Dating a guy with asperger's

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I could use some advice, my boyfriend has asperger's. He was diagnosed when he was 17 or 18 hes 21 now and im 23. We've been together for over a year and I find it hard to be with him at times due to what he has. I'm not autistic or anything so I have kind of just been guessing and he doesn't seem to like talking about it so I know little about it. Can some one answer some questions for me on what is typical in a serious relationship?

yes, but you'll need to be more specific about what you want to know.

okay well for example he doesn't seem motivated to do things like he doesn't clean his room, I have to tell him to do things before he will do it. It also doesn't help that his family life isn't so great so that could be a factor. he said that he wanted a job so he applied at a few places but didn't get hired. So I asked if he could offer his help to people where he lives for some money till he can find work and he makes excuses as to why it won't work. He live in the country so people have farm animals and land to maintain like he could do yard work, feed animals ect. He has been paid in the past for similar work so why not offer his services so they don't have to look for him to do things make sense? Is he just lazy or is it due to Asperger's. And he is like this for everything I feel like I need to hold his hand or "force" him to do things like a little kid. I even have to tell him to shave sometimes but he says he was too busy or forgot. When he's home he's mostly doing nothing though. I also feel like he makes a lot of excuses and I feel bad questioning him like that because I can't tell if this is just how he is or is it the Asperger's? It also feel weird to tell him what to do and not to do when were together... .like "alone time" as we call it. Is that just him being an awkward guy with no real life girlfriend experience or again is it the Asperger's??? Sorry it's so long but it is hard to find good answers to questions like this. I can google the heck out of Asperger's and Autism but all I get is definitions and diagnoses.

I expect its a mixture of aspergers with laziness and lack of experience, put up with it if you dont mind, dump him if you do.

I agree ^.
My mother nags at me for the state of my room at her house, and me not shaving is a contentious issue.
I don't "forget and need to be reminded" of those things- I quite simply DON'T CARE about those things.

Some people have executive dysfunctions that prevent them from being as productive as others,
but the bottom line is that people can usually be found to be doing the things that are important to them.
I could be taking a shower right now. I know I need one. But I'm here posting. Not because a shower's not important, but because there's absolutely no reason why it can't wait fifteen minutes.

Is it possible he also resents being told what to do by you?
My parents don't call it "making excuses" (they simply call it "arguing") but whenever they make suggestions or try to persuade me to do things, I do often have a contrarian response because I feel either their facts or their logic are in error. Aspies often have different priorities and different ways of thinking about things.

It sounds very much like an Aspie/NT difference, to me.

Successful, continuing relationships are usually the result of mutual priorities and individual expectations being met. In your case, the relationship sounds a bit like a parent-child relationship. If this is what you and he want and expect, OK. But if you expect him to somehow morph into another ideal of manhood in your head, it is not likely to happen.
I suggest the very positive book, Change Your Mindset, Not Your Man, by Sally B. Watkins, MSW. This author leads support groups for women already married to Aspie men.

Thanks for the insight. He does have depression and so do I but both of us are very happy together so there is no reason why he might not want to do these things because he's depressed. I know I do sound like a mothering hen but It's only because I love him and want him to be successful in life, I want others to see in him what I see. So by dressing nicely and shaving sends a good impression to others. He wants to be a teacher so I want people to respect him but no offense but when you look rough around the edges people tend to be less respectful.

And the cleaning thing is well maybe a hazard... His family are kind of hoarders but you can walk around in the house and stuff but his room hadn't been cleaned for a long time when I met him it was bad. He isn't a hoarder and hates it but again doesn't want to clean up his room. So I guess he just doesn't care about those things but, when I visit I don't want to hang out in a room that looks just as bad as the rest of the place!! ! I don't want to touch anything in the house! I don't eat there or use the bathroom unless my bladder is going to explode causing sepsis and possibly killing me.

As to being resentful about me telling him to do things I have asked him before if it bothers him but often replies that It doesn't. We don't currently live together but he says that he would like too. But if he doesn't get a job he can't move out and if he intends on being mess then I probably don't want to move in. Were pretty serious about our relationship so I don't want to dump him without first trying to solve the problem.

all of the posters above gave awesome advice already. i would like to reinforce that he is already a fully formed individual with his own goals, plans, and ideas. compromise on some things in a relationship is usually possible if there are problems, but trying to change a person's lifestyle wholesale is just not going to work; it will eventually lead to resistance and friction.

perhaps you need to take stock of what you can live with and what you cannot live with. if he wants to get a place with you, then you might want to tell him straight up that you cannot live in a messy or dirty house, so he would be expected to maintain his half of the chores. if he can't do that then you can make a decision accordingly.

