Marriage: he says "not ready", I don't get it..



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venigma
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15 Jun 2012, 11:50 am

My NT boyfriend and I have been best friends for over three years, and while we've only been together romantically for six months, it's been long enough to know that this is "it". I am in my late twenties and he's in his early thirties- we've both had enough experience with relationships to feel sure. We've been living together for three months, and while there have been some tensions here and there, we're happy and we love being together. It's just right, and we both know it.

I want to get married, but he says he's not ready. He says it's a process, and while he does want to marry me someday, he says "we're not there yet". I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with that. I simply don't understand. The way I see it, you either want to get married or you don't, and basically he doesn't want to marry me. So logically, there must be a reason why he doesn't want to marry me (yet), but his not being ready doesn't satisfy the question- it just brings up more (most obviously, "why isn't he ready?). I can't wrap my brain around the timeline concept. We've talked about this, and I try to ask questions to clarify his position, but the conversation is always difficult because he says he can't explain it better than that and then he ends up feeling like I'm pressuring him. The last thing I want is to pressure him- I'm just desperate to understand. I feel like he's trying to get me to believe two things that are mutually exclusive (that he wants to get married, and that he's not ready to get married), and it's causing a sort of cognitive dissonance that has me reeling. It feels like he's hiding something from me.

I should mention that in addition to self-diagnosed asperger's, I've also been diagnosed with mood disorders (borderline personality was the most accurate- though I've been through years of therapy and I no longer qualify for that diagnosis). I think my difficulty with this is probably due to the classic "black and white" thinking that I still sometimes find myself stuck in, exacerbated by my history of mood dysregulation.

Would anyone else be able to shed some light on this situation for me? How can my boyfriend want to marry me "someday", but not yet? This feels like some sort of crazy, paradoxical logic problem to me- I don't understand how those things can both be true.


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hartzofspace
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15 Jun 2012, 12:20 pm

Maybe it is really what he says; that he isn't ready yet. If you do things that he perceives as pressure, he will maybe not want to marry at all. Perhaps you should enjoy the fact that you two are living together and enjoying each others company? Get busy doing other things and give the whole marriage thing a rest. The reason I say this is because I am engaged to an Aspie (myself being Aspie as well) and he has told me stories that explain why he came to still be single when he was over 40. He has had at least two women that he was dating start pressuring him to marry. He promptly broke up with them because he didn't like being pressured. After we had been dating for a year, we moved in together. Shortly after that we discussed marriage, and he said that he had been wanting to ask me for six months! I had never broached the subject even though I loved him very much and wanted marriage.

So maybe your guy is taking a little longer to process his feelings about marriage, and you may find that it is better to allow him this. Don't put a time frame on it, just appreciate what you have together.


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15 Jun 2012, 12:24 pm

It probably just means he's not ready, marriage is a big deal because it's a legally binding contract! You've only been dating for 6 months and being best friends doesn't come with the extras that marriage does, I understand where he's coming from.


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bizboy1
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15 Jun 2012, 12:40 pm

venigma wrote:
My NT boyfriend and I have been best friends for over three years, and while we've only been together romantically for six months, it's been long enough to know that this is "it". I am in my late twenties and he's in his early thirties- we've both had enough experience with relationships to feel sure. We've been living together for three months, and while there have been some tensions here and there, we're happy and we love being together. It's just right, and we both know it.

I want to get married, but he says he's not ready. He says it's a process, and while he does want to marry me someday, he says "we're not there yet". I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with that. I simply don't understand. The way I see it, you either want to get married or you don't, and basically he doesn't want to marry me. So logically, there must be a reason why he doesn't want to marry me (yet), but his not being ready doesn't satisfy the question- it just brings up more (most obviously, "why isn't he ready?). I can't wrap my brain around the timeline concept. We've talked about this, and I try to ask questions to clarify his position, but the conversation is always difficult because he says he can't explain it better than that and then he ends up feeling like I'm pressuring him. The last thing I want is to pressure him- I'm just desperate to understand. I feel like he's trying to get me to believe two things that are mutually exclusive (that he wants to get married, and that he's not ready to get married), and it's causing a sort of cognitive dissonance that has me reeling. It feels like he's hiding something from me.

I should mention that in addition to self-diagnosed asperger's, I've also been diagnosed with mood disorders (borderline personality was the most accurate- though I've been through years of therapy and I no longer qualify for that diagnosis). I think my difficulty with this is probably due to the classic "black and white" thinking that I still sometimes find myself stuck in, exacerbated by my history of mood dysregulation.

Would anyone else be able to shed some light on this situation for me? How can my boyfriend want to marry me "someday", but not yet? This feels like some sort of crazy, paradoxical logic problem to me- I don't understand how those things can both be true.


