Do all people reject you (has this ever happened to you?)

Page 1 of 3 [ 33 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

northbrbrain
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

31 Jan 2012, 11:36 pm

goodwitchy wrote:
Are they shunning you? Or are they not ready for social interaction?

I guess my question is: Is it totally fair to blame yourself if these people who are not used to normal social interaction don't reciprocate your desire for communication or interaction?


It probably isn't fair to blame myself completely. When this has happened on several occasions, the person seemed quite extraverted and wanting interaction, but i've noticed that the next time i meet them, they seem to avoid eye-contact and talk more to the people who were less friendly to them, almost like it is familiar and that is what they prefer



northbrbrain
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

31 Jan 2012, 11:41 pm

Anke wrote:
northbrbrain wrote:
Anyway, I find that after talking to these people like once or twice, they shun me too! I


I'm wondering what 'shunning' means. There is a cultural model of 'friendship', depending on the cultural environment we move in. When you aim to make friends,, you expect people to act a certain way at a certain point in the relationship. For example you when you see them again after having had a chat with them last time you saw them, you might expect them to greet you in a certain way.

Some cultures would use a hug, others a handshake.

But here you are dealing with socially inexperienced people who might not have this software running.

Might you be interpreting the lack of 'adequate' response as 'shunning'?

Just a thought.


It probably isn't shunning in a technical sense, but they seem to (the next time i see them) prefer to interact with others rather than me. They actively avoid eye-contact and don't initiate conversation, yet seem quite comfortable to interact with others. It is possible, like you said, that the lack of 'software running' due to social inexperience could be partially responsible for it



kahlua
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 363

01 Feb 2012, 5:25 am

I seem to give off vibes that turn people off. Despite being quite good at faking it, there is evidently still something there that people pick up on



Invader
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 458
Location: UK

06 Feb 2012, 6:39 pm

GoldCoinLover wrote:
Radiofixr wrote:
Yes all the time-I have people turn away from me when I approach and people ignore me right to my face all the time.
yup.my own therapy kicked me out , no referral, nothing. Because I was honest about my anger towards them.instead of being forgiving, they lied to me straight up about why, then kicked me out . Then they said to me how good it was that I've always been so honest.right..fourth therapist I had to cope with losing


Ha, I've had that happen a couple of times too. They seem to hate having holes blown in their childish theories, and having their lack of a sufficient education pointed out to them.

They then go on to add malicious notes to a permanent file, which is passed on to any potential helpers in the future, who are then completely put off by the bitter lies of the previous "helpers", and refuse to offer any assistance. :roll:



Rhiannon0828
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2011
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 434

07 Feb 2012, 4:02 pm

hanyo wrote:
I don't even talk to people first a lot in the mmorpg I play.


Good, I'm not the only one! I play LOTRO, and my husband can't understand why I refuse to join kinships and fellowships with other players. I don't even like responding to IM's. I just know it won't turn out well, and real-life rejection is bad enough--I'm not about to sign up for it in my online world too.

I'd really love to know what it is about me exactly that either makes people act as if I'm invisible or drives them off. I make an effort to be friendly and pleasant and polite, but it never seems to work for long. Sometimes it seems that people think I am boring and uptight--they always seem really surprised when I mention that I like or do something they think is cool. But I know that in most cases, if I show them the real me, they're just going to run.


_________________
"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."


hanyo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Sep 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,302

07 Feb 2012, 4:07 pm

I wouldn't want to join most clans in the mmorpg I play because a lot of them have stupid rules that I won't follow, like being in their clan chat when you are on the game or requiring you to attend events.

I've even been called a "bot" for not talking to people. That happened to me a few times recently. A bot is a computer program people use to play the game for them.



Rhiannon0828
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2011
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 434

07 Feb 2012, 4:44 pm

hanyo wrote:
I wouldn't want to join most clans in the mmorpg I play because a lot of them have stupid rules that I won't follow, like being in their clan chat when you are on the game or requiring you to attend events.

I've even been called a "bot" for not talking to people. That happened to me a few times recently. A bot is a computer program people use to play the game for them.


"Doesn't play well with others" definetely applies to me! :lol:


_________________
"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."


namaste
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2011
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,365
Location: Hindustan

08 Feb 2012, 4:13 am

Rhiannon0828 wrote:
hanyo wrote:
I don't even talk to people first a lot in the mmorpg I play.


Good, I'm not the only one! I play LOTRO, and my husband can't understand why I refuse to join kinships and fellowships with other players. I don't even like responding to IM's. I just know it won't turn out well, and real-life rejection is bad enough--I'm not about to sign up for it in my online world too.

I'd really love to know what it is about me exactly that either makes people act as if I'm invisible or drives them off. I make an effort to be friendly and pleasant and polite, but it never seems to work for long. Sometimes it seems that people think I am boring and uptight--they always seem really surprised when I mention that I like or do something they think is cool. But I know that in most cases, if I show them the real me, they're just going to run.

ya i remember reading for a girl online several times and through telephone
but when she saw the real me she disappeared.
since she saw someone with low confidence, low self esteem etc


_________________
The only thing right in this wrong world is
WRONG PLANET


BunnyMum
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 2 Feb 2012
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 79

08 Feb 2012, 5:42 am

kahlua wrote:
I seem to give off vibes that turn people off. Despite being quite good at faking it, there is evidently still something there that people pick up on


Yes, I know exactly what you mean... I seem to do this too!! ! I don't know how to stop it happening, but I wish I did.

