In what way does Asperger's Syndrome impact dating?

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bruinsy33
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31 May 2012, 1:31 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:
I have to agree with Valentine except I hate surprises.

Dating is difficult for me because many women make their initial judgement based on the same criteria they want to hang men for (looks, confidence, etc).

So all they see is a shy guy who might be a little aloof.

Now very few people who get to know me think badly of me, they just think I'm a good person with a few quirks.

The challenge is getting women to take a chance to get to know me to get to see the good part that will come out.

I also must beg to differ on the whole "friends" thing. I have never converted a friendship to a relationship. In my experience, women designate you as either "friend" or "dateable" and it's all but impossible (for me at least) to cross the line.
Very true.I am also very well liked at my job as the people at work have spent more time with me .I am definitely considered eccentric but when meeting someone initially or if I was at a bar I come across as ''a shy guy who might be a little aloof''.That's why my focus is primarily on women who I work with .I just don't have the emotional/social skill set to pull off a cold approach at a bar .



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31 May 2012, 1:48 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:

I also must beg to differ on the whole "friends" thing. I have never converted a friendship to a relationship. In my experience, women designate you as either "friend" or "dateable" and it's all but impossible (for me at least) to cross the line.


It's hard for me to answer personally, because I don't relate to people as friends at all, and don't have any, online acquaintances aside.
Either I'm romantically-attracted to someone (male, with very specific qualities), or I feel nothing for them.

But it would seem relationships developing from friendships, in the workplace, at school, etc, between people who have known each other is quite common.

There's even a scientific principle about it, saying, essentially, we become attracted to those we spend lots of time with.
Why not? Evolutionarily, it would make sense because we've established these people as being in some way stable in a way we haven't with strangers.


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31 May 2012, 2:54 pm

For me, it causes really bad anxiety. I usually don't know what to say or how to keep the conversation going.



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31 May 2012, 4:45 pm

I think aspergers greatly hinders dating for a number of reasons. Most of us lack the basic social skills needed to make friends alone. Getting a date is ten times harder then getting a friend and dating requires much more social skills that we simply don't have. Most of us aren't adapted for dating, especially males. Many of us have such a difficult time initiating social contact that for dating, we are going to have to be the one's that are expected to initiate almost everything and that can spell a disaster for dating when we have no idea when we are suppose to be doing. Do too much and we seem to be creepy and do too little and we'd give them the impression we have no interest.


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31 May 2012, 5:01 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
thewhitrbbit wrote:

I also must beg to differ on the whole "friends" thing. I have never converted a friendship to a relationship. In my experience, women designate you as either "friend" or "dateable" and it's all but impossible (for me at least) to cross the line.


It's hard for me to answer personally, because I don't relate to people as friends at all, and don't have any, online acquaintances aside.
Either I'm romantically-attracted to someone (male, with very specific qualities), or I feel nothing for them.

But it would seem relationships developing from friendships, in the workplace, at school, etc, between people who have known each other is quite common.

There's even a scientific principle about it, saying, essentially, we become attracted to those we spend lots of time with.
Why not? Evolutionarily, it would make sense because we've established these people as being in some way stable in a way we haven't with strangers.


Exactly. My current situation with a girl is purely because of work-built relationships. Things have now gone sour and it's difficult - I had a panic attack on Tuesday because of her boyfriend sending me a nasty text.

For me, it's the lack of knowledge, let alone experience that is most difficult. It's like speaking a foreign language without any teaching. Basically dating and relationships 101 was never hardwired through puberty, so you're basically starting from - I like a girl - what do I do now? It's that difficult.



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31 May 2012, 5:12 pm

I wonder if males with asperger's have a harder time with the dating rituals, since they are expected to break the ice. It's nice being a female aspie and having males approach you instead... I don't think I'd be able to stand the rejection. I am very sensitive to criticism.

Mind you, I am in a very happy long-term relationship, and I met him at work, then asked him out after developing somewhat of a friendship. So I did not follow dating conventions.



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31 May 2012, 5:15 pm

Homer_Bob wrote:
I think aspergers greatly hinders dating for a number of reasons. Most of us lack the basic social skills needed to make friends alone. Getting a date is ten times harder then getting a friend and dating requires much more social skills that we simply don't have. Most of us aren't adapted for dating, especially males. Many of us have such a difficult time initiating social contact that for dating, we are going to have to be the one's that are expected to initiate almost everything and that can spell a disaster for dating when we have no idea when we are suppose to be doing. Do too much and we seem to be creepy and do too little and we'd give them the impression we have no interest.


I know. It can seem like we're damned if we do, damned if we don't. I have trouble even making friends too, let alone a girlfriend. The latter is like the ultimate test of social skills, a set of skills I just don't have. I just can't think of anything to say to them.

Aspergers doesn't necessarily mean one will never find anybody, but god, it makes things a lot harder than it already is.



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31 May 2012, 6:19 pm

Don't bother.


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31 May 2012, 6:20 pm

Scatmaster wrote:
I wonder if males with asperger's have a harder time with the dating rituals, since they are expected to break the ice. It's nice being a female aspie and having males approach you instead... I don't think I'd be able to stand the rejection. I am very sensitive to criticism.



