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LucikaSky
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08 Sep 2012, 3:24 pm

Hi, I am new to these forums. I apologize if this is a subject that has been brought up before. I am having trouble finding information on meltdowns in adults with aspergers and was hoping for a bit of personal experience input and suggestions. A little about my situation: I'm a 29 year old mother of three children ages five, seven and almost nine. My 31 year old live in boyfriend of more than two years was diagnosed officially with aspergers about a year and a half ago. He has terrible meltdowns that have become more frequent in the last year. I am scared for his safety because he hits himself in the head very hard many times over during these meltdowns. I fear he has caused brain damage. He sees a therapist and psychiatrist and takes medication. I don't know how to help him prevent these meltdowns and what to do once it happens. I need some advice. If anyone can share some insight that would be so appreciated. If you need more information to answer better please feel free to ask. I can go into greater detail if need be but for now I will try to keep this relatively short. Thanks for reading and responding.



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08 Sep 2012, 3:30 pm

In meltdowns it is most important to remove whatever drove him to it (loud noise or whatever). When I have a meltdown I just want to be left alone. The worst thing anyone can do is to talk to me or touch me in that moment, as it is just more sensory input. I need silence and space and some time to stim to calm down again.

Can you say what usually drives him to meltdowns? Usually he should be able to tell when he feels one coming. I always know when I'm close to a meltdown. It's still not possible to prevent them in most cases though.



izzeme
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08 Sep 2012, 3:37 pm

preventing meltdowns is indeed very hard and almost inpossible to do by anyone but the person having them.
you can minimise the chances by minimising the problematic input.

in my case, most meltdowns occur trough sounds, either loud or with epileptic frequency (easiest example: dubstep music), although i myself have had minor meltdowns from very offkey singing (on tv, watching the first round of idols).
to my knowledge, there is nothing anyone can do to get me out of a meltdown, aside from seeing that i'm using all my strength delaying one untill a situation where it's safe to explode; and then get me to that situation



LucikaSky
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08 Sep 2012, 3:46 pm

It could be anything that brings it on but typically it's related to him feeling negative toward himself about something he may have messed up on in some way. Sometimes it's when things don't go the way he wanted or expected. These things are far out of my control and I suppose his as well. He is very hard on himself. He has a very low opinion of himself. He says he hits himself because he feels he deserves to be punished. Today went like this. The kids woke up earlier than he wanted to be awake and I am very sick myself so it was a bit chaotic. Even though I am sick and even though he checks out when he's sick I still have to do at least my normal duties. It's stressful to me and he knows that but rather than try to take some of the Hudson while I am sick he always just shuts down. So because I am sick our plans to see his family today have been delayed until tomorrow. He said it was fine but I knew a meltdown was coming. I advised him to take the extra dose of medacine his doctor prescribes for times like this. He was ashamed Nd did not like hearing this from me even though I reassured him he did nothing wrong and I only wanted him to have a calm day. He agree and took the meds. He then went to the store for lunch and came home and offered to make lunch. I had the kids take a quiet time reading in their rooms. while he was washing a few dishes he dropped a glass and it broke. I knew this was the beginning of the end of holding himself together. I came over to help clean up the glass and asked him to move so I could sweep where he was standing and I immediately knew that he felt like he did something wrong by being where I needed to sweep I said its not a big deal calm down to which he clapped his hands screamed and then started pounding himself in the side of the head with an open hand as hard as he could while screaming. I asked him to go outside which he did do and continued for a minute and then took a while to calm himself down. He stood outside with his head down on the car hood. After he came in Nd ate lunch he went back to bed as he always does. He spends half at least of most days in bed but sleeps at night too. So now I'm sick with bronchitis (I also have congestive heart failure) with the three kids and house to care for on my own while he hides in bed. Asking him to help will only make things worse.



LucikaSky
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08 Sep 2012, 3:50 pm

Burdon not Hudson. Sorry I'm on my iPod and it isn't very easy to type on.



