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Whosinabunker
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23 Jan 2012, 4:38 pm

(feel free to move this post if you have to, I couldn't decide where to put it) Like the title suggests, this post is about weakness, or showing weakness. We all have some sort of weakness, we are all broken to some extent, we all have our faults, it's part of the human condition, but we all try to "man up" and hide them. I've been "manned up" for a long time, since I hit high school actually. While walking to and from classes at my university I have some time to think and sometimes I hope, nay I truly wish to break down right there on the spot and start crying, to release all these emotions I have built up. Or one day just have something to show that I am still human to everyone else and to myself. Whenever I hear stories of people on this site or elsewhere breaking down and crying or getting angry...I feel envious. I never emote, I always hide my true feelings, I'm getting better at showing them...but it's hard to break this many year-long habit. I don't get angry often anymore, I always hide it, I don't cry much anymore, when I do I savour it until my brain kicks in and represses it again, same goes for laughing, I always stop laughing if I laugh too long because "it's not how you're supposed to fit in". Does anyone else feel this way? Can anyone out there offer some small morsel of advice? I'm giving in and asking for help, even if it is some strangers on the internet. (no offense) I hate asking for so much advice and barely giving any, sorry, I'm still trying to figure out this whole "life" thing, I figure it's best to at least get something going before I am able to really offer advice to anyone else you know?



pensieve
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23 Jan 2012, 6:55 pm

That's a tough one. I am someone who has been hiding emotion too for many years but I still have a limit. Now I can reach a meltdown fairly quickly. It might have something to do with a chemical imbalance. I still try to blink back tears but depending on how strong my emotions are it's hard to do.

I find the best place to let my emotions out in the in the quiet and isolation of my room. If you are alone one day just try to let it all out. Scream it, throw it, punch it, whatever you need to do. I also find writing it down helps.


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Whosinabunker
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23 Jan 2012, 6:58 pm

pensieve wrote:
That's a tough one. I am someone who has been hiding emotion too for many years but I still have a limit. Now I can reach a meltdown fairly quickly. It might have something to do with a chemical imbalance. I still try to blink back tears but depending on how strong my emotions are it's hard to do.

I find the best place to let my emotions out in the in the quiet and isolation of my room. If you are alone one day just try to let it all out. Scream it, throw it, punch it, whatever you need to do. I also find writing it down helps.


I understand what I ask isn't the most straightforward or easy question to answer, but thank you for responding! This does seem to be helpful advice, however I am rarely completely alone so if I randomly start screaming/punching things I will get some super awkward looks =D. But I'll take it into consideration nonetheless, and thanks again!



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23 Jan 2012, 7:24 pm

I can relate, because I am rather prone to shutdowns and selective mutism than real meltdowns or tantrums (I was told I had as a young child though, but it has changed).

I don't know, but do you have some musical pieces, which trigger you emotionally? Do you get emotionally watching certain movies (I do, whenever an animal is sad or alone. There was this movie, where a dog used to wait for his human every day at the train station and one day the human died and the dog kept on waiting for him for - if I remember well - 8 years at the same spot. And then he died there, but he never left the area around the station, never went home again. The dog has now a stature there, because it truly happend).
Then maybe it can be an opening for you to - I don't know how to say - let "yourself go" or "release"?


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Whosinabunker
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23 Jan 2012, 7:42 pm

Eloa wrote:
I can relate, because I am rather prone to shutdowns and selective mutism than real meltdowns or tantrums (I was told I had as a young child though, but it has changed).

I don't know, but do you have some musical pieces, which trigger you emotionally? Do you get emotionally watching certain movies (I do, whenever an animal is sad or alone. There was this movie, where a dog used to wait for his human every day at the train station and one day the human died and the dog kept on waiting for him for - if I remember well - 8 years at the same spot. And then he died there, but he never left the area around the station, never went home again. The dog has now a stature there, because it truly happend).
Then maybe it can be an opening for you to - I don't know how to say - let "yourself go" or "release"?


