What really is bullying?

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This may need to be moved to PPR, but I don't know. Thought I'd post it here first and see how it goes.

Since I've been on WP I've read stories of horrific bullying and I've also seen things that obviously are not bullying referred to as bullying.

So I want to ask what is your definition of bullying? And can you give examples please?

I have seen people say that someone bullied them into doing something they needed to do, ie; take prescribed and needed medication, eat, take a bath, etc. I have seen people call a simply rude person a "bully", I have seen people refer to parenting tactics as "bullying" or teachers "bullying" you into doing homework.

Where does it end? Is anyone who doesn't ask in a nice voice, and give many other options, a bully? Is someone a bully simply because we have AS and we don't like their demeanor? Or is bullying the territory of that one crazy person who actually physically assaults us or calls us crazy names for no reason at all? One extreme or the other, or somewhere in the middle?

What do you think?

I'll post what I think later on, I want to see responses and discuss it, not simply dictate what I think is and isn't.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Well one little thing I think its more likely the 'crazy' person would be more likely to be picked on by normal people than the other way around.

Other then that I think bullying is when you intentionally say or do things to hurt or control another person.....I would say bullying and abusing are close to the same thing since bullying would be a form of abuse.

Interesting.

I was at a primary school meeting earlier this week looking at a draft policy on bullying. The school have defined it as, and I'm paraphrasing because I didn't bring a copy home, "behaviour which is intentionally hurtful and which continues over time."

The school is having difficulty with children using the term "bullying" to refer to one-off incidents, to collisions in the playground which are accidental, and to remarks and behaviours which are simply thoughtless rather than malicious.

Bully is often a misused word just like troll is and ignorant and stupid.


Definition of Bullying:

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/bully

bul·ly 1 (bl)
n. pl. bul·lies
1. A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing, especially to smaller or weaker people.
2. A hired ruffian; a thug.
3. A pimp.
4. Archaic A fine person.
5. Archaic A sweetheart.
v. bul·lied, bul·ly·ing, bul·lies
v.tr.
1. To treat in an overbearing or intimidating manner. See Synonyms at intimidate.
2. To make (one's way) aggressively.


So I guess that should help you out why that word gets thrown around so quick.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying



After reading those, I still see it as being misused. I am sure I have misused it myself and probably still do.

I look back in my childhood and am questioning what really was bullying I got and what wasn't. I also don't see lot of bullying here but I do see that accusation get thrown around. It's more like if you don't like someone's opinion, it makes them a "bully."

As a young child, I used to say Kids bug me or bother me, kids tease me and make fun of me and won't leave me alone and are mean to me. I never used the word bully because that word didn't exist in my vocabulary then. I was eight when I first heard the word but I still didn't understand it then and when I finally started to get the concept of it, I thought it as beating people up or taking their lunch money or grabbing their things. Now as an adult I find out there are different levels of it and it's like a spectrum. Bullying can range anywhere from harmless to violence. Teasing is considered bullying but that is if the person isn't enjoying it and the teasing you're doing is like calling them fat or using insults to upset them or doing anything to upset someone, that is bullying.


I would say everyone has some bully tendencies in them since people misuse it so much. parents bully their kids because that is part of being a good parent.You take away their privileges, you ground them, you make them do their homework and eat healthy or there are consequences. That's not bullying but I am calling it as such because the word is misused. Someone makes you uncomfortable so you ignore them to avoid trouble and conflict, you are bullying the person. Not bullying but they would call you one just for this. You go to your therapist and talk about people you can't stand, you are a bully. People call you one when you say bad things about them. This is how much the word is misused.

I would view a child abuser as a bully and someone who puts people down, and tries to control people around them to get their way. I also view teasing as bullying, not playful teasing, mean teasing. Spreading false rumors on someone would be bullying too. Ignoring someone can be bullying but that depends. Singling someone out I consider bullying but that also depends. Trying to make someone look bad by telling people things about them so they can turn on them be bullying too. but what if you said was true and they were that bad, I guess that wouldn't be bullying because you be trying to warn them but most of the time they don't listen so they end up learning hard way. I've known several people who had that happen to. My aunt, my last ex, two of my online friends, me. Of course I never thought my parents were trying to bully me or my ex when they told me about him. I just thought they were being judgmental and their judgments turned out to be true. My aunt, I am not sure if she regretted for not listening or not and I don't know if anyone told her about her ex too. But I know the rest regretted for not listening to their mothers because they ended up in a huge battle with them afterwards. So it's not always bullying when you try and get someone to turn on someone because you know they are bad news. It's called protecting your friend and trying to be a good one but for a while they may see you as you trying to bully the person they like until they find out what you said was true. Instead of telling them '"I told you so" just say "I am so sorry." I am sure they feel stupid about it and ashamed for not listening to you.

