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Getting the right mindset : The First step

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Wolfheart
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22 Mar 2012, 10:16 am

edgewaters wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Wolfheart wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I think I'll just not look for a relationship...that seems a bit less stressful.


That's a personal preference but don't you think that overall you would be happier if you shared your life with someone?


I have friends for that....besides I might even be asexual and most guys I run into aren't so its not likely I would find anyone who wants that sort of relationship anytime very soon.


I agree that's a personal preference and I can respect that but even without the sex, don't you ever want someone you can share your responsibilities, goals, dreams, burdens and struggles with?


Those are all the things I hate about relationships ... what you're painting there is my vision of Hell, all that rotten stuff but no sex. I've been living with my gf 13 years and it works (for us, everyone's different) precisely because we avoid sharing all that stuff - it's all about just making a home together, we never talk about work or goals or any of that horrid stuff.


Each to their own preference, I suppose one person could take care of the financial responsibilities or both, It's really down to personal preference and trust I guess. It's good if you both enjoy the same job, for instance, marine biology as you could pursue it and share it as a mutual interest.



seoulgamer
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22 Mar 2012, 5:19 pm

Wolfheart, what would you regard as a healthy level of confidence?

I don't feel hugely confident or invincible or anything, but I do have a basic level of respect for myself and have ceased regarding myself as a problem to be fixed. On the other hand, I generally don't feel that comfortably without overt flirting, teasing and general "Alpha Male" style behaviour. I don't want to go back to my old submissive self, but at the same time I don't feel too comfortable being a stud either. What I'm saying is, when it comes to being "true to yourself", where do you draw the line between improving yourself and compromising yourself for other people?

But, I guess your opening post was talking more about the basic stumbling blocks that Aspies suffer from.


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Wolfheart
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23 Mar 2012, 5:52 am

seoulgamer wrote:
Wolfheart, what would you regard as a healthy level of confidence?

I don't feel hugely confident or invincible or anything, but I do have a basic level of respect for myself and have ceased regarding myself as a problem to be fixed. On the other hand, I generally don't feel that comfortably without overt flirting, teasing and general "Alpha Male" style behaviour. I don't want to go back to my old submissive self, but at the same time I don't feel too comfortable being a stud either. What I'm saying is, when it comes to being "true to yourself", where do you draw the line between improving yourself and compromising yourself for other people?

But, I guess your opening post was talking more about the basic stumbling blocks that Aspies suffer from.


It is difficult to say what a healthy level of confidence is, I suppose it's a matter of personal perspective, confidence is subjective, you set the bar for your own expectations. Sure, you might feel fearful or awkward making an approach or flirting but it doesn't mean you lack confidence, it means you are willing to show courage in the face of social anxiety and that is a confident trait.

If that's the case, find a partner that has a mutual understanding and acceptance of how you are, someone that likes you and doesn't require you to be emotionally responsive or supportive all of the time, someone that is willing to make a compromise for you.



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23 Mar 2012, 8:43 am

Thank you for this post, I needed it right now.


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Wolfheart
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23 Mar 2012, 12:37 pm

sunshower wrote:
Thank you for this post, I needed it right now.


Thanks for your reply, I'm glad it helped :).



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25 Mar 2012, 9:03 am

Maybe this is interesting for some of you. It does ring true for me on a lot of things.
I can feel great just meditating by myself on sunny day with no social interaction. In social situations though its much harder to stay that way, your ego can take you over so easily. It happens to me frequently in regards to women that i like. Which ends up with me ruining it. The only thing i can do is try to use this as an opportunity to grow as a person.





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNovswAl ... re=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANKKhMAR ... re=related



Last edited by TB on 25 Mar 2012, 11:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Wolfheart
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25 Mar 2012, 10:08 am

TB wrote:
Maybe this is interesting for some of you. It does ring true for me on a lot of things.
I can feel great just meditating by myself on sunny day with no social interaction. In social situations though its much harder to stay that way, your ego can take you over so easily. It happens to me frequently in regards to women. The only thing i can do is try to use this as an opportunity to grow as a person.





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNovswAl ... re=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANKKhMAR ... re=related


Interesting videos, thanks for the posting them!



WhiteWidow
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25 Mar 2012, 12:00 pm

There's a new book out on Free Will and how we don't have it. It's by Stephen Wright I think. So that would mean that something was pre determined or is currently being manipulated from within. My belief is it's either George Soros is the master of our Destiny (Skull and Bones group) or it's a pre-determined sigma of algorithms.



