Casual Sex, Yes Or No?
techstepgenr8tion
Veteran
Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,150
Location: 28th Path of Tzaddi
Stick summat on't th'end of it!
Couple things:
1) Autistic = monster, not up for months of chase and several times the price (time + beer + clothing) for highly mediocre sex.
2) One person masturbating vs. two people masturbating. If you pen yourself a big check every month for a kid that you never had because you can't asexually produce, its a moot point and at worst you're racking up some bank fees.
3) You meet someone who's exactly what you've wanted but end up feeling something that all the guy tramps used to say all the time "She's too good for me" and its another weight on your shoulders and one where you can't un-tag yourself. Annoying if she finds out but bad enough that its hung around your own self-esteem like a lead weight.
The funny thing is, if you can find at least one monogamous relationship with sex once or twice a week, you're learning what you need to, you're not spending exorbitant amounts of money or effort to seal the deal nearly each individual time, and the best part - sterling quality, the psychological energy is on point. You've got someone who you can think about and feel warm and fuzzy all day, not be watching your phone with anxiety hoping she doesn't call or that you gave her your real name or number by accident.
_________________
“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word "love" here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace - not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.” - James Baldwin
I don't see a problem with it.
Although sex can be love-making, sometimes two people can just really WANT each other. And as long as they can keep it at just that, then why not? [assuming it's not cheating of course ]
_________________
Your Aspie score: 102 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 98 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
Stick summat on't th'end of it!
Couple things:
1) Autistic = monster, not up for months of chase and several times the price (time + beer + clothing) for highly mediocre sex.
2) One person masturbating vs. two people masturbating. If you pen yourself a big check every month for a kid that you never had because you can't asexually produce, its a moot point and at worst you're racking up some bank fees.
3) You meet someone who's exactly what you've wanted but end up feeling something that all the guy tramps used to say all the time "She's too good for me" and its another weight on your shoulders and one where you can't un-tag yourself. Annoying if she finds out but bad enough that its hung around your own self-esteem like a lead weight.
The funny thing is, if you can find at least one monogamous relationship with sex once or twice a week, you're learning what you need to, you're not spending exorbitant amounts of money or effort to seal the deal nearly each individual time, and the best part - sterling quality, the psychological energy is on point. You've got someone who you can think about and feel warm and fuzzy all day, not be watching your phone with anxiety hoping she doesn't call or that you gave her your real name or number by accident.
HALLELUJAH.
_________________
on a break, so if you need assistance please contact another moderator from this list:
viewtopic.php?t=391105
Define "casual." Some people classify all non-marital sex as "casual." Which was always a bit confusing to me. Isn't it really more "casual" with the old battleaxe than when you are new and a little nervous about each other?
I wish I was the sort of person who can have sex with some one I don't particularly care about, because they seem so emotionally self contained and independent, but I'm not. I don't beat myself up about it though.
techstepgenr8tion
Veteran
Joined: 6 Feb 2005
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,150
Location: 28th Path of Tzaddi
For me to even get remotely excited about the notion she'd have to be both a prolific tease and brat with that sort of gremlin-like personality that a lot of dull-side bar-girls have; that turn-on-by-annoyance sort of appeal.
Even then, it would have to be all her doing the chasing. Places where I could even possibly run into that a) I get bored senseless within 5 minutes if I'm there by myself, b) If I'm there with friends I guarantee I'll slip, say something intelligent, and have my cover blown for the rest of the night - essentially ruling out even the remote possibility of that, even if I had wanted it to begin with (which is.....maybe three or four times a year and half the time just when I'm at work or on lunch break?).
_________________
“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word "love" here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace - not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.” - James Baldwin
Shatbat
Veteran
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,791
Location: Where two great rivers meet
My male logic says, hell yeah!! ! but in reality I've never been able to do it. Sex is the only way I've found to connect on an emotional level, it's when the mask comes off and I can experience emotions that are too complicated to express during normal interpersonal relations. As such, I've never been able to casually do something that has developed into a romantic ritual. I've tried to explain this to my girlfriends over the years however they think I'm just a typical sex-obsessed male.
Speaking as an introverted guy, getting out in the first place is draining. I can do well in small groups, keeping track of up to three other people talking at the same time, but when out and about in a loud bar/club where there could be many small conversation trains running at the same time, it gets overwhelming, especially when there are numerous distractors.
I don't thrive in these types of environments, and the ones I do thrive in (classes/personal study/even the occasional house party) don't lend themselves as well to casual hookups, because sooner or later everyone knows everyone. Even if I did, I've had one casual hookup and just felt...odd about it after. I didn't feel some sense of masculine pride at getting laid just to get laid, as much as I felt a case of "oh...ehh...I don't think I'm attracted to her long-term. Let's be friendly for now?"
On the other hand, I *am* a guy. So there's always that urge that says "more partners", even if only because different women like different things, and I want more experience. Honestly, I think there's a "middle" ground between pure FWB situations, or exclusive relationships.
I don't usually like to talk about my psychic experiences here, but I'd like to share one that taught me just how powerful it is to have a sexual connection with someone. I had a long-distance relationship for many years with a man who lives overseas. We never met in person but let's just say, we still saw each other naked and knew each other very intimately. We had some very intense telepathic experiences and in some ways I felt closer to him than I ever have to anyone I've been with in person.