I stopped reading about halfway through. You seem thick-headed. He simply doesn't want to get married, and he gave you the reason why: HE ISN'T READY. So, your attempt to be logical by being illogical is confounding the problem. Just because he doesn't agree with you and marry you right now doesn't give cause for you to come up with the ill-conceived idea that he doesn't want to marry you ever. Marriage is a huge even that costs money, involves family, friends, and is a legal matter. Pressuring him to give an answer other than the one you wont accept will make him feel more uneasy and upset. Lay off. Marriage is a barbaric practice anyways. If you truly love someone, do you really need a ceremony that is legally binding to prove it?



venigma
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15 Jun 2012, 1:39 pm

This forum really frustrates me. I have never been called stupid outside of this place. I am not stupid; in fact, I'm pretty smart, but like most aspies, there are some things I can be really naive about. When I feel like I want to understand something better, I come here for support, and people call me stupid. How is that helping anybody? Does it make you feel smarter to be mean when someone is struggling to understand something? I'm here because I've recognized a deficit in my understanding and I want to fix that, not because I want to be berated and insulted.

I KNOW my boyfriend is not ready to get married. He has told me that, and I believe him. I trust him and I want to accept it- and that's why I'm asking. I don't understand how you can know you want to marry someone, but not be ready to do it. What does that mean? Clearly, there's some information here that I'm missing, and everyone acts like it's just common knowledge, but I don't see it. What is the disconnect between wanting to get married and actually getting married?


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15 Jun 2012, 2:18 pm

bizboy1 wrote:
venigma wrote:
My NT boyfriend and I have been best friends for over three years, and while we've only been together romantically for six months, it's been long enough to know that this is "it". I am in my late twenties and he's in his early thirties- we've both had enough experience with relationships to feel sure. We've been living together for three months, and while there have been some tensions here and there, we're happy and we love being together. It's just right, and we both know it.

I want to get married, but he says he's not ready. He says it's a process, and while he does want to marry me someday, he says "we're not there yet". I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with that. I simply don't understand. The way I see it, you either want to get married or you don't, and basically he doesn't want to marry me. So logically, there must be a reason why he doesn't want to marry me (yet), but his not being ready doesn't satisfy the question- it just brings up more (most obviously, "why isn't he ready?). I can't wrap my brain around the timeline concept. We've talked about this, and I try to ask questions to clarify his position, but the conversation is always difficult because he says he can't explain it better than that and then he ends up feeling like I'm pressuring him. The last thing I want is to pressure him- I'm just desperate to understand. I feel like he's trying to get me to believe two things that are mutually exclusive (that he wants to get married, and that he's not ready to get married), and it's causing a sort of cognitive dissonance that has me reeling. It feels like he's hiding something from me.

I should mention that in addition to self-diagnosed asperger's, I've also been diagnosed with mood disorders (borderline personality was the most accurate- though I've been through years of therapy and I no longer qualify for that diagnosis). I think my difficulty with this is probably due to the classic "black and white" thinking that I still sometimes find myself stuck in, exacerbated by my history of mood dysregulation.

Would anyone else be able to shed some light on this situation for me? How can my boyfriend want to marry me "someday", but not yet? This feels like some sort of crazy, paradoxical logic problem to me- I don't understand how those things can both be true.


I stopped reading about halfway through. You seem thick-headed. He simply doesn't want to get married, and he gave you the reason why: HE ISN'T READY. So, your attempt to be logical by being illogical is confounding the problem. Just because he doesn't agree with you and marry you right now doesn't give cause for you to come up with the ill-conceived idea that he doesn't want to marry you ever. Marriage is a huge even that costs money, involves family, friends, and is a legal matter. Pressuring him to give an answer other than the one you wont accept will make him feel more uneasy and upset. Lay off. Marriage is a barbaric practice anyways. If you truly love someone, do you really need a ceremony that is legally binding to prove it?


That was some seriously uncalled for rudeness. You can disagree with someone without name calling.
Maybe you don't like the idea of marriage, that's cool, you don't have to get married. No need to be mean because someone cares about something you don't.


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redrobin62
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15 Jun 2012, 2:32 pm

That's the risk of being in an online forum: some people will sugarcoat their response and give you a soft cusion to land on, and some people will be as blunt as bricks. (Probably the reason why I don't post that much!)



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15 Jun 2012, 3:07 pm

venigma wrote:
This forum really frustrates me. I have never been called stupid outside of this place. I am not stupid; in fact, I'm pretty smart, but like most aspies, there are some things I can be really naive about. When I feel like I want to understand something better, I come here for support, and people call me stupid. How is that helping anybody? Does it make you feel smarter to be mean when someone is struggling to understand something? I'm here because I've recognized a deficit in my understanding and I want to fix that, not because I want to be berated and insulted.

