Destroy, build, destroy. And then cry.

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Rolzup
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28 Nov 2011, 2:52 pm

Eldest is 7, Youngest is going to be 4 in January. Both are on the "high-functioning" end of the spectrum - Youngest is still dealing with a communication delay, and seems to have a problem understanding abstract concepts.

So. Eldest loves to build things, the more elaborate the better. And since he's got fine motor issues, we're happy to see him puttering about with his Lego constructions, making various devices. And indeed, we're getting him more Lego, and some K'nex sets, for Christmas.

Youngest, on the other hand, loves to destroy everything that his brother builds. Ripping them apart, throwing the pieces about. Or, alternatively, to wrest his creations away and play with them himself. He does not take "No" for an answer, and cannot be reasoned with.

Yes, he's rather like a terminator in this respect.

Oh, and he makes this horrible ear-splitting nerve-killing "honk" sound when he's angry, so that everyone can be darned sure that he's mad as hell and isn't going to take it any more. Oh, god, how I hate that sound.....

Eldest can't even escape. If he goes to their room, Youngest will pound on the door, howl and weep, and generally demand to be let in so that he can play Perry the Platypus to his brother's Dr. Doofenschmirtz. And if Eldest wants to build things with me, too bad -- there's no way Youngest is going to allow himself to be left out.

Youngest isn't doing this maliciously. I'm fairly certain that in his mind, he's just playing and that we're all being the unreasonable ones. But Eldest quickly gets frustrated, and angry, and weepy, and very loudly gives up so that youngest "...can do whatever he WANTS! I don't CARE any more!"

Frankly, he's got every right to be angry. For once, he's 100% correct when he says that something isn't fair.

Any suggestions? I've tried explaining to Youngest that what he's doing is wrong, and that's he's really upsetting his brother, but it's like water off a duck's back. He smiles and giggles, and runs off to do it again.

And then comes right over to complain if his brother takes something away from him, or accidentally hits him while flying a ship around.



Bombaloo
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28 Nov 2011, 5:45 pm

Have you done any social stories or comic book conversations with Youngest? It sounds like you really need to find a way for him to understand the grief he is causing his brother. I have found that lately when I talk with my youngest (5 yo ASD) about something he has done that has upset his big brother (8 yo NT), he is starting to get it and will recognize that he would be upset too if the same thing happened to him. You might try drawing out a comic book scenario where big brother does something to little brother that little brother REALLY doesn't like. Explore that feeling with him then see if you can equate it to a situation where it goes the other way. We found that the thought bubbles in the comic book drawing showing what other people are thinking or how they are feeling was really effective with our little guy.



Pandora_Box
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28 Nov 2011, 6:39 pm

I recently had the opposite problem. I have a younger brothers at 14 J-bird and the middle child is at 19 P-boy. I'm the eldest brother. J-bird from very young has enjoyed building lego sets, he grew up with legos and lego models. He loves his creations and can never take them down because each one is special. P-boy has always decided to be the home wrecker sometimes. All though in our case P-boy did it "just because". My solution for a long while was to have P-boy rebuild what his brother built. -.-....not the best but I have always taken role as brother and parent. But it was my "you broke it now you have to pay for it" solution. I'm not exactly the best for advice...cause this is starting to sound ridiculous. ha.



DazednConfused
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29 Nov 2011, 1:23 am

OK, so this is probably really obvious and you will have tried it already, but just in case you haven't I'll say it anyway! And I say it because my soon to be 4 year old enjoys similar things to your boy, by the sound of it. As far as I can work out, he just loves to scatter, jumble, rumble stuff around. He is rarely happier than when stuff is flying through the air, preferably making a noise as it does so. I think there is a sensory basis to this, in my son's case.

So...what we do when he starts destroying stuff he isn't allowed to (or, for instance, sweeping all the heavy wooden blocks off the shelves at our playgroup) is redirect him to something similar that he is allowed to do. In your case it could be as simple as a pile of lego bricks that are his, in a separate place to his brother's (and possibly already built into a creation that he can destroy if you think that is important to him). We have to very firmly redirect my son, but it is much easier to say 'yes, you can do that, but only with these blocks over here' than it is to outright say no.

Just my two cents...



Rolzup
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30 Nov 2011, 10:21 am

DazednConfused wrote:
OK, so this is probably really obvious and you will have tried it already, but just in case you haven't I'll say it anyway! And I say it because my soon to be 4 year old enjoys similar things to your boy, by the sound of it. As far as I can work out, he just loves to scatter, jumble, rumble stuff around. He is rarely happier than when stuff is flying through the air, preferably making a noise as it does so. I think there is a sensory basis to this, in my son's case.

So...what we do when he starts destroying stuff he isn't allowed to (or, for instance, sweeping all the heavy wooden blocks off the shelves at our playgroup) is redirect him to something similar that he is allowed to do. In your case it could be as simple as a pile of lego bricks that are his, in a separate place to his brother's (and possibly already built into a creation that he can destroy if you think that is important to him). We have to very firmly redirect my son, but it is much easier to say 'yes, you can do that, but only with these blocks over here' than it is to outright say no.

Just my two cents...


We have tried; the problem is that we seem to need another brother, as well. If Eldest isn't playing with something, then obviously it's not worth Youngest's time. Eldest has been around a bit, he knows what's cool.

(I've been trying to get Eldest to see this as a compliment. It hasn't worked.)

I will sometimes make Lego creations just for Youngest, but this backfires -- Eldest thinks that my stuff is really neat, and wants it for himself. He' right about the neat part, mind, but still.

The two have a weird relationship. Youngest is getting very bossy with his brother of late -- "Eat you sandwich! Time for school! Get you shoes on!" -- and Eldest is alternatively amused and annoyed by this.

The other day, Eldest was pretending to sleep. Youngest comes over to wake him up, and does so by pounding on big brother's head. This was somehow deemed hilarious by Eldest, and somehow five minutes later the two of them are simultaneously hitting each other on the top of the head, while laughing so hard they could barely stand up.

Such is life with two little boys, I suppose.



ASDMommyASDKid
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01 Dec 2011, 12:57 am

I only have one child so take this with a grain of salt:

If it is at all practical, maybe you can try to have someone else that your youngest especially loves to be with, have "special time" with him while you have special time with the oldest (or let him build stuff in peace!)

At four to five (or so) my son was in a kind of bossy stage and would tell us what to do according to what his idea of rules were. Spectrum kids are so rigid and they like for everybody to follow the rules or what they perceive as such. Sometimes it was harmless and too funny and cute so we would humor it. Other times when he was being unreasonable, I would tell him that Mommy and Daddy make the rules because we are older and know things he does not, as yet, and that it is because we love him and want to take good care of him.

Sometimes he would pitch a fit, sometimes not. He likes when we tell him we love him and want to take good care of him because it makes him feel special and loved, so he is more apt to be compliant when we word it that way.

Kids test the people around them, and once he gets enough consistent, repeatable data for his science experiment, he'll probably do it less. At least that is what we think happened here. :)



ASS-P
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06 Apr 2015, 2:16 pm

...Any improvement all these years later ? I hopeso! :-)