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AnOldHFA
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10 Apr 2012, 8:39 pm

This is a question mainly for older people.

It seems like every day I am haunted more by the past. Today's world is built on isolation. Maybe it is just the way I see it. When I was in my twenties I had friends, but being autistic makes it harder to meet people. Even worse is that I grew up in the military, mostly during peace time. It seems like the world slide off a cliff.

My dreams of the past cause me to wake in panic attacks. I love 70's and 80's music, but memories bring on strong panic attacks quickly. I can't watch any move made before 1990, as I loved old b&w movies, too.

My memory is good as I can remember almost every hour back to before I could crawl.

I would give anything to go back to any point before 1990, even for a few seconds. I would give anything to see an old friend. My friends, most of them, grew up in the military too. We all seem to move around a lot. I only know where one is. He lives over a thousand miles away..

It is more than just friends, but the time and life styles, too...

Is it normal for autistic to be haunted by the past?

I know there were books and movies made about people like this. Those stories were not about autistic and I wonder if it is just a curse of age.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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11 Apr 2012, 3:49 pm

I know you asked for older people, and I'm about the same age. I have had similar experiences.

I should tell you, in case it comes up later, I am largely a pacifist. I protested the first Gulf War in '90 and '91.

The last couple of years I have kind of gotten sucked into rewriting my past. For example, I have spent a lot of time rewriting my 10th grade schedule and what extracirriculars I should have done. I should have taken auto repair instead of chemistry because I really don't like the way they teach science. Could have learned it my way, run a semester ahead, and gone to medical school, studying infectious disease.

I've done experimenst jumping ahead to 1989 when I was age 26 and what I wished I would have done after breaking up with a female friend. And what I do, it's like a half page of notes. And then I leave it in a library book. I like being able to visual where it's at, and I like the idea that someone may read it, and I write it so it's nothing too personal.

I also jumped ahead to 1995 when I was managing a photocopy center at a university and kind of wished I was taking classes, too.

Interesting thing, I was in JROTC in 9th grade (1977-78 ) and 10th grade (1978-79). The major was there both years, a good man, I'm glad I got to know him. The sergeant, the first year we had three different sergeants, and the second guy was there only about six weeks. It must have been really different, being in the service where people generally do what you tell them to do, and then trying to supervise a bunch of high school kids. The third sergeant did stay the rest of that year and then my entire second year.

Could you do high school JROTC, or the reserves, or something similar?

Myself, I have contributed online regarding diarrhea, dehydration, and Oral Rehydration Solution (ORS), which is really a modern day miracle. I have basically just pulled information from WHO publications, and it's been pretty easy. I also consider going into paramedics at some point in the future.

Both of us seem interested in professions at least have to start in youth, but there might be ways.

(Now, one friend in high school, I spent a lot of time wondering what went wrong. Well, one thing, I was dealing with other issues, my father's violence, my mother's justification of it, my attempts to talk with my Dad and protect my Mom, my sister, and myself, and the fact that these conversations did not really work)



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11 Apr 2012, 4:38 pm

AnOldHFA wrote:
This is a question mainly for older people.

It seems like every day I am haunted more by the past. Today's world is built on isolation. Maybe it is just the way I see it. When I was in my twenties I had friends, but being autistic makes it harder to meet people. Even worse is that I grew up in the military, mostly during peace time. It seems like the world slide off a cliff.

My dreams of the past cause me to wake in panic attacks. I love 70's and 80's music, but memories bring on strong panic attacks quickly. I can't watch any move made before 1990, as I loved old b&w movies, too.

My memory is good as I can remember almost every hour back to before I could crawl.

I would give anything to go back to any point before 1990, even for a few seconds. I would give anything to see an old friend. My friends, most of them, grew up in the military too. We all seem to move around a lot. I only know where one is. He lives over a thousand miles away..

It is more than just friends, but the time and life styles, too...

Is it normal for autistic to be haunted by the past?

I know there were books and movies made about people like this. Those stories were not about autistic and I wonder if it is just a curse of age.


I think it's the same for autistics and NTs to look back on the past and regret that it is gone. There is something special about being young that you can't recapture. Everything is new and you have so much time ahead of you. Also, I think for some people who are a bit different and maybe don't have so much of a family they get more and more isolated as they get older. I only know one person nowadays really. I never did know more than a few but it was more than now. Like you I grew up in the military and loved black and white movies as a kid. It was almost an obsession, so that I'd watch one after the other on TV every day. Nowadays I rarely watch a film.



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12 Apr 2012, 4:21 am

I am always reliving things in my past. Certainly more than anyone else around me admits to.

I was told during my diagnostic process that this can be common for people with AS and can be more pronounced in those disposed to depressive thoughts.



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12 Apr 2012, 5:10 am

I'm also haunted by the past. Specific incidents suddenly appear in my head and I can have a physical reaction to the memory, e.g. a sharp intake of breath, letting out a groan or a muscle tension. These incidents are usually associated with some sort of trauma (or more likely a near miss) or embarrassment. I also have a strange reaction to things I see on TV, from around the time I was born, like music shows from the early 70s. I can feel almost weepy that that time is gone and I don't have any memories it. I don't feel like that about any other time in history, only 1973 or thereabouts. I've been like this for a long time, so I don't think it's age related (and I'm only 39, so not old really).


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Moridin8
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12 Apr 2012, 5:19 am

Mummy_of_Peanut wrote:
...Specific incidents suddenly appear in my head and I can have a physical reaction to the memory, e.g. a sharp intake of breath, letting out a groan or a muscle tension.)...