There are some things that trigger me emotionally, mostly in music, however I've gotten more open to crying, smiling, etc. while watching movies or TV shows. Better but when I'm around people I have to cover it up. The only time I've been "caught" doing this was when my mother walked in on me after I just finished a very emotional video game and she said I was smiling, I didn't even know that...weird.



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23 Jan 2012, 8:02 pm

My emotions are all over the place. Last year I couldn't cry (and I needed to), this year I'm crying a lot.

Sometimes I have the strong urge to scream at the top of my lungs - like in places where I really should not scream. I used to feel that in high school a lot. I never did scream in school, even as much as I wanted to.
I'm an undiagnosed mess.


Whosinabunker, did you draw your avatar? If yes, that's a really awesome illustration!


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23 Jan 2012, 8:24 pm

I understand this well. I have to be the strong one...my mother has severe PTSD and goes into crying fits that lasts for hours, sometimes for days.
Me on the other hand, I just shut down emotionally in order to function and keep from falling apart myself.

However, there is a solution to bottled up emotions that I done before and it works well.

go out to some remote woods somewhere...If you dont have trees where you are, go find some wilderness that no one is around for at least a few miles. Once you get there...let it all out, scream, shout...say whatever needs to be said no matter how vile.
Bottling up emotions is very unhealthy cuz it can make you physically ill. If you dont release these emotions, your body will let it out through illness. I need to take my own advice soon.

It may seem scary to let out all this rage...you feel the power of these emotions and are afraid they will over take you, but these emotions are there whether you express then or keep them under a presurized cap. Rage is not a bad emotion...there are no bad emotions...just bad actions. Embrace your rage....give it a voice.

As far as the rest of it like laughing and just expressing emotions period. Be yourself, are you willing to destroy yourself to satisfy others notion of normality?
If they really cared about you then it shouldn't matter if you're kinda offbeat from the social rhythms. If it does matter to them, then they are not worth destroying yourself for.

It takes alot of courage to be yourself in this world, but in the end, you will have lived completely.
I recomend talking to Cockney Rebel about being yourself, she has alot of wisdom on that subject. She has embraced herself totally and completely despite harsh critisim from her family and "friends".

take care of yourself, no one else will.


Jojo


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Whosinabunker
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23 Jan 2012, 8:54 pm

goodwitchy wrote:
My emotions are all over the place. Last year I couldn't cry (and I needed to), this year I'm crying a lot.

Sometimes I have the strong urge to scream at the top of my lungs - like in places where I really should not scream. I used to feel that in high school a lot. I never did scream in school, even as much as I wanted to.
I'm an undiagnosed mess.


Whosinabunker, did you draw your avatar? If yes, that's a really awesome illustration!


I can relate to that feeling of wanting to scream as loudly as you can, sometimes I do it when I am driving home. It feels...pretty good actually, I usually follow up a scream with nonsensical giggling, it just makes me feel so giddy and happy when I do it, it's a very rare occurance however -_-. Also, no, I did not draw my avatar, I wish I could draw like that, I'm completely art-handicapped :)


jojobean wrote:
I understand this well. I have to be the strong one...my mother has severe PTSD and goes into crying fits that lasts for hours, sometimes for days.
Me on the other hand, I just shut down emotionally in order to function and keep from falling apart myself.

However, there is a solution to bottled up emotions that I done before and it works well.

go out to some remote woods somewhere...If you dont have trees where you are, go find some wilderness that no one is around for at least a few miles. Once you get there...let it all out, scream, shout...say whatever needs to be said no matter how vile.
Bottling up emotions is very unhealthy cuz it can make you physically ill. If you dont release these emotions, your body will let it out through illness. I need to take my own advice soon.

It may seem scary to let out all this rage...you feel the power of these emotions and are afraid they will over take you, but these emotions are there whether you express then or keep them under a presurized cap. Rage is not a bad emotion...there are no bad emotions...just bad actions. Embrace your rage....give it a voice.