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25 Mar 2012, 4:41 pm

My first step is having a nice smile smelling good being dressed night showing that I am the alpha male with my group of friends and being confident but just cause im confident doesnt make me a jerk I do not fear rejection its not like rejection is the end of the world or anything it happens just dont let it get you down :wink:



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25 Mar 2012, 7:15 pm

Stay away from Nt's.


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25 Mar 2012, 7:27 pm

Unless you have the IQ of Bill Gates you well never make a success of your life just accept it and move on. Socially disabled people can never make it in a sociable world. The trick s not to care about success etc , I seriously question the aspiness of materially successful aspies do you ?

And if your in doubt about the " modern economy" ie produce nothing worthwhile have a look at all the useless service jobs that are around * that require you to be "outgoing" or a "team player" good god I wish we still had an industrial base , I think I might move to Germany.

*I need to look for one after 11 years on disability that's another thing we can thank NT's for, they have things they call "practical realities" I have to suffer the consequences of other peoples stupidity work related /dr stupidity going well in to the future. If I was an employer what would it matter that I was long term disabled through no fault of my own?


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25 Mar 2012, 11:37 pm

aussiebloke wrote:
Unless you have the IQ of Bill Gates you well never make a success of your life just accept it and move on. Socially disabled people can never make it in a sociable world. The trick s not to care about success etc , I seriously question the aspiness of materially successful aspies do you ?

And if your in doubt about the " modern economy" ie produce nothing worthwhile have a look at all the useless service jobs that are around * that require you to be "outgoing" or a "team player" good god I wish we still had an industrial base , I think I might move to Germany.

*I need to look for one after 11 years on disability that's another thing we can thank NT's for, they have things they call "practical realities" I have to suffer the consequences of other peoples stupidity work related /dr stupidity going well in to the future. If I was an employer what would it matter that I was long term disabled through no fault of my own?


Im doing pretty good for myself as a Youth Coucil leader at my church and as a young adults leader good and socializing to I aproach it like acting im just playing the part of some one good at talking to people that doesnt mean I dont struggle with social skills and the girl I like is NT she knows I like her and since I know that she likes me I dont really make advances towards her dont wana make her feel weird around me.



Wolfheart
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26 Mar 2012, 1:27 am

aussiebloke wrote:
Unless you have the IQ of Bill Gates you well never make a success of your life just accept it and move on.


Success is subjective as I was saying earlier, if you compare yourself to Bill Gates or Donald Trump in terms of money, of course you are going to feel poor. You need to set realistic goals for yourself and set goals that are personal to you, not to the expectations of society.



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26 Mar 2012, 1:16 pm

aussiebloke wrote:
Unless you have the IQ of Bill Gates you well never make a success of your life just accept it and move on. Socially disabled people can never make it in a sociable world. The trick s not to care about success etc , I seriously question the aspiness of materially successful aspies do you?


Codswallop, sirrah. Success is entirely possible - it just takes more effort. In fact, being an aspie can be a help as well as a hindrance - attention to detail, planning, obsessive hobbies and repetitive activity can all be very useful in certain aspects of work and business. And if we're aware of our difficulties, we can work around them - much more so than the NTs, sometimes. If you meet anyone who calls themselves a "people person", you can be assured they have no social finesse whatsoever.

It's true that one shouldn't care about other people's success. Your own success is very important, and those that don't succeed are usually either aiming too high or aiming so low that they aren't really trying.



Matt62
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26 Mar 2012, 2:15 pm

If it was not for my sexual/intimacy needs, I probably would be content to remain as I am now. However, I do have those..
So I still struggle to improve. At least rejection is not so world crushingly bad anymore. But what stings me actually is that my employment usually gets in my way. I never have good schedules for dating (what the heck is a Weekend off anyway??!), so it is harder to put the bit have learned into practice.

Sincerely,
Matthew



Wolfheart
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27 Mar 2012, 2:35 am

Matt62 wrote:
If it was not for my sexual/intimacy needs, I probably would be content to remain as I am now. However, I do have those..
So I still struggle to improve. At least rejection is not so world crushingly bad anymore. But what stings me actually is that my employment usually gets in my way. I never have good schedules for dating (what the heck is a Weekend off anyway??!), so it is harder to put the bit have learned into practice.

Sincerely,
Matthew


That sounds difficult, a clingy woman could definitely get in the way of your work schedule. My only advice to you on this would be to look for women that are career minded or have a busy schedule themselves, they probably won't mind you working long hours as much.