Lack of Affection

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My son is 8. For as long as I can remember he has never, EVER said he loves me without me saying it to him first (which I do several times a day). He has NEVER come up to me to hug or kiss me and when I give him a kiss he wipes it off and if I hug him his arms fall to his side and it looks like I'm hurting him. I didn't understand any of this before his dx and I used to get really upset with him. I feel badly now that I got so upset because I know why he is that way now. It still really hurts me because I love my children more than life itself and it's killing me. My daughter, 5, says I love you all the time and gives me hugs and kisses all the time. I treat them both the same with my affection and even though he doesn't show it I still give him the hugs and kisses.

He does do little things to show he loves me, like drawing hearts in the steam in the bathroom mirror and telling me it's for me. He also holds doors open for me and asks a hundred times a day if he can help me do something. He is the sweetest child in the world and could never hurt a fly.

I guess what I'm wondering is if my love is getting through to him? Even though he can't express his feelings, can he understand my feelings for him? Does he understand what it means when I tell him I love him? Does he understand that when my daughter hugs and kisses me and says I love you to me all the time that we all love him just as much?

Thanks!

Oh yeah!

I was -am- this way too. I think it's because of the invisible cage, exposure anxiety (I think Donna Williams wrote about this): some sort of fear or embarrasment of showing emotion by my own will. So if my mom makes me hug her, it's OK and I like it; but I wouldn't go up to her on my own.

Of course it could be a different reason for your son, but the important part is, he knows you love him.

I'm like that, I'm 24 and I dont think I've verbally said 'I love you' for years. I can't remember. I never hug my parents. The last time I did I moved 2000 miles away.

I hope you don't mind answering a couple of questions, too. Is it that you never feel the urge to tell them I love you, or that you don't understand the feeling of love? If they looked sad would you think to give them a hug to make them feel better? I hope my questions aren't offensive, I'm just trying to understand what makes my son tick so I can help him more. I worry that in the future he won't be able to get married or fall in love because how can he if he can't tell someone he loves them. Thanks a lot!

I was adopted at 5.My memory of my childhood was that my parents only said they loved me...right before I got into trouble for something.I have no memory of my parents initiating a hug or kiss.I never felt my parents loved or even liked me as a person.I wanted them to but I dont know if I really loved or liked them either.My mother recently told me that I was not an affectionate child but my biological family said at 2(before family broke up)I was very loving and cuddly.

I am female and 43,only recently DXed with Aspergers.Most of my life ,from 12 to 32,I was either in a relationship or "obsessed" with someone.I now question if my feelings were really "love" or simply another of my obsessions.After a 6 year break from relationships,I finally met someone I think I do truely love.We have been together 4 years,so I think it is "real".I think the success of this relationship has a lot to do with "growing up" and meeting someone else who has many AS traits and excepts me as I am.I never felt that from anyone before.We are very affectionate but also allow each other a lot of personal space and time for our hobbies.

For me, love DOES exist, I just dont feel the need to always say it. If I love someone, I just don't see the need to keep telling them, I guess.

I do FEEL love, which makes having been alone for 24 years kind of difficult in that respect, but I've learned to cope with that part. Ya, not the best thing you want to hear, in regards to your son, but he may have a better time then myself. We arent all complete loners. In fact, when I meet a girl like myself, its a bit easier, but they seem to be well hidden.

If someone looks sad, I'm best at asking why they are, but when it comes to hugging a person, I really just dont know how to initiate it. For all the years I've seen it happen, I just can't initiate it. Since I have to try and understand social rules, its like a test, and there are many contradicting things when it comes to socializing, very confusing things.

In regards to hugging, I must give off some form of repellent. Not like I want people hugging me all the time, but sometimes I'd like one but it just doesn't happen.

I enjoy 'Conversation Piece' by David Bowie as it seems to be written for us aspie types.. Kind of 'this is how it is, this is how we're viewed' type stuff

I'm SO torn right now, Krex, as I've been questioning my love. I've never had a relationship, never had more then a few dates, but I've liked some girls. I don't know if it were love or just something else. Is it the fact love is being returned? I don't know that feeling. I've concluded its either the return of love or "understanding" that I adore.

Nina, I wonder since your son has been diagnosed, are you familiar with social stories? They are an important tool for autistic children to learn about the world and its expectations.
I have used them for things ranging from eating at the table to dealing with annoying teachers. There are expensive software programs to make stories, there are books available on Amazon.com and you can create them yourself. One mom I know makes them out of photos (of her son). I create them with cartoons (of my son with relevant characters, objects).
You can create stories about hugging and affection and when it's appropriate.
You can talk about mom and dad hugging, petting an animal and asking for permission to touch.
You can come up with a code word for asking, we adopted the Teletubbies, "Big hug!" for it. Now we say, "big squeeze" which has more to do with deep tissue stimulation than affection.

I was not affectionate with my parents and I was criticized and punished for it. It just worsened and made me afraid of familial affection.

PS, I just want to add, that your son may or may not want to reciprocate physical affection. Perhaps after going over the social story and waiting to see (offering a hug but not forcing it), he may initiate or request hugs or some other kind of display of affection.

I think it is what you DO more than just what you SAY - anyone can say they love you even if it is just to be manipulative. But little ACTS of affection and kindness can SPEAK more. So it seems your son draws you hearts and does little things for you because he wants to is his way of saying he loves you. I agree social stories may be helpful and perhaps using some non-verbal communication about wanting a hug instead of asking for one. Like if he can relate you putting your arms out to giving you a hug or even some sign between you two that represents a hug.

I love my parents, but I don't feel the urge to tell them because I suppose they already know. And if I did want to hug them, I would feel aversion to doing so because they expect it from me (again, exposure anxiety).

I think that the heart thing on the fogged up window is sweet, and it's his way of saying he loves you. Yes, your son does love you, it's just expressed in a different way. For him, hugging to show love is probably what rubbing someone to show anger is to you. Okay, so that's an exagerration, but in either case, it just doesn't feel right.

As things are the way they are, his interpretation of showing affection is redirected in a different area, and as a result, it's not in an area you'd usually connect to as showing love (or not, I mean I don't know you that well), so one of you will have to adjust. Once again, as things are the way they are, it'd be a smarter move for you to adjust. This could be done by doing some arts and crafts stuff every weekend by making heart cards or drawing or something. If he has an obsession, try and tie it in with it. This is where you can get creative and it starts getting fun!

Could he have sensory issues that make physical contact uncomfortable for him? I know that for me kisses just feel wet and rather unpleasant. I'm not overly fond of hugs, either- that level of closeness makes me feel trapped. I do enjoy hugging my boyfriend, though.



I don't remember ever telling my parents that I loved them. At his age, I did. Now, I don't. I still like and respect them. I adore my boyfriend, and I have to remind myself to tell him that I love him. I forget that people need reassurance that I still care. Your son probably has the same issue.


Those are such sweet things to do! It sounds to me like your son does love you and is doing everything that he can to show that love.

I say if he's doing things like drawing hearts in the window for you, and opening doors for you, then he loves you. It's unnecessary to make him express this in a more traditional manner, like hugging, since he seems perfectly capable of expressing himself via other means.

Nina, by drawing a heart on the mirror, he IS saying he loves you, he is just not using the words "I love you."

Here is a link to the ASL sign for a hug. Perhaps you and your son could do this if he finds a hug intrusive right now. (I could not seem to link to the actual word so you would have to look up the word on the right.)

http://commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/aslweb/browser.htm