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MilliesMum
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05 May 2012, 12:41 pm

Hello
I lurk about on here and only post rarely but I have a real problem that is breaking my heart at the moment

My 17 yo daughter was diagnosed about 2 years ago, after I spent a long time soul searching whether to seek a diagnosis.

In the last few months we have have had many ups and downs - she has been seeing a therapist, she has had a sexual relationship for the first time, and then split up from the boy at my strong advice because he was very manipulative. She has done some of her first major pre university exams and done exceptionally well. One of the other children in the family has moved out to live with their father, and my partner has moved home recently.

In the last few months we have had enourmous falling outs.... She has told me that she doesn't love me, that she doesn't know what love is and that she is despaerate to leave home. On the plus side she is getting on much better with one of her younger siblings.

Today there has been a dreadful argument and she left the house. I know that she is safe but she refuses to come home. In my upset and anger I told her that she would never be welcome here again....of course she has heard this and now does not hear anything else.... not my apology, not my explanation of how people feel when they are angry, nothing.

I fear she will never come home. and my heart is breaking

Do you have any advice for a stupidly outspoken parent?

Thank you



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05 May 2012, 12:48 pm

MilliesMum wrote:
Hello
I lurk about on here and only post rarely but I have a real problem that is breaking my heart at the moment

My 17 yo daughter was diagnosed about 2 years ago, after I spent a long time soul searching whether to seek a diagnosis.

In the last few months we have have had many ups and downs - she has been seeing a therapist, she has had a sexual relationship for the first time, and then split up from the boy at my strong advice because he was very manipulative. She has done some of her first major pre university exams and done exceptionally well. One of the other children in the family has moved out to live with their father, and my partner has moved home recently.

In the last few months we have had enourmous falling outs.... She has told me that she doesn't love me, that she doesn't know what love is and that she is despaerate to leave home. On the plus side she is getting on much better with one of her younger siblings.

Today there has been a dreadful argument and she left the house. I know that she is safe but she refuses to come home. In my upset and anger I told her that she would never be welcome here again....of course she has heard this and now does not hear anything else.... not my apology, not my explanation of how people feel when they are angry, nothing.

I fear she will never come home. and my heart is breaking

Do you have any advice for a stupidly outspoken parent?

Thank you


Well honestly she's probably really hurt you said that....I mean she might act like she doesn't care or whatever but she probably does. I mean she might just need a little time to cool off(well unless you had said you had no idea where she was, or if she's safe in which case Id advice finding her.) But yeah if you've apologized she should probably come around, though I would be careful of saying things like that, even though I know sometimes people say things they don't mean out of frustration....I know I have. But yeah I am just kind of basing this on my cousin since she used to leave home when she and her mom would argue but she always did come back and now shes 20 and still speaks to her mom.

so yeah maybe other posters will have some other ideas about it.


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05 May 2012, 2:30 pm

Hi MilliesMum - Wow, there has been a lot going on. If your daughter finds change difficult, she might be really struggling.

Your story sounded very familiar to me, I had similar problems with my Mum when I was in my teens (albeit when I was a bit younger than your daughter). First of all, the bit where she has said she doesn't love you. I know that when I am struggling sometimes I shut down completely and when that happens I don't feel love for my family, or my boyfriend. On an intellectual level I know that I do love them, but I just don't feel it. I understand all this now and experience tells me that my feelings will return when I can cope with them, but when I was younger these feelings (or lack of them) were really upsetting to me.

I also ran away from home repeatedly as a teen and my Mum did once say the same as you, in a moment of anger and frustration. I took her literally as I'm quite a literal person and I find it hard to understand that a person might say something that they didn't mean - perhaps your daughter is like that too. I understand her urge to live on her own, being able to completely regulate your environment is such a positive thing for an Aspie and it can be easier to do that where you are in charge, or at least more in charge than you are when you live in your parent's home.

The most important thing is that you know that your daughter is safe, this means you can take your time to rebuild your relationship. Perhaps you could write her a letter or an email? That way you are able to say what you want to say very concisely with less chance of saying something that you don't mean, or that can be misunderstood. She might be happier to meet you in a neutral place and have a proper talk through things. It might take some time, but I'm sure that you will be able to get things back on track.

