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Blownmind
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20 Jun 2012, 12:58 pm

Man, I am really tired of hearing this now. I was very aware that it might be conceived that way, so I explicitly explained that to those I told in my life. But I still bump into people online who constantly says Aspergers is just an excuse for your weird behaviour.

Do you use Aspergers as an excuse? if so, STOP IT, you are ruining it for the rest of us.
..or is it just how people react to something unknown?


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mightyzebra
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20 Jun 2012, 1:01 pm

So many people are diagnosed with or believe to be Aspie nowadays, that I guess NT people are getting scared of the surge and say that being "Aspie" is just an excuse. These people don't know how difficult it is for the real Aspies to get through life and they are probably jealous of the attention and special treatment we might get.

Just ignore these people, seriously. If they think that we're making an excuse, that's their problem. Besides, if you say you're diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and say something intelligent and scientific about your disorder they may possibly think differently. :wink:


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CuriousKitten
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20 Jun 2012, 1:26 pm

mightyzebra wrote:
So many people are diagnosed with or believe to be Aspie nowadays, that I guess NT people are getting scared of the surge and say that being "Aspie" is just an excuse. These people don't know how difficult it is for the real Aspies to get through life and they are probably jealous of the attention and special treatment we might get.

Just ignore these people, seriously. If they think that we're making an excuse, that's their problem. Besides, if you say you're diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and say something intelligent and scientific about your disorder they may possibly think differently. :wink:


or at least be intimidated into silence O:-)


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poppyfields
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20 Jun 2012, 1:29 pm

I don't talk about AS "in the real world". I do think some aspies use it as an excuse though. I think learned helplessness is a problem. It doesn't apply to everyone, or even half, but it is there.



mightyzebra
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20 Jun 2012, 1:35 pm

CuriousKitten wrote:
or at least be intimidated into silence O:-)


Hopefully. Kind of the Sheldon Cooper approach. :D


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LeeTimmer
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20 Jun 2012, 1:57 pm

I don't go around telling everyone, but I'm not afraid to talk about it. For example, I made the very difficult decision to tell the people I work for and with. I told them before anything else that it’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation. Why am I so quiet? Why am I so apparently aloof? Why don’t I make eye contact (or very little)? They needed to know these things – for their benefit and FOR MINE. I wanted to make clear that I’m not snobby; I’m just different. They took it really well and have treated me better than I could have ever imagined. I even gave them my copy of “Asperger’s on the Job,” which really helped. The NTs who think it’s an excuse can just get over it which, ironically, is the advice that I’ve been given many times by people trying to change me.



League_Girl
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20 Jun 2012, 1:59 pm

I do believe some do use it as an excuse. I can always tell by posts by what they say about it. I also think some do learn to use it as an excuse because imagine being a child and got diagnosed with it. Your parents and teachers keep limiting you what you can do and they let the label define you and say you can't do this or that or you are unable to learn this or that and they don't even bother to try and teach you skills. So you grow up believing it's okay to be that way and you don't have to change or work at it and you don't have to try because you have AS so you don't end up being successful or independent and you think you can't do it because you have AS. If you treat a child like they are disabled, they will act like it. If you treat a child like the aspie label, they act more aspie. Not really the person's fault they are using it as an excuse because they had been taught and they probably don't even know they are doing it because they have been brainwashed over the years. They do truly think they can't do it and truly think they are unable to learn. I have noticed with older aspies they were able to make it through life but they struggled and had to work harder to get there because they never had a label for it so they couldn't use it as an excuse. I notice real aspies do actually try. No doubt some real ones do use theirs as an excuse. I think it's more common in teens and young adults. I also think some older ones may too because they take it too literal. They think "oh I have this condition, I don't have to do this or that anymore because I have Asperger's" so they act worse. I thought the same thing too in high school. Having AS does not mean be more aspie. Even my own mother says I took it too literal and they had to redirect me and it was very hard for them to do that. Plus the problem was also my school counselor and he was enabling it and I was believing him. It took my shrink to help them figure out what was going on.

Sometimes it can look like we are using it as an excuse but we are not. We are just trying to explain to them why something is hard for us or why we are acting a certain way or why we said the wrong thing. I admit it does look that way so I avoid saying I have it.


