Truth about Asperger marriage failure rates?

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hyperlexian
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19 Jan 2012, 9:38 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Would you rather live in a drafty, run-down house with no heating, or be homeless? As bad as the former is, its still way better than the alternative of the dark cold lifelessness that being alone is.

homeless, absolutely. the run-down house is colder than you can imagine, and possibly full of vermin and squatters.


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munch15a
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19 Jan 2012, 10:52 am

Also one can be a success in one element of there life and not others it is widely believed (by people in my family that is ) that James May of top gear is on the spectrum he is quite wealthy owns is own place is very smart has friends but is single is he alone and a failure ?

For me he brings hope that one dose not necessarily need successes in there love life to achieve happiness



monkees4va
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20 Jan 2012, 8:35 am

munch15a wrote:
Also one can be a success in one element of there life and not others it is widely believed (by people in my family that is ) that James May of top gear is on the spectrum he is quite wealthy owns is own place is very smart has friends but is single is he alone and a failure ?

For me he brings hope that one dose not necessarily need successes in there love life to achieve happiness


He also built a house out of lego-that would make most women run screaming for the hills XD


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hyperlexian
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20 Jan 2012, 9:20 am

monkees4va wrote:
munch15a wrote:
Also one can be a success in one element of there life and not others it is widely believed (by people in my family that is ) that James May of top gear is on the spectrum he is quite wealthy owns is own place is very smart has friends but is single is he alone and a failure ?

For me he brings hope that one dose not necessarily need successes in there love life to achieve happiness


He also built a house out of lego-that would make most women run screaming for the hills XD

oh noooooo that would be the awesomest kind of awesome!! ! special interests and obsessions are sexy! ok, maybe it's just me. :oops:


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mv
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20 Jan 2012, 9:23 am

hyperlexian wrote:
monkees4va wrote:
munch15a wrote:
Also one can be a success in one element of there life and not others it is widely believed (by people in my family that is ) that James May of top gear is on the spectrum he is quite wealthy owns is own place is very smart has friends but is single is he alone and a failure ?

For me he brings hope that one dose not necessarily need successes in there love life to achieve happiness


He also built a house out of lego-that would make most women run screaming for the hills XD

oh noooooo that would be the awesomest kind of awesome!! ! special interests and obsessions are sexy! ok, maybe it's just me. :oops:


Nope, I got a little "interested" at the mention of a Lego house... :wink:



CrazyStarlightRedux
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20 Jan 2012, 2:36 pm

JCJC777 wrote:
I've seen various internet references to marriages in which one partner is Asperger having high failure rates. These seem to derive from this source: "Preliminary research performed in Holland suggests that the divorce rate for couples in which one partner has AS may be as high as 80%.” from "a Relate leaflet", in p42 of 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships', by Ashley Stanford.

However I suspect this may have been a pretty thin study. Has anyone seen any harder information?

Then we'd have a better idea about the challenge we face....

Thanks


As soon as I read "Holland" it was in-creditable due to Holland being a Province within the Nederlands (or Netherlands to us non-natives). It could mean the province itself but I doubt it as the way they worded it is supposed to be a national survey and not a regional one.

I don't believe in statistics, especially when there is a chance that it COULD work.



carriescrazy84
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21 Jan 2012, 10:57 pm

I'm an NT female married to an AS male and a relationship can succeed, it take time to figure out how to deal with each other though. I think it depends on the severity of the AS and how willing someone is to maintain the relationship. My husband knows that there are some things that I need from him and he is learning to do them without me asking him. Relationships are difficult but it takes extra work for AS/NT to be successful.



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16 Jul 2012, 11:21 am

carriescrazy84 wrote:
I'm an NT female married to an AS male and a relationship can succeed, it take time to figure out how to deal with each other though. I think it depends on the severity of the AS and how willing someone is to maintain the relationship. My husband knows that there are some things that I need from him and he is learning to do them without me asking him. Relationships are difficult but it takes extra work for AS/NT to be successful.


Carriescrazy84

how do you have fun? - if he is a typical Aspie with either no sense of humour or a very quirky sense of humour, and you are a normal NT lady who likes to laugh, chat etc?

