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Stinkypuppy
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15 Dec 2006, 5:51 pm

Corvus wrote:
I only stop talking to people for 2 reasons and 1 of them isnt a good one:
2) A girl doesn't like me - there are 'feeling' associated with this that I cannot deal with.. If they are around, as much as I ... potentially love them, they must go for my sanity and reliefs sake. If I could deal with it, and I dont know why I cant (maybe because I've never had luck there so maybe I DO know why) I'd want them near me.. I've never had a girl as a friend, not since grade 1 (and I'm 24 so).. Well, DIRECT friend.. I've always known a few

I totally hear ya. It's probably one of the big reasons my friend didn't want me around, because he himself did not know how to deal with or confront his own feelings. One, he was teased considerably about appearing gay, and he had told me earlier how it was ok for other people to be gay, but it was not ok for him to be it. And I think his being teased about his behavioral idiosyncrasies and his poor self-esteem would make it really difficult for him to deal with having feelings for another guy. So since he is unable to deal with the situation without considering the possibility that he is interested in guys, it's easier just to eliminate the other person. Hmm that might be why he always used to try to act like all of his "friends" (they seemed goodtime friends to me) supported him the way I did (and I knew they did not, otherwise he wouldn't always be going to me for help!)... maybe he was just trying to tell himself that, trying to trivialize my significance in his life. Sorry, I'm talking to myself!

Anyway, the reason you gave for #2 might not be a good one, but it sounds realistic and it happens fairly frequently. That's not to say that it's the ideal solution, but it's one way to cope with how you feel about her not having the same feelings towards you. The same way that my friend copes with how he feels about me, it's just that in my case it's not that I don't have the same feelings towards him, it's that he questions whether it is even good and safe to feel what he feels. It's interesting that probably you are the opposite of a stalker to the girl you have feelings for, in a way you seem to want to avoid her... the closer you are to her emotionally, the more you'll want to get away from her physically. Yeah I think I've been both in that position and a recipient of such behavior, so I understand it very much.


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Corvus
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15 Dec 2006, 6:22 pm

I'm going home for Christmas. I dont know if 'hope' placed this thought in my head, but she has inquired when I'll be home. I've never given an exact date, just 'Christmas.' She also messaged me last week, after not talking to me for a week, and asked 'are you in home?' I said 'no' and she just said 'oh.' Our conversations are short, I make her laugh, very friendly, laid back, but not what either of us would consider 'much a friendship' as we both need people we can trust and be ourselves around. (in other words, we enjoy FRIENDS not ASSOCIATES)

I've had many thoughts on this. She told me she has trouble finding people that would date her. At the time I wanted to, she had a boyfriend. I've read that she doesn't have anyone or can't find a date, right now. Whether its them not wanting her or her not finding someone, I do not know. Sometimes, 'hope' makes me think she may be interested in me. Sometimes, I think I am a last resort or some form of rebound. Then the other times, I know i'm just coming up with scenario's on things that may not even happen. Basically, I'm jumping the gun - she hasn't even asked to hang out, yet, so why would any of those scenario's even apply?

My logic of not seeing her is horribly flawed - I know that - the reason its illogical is because I'm basing the decision out of feeling which is 'illogical' at times ANYWAYS (intellectual decision making = logical, feeling decision making CAN be logical but has potential of being illogical). I'm afraid if I view everything from an intellectual level my 'feelings' will be destroyed and I dont want them to (but I do from all the pain it causes me (catch 22, eh?)).

The thing is, if I do not see her when I go home, then what? Am I to keep msning her with the knowledge I will never see her again, and if so, why bother? Everyone I talk to, except for 1 person, I will make efforts to see when I'm around (I'm many miles from home (like 'across the country,' far)). I KNOW she is like this, she told me once I was one of the few people she would hang around with 'solo' outside of her boyfriend, at the time.

Everytime I talk of this, I realize I'm relying on hope but then some facts stand out. Maybe I want them to? Anyways, I"m kind of talking to myself but feel free to comment ;)



Corvus
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15 Dec 2006, 7:35 pm

Scratch my whining, incoherent post up above.

I had a massive revelation while in a mild meditation. I'll type it out later

I had a thought, a great one, actually.

