Getting the right mindset : The First step

Page 1 of 7 [ 109 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 7  Next

Wolfheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,971
Location: Kent, England

15 Mar 2012, 5:07 am

Getting the right mindset : The First step

I wanted to make a positive or encouraging thread for the guys and girls that feel negative or trapped in a negative cycle. I'm not going to tell you to go out and buy an expensive suit or approach a thousand girls in a day but I am going to share some of what I have learned to break through that social anxiety and negative thought process, hopefully someone else will take something away from it.

- Forget the past, live in the here and now. It does not matter if your upbringing wasn't pleasant or you regret not taking enough action at that high school party. You are the master of your destiny and the present is all you have to act on. Stop waiting for the right time, stop waiting for that special moment when everything will fall into place, there will never be a better time than now so give it everything you have today to improve yourself. Find value in that you are defining and improving yourself in this moment instead of dwelling on failures of the past or letting them define you, stop worrying about what is in the past and start focusing on the now.

- Break through your social anxiety, realize that rejection is something that everyone must face and learning from mistakes is the only way anyone ever learns anything, even the most successful people have to face rejection of some kind. Realize that you aren't being watched or judged by millions, think to yourself "Is anyone going to care in a thousand years whether you got rejected or that you didn't do everything completely perfect" Of course they won't, do you think people look at successful people in history and define them by their failures or errors? Of course not, they look at their greatest works. Live life to your own expectations, did society take your first step in life? Of course not so why let society define you now? Be your own person and find value in that.

- Make Realistic goals and take progressive steps, live each day as a progression. Instead of comparing yourself to exaggerated media expectations, realize what is best for you and set small goals that you can achieve. If a Bricklayer constantly compared his work to the wall of China, of course he would feel negative and undermined, stop setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and beating yourself up over them. Success isn't going to come by sitting around, complaining about circumstances or how something is unfair, you need to act now.

- Never consider failure, once you make a decision to change yourself, put everything you have into it. Do not think for a moment that you'll fall short of your desires, otherwise fear will creep in and weaken your passion severely. Fear is the greatest enemy of human potential, if you are going to make a positive change or approach someone, of course you are going to feel nervous if you dwell on past rejections or negative outcomes, let go of the outcome and let go of expectations.



MXH
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,057
Location: Here i stand and face the rain

15 Mar 2012, 5:25 am

It all sounds great, sadly its an optimistic dream. I cant speak for all but i know some will agree that theyve done something like this many times and all times and know theres something else they just cant overcome. No ammount of charisma and confidence will help someone who has nothing to say.



kojot
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 95

15 Mar 2012, 6:39 am

Wolfheart wrote:
Getting the right mindset : The First step

I wanted to make a positive or encouraging thread for the guys and girls that feel negative or trapped in a negative cycle. I'm not going to tell you to go out and buy an expensive suit or approach a thousand girls in a day but I am going to share some of what I have learned to break through that social anxiety and negative thought process, hopefully someone else will take something away from it.

- Forget the past, live in the here and now. It does not matter if your upbringing wasn't pleasant or you regret not taking enough action at that high school party. You are the master of your destiny and the present is all you have to act on. Stop waiting for the right time, stop waiting for that special moment when everything will fall into place, there will never be a better time than now so give it everything you have today to improve yourself. Find value in that you are defining and improving yourself in this moment instead of dwelling on failures of the past or letting them define you, stop worrying about what is in the past and start focusing on the now.

- Break through your social anxiety, realize that rejection is something that everyone must face and learning from mistakes is the only way anyone ever learns anything, even the most successful people have to face rejection of some kind. Realize that you aren't being watched or judged by millions, think to yourself "Is anyone going to care in a thousand years whether you got rejected or that you didn't do everything completely perfect" Of course they won't, do you think people look at successful people in history and define them by their failures or errors? Of course not, they look at their greatest works. Live life to your own expectations, did society take your first step in life? Of course not so why let society define you now? Be your own person and find value in that.

- Make Realistic goals and take progressive steps, live each day as a progression. Instead of comparing yourself to exaggerated media expectations, realize what is best for you and set small goals that you can achieve. If a Bricklayer constantly compared his work to the wall of China, of course he would feel negative and undermined, stop setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and beating yourself up over them. Success isn't going to come by sitting around, complaining about circumstances or how something is unfair, you need to act now.

- Never consider failure, once you make a decision to change yourself, put everything you have into it. Do not think for a moment that you'll fall short of your desires, otherwise fear will creep in and weaken your passion severely. Fear is the greatest enemy of human potential, if you are going to make a positive change or approach someone, of course you are going to feel nervous if you dwell on past rejections or negative outcomes, let go of the outcome and let go of expectations.


