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dyingofpoetry
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19 May 2012, 11:39 pm

I already belong to a Facebook group for GLBT autistics and Aspergians, but my boyfriend tends to respect opinions outside of FB a bit more, so I have come back to WP with this: My NT boyfriend and I have been together for over eight months and moved in together last momth. I came out to him about my Asperger's right at the beginning (being a failrly well-known advocate on the local scene, most people already know anyway), but as has been the case with a couple of previous relationships, he didn't fully realize the problems that would arise because I come across as pretty darned neurotypical at first, but the AS traits become much more obvious with time.

Although I have tried to explain how we can make life easier for each other, I am not the best at talking about my situation objectively. So, I have turned to you, fellow WP members, to post some suggestions and advice for him, me, and us.... What are some things he needs to know and what can I do to keep our relationship successful.

P.S. I realize there are probably a million similar posts about this already on this site, but this is just for us, and I will print the responses so that my boyfiened and I can talk abut them.


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Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 24 May 2012, 11:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Silvervarg
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20 May 2012, 1:17 am

Honestly, I can't think of a single thing to say when you don't have a specific problem or situation. :lol:


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dyingofpoetry
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20 May 2012, 1:22 am

Okay... I can provide one example: He does not understand why I do not like to be touched or talked to many times nor why I get stressed so much by changes in routine and lifestyle.


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20 May 2012, 9:42 am

How well does he understand Asperger's?

You should explain to him that there a certain routines that just cannot be changed.

As for being touched, are you able to touch him? Do you think that if you started touching him first, you would feel better about him touching you?



Silvervarg
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21 May 2012, 3:56 am

dyingofpoetry wrote:
Okay... I can provide one example: He does not understand why I do not like to be touched or talked to many times nor why I get stressed so much by changes in routine and lifestyle.

Is "why" even important? It's a fact, that should be all that he needs to know.


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dyingofpoetry
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21 May 2012, 2:44 pm

CSBurks wrote:
How well does he understand Asperger's?

You should explain to him that there a certain routines that just cannot be changed.

As for being touched, are you able to touch him? Do you think that if you started touching him first, you would feel better about him touching you?


He doesn't understand it as well as previous guys I've seen, but this is a much better relationship overall.

I have explained the routines, but out of caring and love, he wants to help me out with housekeeping and so on, and I do NOT want to be helped.

Good suggestion... I really do need to initiate touching more often.


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dyingofpoetry
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21 May 2012, 2:58 pm

Silvervarg wrote:
dyingofpoetry wrote:
Okay... I can provide one example: He does not understand why I do not like to be touched or talked to many times nor why I get stressed so much by changes in routine and lifestyle.

Is "why" even important? It's a fact, that should be all that he needs to know.


I agree that "why" is not very important, but if I had a way to verbalize or explain in some way the reason behind this things, I think it would be easier for him to happily accept. Right now he just thinks I don't WANT to touch him or to be touched and I do, but it just doesn't feel very good sometimes and want to find a way to explain without hurting him at all.

The same thing with interfering with my routines. I know he loves me a lot and it hurts his feelings a bit when I tell him to leave me alone when I'm working on something. Right now, he understands that it stresses me out when he tries to help, but if I explained WHY it's stressful, he'd feel better. We had a talk about this last night though and I think it made some sense to him when I explained that doing a task in a certain order, even if it takes longer and makes no sense, makes me feel calmer and soothed, because it's familiar.


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Silvervarg
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21 May 2012, 4:32 pm

dyingofpoetry wrote:
Silvervarg wrote:
dyingofpoetry wrote:
Okay... I can provide one example: He does not understand why I do not like to be touched or talked to many times nor why I get stressed so much by changes in routine and lifestyle.

Is "why" even important? It's a fact, that should be all that he needs to know.


I agree that "why" is not very important, but if I had a way to verbalize or explain in some way the reason behind this things, I think it would be easier for him to happily accept. Right now he just thinks I don't WANT to touch him or to be touched and I do, but it just doesn't feel very good sometimes and want to find a way to explain without hurting him at all.

The same thing with interfering with my routines. I know he loves me a lot and it hurts his feelings a bit when I tell him to leave me alone when I'm working on something. Right now, he understands that it stresses me out when he tries to help, but if I explained WHY it's stressful, he'd feel better. We had a talk about this last night though and I think it made some sense to him when I explained that doing a task in a certain order, even if it takes longer and makes no sense, makes me feel calmer and soothed, because it's familiar.

Then I would suggest lying to him, make up a reason why you don't like being touched that he can understand. (This might sound very cynical, but people with a need to understand can be really annoying sometimes.) This is not something I would usually advice someone, but it is a very effective way of making people think they understand when acceptance is what you need. :)


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visagrunt
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23 May 2012, 1:42 pm

This isn't just advice for him--it's advice for you, too. When and NT and an Aspie are in a relationship, it is incumbent on both parties to understand and accommodate their differences. The burden is just as much on you as on him!

That being said, I would give both of you precisely the same advice that I would give any young men in a new relationship:

1) Communicate with each other. You are two different people with different sets of wants and needs. You cannot assume that your needs are the same as your partner's, and you cannot rely upon your assumptions about what each other want and need. So talk about that.

There will be times that your desires come into conflict. The two most common issues for conflict are sex and money--so put those right up front. Be prepared to talk to each other about how you will manage your money and about how you will manage your sex life (sorry, romantics, a sex life is a thing to be managed!).

When your partner tells you something, accept it as true, even if you don't understand it.

2) Be honest about your deal breakers. Some things are deal breakers and no amount of willpower will change that. Be honest about what your deal breakers are. You are doing no one any favours by carrying on a relationship that is doomed to failure by putting aside your deal-breakers temporarily.

3) Compromise. On anything that isn't a deal breaker, be prepared to meet your partner half-way.


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dyingofpoetry
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24 May 2012, 2:49 am

visagrunt wrote:
This isn't just advice for him--it's advice for you, too. When and NT and an Aspie are in a relationship, it is incumbent on both parties to understand and accommodate their differences. The burden is just as much on you as on him!

That being said, I would give both of you precisely the same advice that I would give any young men in a new relationship:

1) Communicate with each other. You are two different people with different sets of wants and needs. You cannot assume that your needs are the same as your partner's, and you cannot rely upon your assumptions about what each other want and need. So talk about that.

There will be times that your desires come into conflict. The two most common issues for conflict are sex and money--so put those right up front. Be prepared to talk to each other about how you will manage your money and about how you will manage your sex life (sorry, romantics, a sex life is a thing to be managed!).

When your partner tells you something, accept it as true, even if you don't understand it.

2) Be honest about your deal breakers. Some things are deal breakers and no amount of willpower will change that. Be honest about what your deal breakers are. You are doing no one any favours by carrying on a relationship that is doomed to failure by putting aside your deal-breakers temporarily.

3) Compromise. On anything that isn't a deal breaker, be prepared to meet your partner half-way.


Thanks! :)


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