Teenagers on the spectrum hating authority

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willaful
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06 Jan 2015, 1:40 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
Rax hit the nail on the head I think, or at least from my experience.

I disliked cops, most teachers, anyone who was in a position to tell me what to do and make me do it. I mainly resented them because some of the time the things they would want me to do made no sense. I also hated the fact that everybody said I had to respect them, when they haven't ever earned respect from me.

I could have dealt with being told to be polite, but being told I had to respect them seemed like an intrusion on my personal feelings. Even back in grade school I was like that. One teacher that I had, Mrs W was just horrible. I couldn't stand her. I never gave her trouble except for the fat that I would stand up at my desk without realizing it. She "talked to me" about it one day and apparantly I gave her the wrong answer and she got upset and said "You WILL respect me!" I said something along the lines of "Well, when you earn it, sure". That did not go over well.


I had this same issue as a teen. What really got to me was being told, "Don't you talk back to me." The unfairness of being told that they were allowed to talk to me however they wanted and I wasn't allowed to talk back was insupportable. I guess I grew out of it, and I actually kind of miss the feisty me that didn't take crap from anyone.

My husband developed a code to use with our son -- "roll with it" -- that means, "I know this seems stupid to you right now, but it's a rule you really have to follow and we can talk about why later." Of course, that's only helpful when my husband or I is there.


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y-pod
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07 Jan 2015, 8:46 am

I never respected authority, but have pretended well enough to not get into much trouble. I know my son's the same way but he's smart enough to stay out of trouble, too. When I talk to him I say "we" need to avoid troubles. Wouldn't you rather have good times instead of sitting in jail? Wouldn't you rather spend your own money on fun instead of paying fines? It's easy to get him to listen to me because I never demand any respect or obedience because I'm his mom. I let him know I'm his friend. I give him reasonable requests. He never has to do things if I can't give him a reason for it. Of course if your son is a feeler that wouldn't work. I'm not a feeler so I don't understand too well what works for them. You'll have to figure that out. It's important for you to be on his side and empathize. (This works for pretty much everyone in the world, if you're on their side they're much more likely to listen to you. Arguments only works for the very rare few people.)


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Adamantium
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07 Jan 2015, 5:00 pm

I never grew out of it.

The only respect I have for authority is pragmatic--i.e., don't talk back to the cop who is misbehaving, just weather it and then let an attorney do the talking back at an institutional level. But I have deep contempt for people in authority who do not understand that respect is always earned and the benefit of the doubt can be quickly withdrawn in the face of misbehavior or abuse of power.

I agree with a lot of the thinking behind the American Revolution and find much of the Declaration of Independence and Constitution sympathetic. I always remind myself when facing civil authority in the US that these ideas are more "aspirational" than real in daily life.

"roll with it," sounds right--and when you are on your own, when in doubt, the right way to go.



kraftiekortie
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07 Jan 2015, 7:23 pm

I never was a lover of authority--but I've never really liked anarchy, either.

If somebody is being a "dick" to me, I feel like I want to "dick" them back. I hold off, though--under the auspices of the "roll with it" philosophy. You have to be smart; otherwise, people will find a way to trample you in some way. The best way to defy the "powers that be" is to learn the nature of the "powers that be."

John Paul II, before he was the Pope, used to defy the Nazis--not by open defiance (he superficially, seemingly kowtowed to them)--but by doing things under their noses. Sometimes, this involved helping Jews escape Poland. I think he (or perhaps his father, or both of them) might have hid some Jews from the Nazis as well.