Thank you for reminding me this. Fear is the mind killer. Be courageous.

Also

- walk/run/mediate more, eat and sleep well, take care of your body needs, it is the best animal friend of yours :)



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,147

15 Mar 2012, 6:40 am

Yes it does sound great, as far as it goes, but I've made ivory-tower lists of wise attitudes like that before, and they never seem to do much good once I'm "in the field." Whart seems to happen is that the list is a theoretical exercise which sits in an isolated part of my brain, and when a real-life situation happens in which I should use one of my tips, I simply don't relate the situation to the list until it's too late. It's important to know exactly how to apply the principles to life itself, or they will just sit there as glittering paradigms.

I think in practice, it's like a management meeting in which the executives try to write a new set of rules for the next 5 years, all in one session.....they'd be better off making a few tentative, specific tweaks, monitoring the effects on the shop floor, and meeting again regularly to feed back the results into the executive machine, so the operation is constantly changing in small ways, and dynamically adjusting to the observed results.

It might be worth going through that list and identifying what real-life experiences have led you to those particular beliefs........if you can pinpoint the individual mistakes you think you've made, and "rehearse" the situation again with a response adjusted to the new paradigm, then you will at least be relating those fine words to your step-by-step behaviour, which gives your brain a chance to put the new learning into practice.

Even with that, I think it's quite difficult to make any quick or large breakthroughs. People are all different, and the same situation doesn't often repeat itself in quite the same way. Many of the small breakthroughs I've made have been unconscious.



Sharkgirl
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 335
Location: Under The Sea

15 Mar 2012, 6:52 am

The old saying fake it till you make it really works
as long as you perseverate over it
shouldn't be too hard for us
it just takes a very long time and a lot of perseverance in the field (not just in your head)

and the most important part celebrate each and every tiny step in the right direction
just do your best thats all you can expect


_________________
Never, Never, Never Give Up


AScomposer13413
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Feb 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,157
Location: Canada

15 Mar 2012, 9:54 am

I've just recently discovered the points you mentioned in my own personal life. Good to know it seems things are going on the right path! Thanks for the post!! :)



Wolfheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,971
Location: Kent, England

15 Mar 2012, 1:39 pm

MXH wrote:
No ammount of charisma and confidence will help someone who has nothing to say.


If that's the case, find something that you feel passionate towards and find someone else that also has the similar desire, that way you will have a mutual interest and it will make things easier to break the ice.

kojot wrote:
Thank you for reminding me this. Fear is the mind killer. Be courageous.

Also

- walk/run/mediate more, eat and sleep well, take care of your body needs, it is the best animal friend of yours Smile


I agree :) willpower and having faith in yourself is the strongest weapon against fear and negativity. Leading a healthy lifestyle and engaging in exercise can also help the body and be a motivating outlet for the mind.

ToughDiamond wrote:
It might be worth going through that list and identifying what real-life experiences have led you to those particular beliefs........if you can pinpoint the individual mistakes you think you've made, and "rehearse" the situation again with a response adjusted to the new paradigm, then you will at least be relating those fine words to your step-by-step behaviour, which gives your brain a chance to put the new learning into practice.


Excellent idea, making them applicable to real life situations is very important, identifying specific situations and using trial and error should help in this aspect. I agree, it's easy to put something into a theoretical plan but difficult when it comes to applying it practically in real life situations.

I also agree that social situations are constantly changing so you can't stick with one pre planned outcome or method of how a situation will go, learning to adapt to the situation step by step as it is constantly changing is very important.

Sharkgirl wrote:
it just takes a very long time and a lot of perseverance in the field (not just in your head)

and the most important part celebrate each and every tiny step in the right direction
just do your best thats all you can expect


Thanks for your reply, it takes a lot of effort, hard work and determination to overcome a negative mindset or core belief and conquer social anxiety or past events that might leave someone broken or disheartened. It certainly doesn't come overnight and it does take steps but every step in the right direction is a good step, no matter how big or small that step is.

AScomposer13413 wrote:
I've just recently discovered the points you mentioned in my own personal life. Good to know it seems things are going on the right path! Thanks for the post!! Smile


Glad to hear it, I hope you keep going up and up from where you are, thanks for the response :).



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,440
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

15 Mar 2012, 1:43 pm

I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


_________________
We won't go back.


Wolfheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,971
Location: Kent, England

15 Mar 2012, 1:52 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


That's a personal preference but don't you think that overall you would be happier if you shared your life with someone?