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Last edited by League_Girl on 20 Jun 2012, 2:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sweetleaf
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20 Jun 2012, 2:05 pm

sometimes people think if someone isn't willing to try and become more neurotypical they are using it for an excuse. Which I tend to disagree with since its probably not possible to function like a neurotypical if you're not one, though it is certainly not an excuse not to try in life....but it is kind of silly to expect one to reject everything about themselves all in the name of becoming what others want them to.


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LeeTimmer
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20 Jun 2012, 2:07 pm

Very good post, Ms. League_Girl (not that you need my approval).



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20 Jun 2012, 2:08 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
sometimes people think if someone isn't willing to try and become more neurotypical they are using it for an excuse. Which I tend to disagree with since its probably not possible to function like a neurotypical if you're not one, though it is certainly not an excuse not to try in life....but it is kind of silly to expect one to reject everything about themselves all in the name of becoming what others want them to.


Yeah, the "pretending to be normal" wears me out.



JeremyNJ1984
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20 Jun 2012, 2:47 pm

I don't use it as an excuse for any bad behavior. In fact when I " came out" to my fellow co-worker who is a DHS ( DDD) case manager about 2 weeks ago with my aspergers diagnosis, I wanted to tell him in order for him to know that If I acted differently or behaved incorrectly i wanted him to know what I have but that I wanted him to tell me and I wouldn't be offended. Luckily I work with people who deal with our population alongside more severely autistic, CP, Low IQ, blind, deaf, etc clients. Its much easier for me to explain my sometimes odd mannerisms and reluctance to go out for lunch. But I also told them that I am trying hard to be more social and develop the social network, so I am framining it as a non-excuse but that I want them to know that we can improve ourselves..perhaps they will get another perspective of us.



twich
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20 Jun 2012, 3:33 pm

The only time I mention it for what can be mistaken for an excuse is when I say/ do something and the person takes it the wrong way. I don't understand what I said or did that was so insulting or upsetting so I ask someone I trust to help me figure it out. If it's actually because of how I worded it and not the other person just being completely irrational and overly sensitive (which does happen sometimes but I only figure it out after asking.) I then go and apologize to the person and explain I have ASD (asperger's) and that sometimes I think I'm saying something properly or socially acceptable, but I still get it wrong, then I explain it the way my trusted NT helped me word it. I don't say "Well, I have asperger's so I don't care" I take full responsibility for my actions, but some people still think I'm trying to get out of taking responsibility for my actions. I even take responsibility for meltdowns which I know I can't control once they've begun... I just feel the need to be held accountable for my behaviour. I agree with league girl, as difficult as it was growing up without a diagnosis, I think I learned A LOT more because of it. I've seen kids and adults who have been diagnosed as kids, and they do the "Oh, well, I have AS, so I don't know better" Or what not, and I think they're playing society a lot of the times. That statement alone proves they're aware, but they've been getting told that excuse so long they know it can excuse their intentionally unacceptable behaviour. I don't agree with that at all.


Actually, that's an interesting topic, I worked in a toddler program for a while and people used the same excuses "Oh, they're too young for this/ they don't know how to do that," I was all for pushing the limits, and the kids I worked with almost always became more advance for their age and excelled. I don't believe in putting limits, I believe in breaking barriers. An example- If a kid wants to play with a puzzle beyond their skills at the time, what bad will it do to let them play with it anyway? They may surprise you instead of you suppressing them. It's become more evident as people on the spectrum grew up or were given computers/ ipods/ipads, that they know and are much more capable than what we assumed.


ANYWAY, yes, if you're using it to get out of taking responsibility for bad behaviour, stop it. You're just adding to the stereotype and making it harder for us all.



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20 Jun 2012, 3:44 pm

I am in my early 50s, and only found out about my Asperger's several years ago. There is no way I could spend my entire life before then (several decades), faking or pretending a condition I did not know I had, and had not even heard about until about 8 years ago! The traits I had as a child, as a teen, and as an adult are the same as what I have now as an older adult. Some of them have been modified by experience and age, but I am still the same non normal person now that I was as a child. This is more than sufficient proof that Autism spectrum disorders are real, and that my case is a real one.

