Truth about Asperger marriage failure rates?



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JCJC777
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16 Jan 2012, 10:51 am

I've seen various internet references to marriages in which one partner is Asperger having high failure rates. These seem to derive from this source: "Preliminary research performed in Holland suggests that the divorce rate for couples in which one partner has AS may be as high as 80%.” from "a Relate leaflet", in p42 of 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships', by Ashley Stanford.

However I suspect this may have been a pretty thin study. Has anyone seen any harder information?

Then we'd have a better idea about the challenge we face....

Thanks



glasstoria
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16 Jan 2012, 11:21 am

It would be interesting to know what the rates are for Aspies with a diagnosis prior to marriage, vs. Aspies who got married and tried to do that without even having a proper diagnosis for themselves which seems like it would be much harder to succeed in over the long term.

I am sure my ex husband expected he could, with his infinite brilliance, fix me right up, but that was the furthest thing from happening. I had no idea what I even needed from a relationship prior to my diagnosis, so how could I have made that work? ha! Also I had no idea that I was a poor judge of character and generally attracted manipulative psychos, so yeah. That didn't work out.


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nick007
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16 Jan 2012, 11:27 am

I've read on a few places that only 1% of Aspies are married. Most of what I've read on different sites about Aspies in relationships is NOT encouraging


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mom77
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16 Jan 2012, 12:31 pm

It would also be interesting to see statistics of aspie-aspie marriages



slovaksiren
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16 Jan 2012, 1:21 pm

Really? That is odd... my mother told me that most Aspies do end up married. I'm almost wondering if she lied to me so that I wouldn't be discouraged or something...



Dunnyveg
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16 Jan 2012, 2:10 pm

JCJC777 wrote:
I've seen various internet references to marriages in which one partner is Asperger having high failure rates. These seem to derive from this source: "Preliminary research performed in Holland suggests that the divorce rate for couples in which one partner has AS may be as high as 80%.” from "a Relate leaflet", in p42 of 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships', by Ashley Stanford.

However I suspect this may have been a pretty thin study. Has anyone seen any harder information?

Then we'd have a better idea about the challenge we face....

Thanks


JC, good for you on wanting to face the truth, whatever that may be in your case. I do think the success of aspies in marriage is dependent upon two factors: The severity of the AS and its comorbid conditions; and, of course, the compatibility of the couple.

Since I'm very aspie, I've decided to accept the fact that I could never be married, though I've been in a relationship for eleven years now. I'm aware of my limitations as well as my strengths. One of my limitations is that I couldn't live with anybody else. I simply need too much downtime.

As long as we don't spend too much time together, we get along great.



abacacus
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16 Jan 2012, 2:15 pm

Only 80%? I'd have figured it would be higher. I know that I'm a very difficult guy to be with, and I'm fairly high functioning.



SoftlyStepping
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16 Jan 2012, 2:29 pm

Ashley Stanford was out of line in publishing preliminary research. She also did not cite a source. She is a technical writer, not a statistician, scientist, or sociologist. The 80% figure is a myth until proven otherwise.

The 50% divorce rate in the United States is also a myth. It is disturbingly prevalent.



nick007
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16 Jan 2012, 2:38 pm

slovaksiren wrote:
Really? That is odd... my mother told me that most Aspies do end up married. I'm almost wondering if she lied to me so that I wouldn't be discouraged or something...

Maybe she was referring to Aspie women. I think they may have an easier time getting dates due to the social rules.

abacacus wrote:
Only 80%? I'd have figured it would be higher. I know that I'm a very difficult guy to be with, and I'm fairly high functioning.