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08 Sep 2012, 4:07 pm

LucikaSky wrote:
It could be anything that brings it on but typically it's related to him feeling negative toward himself about something he may have messed up on in some way. Sometimes it's when things don't go the way he wanted or expected. These things are far out of my control and I suppose his as well. He is very hard on himself. He has a very low opinion of himself. He says he hits himself because he feels he deserves to be punished. Today went like this. The kids woke up earlier than he wanted to be awake and I am very sick myself so it was a bit chaotic. Even though I am sick and even though he checks out when he's sick I still have to do at least my normal duties. It's stressful to me and he knows that but rather than try to take some of the Hudson while I am sick he always just shuts down. So because I am sick our plans to see his family today have been delayed until tomorrow. He said it was fine but I knew a meltdown was coming. I advised him to take the extra dose of medacine his doctor prescribes for times like this. He was ashamed Nd did not like hearing this from me even though I reassured him he did nothing wrong and I only wanted him to have a calm day. He agree and took the meds. He then went to the store for lunch and came home and offered to make lunch. I had the kids take a quiet time reading in their rooms. while he was washing a few dishes he dropped a glass and it broke. I knew this was the beginning of the end of holding himself together. I came over to help clean up the glass and asked him to move so I could sweep where he was standing and I immediately knew that he felt like he did something wrong by being where I needed to sweep I said its not a big deal calm down to which he clapped his hands screamed and then started pounding himself in the side of the head with an open hand as hard as he could while screaming. I asked him to go outside which he did do and continued for a minute and then took a while to calm himself down. He stood outside with his head down on the car hood. After he came in Nd ate lunch he went back to bed as he always does. He spends half at least of most days in bed but sleeps at night too. So now I'm sick with bronchitis (I also have congestive heart failure) with the three kids and house to care for on my own while he hides in bed. Asking him to help will only make things worse.


Do you have any other family that could help you some? One of the troubles with AS is too much stress will cause meltdowns or shutdowns...I can't speak for everyone but I think many of us would handle more if we could. Also he's probably stressed over you being sick and then knowing he 'should' help more but being unable to because its too overwhelming. So maybe if there was someone else that could help that would be something to look into....other than family or maybe friends I don't know where you stand financially but maybe hiring someone to do some of the house work to take some of the strain off. Or your Husband could maybe talk to his doctor or therapist or whatever and maybe they would have some resources to help.

And just to point something out:
Quote:
It's stressful to me and he knows that but rather than try to take some of the Hudson while I am sick he always just shuts down


Its important you try to understand when someone with autism 'shuts down' its not that they aren't trying to take on more or whatever, its that they cannot handle it litterally. So while I think its important he works on steps to improve things, such as maybe come up with better plans of what to do and better ways to manage his stress to be more help to you....you'll also have to try to understand aspergers is not something one can just turn off. If anything a shut down or meltdown is a sign of trying to hard or taking on more than you can as to not dissapoint the other person.

Also though I know when I am having a moment, the worst thing someone can say to me is 'calm down' because the whole problem is I cannot calm down and would if I could.....so telling me 'calm down' only makes me feel like the other person is asking something impossible of me and then expecting it. So maybe he does not deal well with that particular wording either, for instance it might have been better to gently suggest he go take a minute for himself rather then going about like nothing happened and then saying to move...I can see how that could be taken wrong if someone is already getting flustered, and while you probably meant it wasn't a big deal to you and you weren't mad he could have taken it as 'its not a big deal so you're wrong to react that way' kind of thing.


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08 Sep 2012, 4:21 pm

I don't have any advice for you. I'm just wondering if you think his therapist is effective for him. If he has a therapist he should sign consent for you to be able to speak with the therapist. The fact that you are asking this on a forum is disturbing when it is about a situation that is literally going to take 30 years off your life span. Nobody can deal with this kind of stress for long. I would say the 1st thing to look at is depression, for both of you. It doesn't sound like his depression is being dealt with effectively and it can magnify everything else he's dealing with. You also may have clinical levels of depression, I think most people would in your situation.

This isn't just about him, it's about you too. If something happens to you what will happen to the kids? I don't know what your financial/insurance/medicare situation is but I would highly recommend you see a therapist for yourself to help you get through this. You have a strong maternal instinct but if you are dead or incapacitated you won't be taking care of him or the kids.

This forum is good for a lot of things but dealing with situations like yours isn't one of them. You need the help of a good professional to get through this.



LucikaSky
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08 Sep 2012, 4:47 pm

I dont think his therapist is very helpful at all but he refuses to see anyone different because he doesn't want to start over with someone new. Honestly ive only seen him get worse since starting to see this therapist but I'm not sure if it's the reason he's worse. He doesn't do things his therapist suggests because to him the things feel fake. Like writing in a journal or trying to tell himself good things about himself. I plan to start seeing a therapist soon myself.



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08 Sep 2012, 7:45 pm

I feel awful for both of you.

