a story about asperger syndrome, need feedback

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felinesaresuperior
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09 Apr 2012, 2:12 pm

hi, everyone
i wrote a story about a sixteen year old girl with asperger syndrome, Gabriel, who struggles to fit in "normal" society in an intolerant Californian town called "Wired", while a macho NT teenage boy struggles to get along with a bunch of ETs he ran into. the ETs have blank faces and a zillion rules of behavoir which contradict each other.
i would appreciate any feedback and please tell me if you liked it. it's called, living among aliens.

We all have abilities we take for granted, like the ability to see and hear. When those abilities are taken away, the person will be left blind, or deaf. When those abilities are tampered with, the person will be hard of hearing, or with bad eyesight.
Imagine your ability to communicate snatched away by nature's invisible, all powerful hand. If one's communications skills are flickering on and off, like a lamp gone haywire, what will become of that person? And what will he or she be called?
Sixteen year old Gabriel was pondering this as she paced back and forth in the schoolyard, flipping her index and middle fingers together on both hands. The pacing soothed her and helped her concentrate. Unspoken words and ideas seemed to leap from her fingertips that used as a fan creating a sharp breeze behind her thoughts, urging them forward.
She walked the length of the backyard, a long, narrow strip of ground wedged between the two stories school building and the fence. That part of the yard was deserted, the way Gabriel liked it. It was overgrown with hip high grass and weeds that survived in the hot spring of Wired, a Californian city near the ocean.
The sounds of cars' horns and drivers' shouts and curses from the road that ran parallel to the school's fence, mingled with blasting music exploding from a parked car near the school's gate, were suddenly accompanied by approaching, determined footsteps and a shadow fell over the moss covered fence.
Gabriel whirled around to see her mother watching her, her lips almost disappearing in a thin line.
"Gabriel," she said in that edgy, boarding on hysteria voice that grated on her daughter's nerves. "I've been watching you from the window for the last five minutes and all you do is walk and do this with your fingers." She imitated Gabriel's brisk, monotone walk and jerked her hands in exaggerated, jerky movements. "You walk back and forth, back and forth, back and forth…"
She repeated the last words ten times, each word slamming against Gabriel's brain till she thought her head will explode like a simmering pot full of steam.
"Stop it!" Gabriel snapped. Her mother continued her chanting and imitation as if Gabriel's words were unheard, as if her will meant nothing and she was invisible.
Gabriel leapt forward and gripped her mother's elbow, digging her fingernails in her skin. She shook her arm and tried to speak, but was unable to organize her thoughts into words and what came out was a growl. She felt dizzy with anger and with the effort to voice her feelings. A hot flash washed over her face.
"Damn, Gabriel." Mrs. Shepherd pulled her arm out of her daughter's grip. "Calm down this minute and listen to me. Your classmates are sitting on the rocks near the palms in the front yard, talking and having fun like normal teenagers and I won't have you running around flapping your fingers." She did her imitation again.
Gabriel screamed wordlessly.
"Quiet." Her mother towered over her, leaning forward and shaking her finger – a gesture that made Gabriel clench her fists at her sides. "Go join your friends, Gabriel, now. Do it."
Gabriel knew if she refused her mother would get into a frenzy of talking; arguing, repeating the same words over and over again like a broken record, while stamping her foot and putting her hands on her hips to establish her dominating status over her offspring, the only person in the world she ever had power over.
Gabriel feared the red fog would take over her, that boiling rage she thought she had under control years ago, but then she hadn’t been provoked that far, hasn’t been pushed that close to the edge in a long time. She knew the best way to avoid a situation in which her self control would be tested was to do what her mother wanted. That would shut her up. It was the fastest way to get rid of her. Otherwise the taunting could go on for hours. Her mother never tired of fighting. She seemed to thrive on it.
Without a word, Gabriel turned and marched around the building, toward a bunch of kids who sat on flat rocks under baby palms not much taller than Gabriel, who was only five feet two.
Gabriel threw a look over her shoulder. Her mother stood near the fence, watching her through narrowed eyes with her hands folded across her chest. Gabriel sighed and dragged her feet closer to the bunch. There were five of them; Jason stood on a rock, pulling himself to his full height, all six feet two of him. Sally lay on her back with her hands under her head, one leg thrown over her knee, looking up at Jason, and Linda, Sheila and Liz sat leaning toward each other with their heads close together. They were whispering and giggling, their faces flushed and their eyes shining strangely.
They raised their heads and stared at Gabriel, their eyes expressionless and blank. Gabriel swallowed and wiped her hands on her jeans.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Sally leaned on her elbows and said, "Oh, hello, Gabriel. You want something?"
Gabriel mouthed the word 'No'. She meant to say it out loud but seemed to have lost her voice. She thought about saying the word out loud but decided against it for fear her voice might come out hoarse and creaking.
Silence fell again, suffocating silence. Gabriel wished she could find one person whom she could talk to on a one on one basis, but all around her kids hung out in groups, leaning on the water cooler and waving away the bees that buzzed and circled above it, or chasing each other with plastic bags full of water. A bunch of girls were chatting with the armed guard at the gate who kept throwing looks at hooded teens that sauntered down the sidewalk outside the fence. The girls fluttered their eyelashes and giggled constantly.
Yeah, it was hard to find just one kid unattached to a group. That was the result of the teachers encouraging the kids to be a part of a group, telling them to always surround themselves with others and to prefer a relationship within a large crowd instead of a more intimate one with a smaller group.
Gabriel figured she was stuck with those five. It was the smallest group she could find, anyway.
"Guess who I saw yesterday with a new bimbo on his arm?" Linda broke the silence. The kids turned in her direction so Gabriel found herself facing their profiles. Oh, dear, her mother wasn’t going to like that…
"Who?" The word came together in five voices.
"Why, my ex boyfriend, of course, Mark."
That piece of information was received with gasps. Sally sat bolt upright and covered her mouth with her hand. Glancing over her shoulder, Gabriel saw her mother gesturing for her to speak in nervous, jerky movements. Gabriel wrecked her brain for something to say but nothing came to mind.
"Why, that dirty little…" Sheila shook her head.
"Is he in the schoolyard?" Gabriel asked.
"Why you want to know?" Linda locked her eyes on hers. "What's it to you?"
"Just ignore her." Sally leapt to her feet. She looked Gabriel up and down slowly, in a calculated way. Her eyes traveled from the picture of a kitten playing with a gray ball of yarn printed on Gabriel's powder blue T-shirt to her light blue jeans. She snickered. Lifting her chin, she turned in one swift motion so she was facing Jason with her back to Gabriel.
"No more talking about worthless boys, or paying attention to nerds." She tilted her head sideways and smiled at Jason. "You're much more interesting than Mark, you know. I understand you have a busy day today."


_________________
Blogging about childhood and adulthood with Asperger and my own personl experience with rage attacks, shutdowns, social phobias etc. https://aspergerlifeblog.wordpress.com/


ProudCallipygian
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09 Apr 2012, 4:31 pm

Hello! I love the title alone, "Living Among Aliens"....it appeals to the inner scifi geek in me. I think you have a very unusual and different style of writing. It's straightforward and has a slight satirical edge. Its a very cool, refreshing style and you wear it well. Keep writing! Gabriel is a great character, she came alive in that excerpt.



ghostar
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09 Apr 2012, 4:42 pm

I really liked this excerpt too! Well done. :D