I have a very good relationship with my Mum now, much better than I could have hoped for or imagined when I was in my teens. There is no reason that things will not work out the same for you and your daughter. Good luck!



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05 May 2012, 4:42 pm

In my limited experience as a parent, whenever I've done or said something that I regretted, admitting this to my kids helped repair the damage. I think that your daughter might need time to think things over, but if she knows that your door is always open even just to talk, (I hope that ) she'll reach out to you. Best of luck!



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05 May 2012, 8:05 pm

MilliesMum wrote:
In the last few months we have had enourmous falling outs.... She has told me that she doesn't love me, that she doesn't know what love is and that she is despaerate to leave home. On the plus side she is getting on much better with one of her younger siblings.

Today there has been a dreadful argument and she left the house. I know that she is safe but she refuses to come home. In my upset and anger I told her that she would never be welcome here again....of course she has heard this and now does not hear anything else.... not my apology, not my explanation of how people feel when they are angry, nothing.


It took me a while to understand when I was younger that I did not really "love" the same way other people did. Social hierarchy means absolutely nothing to me at all, and that includes the traditional idea of love. It doesn't mean that I don't love, it's just that I love in a different way and for different reasons.

But while I was figuring that out, I though that I didn't know what it was either, becuase I did not feel or show the typical expression of it.

I've come to the conclusion that for me to love somebody, it is totally about substance and actions (who the person is, not who the person should be to me). In order for me to do so, I must respect, admire and love them (and note the order there, that is the exact order it happens in). Without respecting or admiring someone I cannot love them. I can care about them, but I cannot love them. This applies to many of my parental figures.

This is probably why I love some of my mentors more than I did my guardians or family members. Just because I came from somebody else's loins, or they came from mine, does not mean I will love them unconditionally because of that. That idea that I should love them just because they are my parent or my child or my brother, is part of the social hierarchy. I care deeply about them sure, but it does not automatically equate love, love happens because of who they are as a person, not because they are related to me by blood.

She may not necessary love you in the traditional way just because you are her mother. She may care about you a lot, but that does not mean she respects, admires or loves you in the traditional unconditional sense like you would automatically expect from a daughter. I daresay that might be what is causing her confusion. If she cannot idenitfy and process the feelings and differences (it can be very hard to figure out) then that may cause her to say the things she is saying.

She probably needs the time away from home anyway. At her age she needs her own space more than anything else right now. Let her cool off first.

She probably did take you literally when you said that, I certainly would have. And I would have thought you meant it, just because you said it in anger doesn't necessary mean it isn't true from her point of view.

I left my guardians home a year younger than she did for much the same reasons. Provided you don't push or pressure her, she will come back in her own time once she has a chance to try to work things out. Let her know she is welcome but do not push or pressure (doing so may make her want to stay away for much longer).


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05 May 2012, 9:28 pm

I have four kids, one grown and three teens (18, 17, 15). They are all NT as is my husband and I have AS. One thing I can tell you about teenagers is that they love drama. At least in my experience they do. They thrive on it, it seems sometimes. You said you know where she is and that she's safe so you don't have to worry tonight. If she's with a friend they will both kind of get caught up in the drama and being mad at you, especially tonight, so just let them do their thing. I would call though and either tell her or leave a voice mail that you are very sorry you said that, you were angry and just saying things off the top of your head and that you didn't mean it. I'd ask her to call me tomorrow so we can talk and work it out. Then I'd tell her I love her and hang up. Even if you do that she will still be mad at you tonight and probably won't talk to you. Don't expect her to.

She probably has no intention of being gone forever. She may talk like it right now and may actually intend to right now but in the back of her mind she probably knows that she will come home with ya'll make up. If she's with a friend she has to stay angry at you for a little while to "save face". If she doesn't call by tomorrow night I'd call her back and tell her that you want to talk about it, and then see where it goes.

I'd give her a few days, especially since you know where she is, but she will probably have to come home by Sunday night if only to get her books and school stuff unless she took it with her. I really don't think she will be gone longer than a few days and very well may be back tomorrow.