I also can prove why obsessing over someone is better then the alternative :D :D :D :D

i'M scared to even post what else I've come up with



Stinkypuppy
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15 Dec 2006, 7:58 pm

Corvus wrote:
I'm going home for Christmas. I dont know if 'hope' placed this thought in my head, but she has inquired when I'll be home. I've never given an exact date, just 'Christmas.' She also messaged me last week, after not talking to me for a week, and asked 'are you in home?' I said 'no' and she just said 'oh.' Our conversations are short, I make her laugh, very friendly, laid back, but not what either of us would consider 'much a friendship' as we both need people we can trust and be ourselves around. (in other words, we enjoy FRIENDS not ASSOCIATES)

Yeah I can totally understand the part about hope. When I think about stuff like this, I often wonder too how much of my analysis is "wishful thinking," something that I really want to believe but I don't really know if I have the evidence to support it. What I am wondering though, is the part where you said that neither of you would consider what you have as "much a friendship." So my question to you is, do you trust her? Does she trust you? Are you yourself around her, and is she herself around you? I ask about those things because you mentioned specifically that you and she need people to trust and to be yourselves around. Also, while it's true that you will enjoy friends and not so much associates, I notice that I have much more meaningful, emotional relationships with people that I actually do not have the most fun with. It seems really odd, but in my experience it's always been like that. Does she have AS? I'm sorry if you mentioned it earlier, I don't remember if you said it. I wrote quite a bit about the close friendships thing very recently, in another thread... hmm which one was it... trouble relating to self-diagnosed husband (Jay) here in the Love and Dating forum. It might seem strange to think that I keep those emotionally closest to me further away than those I'm not really attached to, but it's always been that way for me, and it could be a personal space issue, or something else. Just wanted to say that although you might seem more distant, the emotional reality may actually be quite different. AS thing I guess!

Quote:
I've had many thoughts on this. She told me she has trouble finding people that would date her. At the time I wanted to, she had a boyfriend. I've read that she doesn't have anyone or can't find a date, right now. Whether its them not wanting her or her not finding someone, I do not know. Sometimes, 'hope' makes me think she may be interested in me. Sometimes, I think I am a last resort or some form of rebound. Then the other times, I know i'm just coming up with scenario's on things that may not even happen. Basically, I'm jumping the gun - she hasn't even asked to hang out, yet, so why would any of those scenario's even apply?

Maybe you are a last resort and maybe you aren't. Or maybe she considers you as the person to go to when she needs help. Maybe she is too shy to tell you directly how she feels. It's a lot of maybes! I think that (maybe :roll: :lol:) it's better just to keep the communication lines open. She doesn't have a boyfriend, but she does seem interested in you in at least a platonic sense, otherwise she wouldn't be talking to you in the first place. So just go with it. Be yourself, and ask her how she's been doing. You could even broach the topic of her ex-boyfriend if you really want to, and if you are very careful about it. I think it's a fair question to ask, especially if done under the guise of a "question from a friend who just wants to catch up on all the latest news." That way you can try to gauge what she's looking for now.

Quote:
My logic of not seeing her is horribly flawed - I know that - the reason its illogical is because I'm basing the decision out of feeling which is 'illogical' at times ANYWAYS (intellectual decision making = logical, feeling decision making CAN be logical but has potential of being illogical). I'm afraid if I view everything from an intellectual level my 'feelings' will be destroyed and I dont want them to (but I do from all the pain it causes me (catch 22, eh?)).

"Logic sometimes being illogical" is something I sincerely believe in! So I know what you mean. You're worried that you're going to destroy any semblance of a friendship with her if you meet with her and declare your interest in her. However, at the same time you're kinda hoping that if she would only just go away, you could forget her. But if she went away and you forgot her, then your friendship with her is going to end anyway! So the logic I present to you now is, you have two courses of action: #1 ignore her or perhaps push her away, and have a 100% chance of ending the friendship; #2 meet with her and if she's receptive, let her know how you feel about her, and this option has some % chance of blossoming into something good for both of you, some % chance that your friendship will remain unaffected, and some % chance that the friendship will weaken or end. Which option would you like to pursue?

Quote:
The thing is, if I do not see her when I go home, then what? Am I to keep msning her with the knowledge I will never see her again, and if so, why bother? Everyone I talk to, except for 1 person, I will make efforts to see when I'm around (I'm many miles from home (like 'across the country,' far)). I KNOW she is like this, she told me once I was one of the few people she would hang around with 'solo' outside of her boyfriend, at the time.

Not seeing her, and continuing to MSN are just stalling tactics, because making the decision is scary. In the end though, you'll have to face your fears.

Quote:
Everytime I talk of this, I realize I'm relying on hope but then some facts stand out. Maybe I want them to?

Hope helps us to get through some very difficult times. I wish you the best of luck! :D It could be worse... at least you don't have to deal with waiting for a person to come out of the closet... :roll:


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Stinkypuppy
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15 Dec 2006, 8:01 pm

Corvus wrote:
Scratch my whining, incoherent post up above.

I had a massive revelation while in a mild meditation. I'll type it out later

I had a thought, a great one, actually.

I also can prove why obsessing over someone is better then the alternative :D :D :D :D

i'M scared to even post what else I've come up with

Oh :lol: I posted my long response thing and then saw this, haha. I'm very interested to hear of your revelation, though!


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