What really is bullying?

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Children can often be reasoned with. They want to know why they have to do something, such as washing their hands before dinner. If parents explain to them "you pick up germs when you touch things and you might get very sick if these germs get onto your food", they are capable of understanding this line of reasoning.

As for punishing, the most effective punishment was when my mother was disappointed with me and seemingly bothered by my behavior. She was my only attachment figure (in my mind, my father was just some guy who spent some hours in our living room each day and rarely ever talked to me), so I definitely didn't want her to sad because of me.

Bullying does not have to be intentional. That is to say, someone does not have to think "I am going to bully another person" in order to be a bully. It is, from my observation, remarkably easy for people to cross the line into actual bullying and remarkably easy for them to justify it to themselves via defense mechanisms such as denial, projection, etc. I unintentionally bullied a friend of mine on an extremely sore point because I was trying to joke with him and crossed a line. He certainly felt bullied and while my intentions were good, the outcome was far outside of where I wanted them to take me. I had to live with the outcome, and so did he.

I don't think every interaction that goes badly can be characterized as bullying, although I don't think you need a history of harassment before you can call it bullying, either.

I don't think a consensus will emerge from this thread.

Well, I will try my best not to do this, or even think a frowny thought again!

And when I do feel like that, I'll just....

Go over here for a minute and think happy thoughts until I'm happy.

That will certainly keep a small child from running into the road if my hands are full of grocery bags and I can't hold his.

And if he gets hit by a car, I'll just think "Well at least I never yelled or spanked him, and plus, he wasn't my rfiend, the dog".

Yeah.

Grow up.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Huh?

Sorry, extremely bad night around the ole homestead here. Took it out on you, and other posters here. Not the best thing to do, I know.

Basically, that post was all sarcasm. I'm not that great at it, so it's not surprising that you didn't get it.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Okay. Sympathies for the bad night, and thank you for explaining.

All human beings are bullies. It is human nature. Only a human being has the capacity and intelligence to go out of their way to cause harm to another person when it is not even in their own best interest.

Usually, I look at long term behavior. I also look for clues. If I admit to being offended by something, and they say something like "Can't you take a joke?" or "why are you so sensitive" that is another flag? Everyone has their bad days, but the key is to look into the underlying mindset of the person, and evalute behavior over a long term period of time. A bully is a bully is a bully and that is just the way they are. They are very difficult to change, and although they may not admit it publicly, a true bully always believe they have a right to trample over anyone they perceive as weaker than themselves. Dumb bullies are obvious and you can just ignore them but most vicious bullies are covert and passive aggressive. They will be nice to you and then spread rumors behind your back. It is literally impossible for Aspies or even neurotypicals to defend themselves against these types of people. They are too skilled at their trade, since it is all they know. A good person cannot read a bully and cannot defeat them. They can only ignore if they want to remain unharmed.

One more point, bullies are very good at riling people up, saying something so incredibly insensitve, ignorant or stupid, that the target is left with only two possibilities:

1) Stay in silence, in which case admit weakness to the bully

2) Fight back, which is again admitting weakness to the bully

They are very adept at putting people into double binds, in which they have no way out.

Gaslighting is another vicious techniques that bullies use that people may want to look into. It is basically denying the victim's feelings. If done over and over and over again, the target begins to feel that they are losing their mind or that the bully is actually right. This has happened to me in the past, but if you ever try to explain yourself to a third party, they will usually dismiss you as being paranoid or overly sensitive. Probably the most vicious tactic in their book.

Something interesting I have noticed about bullies is they pick on someone and then act like they are innocent by playing the victim by acting like their victim did something wrong and they didn't. I wonder if they are delusional and are that oblivious to their behavior and if they get amnesia or something right after they bully. I had no idea this was a method bullies did until one of my online friends told me when I asked him if he has ever seen a bully do it. I have seen it a few times. I even wonder if they actually believe their own delusion.

If someone is often getting accused of doing things they have no memory of so they assume it never happened and everyone is lying to them about what they did, then they have a problem. Would that still make them a bully?