HFA Woman and NT Fiance problems...advice anyone please?

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DragonFireWalker
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21 Aug 2012, 12:13 pm

Hi there Im new here, but not new to this site. Ive looked at this site once and a while over time but never joined. Why, I dont know really... I guess I didnt know if it was for me or not, busy etc? I should warn people, this may be long....

Anyways.. I really need others to talk to, vent etc. Ive been dealing with so much lately it's been very hard for me. Im not a judgemental person usually and understand greatly when others have various challenges etc. as well. Im going to share some things, and I dont know how some of you may react but out of respect on wanting to work with my relationship I just want to ask and talk to others who may have experienced simular issues. I ask anyone who wants to talk to please not just tell me to move on and leave, I really want to work on this relationship and my communication problems etc. Ive known about my HFA diagnoses for a little over 3 yrs now.

I am a 35 yr old woman. (Please forgive me if I talk too much, or ramble on...Ill try not too lol). Let me tell you a bit about myself and past relationships a bit first. I am currently a college student and have a variety of other degrees and certs. I have a massage degree, 3 certs in Herbalism/Botany, an minor in psych, a minor in biology, and it looks like Im double majoring in psychology and liberal arts & Sciences. (although the liberal arts thing was a suprise lol). All my life I have had a huge passion for animals (and plants), but have also developed a huge passion for medical aspects and behavior of humans as well, especially wierd and unusual things with people. My major interests are behavioral studies, mostly animals and certain disorders with people in psych. I am also a licensed wildlife rehaber (volunteer, not paid sadly) for over 12 yrs now with the DNR. In relation to all of these things, I truely love to study and practice natural, alternative and complementary therapies.

As for my past relationships..my first marraige I didnt understand who I truely was and why I have trouble with things, such as my other co-morbid disorders. Since grade school I always knew I was different but never knew why, I just learned to try to mimic others and fit in as best as possible. My first marraige lasted 7 yrs, till the last two I started to realize that I shouldnt have to pretend to be someone Im not...it was killing. Besides, my ex also was very controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive to me as well.

My second marraige ended unexpectedly and is still impacting things with my two older kids because of my first ex. I thought I had finally found my soul mate and that we would be together forever. He seemed to understand almost everything I had trouble with and we barely fought. We were married for nearly 6 yrs. Then last year I found out he was sexually abusing my eldest daughter since I met him...everything fell apart, I couldnt sleep for days, I had to force myself to eat etc. Support was very lacking at times, and now I dont have the support of my family for anything because they think I knew she was being abused but I choose to ignore it. I did not what so ever, but they will not listen or talk to me, so I have disconnected myself permanantly from them. I was also abused as a child, so these kind of accusations have been very hard on me.

Now my third serious relationship is quite different. I have been with him for over a year now and am engaged. I love him dearly and he is wonderful with my kids as he treats them like his own. He tells me he understands my disabilities, but many times I hear from him that I use my disabilities as an excuse too not do things as well. (A quick break down of what Ive been diagnosed with: HFA (my stims skin picking and body rocking), Chronic recurrent major depression, panic disorder, GAD anxiety, OCD, Fibromyalgia, IBS, nueropathy and arthritis. My fiance also has various disabilities that include: severe Type 1 diabetes (has had a few slight heart attacks), bipolar and intermittant explosive personality disorder. We both take meds, but I am the only one with consistant Psych. therapy..he has been refered to one as he moved in with me but hasnt set it up yet. I have mentioned it to him, but he tells me if I push him way too much he has a tendency not to do it.

The issues with my current relationship are complex... It was going very well in the beggining, but over time we have been fighting nearly non-stop. I now realize it has a lot to do with me misunderstanding him or others in what they are trying to tell me and I have huge tendencies to get overly protective if i feel I am being invalidated or wronged in some way. I am realising more and more that I do talk extremely obsessively about autism/disability awareness and medical stuff way too much. My faince is extremely pissed that I wont stop it and tells me it upsets other people in his family but are afraid to tell me because they dont want to hurt my feelings. I asked his mom and she mentioned it lightly but was afraid to talk to me about it. My fiance is one that tells things as he sees it no matter what and that can cause serious arguments and fights, which causes me to become extremely defensive. We had another extreme fight last night and we both talked about what we should do (its came down to a point these kinds of obsessive talk of mine is really pushing him away and he really wants to work things out but I need to learn to not constantly talk about those things constantly...its driving him and others nuts). He also wants me to learn to not talk during TV shows, as I always do...and wants me to help him teach the kids not to do so as well but its hard to if I keep doing it. I never knew this was an issue, nobody ever told me as I have obviosly been doing it most of my life until I met him and his family. I have strong connections with his family, its just my obsessive talking about disability and medical stuff that people are getting pissed off. Ive never dealt with this on such an extreme level, sure people have zoned me out but have never expressed such feeling so strongly...thus it has made me very deffensive and I dont want to be. My fiance tells me hes at a point he doesnt care about such things and doesnt want to hear them what so ever anymore because he hears about it everyday constantly. Im always talking about myself as well.

