I want to show you my weakness...

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Well for me, I didn't even think I had emotions. Well, I did think it, but...yeah... Anyway, things got so bad in my life, I just lost emotions more or less. I'd still laugh at a television, etc, but I just felt so bad, that I just didn't feel bad anymore, if that makes sense? When my life got better, that's when my emotions came back on, and now that's where I'm at, able to "feel" things again, but it's like starting over. Weird...

Anyway, what I started doing is, well, back in my not having emotions stage, I might have dealt with whatever I had/didn't have by driving a lot. I'd drive for hours, without a particular destination in mind, usually at 1-2AM, and just think it all through. Now my cars are broken more or less, and I have to use my mom's car, so I don't drive as much, not as fun. But, I think what really possibly helped open me up a bit more emotionally is 2 hobbies. First one is figure skating. Second one is weight lifting. They sorta offset eachother I guess. On the ice it's like, a perfect escape, perfect way of expression, etc. Weights allow me to pursue the ideal of strength so beat into my head by society.

Obviously you can't just break down and cry like a little girl, such is life, but I guess you need to find a creative outlet for it. For me, personally, I wish to be in almost literal hermithood as soon as I can, just so I can have time to myself to collect my emotions and whatever.

But really, I don't know if you're quite like this, but my emotional maturity is probably not too high. Like, the type of music I listen to, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8v3wIYiX4c is just like, pop music. Not American pop music, that there is Italian, but just simple love songs and whatnot like that evoke so much emotion in me. Back when I was an idiotic high schooler, I tended to listen to metal and rap music and stupid music like that, but now I want to put that kind of music 1000 miles away from me. When I left highschool, I wasn't part of "the loop" anymore, so my natural inclinations got the best of me, and my natural inclinations were girly pop music. I went from having a little eurobeat like "on the side" to that sort of music completely dominating my music library. But for me now, I listen to girly pop music all the time. The world is bad enough without me having to hear about it in music. I feel like girly pop music like that is more how I actually feel inside. I kinda think if I developed differently, I'd probably be much more "sensitive" but because "toughen up and be a man" was ingrained so much into me, I turned out the way I did. It sucks, too, back in early elementary school, like all of my friends were girls, and then the more I "toughened up" for society, the more of those girl friends I lost, and now I'm 20 and have never had a girlfriend. Toughening up obviously did me so much good.

Oh well, wish I had a straight easy answer for you, but it's a problem I deal with myself. But really, I guess try not to deny your true self, for me it started with just simple things like listening to music I actually liked, obviously you don't have to reveal everything to the world, but...I guess be true to yourself. Man, wish I had better answers.

Your welcome, and its ok to rant. Gotta get it out somehow.
Standing up for myself can be hard too, mostly because I think of the reply waaaay after the incident happened. But when that happens, I plan how to respond...and the person who insulted me or whatever is likely to use the same sort of insult again, then I am prepared.

You have alot going on right now, college is hard enough without all that other stress too.
As far as self acceptance goes, find your gifts and your talents and focus on them....they will give you strength to face your weaknesses.
When it comes to not showing anger cuz it is the normal thing to do. You have to decide if showing your anger will help you in a certain situation, or make things worse. Not all situations are the same, Also you have to decide if you are angry because of what someone did and needs to be confronted or if you are just angry because of stress and keeping it all under a tight lid and the slightest disturbance feels like someone playing hopscotch on your nerves.

In situation 1, you have to know how to confront someone while keeping the situation under control. In most cases, it is best to use this formula "when you _______, I feel ____________. " This is a formula that is used in psychology circles that make sure you have ownership over how you feel, yet holds the other person accountable for their actions.
However in dealing with a bully...it is best to go for their emotional jugular before the situation gets out of control. Bullies will test their targets. You have make them hurt more than any satisfaction they get out of messing with you.
Find their emotional weakness, and rip it out and hand it to them on a silver platter.

In situation 2,....after a good screamfest in the middle of nowhere, alot of that built up tension will be relieved and others wont get on your nerves as much

Also I cant overstate the need to journal about everything that bothers you. Write 3 pages as soon as your eyes wake up and your feet hit the floor and when you write... don't think about anything just let the words pour on the page, also called automatic writing. Alot of it will be negitive whiney stuff....good!! that needs to come out. After 3 pages of letting it out every morning, you day just goes alot smoother and your mind works better.
Journaling saved me when I was in a deep depression after flunking out of college due to a sleep disorder, due to a medication side effect, I found that out later though.



Jojo

Thank you Whosinabunker and Jojo.

Jojo, great suggestions, especially the daily journal.
I never kept a diary because I prefer to be private with my thoughts; and I didn't want anyone finding it....but now that I'm older, it seems like a really good idea.

Although sometimes I don't even totally understand how or why I feel the way I do - I just know I'm bothered or upset. Maybe this will help me clear some stuff up.