I joined an art class last year. The other students were friendly enough with me. I actually thought a few of them liked me. But at the end of term they had a Christmas party at one of the student's houses. I said I wanted to go and turned up to class with some party food to share. After class they all left in their cars to go to the party. I don't drive and they all knew this, so I was hoping someone would offer to give me a lift. But no one did and as the last person left to drive to the party and simply said "bye" to me I knew I wouldn't be going. So I was left sitting all alone in the empty classroom. I went home and cried...

This sort of thing happens so often to me. So yes, I try to be friendly the best I can being so quiet and shy and awkward... but I'm clearly giving out vibes for others to back off, even though I don't always want them to.



Keeno
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Mar 2006
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,875
Location: Earth

08 Feb 2012, 6:02 am

It's never been ALL people. I think it's just those with an opposite personality and values to me.



OJani
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2011
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,505
Location: Hungary

08 Feb 2012, 6:40 am

Has it ever happened with you that you began to interact with someone (both IRL and on the net), you felt you can relate to the problems of the other person, felt a strong drive to help them with your supposedly more elaborate experience (mostly due to age, but not limited to it), and thought you can be honest and straightforward, just to make the other person feel judged and looked down and overall more miserable than before? Or simply misinterpreting the emotional needs of the other person? (e.g. you tried to cheer up or comfort a person the wrong way, making them angry) I'd imagine myself in place of the other person, how I would have appreciated such sharing of information openly (perhaps, it might be only me thinking it up), but usually it's not before I've screwed up that I'd discover I was a complete as*hole. Meeting the reality, how much I suck... :(

The above has a myriad of variants, the the most common thing about them is this pattern: I begin to form a relationship, reach some initial success, assume I can be more myself and drop some pretense, and eventually people come to dislike me and somehow I'm rejected or shunned (and most often than not they'd leave the odium of breaking up the relationship to me).


_________________
Another non-English speaking - DX'd at age 38
"Aut viam inveniam aut faciam." (Hannibal) - Latin for "I'll either find a way or make one."


Mayel
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jul 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 493

08 Feb 2012, 12:51 pm

OJani wrote:
The above has a myriad of variants, the the most common thing about them is this pattern: I begin to form a relationship, reach some initial success, assume I can be more myself and drop some pretense, and eventually people come to dislike me and somehow I'm rejected or shunned (and most often than not they'd leave the odium of breaking up the relationship to me).

This happens quite often to me. Sometimes I even don't reach "success" at all,...just a good first impression and yes, after somehow feeling accepted I think I can be more like myself but as soon as this happens, people reject me.
It's difficult to find people who are tolerant and open enough, socially skilled, to tolerate and accept someone who's got a different "aura" than most or who interacts differently.



bigcoop
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 1 Oct 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 80

09 Feb 2012, 1:05 am

I wouldn't take offense, they are probably really insecure with themselves. I think a few people like this have distanced themselves because they misread me or wonder about my intentions. I think many of us often do this. I was studying with a couple of classmates the other day and this girl asked "Do you think he will give us a review before the test?" and I said "He soooo isn't," another guy repeated "He soooo isn't," I apologized thinking he was making fun of me for the way I said it and he told me he was agreeing with me so I felt bad haha. I'm sure you're a great person with wonderful intentions, I wouldn't sweat it. There are many people out there, including myself who are often too insecure to look at it from a friendly angle some time. (I know I often take people wayyyy too literally. It's just something THEY will need to make adjustments on, because it is out of your control. I can totally relate to your posts btw b/c before my diagnosis I would rather try to hang out with the "popular" kids when I didn't realize how many great people outside of that realm there were.



js3521
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 10 Dec 2010
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 150
Location: Texas

09 Feb 2012, 2:48 am

I am experiencing the brunt of this now. Knowing how it feels to be ostracized from all friends more than once in my life, I genuinely hope that all of the readers' future social endeavors are to last.



northbrbrain
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

12 Feb 2012, 9:36 pm

Thank you all for the replies; it is a comfort to know i'm not the only one who feels i have a bad 'vibe' and that social situations start out well for the first few minutes (1st impressions) only to deteriorate over time due to letting my guard down :(



northbrbrain
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jan 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 45

12 Feb 2012, 9:47 pm

Mayel wrote:
OJani wrote:
The above has a myriad of variants, the the most common thing about them is this pattern: I begin to form a relationship, reach some initial success, assume I can be more myself and drop some pretense, and eventually people come to dislike me and somehow I'm rejected or shunned (and most often than not they'd leave the odium of breaking up the relationship to me).

This happens quite often to me. Sometimes I even don't reach "success" at all,...just a good first impression and yes, after somehow feeling accepted I think I can be more like myself but as soon as this happens, people reject me.
It's difficult to find people who are tolerant and open enough, socially skilled, to tolerate and accept someone who's got a different "aura" than most or who interacts differently.


I can relate to this- it is the aura or vibe that is off, even after learning a few rote social skills. There are people that I know who are also on the spectrum but seem more 'obvious'- they are accepted more. Social skills (manually and mechanically learned) can be a curse in a way, especially if you feel your aura or vibe is still off. People just don't know what to make of me(i fear) and perhaps i come across as a weird NT with a bad personality or character defect or something