Yup. It's very unfair. I can't imagine having the impetus on me to approach or do the asking out. I'm way too fragile to deal.


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31 May 2012, 6:30 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
thewhitrbbit wrote:

I also must beg to differ on the whole "friends" thing. I have never converted a friendship to a relationship. In my experience, women designate you as either "friend" or "dateable" and it's all but impossible (for me at least) to cross the line.


It's hard for me to answer personally, because I don't relate to people as friends at all, and don't have any, online acquaintances aside.
Either I'm romantically-attracted to someone (male, with very specific qualities), or I feel nothing for them.

But it would seem relationships developing from friendships, in the workplace, at school, etc, between people who have known each other is quite common.

There's even a scientific principle about it, saying, essentially, we become attracted to those we spend lots of time with.Why not? Evolutionarily, it would make sense because we've established these people as being in some way stable in a way we haven't with strangers.



That's a good point I did suggest settling and why not (but I was rebuked)



What do you women want most of you are never going to find love anyway if you "settle" with some one that cooks you dinner, doesn't beat you up and keeps the toilet seat * down what more could you possibly want ?

If you find such a man your doing better than 90%+ of women in relationships.

Don't you just love factoids?

*friend of my Mom has found such a man he even pees sitting down, the indignity of it, which is funny Judge Grady on GTA 4 mocks such a man "do you pee sitting down " , the indgnity of relationships :roll:

I have more self respect than that .


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Last edited by aussiebloke on 31 May 2012, 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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31 May 2012, 6:32 pm

aussiebloke wrote:
What do you women want most of you are never going to find love anyway if you "settle" with some one that cooks you dinner, doesn't beat you up and keeps the toilet seat * down what more could you possibly want ?

If you find such a man your doing better than 90%+ of women in relationships.

Don't you just love factoids?


I do. Did you have some for us?


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They talk and vote as they are directed by Some Man of Property, who has attached their Minds
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31 May 2012, 6:35 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
aussiebloke wrote:
What do you women want most of you are never going to find love anyway if you "settle" with some one that cooks you dinner, doesn't beat you up and keeps the toilet seat * down what more could you possibly want ?

If you find such a man your doing better than 90%+ of women in relationships.

Don't you just love factoids?


I do. Did you have some for us?


So I'm right 8O


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ValentineWiggin
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31 May 2012, 6:40 pm

aussiebloke wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
aussiebloke wrote:
What do you women want most of you are never going to find love anyway if you "settle" with some one that cooks you dinner, doesn't beat you up and keeps the toilet seat * down what more could you possibly want ?

If you find such a man your doing better than 90%+ of women in relationships.

Don't you just love factoids?


I do. Did you have some for us?


So I'm right 8O


Are you? You seem to have a dismal view of men.


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of the human Heart, that very few Men, who have no Property, have any Judgment of their own.
They talk and vote as they are directed by Some Man of Property, who has attached their Minds
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31 May 2012, 6:46 pm

Started dating when I was in the first grade. I have had no problem getting dates. I don't let having AS bother me. It's just something I was born with.



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31 May 2012, 6:47 pm

ValentineWiggin wrote:
aussiebloke wrote:
ValentineWiggin wrote:
aussiebloke wrote:
What do you women want most of you are never going to find love anyway if you "settle" with some one that cooks you dinner, doesn't beat you up and keeps the toilet seat * down what more could you possibly want ?

If you find such a man your doing better than 90%+ of women in relationships.

Don't you just love factoids?


I do. Did you have some for us?


So I'm right 8O


Are you? You seem to have a dismal view of men.


And women to.


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31 May 2012, 7:17 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:
I have to agree with Valentine except I hate surprises.

Dating is difficult for me because many women make their initial judgement based on the same criteria they want to hang men for (looks, confidence, etc).

So all they see is a shy guy who might be a little aloof.

Now very few people who get to know me think badly of me, they just think I'm a good person with a few quirks.

The challenge is getting women to take a chance to get to know me to get to see the good part that will come out.

I also must beg to differ on the whole "friends" thing. I have never converted a friendship to a relationship. In my experience, women designate you as either "friend" or "dateable" and it's all but impossible (for me at least) to cross the line.


I agree with your post. I'm pretty much the same. I doubt most people think I'm a bad person, just a good one, but shy, with some quirks. Many won't take the time to look through those quirks and see the person underneath.

I've also never been able to convert a friendship into a relationship. Now, I don't try to, or want to, have a relationship with every girl I befriend, but yes, there have been times when I care about someone enough to wish to go for more. But you're right. Women have a friendship category and a dateable one. Once you're in her friend zone, it's all but impossible to break out. Eventually, they see you as a big brother, and think it would be weird to date you.

Someone once suggested I got together with a close female friend of mine, and both of us looked at each other and went 'ewww'. We were brother and sister, essentially, not lovers.

It's just a shame it's so hard to even break through the first hurdle (the shyness barrier, and getting her to see the real you)