I think the rate may be a bit lower because the Aspies with major problems are less likely to be married in the 1st place. There are some women who marry guys with AS who won't get divorced despite having major problems because the women may have various psychological issues & won't leave a bad relationship. Also it may not be too difficult for some Aspie women to make a marriage work with NT guys due to social roles & guys tending to be more logical, less emotional & less affectionate & things than women in general


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Lepidoptera
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16 Jan 2012, 3:52 pm

I've seen this issue of aspies and relationships come up in other forums. When the respondents are honest, the vast majority say they are either not married, never have been, not in a relationship, have never had a relationship, or ever expect to have one. It's a touchy subject though. There's a vocal minority in successful relationships that would have you believe the statistics and the experience of professionals who deal with aspies is incorrect. I think if you're in any kind of relationship and are making it work then you should consider yourself lucky. The prospect of growing old with no support because you have no family is not a good one.



Last edited by Lepidoptera on 16 Jan 2012, 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JCJC777
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16 Jan 2012, 3:59 pm

@lepodoptera One would have thought Aspie-Aspie relationships might work?; even if there was lower or zero genuine emotional bonding, the life benefits of companionship, shared tasks, etc would make it worthwhile?

thanks all for comments so far



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16 Jan 2012, 4:06 pm

As someone with a psychology degree I would recommend not basing your worries/prospects on study results and instead just trying your best at relationships. No one can know whether they are in the 80% or the 20% so the results are meaningless, after all you have managed to have a condition that only 1% of people have so something happening to the majority makes no difference really. You dont want to do the 'self fulfilling prophecy' thing.

mom77 wrote:
It would also be interesting to see statistics of aspie-aspie marriages

the statistics are 30% end in murder lol



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16 Jan 2012, 5:38 pm

The majority of marriages end in divorce. This isn't about aspergers.

What I have noticed is that there are alot of mothers who end up having to do most of the child rearing alone. Even if the mother works and the father works, the father gets more lenience for doing their own thing and leaving the kids with the mother than the other way around. This leaves the mother feeling like she's already a single parent.

There are cases of mothers who could use some help with a child that has autism but the father is not caring and doing what he wants to do leaving her to feel like a single parent. Over time that gets old and the couple split.

There are more and more selfish parents due to our over sexed society with subconscious teachings that it's okay to cheat and not to resist temptation. All men cheat and it's the woman's fault! Then anything that goes wrong is blamed on the woman for not being a good enough blow up doll. It's society as a whole.

When you hone in on asperger couples or one has aspergers and the other does not, you are singling out a minority of people which increases the rate. Where as when you focus on the millions of people who don't have aspergers, the percentages seem smaller but on a whole is actually more.

It's because we're still in this selfish me me me narcissistic way of thinking. Not saying everyone on this board but people that follow these trends just to be normal are always subject to change. People are more prone to splitting up when things go wrong even if it's something that can be worked out thanks to brains being trained to accept the convenient approach, the easy way out, thinking of things and people as disposable and replaceable like that light bulb that burnt out. "Oh you can always buy another plastic short term inexpensive item at Walmart!"

There are more and more short term thinkers that are molded in this train of thought just by living everyday life. They aren't realizing how these applications cross connect to other activities because the majority of people don't want to think about that.

People like Dr. Laura need to quit laying all blame on wives for men cheating and she should know better but that's a narcissist for you. Everything is someone else's fault. It's not the woman's fault. The man is the one who cheated. The man also will come home and says he loves his wife while leading on the mistress into believing the same but when caught usually doesn't want the wife to leave. It's a game. The fact that society tries to drill it into everyone's heads through media and books to blame the wife is also giving leverage for men to cheat and encouraging that if he's busted blame the wife.

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17 Jan 2012, 12:02 am

slovaksiren wrote:
Really? That is odd... my mother told me that most Aspies do end up married. I'm almost wondering if she lied to me so that I wouldn't be discouraged or something...


My mom old me the same thing, but I never believed her. I saw a statistic once stating that 80% of Aspies never get married or be in a long term relationship. I have never seen stats about Aspie marriages.

I found the stat here.
http://www.inthelight.co.nz/spirit/asrelationships.htm



mom77
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17 Jan 2012, 1:12 am

The-Raven wrote:
mom77 wrote:
It would also be interesting to see statistics of aspie-aspie marriages

the statistics are 30% end in murder lol


lol!



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