I'm a late diagnosed adult. I'm 44. I got diagnosed just this past July, and my girlfriend is probably also on the spectrum, though undiagnosed. We both have shutdowns, I think, and I've also had my share of meltdowns, I've come to realize, though perhaps not as visibly obvious or as frequent as what you describe. I feel horrible when I make mistakes or damage things, even though it's unintentional. If others behave badly, I feel guilty, as though I were the one misbehaving. When someone mistreats me, I'm indignant about it but also angry with myself for being someone others would treat that way, as though I deserved it. I know in my head that these reactions are inappropriate, but I can't seem to help them, even if I can often mask how I feel in order to protect others from having my feelings inflicted upon them. But don't lose hope. There are things that can help.

I find one of the best things to do to manage meltdowns and shutdowns is to work on certain things when I'm not melting down or shutting down. I have a meditation that I sometimes do in the morning, and I'm way better off on an ongoing basis if I'm regular about it. (I posted to comment about it in another thread. To read it, click here.) I also advise getting a couple of books to read and letting him know he can read them too, if he likes. I recommend Living Well on the Spectrum: How to Use Your Strengths to Meet the Challenges of Asperger Syndrome / High-Functioning Autism by Valerie L. Gaus, PhD and Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding & Connecting with Your Partner by Cindy N. Ariel, PhD to start with. He doesn't have to do the exercises in the books if he doesn't want to. Just reading will help him understand himself better.

Your husband may see changing therapists as a monumental undertaking and as more of a shift away from what's become familiar than he can manage. He may also see himself as deserving this therapist and as having no real right to object or go elsewhere. I don't know. Perhaps he even fears that, because the current one is bad, it can't be better anywhere else. It can be hard to imagine ever feeling good or having a good situation while in the midst of something bad. As strange as it may seem to you, he may even think that seeing a therapist whom he thinks pushes him sufficiently will force him to behave himself better and then get angry with himself for not responding in the way he thinks he should and improving enough. I hate to put more burden on you with something to add to your workload, but it might be better to generate a list yourself of other therapists for him to try and then to casually let him know you've been considering some other options you hope he'll be willing to review. He may find it easier to risk seeing someone new if the research has been done in advance and there's no pressure to change, just the opportunity and a choice he's free to make for himself. Doing the search on his own may be too overwhelming for him at this point, I'm sorry to say. You could try this approach and see what happens. (I'd hate it too if the best a therapist could tell me was to take notes on my day and my feelings and then also to deliver myself platitudes that felt empty to me because I felt bad about myself, so I understand why he doesn't like his current therapist!)

Oh, and to help ease things if something gets broken again, see if this approach helps: Very calmly and casually say something simple, such as, "It's all right. Let me protect your feet by sweeping that up. Are you able to take a big step aside from it so I can get in there to help you?" I know that may seem like coddling, but it's best not to seem distressed yourself. Thinking he's upset you may be the thing that makes him upset with himself. He may see himself as having made trouble, even though all you're really trying to do is help him. I think he melts down because he's afraid. If he still gets upset, you can try waiting until he feels better later to make brief and casual mention that you feel bad when you make mistakes too, so you understand. Even if that makes him sad again when you mention it, the comment may help him later on, after he's had time to think about it. His mental processing is not as quick as his emotional reactions, which will be black and white, as they say. Little things over time may sink in for him, and this may slowly help things get better.

In the meantime, I'm glad you're getting help for yourself. I sincerely hope your therapist knows a lot about being on the autism spectrum, so that you can get some good understanding and proper advice. Good luck to you. Be sure to post back here again to let us know how things are going and to get more support if you need it.


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rabidrabbit
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08 Sep 2012, 8:55 pm

I often found myself drinking or smoking marijuana to help stymie my meltdowns which were frequent when I got home from working retail jobs. Neither of these helped beyond giving me a task to complete and then knocking me out. The only thing that has worked for me has been to avoid the inciting event, which is usually when something diverges from how I've planned my day or the task at hand. Good luck. It might be something best left to him to deal with, with you supporting his choice to limit the amount of stress. It takes me a very long time to decided to go see a doctor, or to try a medication. He may be working on it in his head, but at his own speed.