As far as the rest of it like laughing and just expressing emotions period. Be yourself, are you willing to destroy yourself to satisfy others notion of normality?
If they really cared about you then it shouldn't matter if you're kinda offbeat from the social rhythms. If it does matter to them, then they are not worth destroying yourself for.

It takes alot of courage to be yourself in this world, but in the end, you will have lived completely.
I recomend talking to Cockney Rebel about being yourself, she has alot of wisdom on that subject. She has embraced herself totally and completely despite harsh critisim from her family and "friends".

take care of yourself, no one else will.


Jojo


Jojo


This...this is some very good advice. I do need to just go somewhere alone, granted I live in the city so I'd need to travel WAAAAAAY outside the town to get anywhere that is remotely...remote. Also, that's been the theme of my life for awhile now is self-acceptance. I'm having a hard time because there are some parts of me that...well...let's just say they are very inappropriate for living in today's society. Especially when it comes to anger, there are plenty of times when I want to get angry, but I hold it in, because it's not the "normal" thing to do. I just get so frustrated with my day to day life. Not necessarily from a family perspective, but just people, how they act, this plus me trying to come to terms with everything about me, plus the stress of being new to college...it's a little overwhelming at times to say the least. I'm not very good at "letting go", let's just say that much. Especially when it comes to caring about what other people think... Recently though it's come to my attention that...well...I never really stand up for myself, I usually just remain silent, or not approach a situation at all, I'm a bit of a coward (thanks to my obsession with what other people think of me) and I just lack the motivation sometimes you know? Oh lord, I think I have gone off on a rant...sorry about that...



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23 Jan 2012, 9:21 pm

someone once told me "use a pillow! your own mother won't hear you." handy tip.

have you ever been on any kind of medication? or experimented with any kind of drug use? i understand that it's definitely not an option for everyone, but it has helped me SO MUCH.



Whosinabunker
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23 Jan 2012, 9:54 pm

justalouise wrote:
someone once told me "use a pillow! your own mother won't hear you." handy tip.

have you ever been on any kind of medication? or experimented with any kind of drug use? i understand that it's definitely not an option for everyone, but it has helped me SO MUCH.


I am currently on a medication called Strattera to help with my ADD. And no, I have not used drugs of any kind...though in all honesty I'd like to try something at least once...for science... :lol:



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23 Jan 2012, 10:10 pm

For some reason I also see expression of feelings as a vulnerability, something to be hidden at all costs. Not including laughter at tv, movies etc I don't think many people have seen me emote much in the last 5-10 years. I find a good way of de-stressing is swimming but I do have the advantage of an ocean nearby :wink: I stay in the water for hours focusing on catching waves and moving around smoothly and calmly in the waves.
The Hawaiian surfer Clay Marza seems to get a therapeutic advantage from surfing too. I want to get a board soon and graduate from body surfing.
Someone mentioned a movie where a dog waits for a man for eight years after he died? Did Futurama parody that with Fry's dog? Sometimes shows like that catch me off guard and I have to blink back tears. It's messed up to be relieved at a reminder of your own humanity sometimes.



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23 Jan 2012, 10:12 pm

is for SCIENCE! :D

well i would recommend that you do your research ahead of time, maybe talk to other people about their experiences...if you're looking for something to enhance or bring out your emotions, i have had very positive experiences with this using MDMA (ie "pure" ecstasy). it's a highly controversial drug but one that has had no negative effects in my experience--in fact, the exact opposite. i am also a big fan of weed, LSD, and mushrooms. definitely in moderation to begin with, though, and it's not something you want to get carried away with.

god, when i think about the person that i was 6 or 7 years ago (right before i ever experimented with any of these things) and who i am now...it's night and day. in a good way.



