Issues important when dealing with teenagers on the spectrum

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Heidi80
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12 Aug 2012, 3:19 pm

Hi, I'm a 32-year old aspie woman. I don't have kids myself, but I was an aspie teenage girl and know how bad it can be. I was a happy kid, but when I became a teenager, all hell broke loose. I was bullied, isolated and self-destructive. I have gotten loads of help from the asperger community and kind of want to pay it forward, so that e kids today don't have to suffer like my generation had too. I've made a list of things that you might want to be extra careful about when raising teenagers on the spectrum and also things that might help them cope. Hope this helps someone.


Issues:

Social isolation: Perhaps the issue that most teens on the spectrum have to deal with. I know I did. I didn't have any real friends until I started university. When you're a teenager, fitting in is crucial and as an aspie/autist it's much harderto fit in. I suspect this is worse for girls than boys, because society still expects girls to be better socially than boys. The best way to deal with this issue would probably be to help your child find her/his own clique (nerds, otaku etc). If the kids that your child seems to have most common with are "low-status" in the social hierarchy (like nerds)they are probably most likely to accept "weird" behavior.

Bullying: often goes together with the former. This one needs to be dealt with asap. If the school doesn't respong, contact the bully's parents. Bullying made a huge damage to my self-esteem, I'm only just starting to get over it.

Self-harm: I don't have any numbers, but I've been in the aspie community for 10 years and have noticed this is especially usual in aspie women. Most of the women who use more drastic forms of self-harm (like cutting) started in their teens. I started cutting later, but I used a pre-form of cutting as a teenager. It's really important to remember that a teen on the spectrum probably cuts him/herself for different reasons than a NT teen. So cutting (for aspies) is usually not attention-seeking or a sign of a serious mental illness, it's just a way to deal with overwhelming stress/emotions. I cut when I feel that my head is going to explode and I'm too overwhelmed to use more productive self-calming methods. What NOT to do as a parent was what my mum did; start screaming at me that I must never do that again. I understand this is scary for a parent, but it's really important to try and stay calm and discuss this with the teen. Show him/her that you're not angry, only concerned for their wellbeing. This might be a good time to talk with the teen about positive self-calming methods like talking to someone about their feelings, go to the gym or just take a little time-out. A psychologist who specializes in people on the spectrum can help your teen find positive self-calm methods (and also deal with stress/emotions better)

Eating disorders: I've read studies that many girls who get their asperger diagnosis at a later age first get diagnosed with anorexia. This actually makes sence, as life for an undiagnosed aspie teen probably seems pretty out of control and eating is something the teen can feel in control of. As I have no experience in eating disorders, I can't say much.


Mental health problems: I guess almost all aspie teens have them. What saved me as a teen was a really good psychologist that I could tell everything (she found out about my self-harm long before my parents did). What you and the professionals that work with the teen can do is to help them recognize their feelings and find a way to release the feelings (talking, writing, drawing, online games, hitting walls etc)


General things important when raising a teen on the spectrum:

Positive respons: When me and my aspie friends talk about our childhood, the lack of positive respons almost always comes up. If you only hear negative things about you, you feel that you're never good enough and your self-esteem will get damaged. So praise your kids as much as possible, even from little things. Make them feel they're perfect JUST the way they are. Being different/quirky can actually be a good thing later in life.

Communication: It's really important to actually communicate with a teen on the spectrum. Sit down with them after school/work and discuss your day etc. This will not only bring you closer, it will also help the teens with their communication problems. Make sure your teens know they can tell you anything.

Clear rules that everyone in the family agrees on

Positive self-calming strategies: I've written about this already in the other segments, but this is extreamly important. Help the teens find out what self-calming strategies work for them. When the teen gets overwhelmed you can always remind of the positive strategies like "Why don't you go up to your room and play the drums? It helped last time you felt like this". Praise and reward if the kids have used a positive strategy instead of a negative. If the self-calming strategy is complicated/ has many different steps it can help to write it down (all the steps) and put it on the wall.

Structure: Kids on the spectrum need structure. Try to tell the kid at least a few days beforehand if there's changes in the structure. Me and my coach do a week schedule every monday; where I write down what I have to do that week and we discuss it. This might also work with more high-functioning/responsible aspie teens. It's important that the teens do the schedule themselves, so that they feel more in control of their life. After it's done, you can go through it together and make necessary changes.

Aspie friends/older mentors: Try to get your teens involved in an aspie social group. One of the most healing moments in my life was when I at 21 for the first time found myself in the company of people like myself. Kids on the spectrum need to see other people like themselves. Even if they have totally different special interests, they know they're alike and can bond with each other. Also; try to find an older aspie who has the same kind of special interests as your kids. I've seen in asperger groups that talking to an older person who has gone through the same things can do wonders for an aspie teen.