LucikaSky
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09 Sep 2012, 12:08 am

He seems to like his therapist but I think that is based on that his therapist knows a lot about him but he fails to see that he doesn't seem to be making progress. He tends to think that the effort made to go to his session or to remember to take his meds on time should be enough to fix him and has not yet realized or become willing to accept that he needs to be doing things on his own too. His therapist tells him the same but as soon as he leaves the office then it's just the same as ever. I know it's hard for him to change and it is stressful for me to keek trying and failing to help him but I love him so much and this HAS to work and get better. I will do anything if it will help him to be happy again I just can't figure out how to do it or how to get him to find the rigt way for him. I have been to therapy with him and his therapist specializes in AS. He has also agreed quite willingly to go to couples therapy. I am debating on if we should do couples therapy with his current therapist or to add a new therapist to the mix just for couples therapy. I kind of want to start fresh but have him stil see his own therapist if he wants to. A huge source of his meltdowns and him being on edge all the time is that he can't find work and no one wants to give him a chance. We are struggling financially and it's really taking a huge toll. I am unable to work due to my health and no one will even give him a chance to work. I have actually worked with him before and I can honestly get why he's not a good fit most places but it's still just so unfair. I wish I could help him find work he loves and where peoPle appreciate and respect him. He's an amazing musician and he knows everything about all things music. The man graduated with a 3.8gpa bachelors degree with honors and no one wants to even give him an interview to be a janitor or work in a laundry room. It's so discouraging and I get why he's so miserable that he's on edge and freaks out. I get mad at him for his behavior and then feel like such a horible person because he can't help it. I just want us to be happy and I want him to feel good about himself. Some of the advice or observations people are making have been helpful. Thank you all.



LucikaSky
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09 Sep 2012, 12:24 am

Also he smokes marajuana often and he says it helps with anxiety but I think it just turns him into a non responsive useless person. He doesn't answer questions but then either says he thought he did respond when all he did was stare at the floor or says that he didn't know that it was a question. Then he will just keep saying ok which feels more like shut up. Not in a mean way but more like just cutting me off or shutting me down. Then he goes back to non responsive. He seems either confused or totally in a different world. Ive had conversations with him and my brother at times about repairs we asked my brother to do to his car as a favor and he tunes right out ern though we are talking about something to is to help or benefit him. I dont like it when he smokes during the day when he needs to be functioning and he agreed it was better for when the day was done and time to relax but then does it during the day anyway. When I ask about t he acts like its a one time random thing even though it's nearly all the time when he has he chance. I don't mind if he does it if it helps him relax but he can't just check out whenever he wants like that just because he feels like it. It's not even when he's upset so I don't accept the helps with anxiety excuse. If it were clearly when he was having a hard time I would say go for it but it's not the case. He gets upset like I'm taking something from him to be mean when all I ask is that he doesn't do it all the time during the day. He thinks it helps but it harms him because he can't get the things done even he wants to do.



legomyego
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09 Sep 2012, 1:23 am

in adults i believe shutdowns occur far more often then meltdowns, because as we get older we have become better at coping.
however i do have meltdowns and when i do they are far more hidden from the those around me as i go to a room and hit myself as hard as i can or break something or hit my head on a wall...something destructive...=/ no good for sure and makes me feel quit worthless afterward.



LucikaSky
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09 Sep 2012, 7:10 am

Today I am still sick and was facing the dilemma of having to choose between staying home to try to feel better or going to visit his parents so he didn't get upset and have another bad day. If we all stayed home he would make things miserable for me on top of still feeling sick. So I decided the kids and I would stay home and he would go. It's pretty bad I thought when having another adult home when you are sick is more stressful than taking care of three kids on my own while sick. For a brief moment I realized that our relationship had finally reached the point of being more work than it was worth. Where he was no longer contributing positively to our family. And then the most amazing thing happened. He took me aside and asked me if it was okay if he could take the kids with him so I could stay home and rest. I was shocked. I could not believe it. I started crying like a fool because I had no words and then I cried again because of how sad it was that I was crying over this. He never does things like this. He's normally so selfish and if I over think this I will realize that he is still being selfish because he wants to show off my kids to his aunt and uncle who want to see them. But I'm not going to think about that and enjoy the glory that is an empty house. I can't even remember the last time I was alone in my own house. God I hope I can sleep today with how excited I am about this! He should have a good day too. He's standing ten feet tall right now with his chest puffed because he knows he did a good thing.



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09 Sep 2012, 3:42 pm

LucikaSky wrote:
He doesn't answer questions but then either says he thought he did respond when all he did was stare at the floor or says that he didn't know that it was a question. .


My partner says I do this also. I don't use any recreational drugs.


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09 Sep 2012, 4:17 pm

BrokenBill wrote:
LucikaSky wrote:
He doesn't answer questions but then either says he thought he did respond when all he did was stare at the floor or says that he didn't know that it was a question. .


My partner says I do this also. I don't use any recreational drugs.

I do this a lot too