i don't think you'll have too much success in trying to get him to shave. if he is just sitting at home and not working i don't really know why he needs to anyways. he's not a teacher right now. if he was out applying for jobs, then he should shave, and if he doesn't shave then he might not get the job. if he forgets to shave before jobhunting that would be an okay time to remind him. if he forgets when he is at home watching television it really isn't necessary to remind him, however. pick your battles as you can't just change him into a person who shaves all of the time when there is no reason.

also, you have said that he can't afford to live with you unless he gets a job. you might want to remind him of that. if he doesn't really put forth a valid attempt to get a job after that then you can be assured that moving out to a new place is not a priority for him. if he asks for help in his job search, then help him with that (or you could even offer). but uninvited reminders and frequent bits of advice may eventually make him feel (s)mothered.

i get the impression that you care deeply for him as a person, and see his lifestyle and surroundings as a way that he disrespects himself. when he doesn't clean up the house or shave, maybe you think that he doesn't care that much about his life or his future, and that bothers you because you think he deserves better treatment from himself. but he doesn't necessarily have the same set of guidelines and expectations for his self-care and surroundings that an NT person might. this might not be changeable but it most likely won't happen from too much external pressure.

I believe I'm likely in a similar situation as him. I want to get a job, I have goals, I want to have a clean apartment.

But I have so much trouble getting from where I'm at to where I want to be. For me it is quite difficult to
plan or navigate a path to a distant goal, such as a get a job, or even just cleaning my apartment.

I get so lost in the details. I can try to start something, and spend hours or all day even working on it.

I stop because I'm tired or done with the part I was working on or because I was interrupted or whatever.

Then when I get the chance to look around and make an assessment, it seems like I barely made any progress.

Which is quite discouraging, and makes me feel depressed and also saps out my mental energy.

That's something else too, sometimes, if I'm in an inspired mood, I can accomplish a lot, but getting there
and staying there is difficult.

Best I can tell getting into that mood involving thinking about something and getting ideas. Like seeing a clean
room with a cool tv or computer setup and a nice furniture layout has inspired me in the past to clean and
re-arrange an entire room. But if I get interrupted then it seems to all vanish, and the original source for
inspiration doesn't have the same impact, and I feel mentally tired.

Trying to do something when not in this state is like a constant and exhausting struggle.

I'm still trying to workout exactly what is going on, and how to deal with it and accomplish my goals.

Hope this maybe gives some insight into a possibility.

Personally I'd just say to ask him some question, but probably best to be direct and specific, and
definitely don't ever try subtlety. That's lead to many problems for me with people.

And by being specific, an example, this is only an example, tailor your questions to him,
really think about the situation and specific things, but instead of something like:

Why haven't you cleaned your room?

Maybe something more like:
======================================
Do you prefer a clean(er) room?
If so;
When you try to clean your room how do you go about it?
Where/How would you start?
Do you get stuck on anything?
What would you like the room to look like?; How do you think we could get it like that?
======================================

Hope that made some sense... and again, those are just examples of how to try to be more specific,
don't use those questions verbatim, try to think about and/or find out what more specific things
are going on and tailor the questions for them.

For a more literal sense, instead of just going to the grocery store, think about how you get
there, the route you take, where you go in the store, what you get, etc. You have to think
more in terms like that.

Again, Hope this helps.

Wish you all the best

I understand your frustration.

My guy has Pdd-nos. We have been together for 3 years and have recently become engaged. I know it's not the same, but I know being in a committed relationship with someone who does things and acts in ways that you don't understand is tough. My guy also gets upset when I try to talk about Pdd-NOS with him so I only know what I have researched.

We have our set of issues. It is often difficult for him to communicate clearly with me. Likewise, he often struggles to understand why something upsets me or even realize that it upsets me at all. I occasionally get stressed and overwhelmed.

This is how I have come to accept and deal with my personal relationship, and hope you can apply it to your own.

I know that I can not change him, and only he can change himself. I therefore try to avoid nagging, but encourage personal growth.

I try to look at the world from his point of view, since he struggles to understand mine.

I make compromises. (If you do the laundry, I will do X thing you want me to do.)

I help him understand my emotions through phrases like "if someone did X to you, how would you feel?"

He isn't going to do things that he doesn't care about, have a reason for, or simply want to do. However, when he does understand the importance of something to me, he is more willing to do it.

Hope that helps.

When I was in college, it was my NT girlfriend that was a slob. You couldn't even get into her room! LOL
I was very organized, but not really clean myself.
These days? Organized chaos describes my dwelling part of the house!

Matt

Hey OP you said bf right? not son kid or child?

seriously why do you care if his rooms a bit messy? why u being the mother? is it bad like really bad or something?