The-Raven
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Apr 2011
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 762

15 Mar 2012, 2:02 pm

Wolfheart wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


That's a personal preference but don't you think that overall you would be happier if you shared your life with someone?


I think NTs get a lot out of having a relationship as they really like company and being with people and interacting, they find it very soothing and energizing, for example lots of NTs Ive met relax by chatting on the phone (???) even after work!

However lots of aspies do not like company and interacting and find it draining and stressful, they dont like their things moved or someone interrupting their routine, so I think they get less benefit out of a relationship and sharing their life with someone.

I think remaining alone should be viewed as a valid life choice for a lot of aspies and accepted that it makes them happier over all than all the effort and struggle that goes into the maintenance of a relationship (which for a lot of aspies only benefit is sex 'on tap' anyway).

I think relationships make some people happy but by no means are they right for all people.



Wolfheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,971
Location: Kent, England

15 Mar 2012, 2:22 pm

The-Raven wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


That's a personal preference but don't you think that overall you would be happier if you shared your life with someone?


I think NTs get a lot out of having a relationship as they really like company and being with people and interacting, they find it very soothing and energizing, for example lots of NTs Ive met relax by chatting on the phone (???) even after work!

However lots of aspies do not like company and interacting and find it draining and stressful, they dont like their things moved or someone interrupting their routine, so I think they get less benefit out of a relationship and sharing their life with someone.

I think remaining alone should be viewed as a valid life choice for a lot of aspies and accepted that it makes them happier over all than all the effort and struggle that goes into the maintenance of a relationship (which for a lot of aspies only benefit is sex 'on tap' anyway).

I think relationships make some people happy but by no means are they right for all people.


I think just about everyone requires some form of validation when it comes to being valued as a loving or creative person, people need to find validation and value in themselves in some form or another, we also have the need to relate to others. I'm not saying a relationship is a requirement but I think under the right circumstances, a relationship can be very beneficial.

The differences you mentioned are only inconvieniences, they can be worked around with mutual understanding in a relationship, two people can lead a very fulfilling relationship and find social acceptance and love from having a partner. We just need to approach relationships differently from the way NT people do so that the relationship can cater to our specific needs and difficulties.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,440
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

15 Mar 2012, 2:27 pm

Wolfheart wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


That's a personal preference but don't you think that overall you would be happier if you shared your life with someone?


I have friends for that....besides I might even be asexual and most guys I run into aren't so its not likely I would find anyone who wants that sort of relationship anytime very soon.


_________________
We won't go back.


AScomposer13413
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Feb 2012
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,157
Location: Canada

15 Mar 2012, 3:20 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


That's a personal preference but don't you think that overall you would be happier if you shared your life with someone?


I have friends for that....besides I might even be asexual and most guys I run into aren't so its not likely I would find anyone who wants that sort of relationship anytime very soon.


I think it's important to establish the difference between not seeking a relationship and remaining alone as a life choice. To me, not seeking a relationship is temporary and only says you'll take a chance to recharge before going at it again, whereas the latter is almost swearing off relationships. Nothing wrong with either option, of course.



Wolfheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Feb 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,971
Location: Kent, England

15 Mar 2012, 3:26 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


That's a personal preference but don't you think that overall you would be happier if you shared your life with someone?


I have friends for that....besides I might even be asexual and most guys I run into aren't so its not likely I would find anyone who wants that sort of relationship anytime very soon.


I agree that's a personal preference and I can respect that but even without the sex, don't you ever want someone you can share your responsibilities, goals, dreams, burdens and struggles with?



ToadOfSteel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Sep 2007
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,157
Location: New Jersey

15 Mar 2012, 3:42 pm

How can other people handle rejection like nothing happened? If i get rejected I spend months trying to analyze where I went wrong. My problem-solving mind is great for technical things, but when there is no solution i get caught in a loop.



mds_02
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Sep 2011
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,077
Location: Los Angeles

15 Mar 2012, 3:53 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
How can other people handle rejection like nothing happened? If i get rejected I spend months trying to analyze where I went wrong. My problem-solving mind is great for technical things, but when there is no solution i get caught in a loop.


It stings, but it's about reminding yourself that you've not actually lost anything by being rejected. Realizing that, after being rejected, you are no worse off than if you hadn't tried in the first place. And, once you have had some successes, you realize that the positive feelings more than outweigh the negatives that come with failure. Which makes you more willing to take the risk more often.


_________________
If life's not beautiful without the pain, 
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again. 
Well as life gets longer, awful feels softer. 
And it feels pretty soft to me. 

Modest Mouse - The View