I KNOW my boyfriend is not ready to get married. He has told me that, and I believe him. I trust him and I want to accept it- and that's why I'm asking. I don't understand how you can know you want to marry someone, but not be ready to do it. What does that mean? Clearly, there's some information here that I'm missing, and everyone acts like it's just common knowledge, but I don't see it. What is the disconnect between wanting to get married and actually getting married?


Girl, don't concern yourself over that ignorant post. You are not stupid. Your question is valid. I agree with what Hartzofspace has to say.



Butters
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15 Jun 2012, 3:58 pm

You two have been together a short time. Marriage is a big ( and legal ) commitment to one another. That in and of itself can cause pressure and even anxiety for someone. Yes you two have been best friends for a long time, but you've only dated a short while. While you may feel you are ready for the next step, he feels he isnt. If I were in your position I would put the marriage thought aside. He knows how you feel and thats a good thing.

But reguardless he isn't ready for the next step. Stay with him, if he knows how you feel on the matter of it, than wait, let him come to you. Let him come to you when he feels he is ready to get married. This will make him feel less pressured and it will make it so later on you wont be like " I pressured him into marrying me, is he only with me because he feels he has to be? "

In other words...

Waiting and letting him come to you will reduce any doubts you may have later on.



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15 Jun 2012, 4:17 pm

venigma wrote:
This forum really frustrates me. I have never been called stupid outside of this place. I am not stupid; in fact, I'm pretty smart, but like most aspies, there are some things I can be really naive about. When I feel like I want to understand something better, I come here for support, and people call me stupid. How is that helping anybody? Does it make you feel smarter to be mean when someone is struggling to understand something? I'm here because I've recognized a deficit in my understanding and I want to fix that, not because I want to be berated and insulted.

I KNOW my boyfriend is not ready to get married. He has told me that, and I believe him. I trust him and I want to accept it- and that's why I'm asking. I don't understand how you can know you want to marry someone, but not be ready to do it. What does that mean? Clearly, there's some information here that I'm missing, and everyone acts like it's just common knowledge, but I don't see it. What is the disconnect between wanting to get married and actually getting married?


I didn't mean to come off rude; I meant to be blunt. I guess my definition of thick-headed is different from everyone else's. Maybe naive is a better word.

I want X in the future is different than I want X now. That's what you don't seem to get. Here's another example: I want soda in 15 minutes but not now. Present vs Future. They are different.



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15 Jun 2012, 4:32 pm

Quote:
Here's another example: I want soda in 15 minutes but not now. Present vs Future. They are different.


I can actually get with this ^^^ I like it.



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15 Jun 2012, 8:51 pm

It seems to me there's some really good advice in the replies you've had - even within the blunt response - so try and take the advice on board. You say you can't wrap your brain around your boyfriend's need for more time, before getting married. I can relate to your frustration in wanting to understand the timeline issue - because when you feel close to someone, it's natural to want to understand their thought processes, and the choices they make. However, it's just not realistic to expect to understand each other completely. We all have a complex array of factors which drive the choices we make - some of them conscious, many of them subconscious - but at least your boyfriend is being honest with you, and signalling as clearly as he can that he needs more time, before taking such a big step. And the last thing you want to do is drive him away because your anxiety about his need for time is clouding your judgement. My daughter and her partner have just bought a house together - a very clear sign of their commitment to each other - and whilst he is ready for marriage, she is not, yet. She loves him dearly; she wants to get married some day - but she's just not quite ready. Her partner has accepted her hesitance, trusts that she will be ready one day, and seems content to enjoy what they have together, at this point.

You say that you trust your boyfriend - you just don't understand his thought processes on this particular issue. Try to focus on your trust (which is wonderful thing to have in a relationship) and relax about his need for more time. There are so many lonely people in the world, who are desperate for someone to love, and be loved by - and you already have that. If you're able to put the idea of marriage onto the backburner, you'll probably find you'll both become more relaxed and content, once the pressure is off.



sinkorswim5493
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15 Jun 2012, 9:19 pm

There are lots of things that people can want 'someday' but not right at that moment?

Many people know for CERTAIN they want to have children- in the future. I know for sure I want to do a parachute jump- when I am ready and mentally prepared. It's not that I doubt the thing that I want, I just need to be mentally ready for them- it doesn't change my desire for them.



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15 Jun 2012, 10:36 pm

Also take on board that marriage is a life time together (ideally), why rush? You have the rest of your life to be married, why not enjoy the present as it is because before you know it, the dating and honeymoon faze is over. In the long run, 2,3 even 5 years is nothing if you stay together for the next 50.


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15 Jun 2012, 10:44 pm

I don't care if you've known someone for 15 years, if you've only been dating 6 months it seems standard to not be ready to jump into marriage yet. I am a child of divorce. I'm just saying that life hands us all unexpected turns. If the relationship is right, it won't matter if you wait 6 more months, or 2 years or whatever. I say, just enjoy what you have now. I think sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the next step we forget to full live in the joy of today.



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