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23 Jan 2012, 10:26 pm

Dan_Undiagnosed wrote:
For some reason I also see expression of feelings as a vulnerability, something to be hidden at all costs. Not including laughter at tv, movies etc I don't think many people have seen me emote much in the last 5-10 years. I find a good way of de-stressing is swimming but I do have the advantage of an ocean nearby :wink: I stay in the water for hours focusing on catching waves and moving around smoothly and calmly in the waves.
The Hawaiian surfer Clay Marza seems to get a therapeutic advantage from surfing too. I want to get a board soon and graduate from body surfing.
Someone mentioned a movie where a dog waits for a man for eight years after he died? Did Futurama parody that with Fry's dog? Sometimes shows like that catch me off guard and I have to blink back tears. It's messed up to be relieved at a reminder of your own humanity sometimes.


I have to agree with your last statement there, it's a little shocking, but it is relieving. Which is why I enjoy crying at a good film for as long as I can before my brain kicks in like I said above. I guess I need to find something to help with the stress, video games seem to be a nice outlet for now I guess.


justalouise wrote:
is for SCIENCE! :D

well i would recommend that you do your research ahead of time, maybe talk to other people about their experiences...if you're looking for something to enhance or bring out your emotions, i have had very positive experiences with this using MDMA (ie "pure" ecstasy). it's a highly controversial drug but one that has had no negative effects in my experience--in fact, the exact opposite. i am also a big fan of weed, LSD, and mushrooms. definitely in moderation to begin with, though, and it's not something you want to get carried away with.

god, when i think about the person that i was 6 or 7 years ago (right before i ever experimented with any of these things) and who i am now...it's night and day. in a good way.


Ha ha. I didn't think I would be getting advice like this when I posted this originally! (not a bad thing I guess) Sounds interesting though, always has. I might start doing some research though.



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23 Jan 2012, 10:29 pm

I have always had a hard time expressing emotions too, and while I'm twice your age, I still do to a large degree. I've come to understand this to be a function of the intensity of my own emotions. I think this is described very accurately by the Intense World Theory of spectrum disorders - that we feel things too strongly which leads to us shutting down our emotions in order to cope.

I also think my lack of emotional expression relates to my inability to read other people's emotions - since I often misread others' feelings, I have repeatedly expressed the wrong emotion in response, which leads to embarrassment or condemnation and therefore psychological pain. After doing this many times, the brain starts to equate expressing emotions with pain, and therefore it starts to avoid emotional expression whenever possible.

But movies have always been a great outlet for me too, not only to let out pent up emotions but to come to understand how others (NTs) express their emotions. Films use a whole variety of techniques to telegraph the internal thoughts and feelings of characters (including camera angles, editing, lighting, and, most importantly, soundtrack). In real life people tend to be very subtle with their non-verbal cues. Through movies, I have been able to learn quite a lot about how NTs interact and convey emotions.

If you are like me, I would imagine it's not only your lack of expression that is frustrating but also your inability to express your feelings with others. The more you can learn how other people work and communicate and the more you begin to let down your guard with at least a 1 or 2 close friends, the freer you can feel to let your emotions out. I know I will never be as free or expressive with my emotions as my NT friends, but then I really don't think there is anything wrong with that. I am happy enough that I can communicate my feelings to them in the instances when it really counts.

Well, not sure how helpful that all is, but that's my experience so far :wink:



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24 Jan 2012, 12:27 am

creative_intensity wrote:
I have always had a hard time expressing emotions too, and while I'm twice your age, I still do to a large degree. I've come to understand this to be a function of the intensity of my own emotions. I think this is described very accurately by the Intense World Theory of spectrum disorders - that we feel things too strongly which leads to us shutting down our emotions in order to cope.

I also think my lack of emotional expression relates to my inability to read other people's emotions - since I often misread others' feelings, I have repeatedly expressed the wrong emotion in response, which leads to embarrassment or condemnation and therefore psychological pain. After doing this many times, the brain starts to equate expressing emotions with pain, and therefore it starts to avoid emotional expression whenever possible.