Thanks for any thoughts - I could really do with some help on this



BlueMax
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16 Jul 2012, 12:44 pm

Reading the posts on here, I'd say about half the Aspies DO have a very good sense of humour! The other half are probably too depressed to muscle up much of a smile...



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16 Jul 2012, 2:07 pm

I don't believe in AS, I believe I found out its truth.



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16 Jul 2012, 2:21 pm

Well, I don't have any statistical information to back this up but I feel like aspies would have a lesser chance of getting married, but a higher chance of maintaining said marriage once the vows are made. In other words, while the marriage rate would be woefully low, the divorce rate would be as well (and by divorce rate I mean the ratio of divorcees to married invididuals and not the population as a whole.

The way I see it is, Aspies are difficult partners. I will be the first to admit this. It takes a very understanding and caring soul to be in any kind of long-term relationship with an Aspie, let alone marry one. So I would assume that there are few Aspie marriages because there are few other people who could handle a relationship with an Aspie, and most of these relationships fail before they get to the point of matrimony.

However, for the few Aspie/Aspie or Aspie/NT relationships that DO make it to the altar, these in my honest opinion have a better shot at being successful lifetime partnerships, because they've had all this time prior to their marriage to get to know their partner and how to deal with him/her, and are understanding enough to overlook the others shortcomings. The kind of understanding and compassion required to deal with an Aspie on a daily basis is the same kind of understanding required to make a marriage work.

So we get shafted because there aren't many people who can handle relationships with us, because they can't put up with our quirks and social issues. However, on the off chance we find someone that CAN put up with us, and does so willingly, the stage is set for a fulfilling lifetime partnership.

I have noticed that in the case of AS/NT partnerships, it helps if the NT knows or has known Aspies as friends or family members. My girlfriend Trish has a few Aspie relatives, and her best friend Tora-chan as well as a lot of her other friends are as well. In fact, when I broke the masquerade to her in January, about a month and a half after we started dating, she told me she had already guessed as much, and that it didn't bother her in the slightest. She told me I had to work on my temper, but that other than that it was my social ineptitude that was actually my most endearing quality, as well as my penchant for being honest to a fault. She's forgiven me the few times I've had lapses in tact, saying she'd rather have a "honest, tactless idiot" as a boyfriend rather than a "smooth talking playboy liar". She's been very instrumental in helping me deal with some of the issues I still have as an Aspie - in fact, I've told her on multiple occasions that "she's a better shrink than my shrink." She has a very motherly personality, and she genuinely cares about me. TBH she cares about all of her friends, just like I care about mine. The only real difference between the way she treats me and the way she treats everyone else she cares about is that if she and I go somewhere, it's a date, whereas if it's her and Tora-chan it's just hanging with the crew. She's also a very touchy-feely person and will hug just about anyone, but I'm the only one she will do anything more intimate than hugging with.


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Roxas_XIII
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16 Jul 2012, 2:27 pm

JCJC777 wrote:
carriescrazy84 wrote:
I'm an NT female married to an AS male and a relationship can succeed, it take time to figure out how to deal with each other though. I think it depends on the severity of the AS and how willing someone is to maintain the relationship. My husband knows that there are some things that I need from him and he is learning to do them without me asking him. Relationships are difficult but it takes extra work for AS/NT to be successful.


Carriescrazy84

how do you have fun? - if he is a typical Aspie with either no sense of humour or a very quirky sense of humour, and you are a normal NT lady who likes to laugh, chat etc?

Thanks for any thoughts - I could really do with some help on this


Ok, people say we have no sense of humor but that's a downright lie. Aspies actually have very good humorous qualities, but generally speaking, and especially in the case of highly intelligent AS individuals, our jokes tend to be way above the understanding level of your average person. Also, Aspies are often very literal people. Even for the few Aspies who can tell the difference between a statement made in jest and a literal one, that same kind of literal thinking ususally permeates their humor. Take me for example. My intelligence combined with my habit of thinking in literal terms has caused my humor to consist of a lot of sarcasm and deadpan snarking. However, this works for me, since this is the style of humor most appreciated by the majority of my friends including Kyuu-chan (my girlfriend)


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16 Jul 2012, 2:44 pm

Roxas_XIII wrote:
Well, I don't have any statistical information to back this up but I feel like aspies would have a lesser chance of getting married, but a higher chance of maintaining said marriage once the vows are made. In other words, while the marriage rate would be woefully low, the divorce rate would be as well (and by divorce rate I mean the ratio of divorcees to married invididuals and not the population as a whole.