That kind of thing happens from time to time, so don't beat yourself up over it.


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07 May 2012, 4:17 pm

Quote:
I would call though and either tell her or leave a voice mail that you are very sorry you said that, you were angry and just saying things off the top of your head and that you didn't mean it. I'd ask her to call me tomorrow so we can talk and work it out. Then I'd tell her I love her and hang up. Even if you do that she will still be mad at you tonight and probably won't talk to you. Don't expect her to.


I agree with Olive Oil Mom. Do you and your daughter text at all? That has been the best way for me to communicate with both NT and ASD teens. I often just send a short "I miss you" and a :heart: to my daughter when I'm away from her, and that might work too.

Hope she is back home soon!
J.



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13 May 2012, 10:49 pm

I hope that your daughter's doing okay and she comes home very soon.


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13 May 2012, 11:08 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
I have four kids, one grown and three teens (18, 17, 15). They are all NT as is my husband and I have AS. One thing I can tell you about teenagers is that they love drama. At least in my experience they do. They thrive on it, it seems sometimes. You said you know where she is and that she's safe so you don't have to worry tonight. If she's with a friend they will both kind of get caught up in the drama and being mad at you, especially tonight, so just let them do their thing. I would call though and either tell her or leave a voice mail that you are very sorry you said that, you were angry and just saying things off the top of your head and that you didn't mean it. I'd ask her to call me tomorrow so we can talk and work it out. Then I'd tell her I love her and hang up. Even if you do that she will still be mad at you tonight and probably won't talk to you. Don't expect her to.

She probably has no intention of being gone forever. She may talk like it right now and may actually intend to right now but in the back of her mind she probably knows that she will come home with ya'll make up. If she's with a friend she has to stay angry at you for a little while to "save face". If she doesn't call by tomorrow night I'd call her back and tell her that you want to talk about it, and then see where it goes.

I'd give her a few days, especially since you know where she is, but she will probably have to come home by Sunday night if only to get her books and school stuff unless she took it with her. I really don't think she will be gone longer than a few days and very well may be back tomorrow.

That kind of thing happens from time to time, so don't beat yourself up over it.


Yeah, that sounds a lot like me when I was a teenaged girl. When we lived in town, the neighbors actually used to make popcorn and sit out on their porch and listen to me and Daddy fight. Not kidding.

Only I came home sooner (Daddy believed in sitting in the rocking chair and making up; he hummed really nicely and gave excellent hugs). Of course, on the down side, no one knew where I was when I disappeared. I didn't have any friends, so I holed up in the woods. I stashed food and drinks and clothes in all kinds of places, so I had to cool off or get bug-eaten or bored before I'd come home (as opposed to hungry or thirsty).

If she's like me, she's got very little emotional control and no idea of when to quit. It's going to be a b***h of a road from here to about 25. But it will probably turn out OK if you don't give up, don't refuse to admit your own mistakes, and don't try to force her to change.

You're not a bad mom for blowing up. People blow up. Teenage girls are really good at pushing buttons. Autistic teenage girls are double the fun. I know this because I was an autistic teenage girl,and I look back and cringe at the thought of raising me.

I can count the number of times Daddy hit me on my fingers. At the time, I thought he was a dick because he yelled a lot. Somewhere in my mid-20s I started looking back and realizing that, actually, he was practically a saint.

Actually better than a saint-- an Aspie. He had a horrible temper and weak emotional control and no idea of when to quit, too. He also cared about being fair and intuitively understood how my brain worked, because it was a lot like his only younger and female.

We were lucky. It was just him and me and we understood each other-- and we STILL got into epic arguments. No, not arguments. FIGHTS.

I'm glad you had the balls to apologize. That's all you need to do right now. "I'm sorry I acted like a jackass. That was a really stupid thing to say. I love you and I'd like you to come home."

She will. Later on, she might even listen to an explanation (actually listen, as opposed to sit there with her mouth open and her ears shut).

