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Brianruns10
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15 Jan 2012, 2:16 pm

I'm giving OKCupid another shot (or fourth shot, as it were).. Already wrote ten people. Let's see if any respond, or if they go into the growing pile of hundred of hundreds of failures.

Feel free to check it out to critique.

My Okcupid name is: Brianrun

Do a search for it.

This time I'm gonna be upfront about my AS status on the page. I think it is the reason I never get past the first date...people see I'm weird and damaged goods and they can do better. Now, i'll make it easy for them. If they don't want to bother because of that, they can go to hell. And if I get no replies, I'll know it is because I have AS, and I can quit dating for good then. Because I'll never not have AS, so I'm pretty much stuck.



hartzofspace
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15 Jan 2012, 2:22 pm

I think you are limiting yourself unnecessarily by assuming that if you don't find someone on an internet dating site that you will not find someone at all. There are many ways of meeting people, but people like us spectrumites have to give ourselves a lot of leeway regarding these things. Don't give up! And, remember to be kind to yourself and do things for yourself while you are searching for a Significant other! 8)


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mv
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15 Jan 2012, 2:28 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
I'm giving OKCupid another shot (or fourth shot, as it were).. Already wrote ten people. Let's see if any respond, or if they go into the growing pile of hundred of hundreds of failures.

Feel free to check it out to critique.

My Okcupid name is: Brianrun

Do a search for it.

This time I'm gonna be upfront about my AS status on the page. I think it is the reason I never get past the first date...people see I'm weird and damaged goods and they can do better. Now, i'll make it easy for them. If they don't want to bother because of that, they can go to hell. And if I get no replies, I'll know it is because I have AS, and I can quit dating for good then. Because I'll never not have AS, so I'm pretty much stuck.


Brianruns10, I'm so psyched that you're doing this! I was worried about you (from a lurky status, of course). I wish you well!

I'll check out your profile in a little bit (I've been a "member" for a while, answered a bunch of questions, but never put up a real profile or pictures :oops: ).



MXH
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15 Jan 2012, 2:35 pm

coincidently I've come to accept its just a depressing waste of time for me. Im done with it.
I do hope it goes well for you though.



minervx
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15 Jan 2012, 3:55 pm

Some advice.

Don't make the fact that you have AS one of the main points on your profile. Perhaps a sentence about it is fine, but no more. You should sell yourself to the person before you try and sell your Aspergers.



MXH
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15 Jan 2012, 4:03 pm

minervx wrote:
Some advice.

Don't make the fact that you have AS one of the main points on your profile. Perhaps a sentence about it is fine, but no more. You should sell yourself to the person before you try and sell your Aspergers.

Likely best to not mention it at all. Its something id only mention after months of datin someone so they can see the real me and not judge on what they think of a disorder.



Vigilans
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15 Jan 2012, 4:16 pm

I agree with MXH don't mention it, it is not likely to win you any positive attention

I tried OkCupid after my breakup a few months ago. I gave it about a week then deleted my account as I found it uninteresting. I did get in touch with a few attractive and interested women but I think trying to date that soon after the breakup made it hard for me to reciprocate their interest. Perhaps someday I'll try again. In truth I prefer to meet women in person in an environment such as work or school, getting to know them, then asking them out (actually... I have always been the one asked out... or there was no "asking" involved and things just pieced themselves together). Dating sites make it very clear what your intentions and their intentions are, which is good for some, but I prefer to operate without that sort of pressure. In my opinion you and they are unlikely to present yourselves completely accurately because of the context of how you are communicating (dating site..)


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DanRaccoon
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15 Jan 2012, 5:02 pm

I think it'd be good idea to mention that you have Aspergers. If someone is going to be bothered by it then it's a good sign. It'd filter out those who would be bothered by it.



Logan5
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15 Jan 2012, 6:27 pm

For those of you on OkCupid, buried in their vast archive of questions is one that asks, "Would you consider dating someone who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome?", and another that asks, "Would you consider dating someone with autism?". There are also similar questions for broader categories like "mental illness", "disabled" and "learning disability", as well as specific conditions that often co-occur with autism, such as ADD/ADHD, depression, OCD, and social phobia. Finally, there are questions that sound a lot like AS-type behaviours or traits.

Unfortunately, answering those questions and giving them high importance ratings is unlikely to alter your match % scores because so few people have answered them. Nevertheless, if you do not want to explicitly mention AS in your profile, those questions may serve as a way of hinting at it and related issues.

Edit. I should have mentioned that in order to get to those questions you will have to wade through hundreds of other questions, many of which I thought were irrelevant (so I skipped over them). In fact, I think I found a lot of the questions I consider to be important or relevant, by clicking on "The Two of Us" tab of profiles that had high match scores and interesting descriptions. (You can also try searching for profiles by keywords, such as Asperger's, social anxiety, etc.) I found this to be a very time consuming and draining process, and I am not sure if it was worth it. :?



Last edited by Logan5 on 15 Jan 2012, 10:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Rob-N4RPS
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15 Jan 2012, 7:14 pm

Hello!