As a child, I was a completely introverted, shy, quiet person who liked to keep to myself. I never was interested in nor got into anyone else's business. I would consider a "bully" any one who would tease or harass me (verbally or physically) in any way when unprovoked. I was bullied A LOT growing up. I still consider "bullying" by the same definition...

So, bullying is in the eye of the beholder?

If my son put his English teacher's name into the "bully box" at school to report them, then the teacher should have bullying on her record? She told him "You have to do this work, and if you don't you will fail my class!" Oh dear God. She gave him an ultimatum, he doesn't want to do it and feels she's intimidating him. Even though she's his 9th grade English teacher, she has no right to tell him what to do?

Lets take it farther shall we? He comes home and says "Mom, my teacher yelled at me for not doing my work" If I say "Well do your work!" I'm bullying too, right? Poor kid is bullied into spening the entire night playing that new Xbox in his room!

I should have gone to the school and sat down with them and talked about how she should ASK HIM to do the work he IS SUPPOSED TO DO at school, right? They should have been so much nicer.

If we put bullying in the eye of the beholder, then everybody is a bully! WP is a big horrible bad bully because it doesn't let me upload pictures I want to. Oh no! Let's start a witch hunt for WP!

I don't really care about uploading pics and that was a made up issue there, but if you put it into the eye of the "bullied", I could accuse almost anybody of bullying.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

My memory isn't always that great, but I could swear having this conversation not all that long ago.

Of course tossing about accusations of bullying can be abused. Anything can be abused. The point is the accusations should be taken seriously, but as with anything some judgment calls have to be made.

Let me put it this way. If no one ever complains of bullying, bullying will happen repeatedly, unchecked. Communication is the beginning of stopping it. If you FEEL bullied, you should SAY so, either directly to the person, or to someone who will do something about it. Whatever the case, the fact that someone feels bullied needs to get back to the person who initiated the action.

Does this mean that every time someone complains of being bullied, that means that actual bullying occurred? Of course it doesn't mean that. But when the term bully is abused, as in the example given above (student accusing teacher who said "Do your work or you'll fail." ) clearly that is nothing more than a student looking for an excuse not to do his work. The example seems a bit silly to me.

On the other hand, I have seen countless times people who speak in what they say is "just being honest" ways, who are told what they are saying isn't appreciated and is abusive, who then reject the insinuation and place the blame for hurt feelings squarely on the shoulders of the one who is hurt. That's just wrong. Period.

There's a huge difference between being oversensitive (which some people are, and it may not be their fault), and being manipulative by carelessly tossing accusations of bullying. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the difference.

The problem with conversations like this is that the question "What is bullying?" begs a simple answer. But there IS no simple answer. Every situation has to be considered on its own merits. To expect a simple definition of bullying is to be unrealistic. To attempt to offer one is to set oneself up for counter arguments that can go on forever on various tangents, creating a no-win argument that goes nowhere.

There are no simple answers to this question. Opinions will vary. Dialogue and communication is the only answer.

"What you just said insults me."

"Well it shouldn't, because I didn't mean anything by it."

That conversation is already off to a bad start.

"What you said just insulted me."

"Really? Why is that? I didn't intend insult. Can you help me understand?"

...is the better way to begin. No presumptions. No prejudgments. Just trying to see things from another's point of view. Without that, the problem will never be solved.

Behavior repeated over time of threats, intimidation, physical abuse. Or even in our cases, of just being treated as different to intentionally humilate someone.
This is Bullying. Don't let semantics confuse you..
Or like the old one about the Judge asked to define pornography "I don't know if I can explain it, but I know it when I *SEE* it!"
It takes all forms. In females, its more subtle, they will try to isolate you in various ways.

Sincerely,
Matthew