Are Aspies More Attached To The People They Love?
I think love and dating is complex no matter who you are.
Exactly!!
And just a bit of advice... Ask him what he is feeling I know that is not the way we do it as NT/NT but I have found that nothing is more upsetting to my boyfriend than when I assume his feelings... except when I assume them and get them wrong. "Don't tell me what I feel because there is nothing I can do to change your mind and I am not going to try" He is SERIOUS about this one! I can say however... "When you do XYZ it makes ME feel that you are feeling...... is that what you are feeling?" Which essentially is what we mean when we say it the way we NT's typically do.. "you don't XYZ you don't love me" is a question in our minds not a statement but to them (and strictly speaking) it is a statement not a question. An NT understands that you are "supposed to" then say "I do love you" I can not tell you how many times I got even more hurt before I knew he was AS when he would say "well then there is nothing I can do to change your mind" because I heard "you are righ, I don't love you" in that statement. The longer you are on this site the more you will come to see how really weird we NT's are when you break it down. We talk in secret code but there are several "dialects" and so we interperated those codes in all sorts of crazy ways leading to the most disfunctional relationships ever simply due to misunderstandings. I am starting to think the "diagnosis" of NT is a bit of a social retardation "delay the development or progress of an action" if you really think about it. And then it is the Aspies that are described as having social difficulties... kinda makes me giggle.
re·tard /rɪˈtɑrd, for 1–3
verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
verb (used without object)
2. to be delayed.
noun
3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance
I once had a partner ask me what was I doing with them, if I wasn't ever going to love them. I was confused because I hadn't said that. If I said "I don't love you" it meant that at that moment in time, I didn't. I couldn't predict the future. I also hadn't said 'i will never love you". Love for me is not a constant emotion, like no other emotion is. I actually have a very hard time defining love anyway. But if I say that to an NT they don't understand and can sometimes get angry.
In my current relationship I once told my bf "I hate you right now". He was surpassed but totally understood it was at that precise moment, and it didn't mean it would last. Today we had an argument over email and he told me he was pissed off with me. That didn't upset me at all whereas an NT friend of mine who was with me at the time and whom I told this, said she would be really upset if she heard that from her bf. I know, like myself, he just needs time to calm down and then he will be fine again. It doesn't bother me at all.
MXH
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Joined: 28 Jul 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,057
Location: Here i stand and face the rain
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