I choose not to "come out" to people, but they usually figure out I am different after a few minutes. I realized decades ago that I am the wrong "shape" of peg to fit into the "normal" pegboard, so I gave up trying a long time ago. My efforts were never successful and only added to my stress, so I decided to just be myself. I will temporarily "fake" some behaviors, to get along, but it is stressful, so mostly I just do my own thing. Fortunately, I live alone, don't go out much, and don't have people over much, so I don't have to try to do much faking. Besides, I'm not good at it.


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Blownmind
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20 Jun 2012, 3:46 pm

twich wrote:
I don't say "Well, I have asperger's so I don't care" I take full responsibility for my actions, but some people still think I'm trying to get out of taking responsibility for my actions.
(...)
ANYWAY, yes, if you're using it to get out of taking responsibility for bad behaviour, stop it. You're just adding to the stereotype and making it harder for us all.

Spot on! :D Thanks for writing my exact thoughts.

Taking responsibility, even if the act may have been related to Aspergers, is important.


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Jasmine90
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20 Jun 2012, 4:12 pm

I haven't used it as an excuse, at least not that I remember. Other people have used it as an excuse for me, though, which p**ses me off.

We shouldn't have to have excuses prepared for everything we do which NT might consider controversial or offensive. If I offend someone, I usually apologize and then ask them why they were offended so that I can work on it. Sometimes that offends them further, not that I really care. It's not my fault many people were born with a stick up their a**.

I still think a lot of people are overly sensitive, though. I don't like to excuse my behaviour, as if I'm some freak who is only allowed to stay in society if I keep my trap shut and "control" myself.

As for more serious behaviours... Definitely not. I would never see aspergers as an excuse to hurt someone. It's like some lawyer who tried to claim that his clients' tourettes is what made him kill another person. As the OP said, it makes it harder for the rest of us who are trying to "blend in" or just cope with the society of which we don't quite fit.

I don't want to be considered a psychopath because some person has the same problems as me and has killed/ hurt somebody. Hell, you may as well blame water for the actions of people.



cavendish
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20 Jun 2012, 4:17 pm

I am sure that many people here are dealing with serious issues. The problem I see, however, is when they take a severe case, for instance, those 40% of autistics who can't read and write, and use the very understandable public sympathy generated to go out, and then tell the world that one in eighty eight children in America falls under the autistic diagnosis as well. There are the real true, legitimate cases, and then there are all the rest, who should be placed into an entirely different category.


League_Girl wrote:
I do believe some do use it as an excuse. I can always tell by posts by what they say about it. I also think some do learn to use it as an excuse because imagine being a child and got diagnosed with it. Your parents and teachers keep limiting you what you can do and they let the label define you and say you can't do this or that or you are unable to learn this or that and they don't even bother to try and teach you skills. So you grow up believing it's okay to be that way and you don't have to change or work at it and you don't have to try because you have AS so you don't end up being successful or independent and you think you can't do it because you have AS. If you treat a child like they are disabled, they will act like it. If you treat a child like the aspie label, they act more aspie. Not really the person's fault they are using it as an excuse because they had been taught and they probably don't even know they are doing it because they have been brainwashed over the years. They do truly think they can't do it and truly think they are unable to learn. I have noticed with older aspies they were able to make it through life but they struggled and had to work harder to get there because they never had a label for it so they couldn't use it as an excuse. I notice real aspies do actually try. No doubt some real ones do use theirs as an excuse. I think it's more common in teens and young adults. I also think some older ones may too because they take it too literal. They think "oh I have this condition, I don't have to do this or that anymore because I have Asperger's" so they act worse. I thought the same thing too in high school. Having AS does not mean be more aspie. Even my own mother says I took it too literal and they had to redirect me and it was very hard for them to do that. Plus the problem was also my school counselor and he was enabling it and I was believing him. It took my shrink to help them figure out what was going on.

Sometimes it can look like we are using it as an excuse but we are not. We are just trying to explain to them why something is hard for us or why we are acting a certain way or why we said the wrong thing. I admit it does look that way so I avoid saying I have it.