At one point, very unexpectedly, I began falling for a guy I worked with. I told my long-distance SO about it immediately because I did not want to go behind his back. He was understandably very upset and angry. I put a stop to this other relationship very quickly, and it was never consummated, but the damage was already done.
Not long after that, one evening I was overcome with a sick, panicky dread. I didn't know what was wrong, but I felt very physically uncomfortable, almost ill, and very, I mean extremely emotionally distraught, and couldn't even make sense out of why I felt that way. I tried to call my SO and spoke with a family member who told me he was not at home.
The next day or so he confessed to me he had wanted to even the score, and had sex with a woman he barely knew and didn't care about. He had heard about my phone call and how distraught I was, and he was very sorry about it. He had figured out that although I didn't know what he was up to, I had picked up on it physically and it had affected me very negatively. He didn't enjoy it either, he said it felt empty and was not pleasant at all. We compared notes on how we both felt, and oddly enough we had felt very similar physical discomfort about it.
Human bodies communicate all the time without even touching, through pheromones and brainwaves and the pulse of our heartbeats. I believe there is a level of physical connection that transcends space and time - it is physical, or metaphysical, on a level beyond what our current level of science really understands yet. I believe that the choices we make about our sexuality - even in what seems like the most private of circumstances - can inform the world around us in ways we are unaware of, and may attract or repel potential mates.
Sometimes people have casual sex while they are waiting for or looking for a more serious relationship. But I think doing so has a strong potential to push away partners who would be interested in something deeper. Sometimes people do that because they are scared of having a deeper relationship.
Personally I would never want to be with someone who was into casual sex, unless it was in the long distant and buried past. It is a real turn off and it doesn't bode well for a monogamous relationship. And it's just gross.
At one point, very unexpectedly, I began falling for a guy I worked with. I told my long-distance SO about it immediately because I did not want to go behind his back. He was understandably very upset and angry. I put a stop to this other relationship very quickly, and it was never consummated, but the damage was already done.
Not long after that, one evening I was overcome with a sick, panicky dread. I didn't know what was wrong, but I felt very physically uncomfortable, almost ill, and very, I mean extremely emotionally distraught, and couldn't even make sense out of why I felt that way. I tried to call my SO and spoke with a family member who told me he was not at home.
The next day or so he confessed to me he had wanted to even the score, and had sex with a woman he barely knew and didn't care about. He had heard about my phone call and how distraught I was, and he was very sorry about it. He had figured out that although I didn't know what he was up to, I had picked up on it physically and it had affected me very negatively. He didn't enjoy it either, he said it felt empty and was not pleasant at all. We compared notes on how we both felt, and oddly enough we had felt very similar physical discomfort about it.
Human bodies communicate all the time without even touching, through pheromones and brainwaves and the pulse of our heartbeats. I believe there is a level of physical connection that transcends space and time - it is physical, or metaphysical, on a level beyond what our current level of science really understands yet. I believe that the choices we make about our sexuality - even in what seems like the most private of circumstances - can inform the world around us in ways we are unaware of, and may attract or repel potential mates.
Sometimes people have casual sex while they are waiting for or looking for a more serious relationship. But I think doing so has a strong potential to push away partners who would be interested in something deeper. Sometimes people do that because they are scared of having a deeper relationship.
Personally I would never want to be with someone who was into casual sex, unless it was in the long distant and buried past. It is a real turn off and it doesn't bode well for a monogamous relationship. And it's just gross.
Honestly, if all you did was fall for a guy and you also told your bf immediately without doing anything bad, your bf really exaggerated. He kinda acted like a jerk.
And what does it mean that you put a stop to that other relationship? You mean your friendship with that guy or what?
Most people want to be in a relationship but not everyone is, or is in one all the time. The second concern that arises is, why and how do relationships end? Do people enter into relationships thinking "how long will this last, how will it end, and what will I do then?". In an ideal world, everyone would enter into a life-long relationship soon after reaching sexual maturity with no regrets ever.
In point of fact, many people who would prefer to be in a relationship are not, but they still have a desire if not an actual need for physical i.e. sexual intimacy with another human being to whom they feel attracted. The only way to satisfy that, short of a bona fide relationship, is casual sex.
I would not criticize anyone for having casual sex, but a genuinely casual sexual encounter can be difficult to achieve. It would be better for all concerned if there was some sort of social convention for unattached people to arrange casual sexual encounters, either one-time or on a regular basis (as in FWB situations) while limiting the risk of getting hurt.
I have only experienced a couple of genuinely casual sexual encounters and these are actually some of my fondest memories. For me, having good casual sex is an enjoyable counterpoint to being a a good relationship (although not concurrently). But in reality, what usually happens is that one person feels less casual about the situation than the other, and things go bad. When I was 23, a girl propositioned me for what I understood later was to be a purely casual hook-up because she had recently broken up with her boyfriend, I was hitting on her, and she probably thought I was someone she could easily dump. In fact, I found out later that she didn't even like me at the time, but later on she became obsessed with me and fearful of losing me. Knowing what I know now, I could probably have taken better advantage of the situation while avoiding hurting her as well, but such things usually happen when we are too young and unsophisticated to not be overwhelmed by the situation.
So, casual sex - yes, at least in principle.