So glad it's not just me.... :/



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12 Apr 2012, 9:41 am

Mummy_of_Peanut wrote:
I'm also haunted by the past. Specific incidents suddenly appear in my head and I can have a physical reaction to the memory, e.g. a sharp intake of breath, letting out a groan or a muscle tension. These incidents are usually associated with some sort of trauma (or more likely a near miss) or embarrassment. I also have a strange reaction to things I see on TV, from around the time I was born, like music shows from the early 70s. I can feel almost weepy that that time is gone and I don't have any memories it. I don't feel like that about any other time in history, only 1973 or thereabouts. I've been like this for a long time, so I don't think it's age related (and I'm only 39, so not old really).

Second to Moridin8, I can relate to you pretty well... I wouldn't say it happens frequently with me, though.

I see you were also born in 1973, and you like music from around that time? Strange, sometimes I feel the same. I used to say it, even here on WP, I like music that's around the same age as I am...



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12 Apr 2012, 6:00 pm

I feel as though my psyche has been steadily declining since 1991. I'm haunted by memories of my social screw-ups, as well as my academic mistakes. I rarely forget the moments where others have been cruel to me - whenever I forgive someone they usually stab me in the back again, so forgiveness is illogical. My memories have created quite an agitation in me.



Mummy_of_Peanut
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13 Apr 2012, 5:27 am

OJani wrote:
Mummy_of_Peanut wrote:
I'm also haunted by the past. Specific incidents suddenly appear in my head and I can have a physical reaction to the memory, e.g. a sharp intake of breath, letting out a groan or a muscle tension. These incidents are usually associated with some sort of trauma (or more likely a near miss) or embarrassment. I also have a strange reaction to things I see on TV, from around the time I was born, like music shows from the early 70s. I can feel almost weepy that that time is gone and I don't have any memories it. I don't feel like that about any other time in history, only 1973 or thereabouts. I've been like this for a long time, so I don't think it's age related (and I'm only 39, so not old really).

Second to Moridin8, I can relate to you pretty well... I wouldn't say it happens frequently with me, though.

I see you were also born in 1973, and you like music from around that time? Strange, sometimes I feel the same. I used to say it, even here on WP, I like music that's around the same age as I am...
I like all sorts of music, from every era, but it seems to be the images from that time that have the effect. For example, I remember watching The Eagles at the BBC, from 1973, and being mournful that the time had gone. Those young faces, with their long hair and moustaches had a real impact. I do love the music too.


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Mummy_of_Peanut
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13 Apr 2012, 5:27 am

Moridin8 wrote:
Mummy_of_Peanut wrote:
...Specific incidents suddenly appear in my head and I can have a physical reaction to the memory, e.g. a sharp intake of breath, letting out a groan or a muscle tension.)...


So glad it's not just me.... :/
I'm glad it's not just me too.


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Cyonce
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13 Apr 2012, 6:00 am

I'm 41

I was definitely haunted by memories of the past for many years, especially when things were hard. Imagining going back into the past with the knowledge I have now was one of my favorite escapes for a good many years too.

We are definitely tend to be a lonely bunch. While there are definitely some who are fine with minimal interaction/connection, I think a great many here experience a lot of pain from isolation. Its not just a matter of being around other people either, some of my loneliest moments have been while I've been surrounded by other people.

The good news is that it has gotten easier. Its difficult to explain without going in to all the details but if you can find a way to start looking at what you *can* change, breaking down the big challenges into smaller ones if necessary, and doing them, it can make a world of difference.



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13 Apr 2012, 6:48 am

Hello AnOldHFA. It's interesting that you call this "haunted" by the past. I call it "chasing ghosts." There are many times in my past I would love to relive. I too liked the music and entertainment of the 1970s. It seemed like a magical time for me. I also have vivid images of the past. Opposite of you is that I often watch a lot of the old movies of the past. This June I am taking the family back to an amusement park we had visited several years ago. I love nostalgia. I like going places I last saw as a child. I am saddened when things from my past are torn down. One example was the old Coney Island Amusement Park I often visited as a child in Cincinnati, Ohio. When it closed in 1972 for the opening of Kings Island, much of the old park was demolished. However the park had since reopened with far fewer attractions, but still quite recognizable. I visited it again a few years ago and relived cherished moments there from many years ago. I stood next to a vacant expanse of grass and recalled where a line of anxious children (including myself) awaited a ride on the Teddy Bear roller coaster---my first roller coaster ride.

Many events I simply relive in my mind without visiting the place. I would love to once again go to my grandparents' old house on an early Sunday afternoon and smell the turnips, cornbread, ham, etc. cooking in the kitchen in preperation for my grandmother's large dinners. Afterwards I would sit in the living room with Dad and Grandpa watching ABC's Wide World of Sports while my mother and grandmother talked in the kitchen. Often times I would take hikes in the woods behind their house and explore the caves and ancient Hopewell Indian burial mounds on the property---that was magical.

On rare occasion I will get my first car out of the garage and take it on a nostalgic journey, realizing that only a thousand miles earlier on the odometer I was a teenager in the early 1980s ready to take that girl on a date Saturday night ( we have now been married over 20 years). The car (1977 Mustang) is a ghost of the past for me because it still looks like the day it was new. We would take the T-top out on warm summer days and take picnic lunches out to the various state parks in the region.

Something else I do is to chase "ghosts" of other events involving other people. For example, I visited the former psychiatric hospital where my cousin was kept from the time he was 16 until he was an old man---how tragic. He was a rainman type and would probably have been labelled autistic by today's standards (but not in the time he was placed there many many years ago). I have retraced the steps of important news events feeling the "ghosts" of the past haunting us today in memories.


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