But movies have always been a great outlet for me too, not only to let out pent up emotions but to come to understand how others (NTs) express their emotions. Films use a whole variety of techniques to telegraph the internal thoughts and feelings of characters (including camera angles, editing, lighting, and, most importantly, soundtrack). In real life people tend to be very subtle with their non-verbal cues. Through movies, I have been able to learn quite a lot about how NTs interact and convey emotions.

If you are like me, I would imagine it's not only your lack of expression that is frustrating but also your inability to express your feelings with others. The more you can learn how other people work and communicate and the more you begin to let down your guard with at least a 1 or 2 close friends, the freer you can feel to let your emotions out. I know I will never be as free or expressive with my emotions as my NT friends, but then I really don't think there is anything wrong with that. I am happy enough that I can communicate my feelings to them in the instances when it really counts.

Well, not sure how helpful that all is, but that's my experience so far :wink:


I have to agree, thanks to movies, tv shows, and anime, I have learned a lot about how people work and how I should act, it really does help. But I have about 5 close friends I talk to on a fairly regular basis (at least once a week) but they are miles away from me. You make an interesting point about equating emotions with pain...maybe that is what's causing it...huh, I never thought of it like that...thanks for the insight!



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24 Jan 2012, 1:11 am

Well for me, I didn't even think I had emotions. Well, I did think it, but...yeah... Anyway, things got so bad in my life, I just lost emotions more or less. I'd still laugh at a television, etc, but I just felt so bad, that I just didn't feel bad anymore, if that makes sense? When my life got better, that's when my emotions came back on, and now that's where I'm at, able to "feel" things again, but it's like starting over. Weird...

Anyway, what I started doing is, well, back in my not having emotions stage, I might have dealt with whatever I had/didn't have by driving a lot. I'd drive for hours, without a particular destination in mind, usually at 1-2AM, and just think it all through. Now my cars are broken more or less, and I have to use my mom's car, so I don't drive as much, not as fun. But, I think what really possibly helped open me up a bit more emotionally is 2 hobbies. First one is figure skating. Second one is weight lifting. They sorta offset eachother I guess. On the ice it's like, a perfect escape, perfect way of expression, etc. Weights allow me to pursue the ideal of strength so beat into my head by society.

Obviously you can't just break down and cry like a little girl, such is life, but I guess you need to find a creative outlet for it. For me, personally, I wish to be in almost literal hermithood as soon as I can, just so I can have time to myself to collect my emotions and whatever.

But really, I don't know if you're quite like this, but my emotional maturity is probably not too high. Like, the type of music I listen to, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8v3wIYiX4c is just like, pop music. Not American pop music, that there is Italian, but just simple love songs and whatnot like that evoke so much emotion in me. Back when I was an idiotic high schooler, I tended to listen to metal and rap music and stupid music like that, but now I want to put that kind of music 1000 miles away from me. When I left highschool, I wasn't part of "the loop" anymore, so my natural inclinations got the best of me, and my natural inclinations were girly pop music. I went from having a little eurobeat like "on the side" to that sort of music completely dominating my music library. But for me now, I listen to girly pop music all the time. The world is bad enough without me having to hear about it in music. I feel like girly pop music like that is more how I actually feel inside. I kinda think if I developed differently, I'd probably be much more "sensitive" but because "toughen up and be a man" was ingrained so much into me, I turned out the way I did. It sucks, too, back in early elementary school, like all of my friends were girls, and then the more I "toughened up" for society, the more of those girl friends I lost, and now I'm 20 and have never had a girlfriend. Toughening up obviously did me so much good.

Oh well, wish I had a straight easy answer for you, but it's a problem I deal with myself. But really, I guess try not to deny your true self, for me it started with just simple things like listening to music I actually liked, obviously you don't have to reveal everything to the world, but...I guess be true to yourself. Man, wish I had better answers.