The way I see it is, Aspies are difficult partners. I will be the first to admit this. It takes a very understanding and caring soul to be in any kind of long-term relationship with an Aspie, let alone marry one. So I would assume that there are few Aspie marriages because there are few other people who could handle a relationship with an Aspie, and most of these relationships fail before they get to the point of matrimony.


However, for the few Aspie/Aspie or Aspie/NT relationships that DO make it to the altar, these in my honest opinion have a better shot at being successful lifetime partnerships, because they've had all this time prior to their marriage to get to know their partner and how to deal with him/her, and are understanding enough to overlook the others shortcomings. The kind of understanding and compassion required to deal with an Aspie on a daily basis is the same kind of understanding required to make a marriage work.

So we get shafted because there aren't many people who can handle relationships with us, because they can't put up with our quirks and social issues. However, on the off chance we find someone that CAN put up with us, and does so willingly, the stage is set for a fulfilling lifetime partnership.

I have noticed that in the case of AS/NT partnerships, it helps if the NT knows or has known Aspies as friends or family members. My girlfriend Trish has a few Aspie relatives, and her best friend Tora-chan as well as a lot of her other friends are as well. In fact, when I broke the masquerade to her in January, about a month and a half after we started dating, she told me she had already guessed as much, and that it didn't bother her in the slightest. She told me I had to work on my temper, but that other than that it was my social ineptitude that was actually my most endearing quality, as well as my penchant for being honest to a fault. She's forgiven me the few times I've had lapses in tact, saying she'd rather have a "honest, tactless idiot" as a boyfriend rather than a "smooth talking playboy liar". She's been very instrumental in helping me deal with some of the issues I still have as an Aspie - in fact, I've told her on multiple occasions that "she's a better shrink than my shrink." She has a very motherly personality, and she genuinely cares about me. TBH she cares about all of her friends, just like I care about mine. The only real difference between the way she treats me and the way she treats everyone else she cares about is that if she and I go somewhere, it's a date, whereas if it's her and Tora-chan it's just hanging with the crew. She's also a very touchy-feely person and will hug just about anyone, but I'm the only one she will do anything more intimate than hugging with.

Aspies do tend to have a harder time getting in relationships but I don't think the divorce rate is any less because~ Some rush into long term relationships. Some Aspies try to overcome/change, deny or hide some of their AS quirks & manage too for a while but it's harder 1ce things get more serious. Some could have problems after they get married because their routines get moe disrupted than they they were living by themselves. Some NTs think they can change the Aspie some & or that they Aspie can overcome certain things & the NTs eventually get frustrated.


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aspiemike
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16 Jul 2012, 4:19 pm

Honesty, Loyalty, Good Listener, good sense of humour, driven (when we put our minds to it).
These are some of the good qualities that people look for in their partners. Aspies for the most part have these qualities. However, AS is not everyone's cup of tea. From reading everyone's opinion, we are an acquired taste as well.



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16 Jul 2012, 5:27 pm

nick007 wrote:
Roxas_XIII wrote:
Well, I don't have any statistical information to back this up but I feel like aspies would have a lesser chance of getting married, but a higher chance of maintaining said marriage once the vows are made. In other words, while the marriage rate would be woefully low, the divorce rate would be as well (and by divorce rate I mean the ratio of divorcees to married invididuals and not the population as a whole.

The way I see it is, Aspies are difficult partners. I will be the first to admit this. It takes a very understanding and caring soul to be in any kind of long-term relationship with an Aspie, let alone marry one. So I would assume that there are few Aspie marriages because there are few other people who could handle a relationship with an Aspie, and most of these relationships fail before they get to the point of matrimony.