What can I do to improve my social skills with him and his family. How can I stop from constantly getting into my world and talking about things that people do not want to constantly hear about? I know it really is a problem, but how do I redirect it in other ways...so I dont keep pissing people off? Im not going to change my passions, I am who I am, but I do think it would be healthier to find a way to redirect them so I dont push people beyond what they can handle. I also can not post anything disability/medical or autism things on facebook either, but I am now using a seperate facebook account my fiance and his family are not on so I can express my awareness things etc. on that with others that dont mind seeing it and occationally talking about it.

I also asked him to do something for me as well...being that I am trying to work with the things that keep bothering him. I am asking that if we were to get into a discussion or if he gets into one of his rage fits that he please understand that I may need to occationally leave the room as his voice is too loud (people with his personality disorder as I have found out dont realize how loud they really get when they get into an anger fit over simple things at times and can get very verbal and not mean it). But sadly he said that would piss him off even more...his exes and mom used to do that to him. I tried to explain it makes my anxiety worse and hurts me physically, so I will need to do something to manage myself as well. I told him if not that, then I will more than likely shut down and not talk until things cool off... I dont know how thats going to work though, he just said whatever, he told me it was getting late and wasnt up to talking about these things anymore as he is currently at his moms for the week because she just had surgery.

Another thing is... if I need to express my needs to him, how do I do that so I dont ramble on about medical and autism stuff again. I think it has a lot to do with being invalidated so much in my life over things that I am in a constant flux as to whether people really get me or understand what I deal with etc.

Anyways... im so sorry to have rambled so long. I just have so much pent up things. I only have a few friends, my family is out of the picture... so I really feel alone with these things right now. Thanks for listening.

Tina



DragonFireWalker
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22 Aug 2012, 10:34 pm

Just wondering if anybody is around or seen my post?



peterd
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23 Aug 2012, 4:22 am

It's a sad story. Me I'm aspergers and type 1 diabetic so I've some background where you're coming from.

If you're aiming at a longish partnership, though, there's a lot running against you. Even though dialogue is a bit alien for autistics, it's probably going to take a lot of that for you to get through to a good outcome.

Learning to shut up when our buttons are pushed is always a hard one too. I wish you luck.



DragonFireWalker
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23 Aug 2012, 4:10 pm

peterd,

Thank you for your response. I know this one is going to be work. I have to be honest, any relationship Ive been in was work until a mutual understanding was gradually built up between both people. I understand what you mean. Learning to shut up when our buttons are pushed seems to be crucial here...I think that is another thing that can help in understanding each other much better. I also have a huge tendency to interupt conversations etc. way too easily, thus Im also trying to learn to curb that issue as it can cause major friction as well. Thanks again!



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12 Apr 2013, 9:39 pm

As far as the talking about things that others don't want to hear you talk about, I can sympathize with you. What ticks me off is that although I have understood this, when I see people, eventually they start asking me questions about those same things they claim I go on and on about. So, sometimes I try to just not say anything or answer quickly, but sure enough, they want to know more...so where do you stop? Not sure. I think maybe you need to just be conscious, which I know is a lot of work for me, and when people ask you any questions or you feel the urge to say something, just keep quiet. I know it is hard, as it is hard for me.

As far as the facebook, I have a similar problem. I have basically just changed my facebook settings so that most people do not even get my feeds...I too thought about having two different accounts, but hey, I have to listen to them BS about church all the time and I am respectful and just ignore it...not sure why I have to change who I am for them either. So to keep the peace, except for my very best friends, I have blocked from seeing my comments, etc.

Good luck. I know it is difficult as I am in a very similar situation. Big hugs! :lol:



MjrMajorMajor
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12 Apr 2013, 11:05 pm

I couldn't quite tell from your post, but make sure he meets you halfway on these issues. You shouldn't be the only one actively trying to make the relationship work. He should be finding ways to make sure he's meeting your needs also.