I've given up on OKCupid, too. Lots of looks, but that's as far as it went. However, it DID lead me to someone who led me here, where I have met some wonderful people.

If you're looking for a gal with AS (which would be your best bet, IMO, as they are who would be best for another Aspie), then yes, mention AS right off the bat. Otherwise, save it for later.

Have A Great Day!

Rob


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bumble
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15 Jan 2012, 7:37 pm

I just joined okcupid. Last attempt to find love before I give up completely.



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15 Jan 2012, 10:34 pm

OkCupid and Plentyoffish are both great dating sites. Both free, of course, unlike those stupid rip-off pay ones. The site itself deserves praise (though I dislike how they incentivize giving people insincere replies to messages with the "replies often/selectively/very selectively" thing. I don't want someone to waste my time and energy replying to my messages if they're not interested, and likewise, I don't feel like giving everyone fake replies), but I've had limited success on it (one date from someone I met on it). But part of my problem is I'm really picky and gay (so there are fewer people). Dating sites can definitely work out in the end because it's not about the thousands of people who aren't right for you on it, but the one that is, and it's just a matter of looking for that person.



minervx
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16 Jan 2012, 2:45 am

MXH wrote:
minervx wrote:
Some advice.

Don't make the fact that you have AS one of the main points on your profile. Perhaps a sentence about it is fine, but no more. You should sell yourself to the person before you try and sell your Aspergers.

Likely best to not mention it at all. Its something id only mention after months of datin someone so they can see the real me and not judge on what they think of a disorder.


Exactly. Even better that its not mentioned at all.

1. Telling someone (who isn't an aspie, 98% of the population) will do no good. They will be indifferent, or even worse misunderstand.

2. I have a policy of don't ask, don't tell. Usually, I can do well socially with people so they don't know I have AS. So no need for it.

3. If you are doing so badly socially that you feel you need to tell the other person you have AS, then it's too late and telling them does no good.

Best to wait until the other person develops a connection with you and cares about you.



SoftlyStepping
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16 Jan 2012, 4:08 am

okcupid wrote:
I'm a filmmaker dedicated to my craft and making a great, beautiful work of art before I shuttle off this mortal coil. It is a difficult task, and at times a lonely one. I seek someone similarly motivated in their career, who aspires for more than simply to accrue material wealth and live a comfortable, unchallenged life.
This sounds negative. Your profile is basically a "want ad" for the woman to read.
okcupid wrote:
Research, writing, photography (still and motion), claymation, study of history (primarily Jackson era, Civil War, and 20th century), and I'm a decent runner (16:18 5K, 33:20 10K)
This sounds a little like OCD. Take the numbers off, give a poetic feel to the flow of things.
okcupid wrote:
I'm honestly not sure. I'm pretty quiet, tending to listen more than speak, and I'm not a social butterfly. But first impressions can deceive and there is much more to me than one meeting would suggest...though this isn't terribly helpful when it comes to dating.
This gives the impression that you get a few first dates, but rarely a second date. Even if this is true you don't want to give a woman this impression of you.
okcupid wrote:
The most private thing I’m willing to admit:
I have Asperger's, a very mild form of autism. Ignore all the BS you hear about this in movies and TV. The only given is that each person is different from the other. I just have my quirks, like anyone, my oddities but also my virtues, couched in a deep desire to do good and love and be loved, just like any other person, regular or on the Autism spectrum. I feel this should be upfront, because if you're unwilling to give me a chance because of this, than I do not wish to waste my time with you either.
Most women know what autism is and will be afraid. As you know, there is indeed a lot of BS floating about. Best to avoid this discussion. After a few weeks of interacting, maybe on the third date, she might bring up her observations of any irregularities in your behavior.
okcupid wrote:
You should message me if you want to make my day. I take it as the deepest of compliments when someone takes the time to reach out to me.
This is somewhat overstated. She wants a casual interaction that might build to something deeper at a later time. So say something to this effect.

Overall it is a solid profile. Message a few hundred women in the next few weeks, and you'll probably find someone of quality.



minervx
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16 Jan 2012, 4:18 am

SoftlyStepping wrote:
Message a few hundred women in the next few weeks, and you'll probably find someone of quality.


Not really. The number of people you message should be more than a few, but much less than a few hundred.

A message to a woman should be unique, responsive to her profile, grammatically correct, and longer than 2 sentences. Otherwise, most women won't respond. Because women see generic messages that can be copied and pasted to 100 women all of the time. They are cliche and end up deleted. And no one has time to personalize their message to hundreds of people. Besides, best to message only people who you feel are a potential match to save time.



Brianruns10
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16 Jan 2012, 11:26 am

I made the suggested modifications, as much as I am loathe to remove the info about my AS status. I feel every moment of every day I'm lying, that no one can ever know me, and it fills me with a terrible loneliness.

I've already written a dozen or so people. They've all viewed my account and read my messages, but none wrote back. They figure they can do better I'm sure.