Oh-- and, remember this experience, and what you learn from it, and give me advice in about three to five years. My oldest is 10. I can hardly wait. :bom: :pale: :scratch: :shaking: :huh: :help: :wall:


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18 May 2012, 4:19 pm

MilliesMum wrote:
Hello
I lurk about on here and only post rarely but I have a real problem that is breaking my heart at the moment

My 17 yo daughter was diagnosed about 2 years ago, after I spent a long time soul searching whether to seek a diagnosis.

In the last few months we have have had many ups and downs - she has been seeing a therapist, she has had a sexual relationship for the first time, and then split up from the boy at my strong advice because he was very manipulative. She has done some of her first major pre university exams and done exceptionally well. One of the other children in the family has moved out to live with their father, and my partner has moved home recently.

In the last few months we have had enourmous falling outs.... She has told me that she doesn't love me, that she doesn't know what love is and that she is despaerate to leave home. On the plus side she is getting on much better with one of her younger siblings.

Today there has been a dreadful argument and she left the house. I know that she is safe but she refuses to come home. In my upset and anger I told her that she would never be welcome here again....of course she has heard this and now does not hear anything else.... not my apology, not my explanation of how people feel when they are angry, nothing.

I fear she will never come home. and my heart is breaking

Do you have any advice for a stupidly outspoken parent?

Thank you


In other words she is acting like a normal teenager. She will likely come home eventually if she has no place else to stay but she is a 17 year old who has made it clear that she wants her independence and to live on her own and I don't think you should actively inhibit her from that as long as she isn't making bad choices. Many children with AS who become adult children with AS never want to leave home and it becomes a problem, so I would simply proceed to facilitate her independence in much the same way you would for an NT child.

One of my siblings left home when they were 17 and has lived independently since.



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21 May 2012, 8:37 am

Why in the world did you say that she'd never be welcome in your house again? Basically, she told her not to come back. Even though you apologized for saying that, she may feel that you still in essence mean just that. Maybe that's why there was so much fighting.
Do you feel that sub-consciously you want her to finally go out on her own but you're just afraid she'll get messed up somewhere else. You'd like her to leave the nest but fear for her at the same time? I personally feel that you and daughter should see a family therapist together.
Kids are considered adults at 18. She's eager to get there but is lacking in survival skills. Like any other mother, you know you must let her go but at what price?? I have a feeling that she resents that you made her break up with that manipulator. She probably liked the sex and is confused that she had to give up what made her feel good. Aspie's can't understand that someone can make their's bodies feel good and tell them things that make their minds feel good but actually don't really care for them or love them. He has the capacity to ruin your daughter's future. It is VERY hard for aspies and even NT's to see our parental views.
Can she just maintain a laser focus on her studies until she graduates from college and can find employment? Guys will only screw up her education. You can tell her that even though she doesn't love you that you still love her and always will. You can tell her that even though she doesn't know what love is, you do know what it is and that you love her. Convince her that life will be better with a degree. She has to focus on that goal and that goal alone. If it were up to your daughter, she'd put that damned guy before her education and wreck her life. She still might be seeing him on the sly. Is that why there is so much fighting? Why is her relationship with the younger sibling better? What has changed? Is the younger one harbouring a secret? Could it be that she wants to see that boy out in the open and can't because you dislike him. I'm sure you dislike him for a very solid reason. She probably can't tell that he is simply no good. She only feels her side of the story. I think "he" is the possible problem here. Aspies often think that if they love someone, thus that person surely must be good. Finally something that makes them think that they are as good as everybody else must be given up! Aspies have to go through a lot to clearly understand. It's sad. Aspie lives get much better as they get older. A degree can take care of her. It won't make her happy but at least she won't be have to endure the stench of poverty on top of having a disability. Money and education make a lot of things easier. One more thing, does she resent your partner? If she is that desparate to leave home, she must understand that she has to do well in college and get it done already. Four years can fly! Once she is done, give her your blessing to leave and she can go attack life indepently but with a good weapon - a college degree!! !! How does dorm life appeal to her?? That's moderate independence. I don't know what your financial situation is but she needs some sort of training to be employable. That has to come first before anybody moves out.