You have NT friends but they never invite you to places

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LAEMapsie
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17 Jan 2012, 4:33 pm

namaste wrote:
LAEMapsie wrote:
Doesnt happen to me now, though when I was in school and university I sometimes felt that they didnt want me around at times.

how could the situation have changed now........i have never noticed any change in my situation even when i was a kid it was same and still now its same.


Well I should have said, that I have had different groups of friends during then, so the mostly NT friends I have now, are more tolerant then my previous friends.



Kalika
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21 Jan 2012, 3:35 pm

A couple of questions which came to mind as I was reading this thread again:

- Is there a good way to express interest in being included in something without making it sound like you're trying to invite yourself?

- For those of us who cannot drive, how do you bring up transportation issues without coming off as trying to mooch a ride or feeling like you "have" to kiss up to someone who can drive? (both of which I've been made to feel like in the past, so I'm trying to work out how to deal with it better)



DC1977
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21 Jan 2012, 5:47 pm

I was badly hurt when one of my friends who I would hang out with once or twice a week, once told me that he would never allow me to meet any of his other friends as I was 'too weird' That was the end of that friendship, and even if I run into him on the street, can't get the thought of 'what a p***k' out of my head.



namaste
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22 Jan 2012, 2:30 am

DC1977 wrote:
I was badly hurt when one of my friends who I would hang out with once or twice a week, once told me that he would never allow me to meet any of his other friends as I was 'too weird' That was the end of that friendship, and even if I run into him on the street, can't get the thought of 'what a p***k' out of my head.

why didnt you accept what he said rather then getting angry.
i would have probed him deeper and probably would have accepted rather then cutting off from him
its so difficult for us to make friends and then cutting off someone just because they were frank enough
would be bad
Most of the people just avoid me they dont even feel the need to explain why.........it feels so hollow
and empty out there as if i dont exsist


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Polly_Pocket
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22 Jan 2012, 5:25 am

:) Thanks everyone for sharing, even knowing that other people are experiencing the same difficulties as I am has really helped me this morning! I had given up trying to connect with others years ago, however back in September I started taking classes in a 'community' college (or the U.K equivilent) which has been pretty stressful -socially that is. I have found that even though I have really tried to make an effort to make friends I still manage to be left out. I can chat to a few people if I approach them, and the response is usually a neutral one - However I know that if I wasn't there I wouldn't be missed...
I go back tomorrow after having the weekend off and I feel sick with the worry all these interactions bring. Sometimes I wonder if its worth all the anguish! :?



DC1977
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22 Jan 2012, 5:09 pm

namaste wrote:
why didnt you accept what he said rather then getting angry.
i would have probed him deeper and probably would have accepted rather then cutting off from him
its so difficult for us to make friends and then cutting off someone just because they were frank enough
would be bad
Most of the people just avoid me they dont even feel the need to explain why.........it feels so hollow
and empty out there as if i dont exsist


I'm not sure I can answer that very accurately as it was over 10 years ago when I didn't have anyunderstanding of my AS. I was angry then, though I have mellowed as I have gotten older. I was very defensive about it and it was the knee jerk reaction. I think that my reaction to the same situation if it happened today would be more measured and open to discussion.

I'm sure that not everyone avoids you, it depends on the person. For years I felt that if someone was acting strange or out of sorts, it was me that caused it, but I came to realise that most of the time it has nothing to do with me, people are just funny that way. I will outright ask them if there's something wrong, as i tend to rely on verbal comunication more than anything else and most of the people I know, know this so little offense is taken.



Fnord
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22 Jan 2012, 5:14 pm

Lady-ivy wrote:
Has this ever happen to you? In my case am friends with NT my age at school. But when they go out places they never seemed to invite me to places. Am doing nothing wrong in term with socializing with people. I am pretty quiet in school surroundings that my problem but there are always a quiet people in a social group. Seems some of my friends who are on spectrum have the same problem too. Is there something we're not doing right because we are not doing anything wrong in terms of social with people and their group discussion? People are nice and they want to socialize with me but they are not inviting me. Has this happen to you guys too?

Replace the word "school" with "church" or "work", and you've described my current situation. In fact, right now, I'm sitting in a Sunday-school classroom with the pastor's laptop, typing this post. If the other members of this church had invited me to join one of their little social cliques, I would not be posting this.



namaste
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23 Jan 2012, 4:33 am

DC1977 wrote:
namaste wrote:
Quote:

I'm not sure I can answer that very accurately as it was over 10 years ago when I didn't have anyunderstanding of my AS. I was angry then, though I have mellowed as I have gotten older. I was very defensive about it and it was the knee jerk reaction. I think that my reaction to the same situation if it happened today would be more measured and open to discussion.

I'm sure that not everyone avoids you, it depends on the person. For years I felt that if someone was acting strange or out of sorts, it was me that caused it, but I came to realise that most of the time it has nothing to do with me, people are just funny that way. I will outright ask them if there's something wrong, as i tend to rely on verbal comunication more than anything else and most of the people I know, know this so little offense is taken.

I remember once my brother called me a psychopath in front of my newly wed husband. I was just cooking in the kitchen and my brother walked in and as usual he started belittling me he called me psychopath and my hubby was standing just right next to me.
I did not like what he said so i told him upfront that not to come to my house and insult me like that.............
Even in one of the offices where i worked my boss had called me psycho he said that i used to just nod my head whenever asked for something.
I feel that whenever people bluntly say something about us it gives us a clearer picture of our identity rather then they cutting off and not talking with us and ignoring us.


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namaste
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23 Jan 2012, 4:39 am

Fnord wrote:
Lady-ivy wrote:
Has this ever happen to you? In my case am friends with NT my age at school. But when they go out places they never seemed to invite me to places. Am doing nothing wrong in term with socializing with people. I am pretty quiet in school surroundings that my problem but there are always a quiet people in a social group. Seems some of my friends who are on spectrum have the same problem too. Is there something we're not doing right because we are not doing anything wrong in terms of social with people and their group discussion? People are nice and they want to socialize with me but they are not inviting me. Has this happen to you guys too?

Replace the word "school" with "church" or "work", and you've described my current situation. In fact, right now, I'm sitting in a Sunday-school classroom with the pastor's laptop, typing this post. If the other members of this church had invited me to join one of their little social cliques, I would not be posting this.


Sad :roll: :( :?
But now I am kind of used to it.
My hubby's cousin had kept a birthday part for their son in a hotel and then a get together at home
i did not go........i have noticed from their body language how they avoid me,they leave the seat next to me blank,
they walk around as if i dont exsist.
So just not to make the joyous occassion uncomfortable i did not attend the function and boy oh boy
they enjoyed a lot they did not even ask why i was missing
they have posted wonderful snaps on facebook.............

well im happy that i did not go to spoil their fun :o


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DC1977
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23 Jan 2012, 5:38 pm

I agree that being spoken to bluntly is in some ways better than being shut out and shunned, it would be better if a proper discussion could be reached. I absolutely haate when someone that has a problem doesn't speak about it, it doesn't have to be immediately, or even with me, but it's an outlet that works very well to defuse tense and intense feelings.

I do know that when someone does speak out bluntly about my behaviour or such, that I have to take some time to process what context they are using and if they are being serious or not, so therefore I stall the conversation while I try to think of an appropiate response, then the moment is missed and an opportunity lost.

I have experienced the feelinsg that you expressed in the last response, when it seems that when I am not there, people have more fun, which is sometimes true, but then that affects everyone, there have been other times when I've been out and had a great night. I suppose that it depends on who you are out with, as this has also had an impact on how good an event is.