then she says...this is my favorite (sarcasm) "all kids are like that".....blah blah..then she started on what I feed him (he's extremely picky) and how I should starve him to force him to eat better because kids will learn that way...blah blah...

I patiently listened to her opinions, explained what I feel about the subjects, and when she started on the food thing and told me he won't starve and I need to force food on him I simply told her "I'm not doing that", she continued, and I said "I'm not doing that". She backed off, told me that she is opinionated and she hopes I wasn't offended, and I told her very matter of fact, that I respect peoples opinions and I don't have a problem with that, all I ask is that you have the same respect for me when I disagree.

I used to "explain" my child, I don't anymore. People don't get it, actually MOST people don't get it. I can't fault them for that, but I can say to them that they don't know the whole story and I don't agree, and I'm doing what I feel is right but thank you for your opinion, and say that with confidence.

More importantly, don't let it bother you. They don't get it. They just don't get it.



claudia
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30 Nov 2011, 5:53 am

spectrummom wrote:
I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's hard enough having a child with special needs without having people close to you (I assume) doubt your ability to parent said child.

We've had these problems with my husband's parents and I've gotten to the point where I just won't talk with them about it. They have concocted some bizarre stories to fit in to their belief that there is nothing "wrong" with my son, even to the point of admitting there is something wrong, but it's definitely NOT ASD (LOL).

If it comes up while I'm around, I graciously excuse myself. Recently it came up when I wasn't able to graciously excuse myself, so I answered a few questions then reiterated my offer for them to speak directly with his physician. No, they didn't want to do that, just give me grief. In general, though, if anyone gives me a hard time about any medical thing I refer them to the doctor because a) it's an easy way to answer almost any question and b) people who take you up on it will get the answer straight from the horse's mouth and are more likely to respect that answer.

Good luck,

This is my situation. Christmas is not a good time for me for this reason. You know, I never asked help for my son, I gave birth to him and he's under my resposibility. I will raise him without their help and I don't want to hear their absurd stories that seems to be made to prevent my help requests. I'm afraid that my aplomb will fail this time...



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30 Nov 2011, 7:39 am

This may be very difficult but what if you had a conversation to head off any failing aplomb. What if you said or emailed something before your Christmas gatherings. Something about the meaning of Christmas to you and that you hope you could avoid discussing your son at this time. Then mention all the previous posters ideas - you are working w/ professionals, you have researched and the best studies show XYZ, you know your son best, you are under enough stress, it would be abusive to treat your son other than the way you do...

In the general WP forum, Greenturtle74 has a wonderful cartoon that you could send to them. Just thinking....

If they don't respect your wishes (not to discuss your son) then you and they both know they are in the wrong, they are being rude and very disrespectful. Then you have every reason to avoid them.



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30 Nov 2011, 7:45 am

SC_2010 wrote:
Is punching people out of the question? :lol:

If they are not going to be supportive, then limit your contact. You have only so much energy, why waste some defending yourself to others?


Excellent.



zette
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30 Nov 2011, 4:16 pm

aann wrote:
This may be very difficult but what if you had a conversation to head off any failing aplomb. What if you said or emailed something before your Christmas gatherings. Something about the meaning of Christmas to you and that you hope you could avoid discussing your son at this time.


If it is your in-laws, it would be better for your husband to have a conversation with his family members, telling them that he agrees with the way you are handling your son, and that they are not to give you advice.

If it's your family, you can decide whether a phone call or an email is better.

aann wrote:
Then mention all the previous posters ideas - you are working w/ professionals, you have researched and the best studies show XYZ, you know your son best, you are under enough stress, it would be abusive to treat your son other than the way you do...


I would recommend that you stop at "we wish to avoid discussing DS's problems during the holiday" and not go into any details about the professionals, research, studies, etc. It only gives them more topics to bring up and argue about.

You need some quick sentence prepared to shut down anyone who tries to start in.
"It's Christmas, and I don't want to discuss this now."
"I'm his mother. I'll do what I think is best."
"I'm his mother, and it's my job to make these decisions."
Then literally walk away and refuse to continue the conversation.