Just got engaged - now I am panicking



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SilkySifaka
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:13 pm

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where to put it.

Yesterday I got engaged. I'm very happy about that, we've been together a long time and getting married is important to us. We've talked about it a lot, and I agreed to get married as long as we could have a very small wedding so it will just be immediate family (my parents and sister, his parents and sister and her husband). So that is all fine.

My problem is that since we've announced it suddenly a few people are sending me emails, FB messages and texts and asking about the wedding and talking as if they are presuming they will be invited! This has really surprised me as some of these people have barely bothered to speak to me for months and none are close friends. One person I was once quite close to dropped me completely about six months ago and now they have reappeared and offered to help me organize my wedding and making suggestions about where I should have it, how much I should spend etc. None of these people know about my Aspergers.

Now I am in an utter panic because I don't know how to tell them that there won't be a proper wedding without sounding rude. The longer I don't say anything the worse it is going to get. I'm so confused, I'm awful at this sort of thing. What should I do, or say?

Sorry for the long post. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it very much.



PastFixations
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:20 pm

You mean a low key wedding? The type which is just a small reception to witness the ceremony or literally just you and your man with the priest guy/wedding guy?


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SilkySifaka
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:22 pm

It will just be me and my boyfriend, our parents and siblings. It will be in a registry office (the UK equivalent of a court house) and after that we will maybe go to a restaurant and then go home. So very low key.



hartzofspace
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:30 pm

I am engaged, too. And I completely can relate to what you are going through. The thing is, that my fiance and I decided early that we were just going to go down to city hall and tie the knot. At first, we had toyed with the idea of having a formal wedding, but since we are both Aspie, we dreaded making a huge fuss. After we had informed our respective families, we made it clear that we weren't going to be having a big wedding that you invite people to. We got some pressure from my aunt. She felt that we should get married in a church even though neither of us are religious. Then she was offering to come all the way to our state and cook for the big bash that she thought we were having. For a long time I felt guilty because I wasn't going to have this huge affair to which at least thirty people thought they would be invited, but we stood firm to our plans not to make any plans.

When people realized that we meant business they backed off. Keep in mind that it is YOUR WEDDING. You have a right to do what you please. You already decided to include whomever you wished. Don't let anyone push you into allowing them to make plans for your special day. You can respond to these wannabe wedding planners quite firmly. tell them that you have already made your arrangements for a small family wedding and thank them for their well wishes. You don't have to feel obligated to invite anyone just because they feel entitled. After all, some of these people that you mentioned haven't even been in your life so why the heck would you included them in your special day? I have read horror stories where people were guilt tripped into spending and doing way more than they intended to, and really regretting it later. Guest lists swelled to unmanageable numbers, and expenses sky rocketed. Stand firm! And good luck! :)


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PastFixations
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:33 pm

SilkySifaka wrote:
It will just be me and my boyfriend, our parents and siblings. It will be in a registry office (the UK equivalent of a court house) and after that we will maybe go to a restaurant and then go home. So very low key.

Sure I understand where your going.
You may wish to say something like this:
We are both thrilled you would like to come, however this wedding really isn't going to be spacious enough as we have our family members to consider.


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PastFixations
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:49 pm

Also if after that they get all pushy, do what hartzofspace said and stay firm and in control.


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SilkySifaka
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:57 pm

hartzofspace wrote:
I am engaged, too. And I completely can relate to what you are going through. The thing is, that my fiance and I decided early that we were just going to go down to city hall and tie the knot. At first, we had toyed with the idea of having a formal wedding, but since we are both Aspie, we dreaded making a huge fuss. After we had informed our respective families, we made it clear that we weren't going to be having a big wedding that you invite people to. We got some pressure from my aunt. She felt that we should get married in a church even though neither of us are religious. Then she was offering to come all the way to our state and cook for the big bash that she thought we were having. For a long time I felt guilty because I wasn't going to have this huge affair to which at least thirty people thought they would be invited, but we stood firm to our plans not to make any plans.

When people realized that we meant business they backed off. Keep in mind that it is YOUR WEDDING. You have a right to do what you please. You already decided to include whomever you wished. Don't let anyone push you into allowing them to make plans for your special day. You can respond to these wannabe wedding planners quite firmly. tell them that you have already made your arrangements for a small family wedding and thank them for their well wishes. You don't have to feel obligated to invite anyone just because they feel entitled. After all, some of these people that you mentioned haven't even been in your life so why the heck would you included them in your special day? I have read horror stories where people were guilt tripped into spending and doing way more than they intended to, and really regretting it later. Guest lists swelled to unmanageable numbers, and expenses sky rocketed. Stand firm! And good luck! :)


Thank you, that is really helpful, I think I just need to calm down. I just get into a big panic when I don't know what to say. You are right I should just be firm about it. If I'm adult enough to get married I should be adult enough to be able to explain my choices.

I'm glad you stood firm in your plans, I'm sure your day will be lovely :)

PastFixations wrote:
You may wish to say something like this:
We are both thrilled you would like to come, however this wedding really isn't going to be spacious enough as we have our family members to consider.


Thank you, that is very reasonable and sensible and just what I needed.



sinsboldly
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:42 pm

best wishes, SilkySifaka. i hope your day is memorable!



hartzofspace
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:47 pm

SilkySifaka wrote:
I'm glad you stood firm in your plans, I'm sure your day will be lovely :)

Aww, thank you! 8)


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PastFixations
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:00 pm

Good luck to you both, SillySifaka and hartzofspace.


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SilkySifaka
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:03 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
best wishes, SilkySifaka. i hope your day is memorable!


Thank you :) It won't be for about a year and half (I imagine I'll have a few more moments of panic between now and then). I hope it will be memorable although knowing my family it may not be memorable in the way I am hoping!

PastFixations wrote:
Good luck to you both, SillySifaka and hartzofspace.


Thank you :)



singularity
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:05 pm

SilkySifaka wrote:
It will just be me and my boyfriend, our parents and siblings. It will be in a registry office (the UK equivalent of a court house) and after that we will maybe go to a restaurant and then go home.


Just tell them this^^



redrobin62
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:38 pm

Good luck, Silky. Sorry to see you go. We had good conversations on WP.



PastFixations
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:50 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
Good luck, Silky. Sorry to see you go. We had good conversations on WP.

What makes you think she's leaving?


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redrobin62
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Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:12 pm

Well, isn't WP sort of a Lonely Hearts Club Band? From the huge amount of suicidal posts and rejection posts you'd think it was!

I sometimes look at WP as a place to gain social skills. Getting married is like a graduation. You're free now. You've made it in the world. The rest of use are those sad eyed puppies getting left behind in the animal shelter, hoping the next family walking in the front door would adopt us. :(



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