However, for the few Aspie/Aspie or Aspie/NT relationships that DO make it to the altar, these in my honest opinion have a better shot at being successful lifetime partnerships, because they've had all this time prior to their marriage to get to know their partner and how to deal with him/her, and are understanding enough to overlook the others shortcomings. The kind of understanding and compassion required to deal with an Aspie on a daily basis is the same kind of understanding required to make a marriage work.

So we get shafted because there aren't many people who can handle relationships with us, because they can't put up with our quirks and social issues. However, on the off chance we find someone that CAN put up with us, and does so willingly, the stage is set for a fulfilling lifetime partnership.

I have noticed that in the case of AS/NT partnerships, it helps if the NT knows or has known Aspies as friends or family members. My girlfriend Trish has a few Aspie relatives, and her best friend Tora-chan as well as a lot of her other friends are as well. In fact, when I broke the masquerade to her in January, about a month and a half after we started dating, she told me she had already guessed as much, and that it didn't bother her in the slightest. She told me I had to work on my temper, but that other than that it was my social ineptitude that was actually my most endearing quality, as well as my penchant for being honest to a fault. She's forgiven me the few times I've had lapses in tact, saying she'd rather have a "honest, tactless idiot" as a boyfriend rather than a "smooth talking playboy liar". She's been very instrumental in helping me deal with some of the issues I still have as an Aspie - in fact, I've told her on multiple occasions that "she's a better shrink than my shrink." She has a very motherly personality, and she genuinely cares about me. TBH she cares about all of her friends, just like I care about mine. The only real difference between the way she treats me and the way she treats everyone else she cares about is that if she and I go somewhere, it's a date, whereas if it's her and Tora-chan it's just hanging with the crew. She's also a very touchy-feely person and will hug just about anyone, but I'm the only one she will do anything more intimate than hugging with.

Aspies do tend to have a harder time getting in relationships but I don't think the divorce rate is any less because~ Some rush into long term relationships. Some Aspies try to overcome/change, deny or hide some of their AS quirks & manage too for a while but it's harder 1ce things get more serious. Some could have problems after they get married because their routines get moe disrupted than they they were living by themselves. Some NTs think they can change the Aspie some & or that they Aspie can overcome certain things & the NTs eventually get frustrated.


I kind of find it rude when people bold text from my quoted post in an attempt to refute my argument, so I'd like for you to refer to my bolded text AGAIN, seeing as you have to have already read it once in order to have realized it's relevance. Apparently you didn't understand it in full. This was NOT a statistically proven theory, merely an opinion based on my own personal experiences and those of my friends.

I assumed that the married couple in the scenario above have had plenty of time PRIOR to getting married to firmly decide in their hearts that the person they were marrying was their life partner, and have had enough time to know their partner to the point where there would be no major surprises regarding their personality after the fact. I ALSO assumed that the Aspie would have had at least enough social skills to function more or less independently and be comfortable in most social settings. I apparently forgot that I seem to be the only Aspie out there that is both A) high-functioning enough to appear normal to the average person, and B) actually gives a damn about his social life. Excuse me.


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18 Mar 2014, 6:52 am

JCJC777 wrote:
I've seen various internet references to marriages in which one partner is Asperger having high failure rates. These seem to derive from this source: "Preliminary research performed in Holland suggests that the divorce rate for couples in which one partner has AS may be as high as 80%.” from "a Relate leaflet", in p42 of 'Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships', by Ashley Stanford.

However I suspect this may have been a pretty thin study. Has anyone seen any harder information?

Then we'd have a better idea about the challenge we face....

Thanks



I personaly know two aspies who are married and have been so for years. They are both women married to NT guys, one is catholic, one is jewish, and they are both religious/traditional. I think both of those things help. As for guys, well... we've got the odds stacked against us... some 80% of aspies are male, so our dreams of finding that awesome aspie-wife is unattainable. Also NT guys make more money, have larger social circles, and have more fun than we do, let's face it... it's an uphill battle. The religious thing can make relationships work tho. If you're into it and your partner is as well, it can create a strong relationship.