Goals: I had no friends in high school. My life pretty much sucked. What helped me through high school (besides reading and writing) was my goal of studying literature at university. I knew my life would get better when I was finally at university. And it did. Not immediately, but slowly, steadily. I finally got some friends and after I started being a part of the aspie community I got even more friends. I'm studying what I want, have loads of friends, aspie and nt, who support me and a girlfriend who loves me unconditionally. I'm not the shy, lonely girl I was in high school, I'm brave, outspoken and sure of myself. Remind your teens on the spectrum of their goals and dreams like: "I know your life sucks now, but think about it, in two years you'll be studying chemistry at university. Don't care what the other kids say about you, just focus on your goal"



Last edited by Heidi80 on 12 Aug 2012, 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

FalsettoTesla
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12 Aug 2012, 3:55 pm

This is great, but I have some nitpicks, specifically about yourself self-harm section.

You wrote

Heidi80 wrote:
it's really important to remember that a teen on the spectrum probably cuts him/herself for different reasons than a NT teen. So cutting (for aspies) is usually not attention-seeking or a sign of a serious mental illness, it's just a way to deal with overwhelming stress/emotions.


You're making a really incorrect insinuation here, that NT's mostly self-harm for attention. That's just untrue in general. For the majority of NT self-harmers, like those with an ASD, it's about emotional release. Also, I would say that it's nearly always an indicator of serious mental illness, because depression is serious.



Edited for clarification.



Last edited by FalsettoTesla on 12 Aug 2012, 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

brainfizz
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12 Aug 2012, 5:15 pm

FalsettoTesla wrote:
This is great, but I have some nitpicks, specifically about yourself self-harm section.

You wrote
Heidi80 wrote:
it's really important to remember that a teen on the spectrum probably cuts him/herself for different reasons than a NT teen. So cutting (for aspies) is usually not attention-seeking or a sign of a serious mental illness, it's just a way to deal with overwhelming stress/emotions.


You're making a really incorrect insinuation here, that NT's mostly self-harm for attention. That's just untrue in general. For the majority of NT self-harmers with an ASD) it's about emotional release. Also, I would say that it's nearly always an indicator of serious mental illness, because depression is serious.


I agree, self harm whether Aspie or not is about the same thing; horrible emotional pain and ways of coping with it, both NT and Aspie can have this situation arise and that horrible overwhelming feeling happens to both. Anyone who is self harming needs to get help from someone both for the physical wounds and the emotional inside.

Brilliant way of putting your experiences across and helping others with teenager children with Autism though x


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fefe333
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12 Aug 2012, 8:38 pm

I am a 14 year old female, (not officially diagnosed with ASD,but I most likely have it) and I agree with everything on this.

I don't know if you mentioned this, as I kind of spead readed it, but my mom doesn't seem to understand my need for alone time and space after a social gathering.she also tries to force me into different things, like camps and new schools (her only reason being that its a good opportunity to make more friends) when I really don't want to go, which causes major anxiety for me.she also underestimates my reasoning and my thought processes.

so if any parents of ASD children are reading this, please give your children time to calm down after being around a bunch of people, don't make big changes to there routine, and don't underestimate them.


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20 Aug 2012, 10:06 pm

I just wanted to say thank you for this. I have a 13-year-old HFA daughter, and I am going to try really hard to help her deal with these issues in a positive, encouraging way.



DW_a_mom
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21 Aug 2012, 1:22 am

fefe333 wrote:
I am a 14 year old female, (not officially diagnosed with ASD,but I most likely have it) and I agree with everything on this.

I don't know if you mentioned this, as I kind of spead readed it, but my mom doesn't seem to understand my need for alone time and space after a social gathering.she also tries to force me into different things, like camps and new schools (her only reason being that its a good opportunity to make more friends) when I really don't want to go, which causes major anxiety for me.she also underestimates my reasoning and my thought processes.

so if any parents of ASD children are reading this, please give your children time to calm down after being around a bunch of people, don't make big changes to there routine, and don't underestimate them.


Thank you for emphasizing that. To me it is so clear that my son needs his alone time, but I guess a lot of parents worry so much about their kids not practicing their social skills that they don't notice the child can't learn them when running on empty, and that socializing is draining for Aspies, while alone time allows recharging. For most NTs it is opposite: being around people is how they find strength, and many assume that it is true for their child, despite all the signs and statements to the contrary.


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21 Aug 2012, 6:27 am

Thank you Heidi and Fefe


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ASDMommyASDKid
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21 Aug 2012, 12:23 pm

I don't have a teenager yet, but I thank you for posting. It will remind me of what still is yet to come, and things I need to look out for.



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15 Dec 2014, 4:39 am

Thank you very much for posting this I have a fourteen year old girl with HFA and am doing all I can to learn and help and your information contributed to this . I am lucky to have found this place :D