Feelings for an ex...

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I have been single since January 7th...

I did what I usually do when my heart is broken; I kept myself occupied with school, friends, family and the gym... But this time it was a bit different...

Usually after a month and a lot of talks I can forget my feelings and move on... I always try to keep a friendship with my exes seeing that I still care about them and don't see a reason to let something that good just go...

We'll call my latest ex for M...

M left me because his feelings were not there anymore... He still cares for me but he was certain that he could never love me in the same way that I loved him... And that's fair... You can't force feelings... We still have contact (saw him today actually) and there is nothing awkward between us...

Here is my problem... I still love him like I did before he broke up with me... Every time I see him my heart jumps and I get butterflies in my stomach... I still see him as the perfect guy for me even with his flaws... Because of course there were flaws about him... But I loved him anyway... It all felt natural with him; the talks, the company, the sex... Everything... He even told me more then once that this was the most natural and safe relationship he has ever had... And on the day he broke up he actually said that I was his dream girl in every way possible... He was as much confused as I was about his feelings... I was everything he has ever wanted in a girl...

What should I do?

I know some of you will advice me to cut him from my life but I can't... I've actually tried this but I crumpled after a week with no contact at all... He knows me better then most people and I don't have to explain some of my "irrational" reactions because he knows what it means to have AS... He is an NT himself but he has worked with kids with autism and knows a bit more about it then most NTs...

I told him today that I still miss him and that I'm having a hard time coping with life without him... The build-up to this was actually pointing in the opposite direction (that I've moved on and found another guy) so the first thing he said was that he was relieved... How am I supposed to interpret this? He said multiple times that he doesn't want to talk about all this and until now I've respected that and only let him know when it all got to hard to handle...

Any advice is welcome... I'm just trying to cope with the fact that he'll never be mine again and I'm currently using most of my energy on this... And that is not a good thing...

The first step is wanting to move on.

You can emotionally move on without cutting them out. Simply cram your life to the brim with other stuff. It doesn't sound like he's made it very easy for you, as I can see it what he said has made you think there might still be a chance.

Acceptance is the first step to healing.

You were the most 'natural safe' relationship he was ever in?

Reading between the lines here but sounds like the ex BF was getting bored? Or is English your second language and he actually said and meant something else and it got lost in translation?

It does not sound like you are the least bit over him, so I recommend actively avoiding him until you clear your heart and mind.

And he sounds like he is playing head games with you, because he said he was relieved you weren't over him? And then the conversation ended? He missed his next lines, such as, I was a fool for breaking up with you, please lets get back together. Please, please, please.

No he didn't say that or you wouldn't be posting here.

You could directly ask him, what did you mean by that? Do you want to get back together? Put him on the spot, if he keeps making cryptic remarks with no follow up. Then he is merely trifling with you and I guess there is part of him that likes the idea that you are still moping over him. But he isn't really going to get back together with you.

In fact he does not sound worthy of your love!

Liberate yourself from this messy situation and move on. It may take longer than previous break ups but he sounds like bad news because he is acting like he is ambivalent and that is bad for you.

You don't want cryptic remarks, you want him back, which so far doesn't seem to be happening. Don't torture yourself, make a clean break.

Center yourself, get your energy back and go find someone who truly reciprocates your love. Not easy right now but it will get easier....

Maybe he is depressed?

Sort of sounding like he is clinically depressed and that is why he broke up with you?

Just wondering.

Good luck. Sounds very difficult.

He sounds like he likes you a lot but he's not ready for the level of relationship that you are. You're probably too far ahead for him. Rather than stringing you along as a backup he's done the fair thing and ended it.

It's a noble sentiment to want to keep the friendship aspect of the relationship as it's just silly to chop an apple tree down because of one rotten apple.

However, for some people, it's impossible to be their friend after a break-up. Whether it be your own feelings (such as not moving on) or theirs.

Just something to think about.

honestly, it doesn't sound like you have truly accepted that you can't be with him. if you could accept it then you wouldn't be having such an issue now. seems like you are going to keep hoping and keeping waiting for signs that he is willing to get back with you. there seems to be a lingering hope in your words.

what will probably help you is when he moves on and starts dating someone else, though it will hurt. most likely you will have some closure at that point. if he is spending a lot of time with you then he may not be looking for someone else yet, but try your best to be prepared for when that happens.

i don't think you can force yourself to get over him. either you will accept that it's over (now or later), or you won't... based on my personal experiences in real life and my observations both online and in real life, a person's ability to move on seems to be tied into a complicated mess of factors. like, it appears one factor is a person's inbuilt sense of fairness. also a person's tendency to be obsessive. plus a person's existing coping skills. add in a person's level of self-esteem. and the nature and quality of the relationship. and whether the reasons given for the breakup were satisfactory. etc. - many many things, with no easy recipe.

but... i sense that you don't really want to forget him because the sliver of hope is important for you to hold onto.


... i was confused about the buildup to him saying he was "relieved". were you telling him that you are planning on dating someone else or what exactly happened?

A month is actually a relatively short time to get a significant relationship entirely out of your system. I've had a handful of significant relationships, and in this past it's typically taken at least 6 months to start really and truly getting over a person. Sometimes less, sometimes more.

Just stick with it. Time and distraction are the two most potent antidotes to what you're feeling, but it takes patience. Good luck.