Don't Tease Me.

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Is it just me, or is there anyone else here who has a problem with not understanding why NT's tease? Personally I have always had a problem with taking things literally. People get mad at me because of it. I don't understand why anyone would go out of their way to say something untrue to someone they supposedly love and care about. Do NT's not understand how hurtful this teasing is? They say they do it playfully, or affectionately. In my eyes playing does not cause anyone to cry, or try to defend themselves against untruths. Affection means saying "I love you.", or hugging the person you love. It does not mean saying something untrue just to rile someone up and then laugh at them. This is bullying. It is mean and does not have love in it. I simply do not understand. I am considered to be an NT by most people I know.

I understand some of it, some of it baffles me.

I can't explain it though.

It's not just you. I will never understand the humor in teasing.

I never got it either. In the last few years I have started to be able to judge when something is good natured versus mean, but I still have to pause and think about it with most people. If it is someone I have learned and trust, I know it is good natured. Anyone else and it's harder to figure it out.

I've learnt that when it's my family or my close friends, they usually don't mean to be hurtful. But the feeling of what they say still hurts. I'll still experience an initial flare of anger or sadness and I have to consciously remind myself that they aren't really criticising me. If someone else says something like that, I'll end up mulling it over the whole day to try to figure out if they're mad at me or if it was just teasing. It's a horrible feeling.

I remember an incident going back to my grade school days about bullying and teasing. There's sometihng that one of my teachers said that I still remember her saying to this day. It goes like this:

That being said, I see it as a way to boost friendships within a particular circle of friends, and I personally will only partake in it if it's about someone in the group, the person we're talking about is there, and everyone knows it's all light-hearted jokes and not to be taken seriously. Otherwise, the OP is right - anything outside of that to me is bullying.

I've never liked it, when I was growing up I was always made fun of by other people, it didn't matter what I did, it never changed.
So when people do it, even in "good fun", I see it as everyone getting a laugh at my expense, which is no different than the torture I endured from others while growing up and I don't want to be reminded of that.
Yet somehow, no-one understands that.
Seriously though, how hard is it to understand not wanting to be reminded of something bad that happened in the past?

I don't like it or understand it. I don't say anything, of course, because the only people that tease me are my grandparents who don't believe in Asperger's. I don't partake in it, however, and my parents and old friends know better than to try.

I was in my 20s before I figured out that if somebody said something to me that sounded mean, I should laugh (even if it wasn't remotely funny).

I have poor impulse control when it comes to the words that flow out of my mouth. This sometimes results in me saying things that can be misconstrued. Well aware of this, my wife periodically finds it amusing to pretend she's deeply offended by something I said. Several agonizing minutes of anxiety and explanation can go by before I come to the realization that she's messing with me. The problem is that about a third of the time she isn't joking. It's okay to tease and be teased but I sure wish she'd let me in on the joke a little earlier on.

In person, I can recognize if someone is just joking around because they know me and not intentionally making fun of me, I do it to other people all the time myself. But anyone that doesn't know me that says it in a mean or demeaning context tends to get a backlash from me that makes them look like they're 2 lol. Normally because I point out how immature it really is to make fun of someone for something like a disability while demeaning them in the process

I can't tell if teasing is meant to be mean or not and it doesn't really matter since it hurts either way.

One example is when people call me "smiley" because I don't smile much.

I am guilty of doing this and I don't think it's an NT thing unless it's a trait I have. I like to be humorous and funny so I tell jokes. I have seen other people on the spectrum do jokes too and my own aspie friends like my humor and I knew one who had her own sense of humor.

Only time teasing upsets me is if I am having a serious talk and the other person is just joking around. It feels like they are being rude and disrespectful because they are not taking me seriously. Same as if they do it all the time and it's hard to tell when they are being serious and I can't take them seriously anymore so I take everything they say as a joke. Not seriously. But yet my ex boyfriend wouldn't knock it off when he did it and he did it too much. He expected me to just get it after a while and wouldn't understand I take things literal and I actually stop listening to people when they are never serious. Then he get mad at me for taking his teasing seriously after he knew I take things literal.

I do light teasing but in a way that people know that i respect them. Most don't take that extra effort sadly, they just expect you to know.

Edit: I didn't know when people were teasing in the past and it upset me then.

Last edited by SanityTheorist on 03 Nov 2012, 3:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Teasing doesn't bother me anymore. I can now tell when someone is teasing and when they aren't, so I know how to take it and how to react. Most people who tease each other say things that they know the other will find funny, even if the other one has to pretend to take offense to it so they can tease back.

I do sometimes forget that other aspies who are younger may not have had as long to learn about this as I have. My one real life face to face aspie friend who is in his early 20s and my kids friend, works at the grocery store. I was in his line one day and we were chatting while he was ringing me up. He was saying how he worked through lunch. My younger daughter picked up a snickers and said "Will you buy me this?" and I nodded and my friend looked at me and said "Will you buy me one too?" in a serious manner. I looked at him in mock horror and said "Why no! You aren't allowed candy on the job!" and he stopped and looked afraid that he had offended me. I laughed and said "Of course I will, you want me to run to McDonalds for you while I'm out? I seriously don't mind" and he said yes and then told me "Yeah it took me a minute to figure out you were kidding. I thought you were mad at me". I told him "You have ate at my house so much that you know I never get mad when somebody asks me for food". He does ok with teasing with his friends, because he's learned their cues and such. He had not learned mine at that time, so he didn't know.

Other way round works best for me. Else you'd be just bullied frequently. (Talking from exp. here)

Whether intentional or not... I agree that no-one sees the pain.