Easier to Have Romantic Feelings in Short-Term Situations

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Aspie1
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25 Jul 2012, 11:39 pm

For as long as I remember, I never experienced pure, unadulterated infatuation toward a girl, except maybe in 8th grade, when I first had puberty. I always looked at romance in a very cut-and-dried, almost mathematical way. Whenever I'd find myself in a situation where a girl liked me, and even more so, if I actually went on a date with a girl, I'd start asking myself what I call "check questions":
* What will it be like to spend time with her long-term?
* Is she going to start putting me down every chance she gets? (this is from sitcoms about married people)
* How am I going to introduce her to friends and family?
* How will I integrate her into my existing circle of friends?
* Will the physical affection she gives me be worth what I put into the relationship?
* Will my life change irreversibly after we become exclusive?
* What is my real reason for getting into this relationship in the first place?
And so on, and so on. My brain passes anything remotely romantic through a series of very logical filters.

With so many things to worry about, having pure romantic feelings for a girl seems like a daunting task. Even when I feel very comfortable with a new girlfriend, my logical brain keeps filtering my every interaction with her, replacing what I'm "supposed" to feel for her with a bunch of yes/no responses to questions I ask myself.

Not so in short-term interactions, such as when meeting someone while on vacation or even a day trip to another town. Case in point. A few months ago, I went on a cruise by myself. At one point during the cruise, I met someone. She seemed to be romantically interested in me, enough for things to happen to distinguish the interaction from friendship. (Out of respect for privacy, I'll leave the description at that; fill it in with your mind.) And I noticed the strangest thing. I found myself feeling very comfortable with her, and becoming infatuated for the first time in 11 years (last tme, I had a crush on a classmate my senior year in high school). I couldn't even pinpoint why I got a crush on her; I just did, and didn't care why. We exchanged numbers before turning in to our respective cabins the last night of the cruise. But once we both flew home and harsh reality hit like a box of rocks, I once again lost the ability to have romantic feelings like that, even for that girl. We spoke on the phone a couple of times, but nothing materialized. Living on nearly-opposite sides of the country didn't help. It took me more than a month to fully get over my crush. Before then, I spent hours on airline sites researching flights and tickets.

My question is: why? Being an aspie male, I was never good at finding and keeping romantic relationships. And I learned to not become infatuated no matter what. But in short-term situations, where the chances of seeing a romantic partner again are pretty small, my infatuation just runs wild! I get a full-blown crush! So, why would that happen. In day-to-day situations, where I see the same people day in and day out (like work), or where I go for utilitarian purposes (like grocery stores), I can't get a crush even if someone pointed a gun at me. But in what I call short-term situations, I get really strong crushes. Please share your insights.



MyFutureSelfnMe
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26 Jul 2012, 1:35 am

I'm usually the same way, and I don't feel bad about it at all. The only advice I can give is don't sweat it, you're not doing anything wrong, try dating another aspie chick, and don't date anyone with NPD (see other thread). You're golden. Eventually your feelings will adjust on their own.



minotaurheadcheese
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26 Jul 2012, 9:38 am

Perhaps in short-term situations you aren't being as analytical, because you see less possibility of them leading to a serious relationship. Even though you exchanged phone numbers, you say that you live on opposite sides of the country, so clearly you knew you weren't going to step off the cruise and immediately shack up or something :) You're definitely not alone in this; it's the reason why so many people (even adults) have crazy huge crushes on celebrities and such. Maybe feeling that there's no commitment, nor possibility of it, takes the pressure off and lets you just have fun giving your romantic side free reign.

Honestly, that dichotomy is probably a good thing, up to a point. It keeps you from falling head over heels for someone available but incompatible, and making bad impulsive decisions because of it. I could have used a few of your "check questions" in years past :lol:


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Aspie1
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05 Aug 2012, 7:05 pm

Minitaurheadcheese, I think you hit the nail on the head. The notion of a new relationship turning my life upside down scares me. Another case in point. When I was dating a new girl back in 2009, we were snuggling on her couch in a dark room with the TV off, talking about things like family and what we want to do with our lives; on the outside, I was warm and affectionate, willingly sharing my answers, but on the inside, I was panicked as hell and my nerves were running wild! The closeness, cuddling, kissing, and security of future felt great, and yet, my mind was racing through the check questions. Similarly, when I met a girl in 2011, an we were doing the same thing on a park bench after our second date, I also had thoughts running through my head, thus "throttling" my feelings.

Not so with the new "friend" I met on my cruise. We were snuggling together on one lounge chair, on the top deck under the night sky, with the ship's red-and-blue whale tail funnel* towering above us. (It felt as romantic as the description sounds.) She was telling me about her childhood life and how it affected her to this day, while I was doing pretty much the same, only slightly editing my stories to avoid losing her romantic interest. It was pretty much what I was doing with my new girlfriend three years ago. Only this time, I felt absolutely zero worry and discomfort; I was just enjoying the closeness and the intimacy for what it was. I found the juxtaposition of strangers on a cruise ship sharing personal life stories quite intriguing. It might have been this that made it difficult to get over my infatuation for her. Honestly, before going on the cruise, I set my odds of meeting someone romantically as "less than 5%", so all that took me by surprise.

I understand that there's something about cruise ships that makes even the most bitter and jaded man's romantic feelings run wild, but there's gotta be more to it than just being on a fancy ship. I'm planning to go on another cruise the upcoming fall (autumn, for those of you outside of North America), and I'm not excluding the possibility of the same situation happening. Any way I should handle it differently than on my first cruise? Should I control my emotions better, or just let them run wild like the first time around?
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* This is a signature feature of Carnival Cruise Line ships; we met on one.