Are Aspies More Attached To The People They Love?

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MrXxx
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16 Nov 2012, 8:01 am

Civ001 wrote:
I would like to know this because I have had several crushes in my life and when I think about a girl who I like I tend to obsess about her more. I am not so sure if this is a AS thing where we tend to be more obessed but I kind of go way to far with my crushes. I don't know why but I just do. I guess since I am new to the whole relationship thing that I might be. What do you think?


No offense, but your subject line is [unintentionally] a bit misleading. There's a difference between "attachment" and "obsession." I get attached, but not obsessed.


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sisterphoenix
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16 Nov 2012, 11:40 am

Dantac wrote:
absolutely.

Attached as in the sense that one does not take that loved one for granted (as is sadly what I see most NT's behave .. but then again this is just my observation).


I'm an NT in a new-ish relationship with a AS. I've dated a lot in the last 5 years since my husband died, and as an older adult, I'm learning that everyone, regardless of where they might sit on the spectrum, attaches as different rates, and loves differently. I am cautious, but think I could love fiercely when I feel it is "safe" and my fierce love will be returned. It is interesting that you raise the question, as sometimes it is hard for me to "see" that my AS boyfriend loves me. I rely on very different clues to feel and internalize his affection than an NT/NT relationship.

I think love and dating is complex no matter who you are.



aspiesandra27
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16 Nov 2012, 12:03 pm

Stalk:

Yes. Reason being, because I honestly believe that living together with someone just kills the passion.



LoriB
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16 Nov 2012, 12:20 pm

sisterphoenix wrote:
Dantac wrote:

I think love and dating is complex no matter who you are.


Exactly!!

And just a bit of advice... Ask him what he is feeling ;) I know that is not the way we do it as NT/NT but I have found that nothing is more upsetting to my boyfriend than when I assume his feelings... except when I assume them and get them wrong. "Don't tell me what I feel because there is nothing I can do to change your mind and I am not going to try" He is SERIOUS about this one! I can say however... "When you do XYZ it makes ME feel that you are feeling...... is that what you are feeling?" Which essentially is what we mean when we say it the way we NT's typically do.. "you don't XYZ you don't love me" is a question in our minds not a statement but to them (and strictly speaking) it is a statement not a question. An NT understands that you are "supposed to" then say "I do love you" I can not tell you how many times I got even more hurt before I knew he was AS when he would say "well then there is nothing I can do to change your mind" because I heard "you are righ, I don't love you" in that statement. The longer you are on this site the more you will come to see how really weird we NT's are when you break it down. We talk in secret code but there are several "dialects" and so we interperated those codes in all sorts of crazy ways leading to the most disfunctional relationships ever simply due to misunderstandings. I am starting to think the "diagnosis" ;) of NT is a bit of a social retardation "delay the development or progress of an action" if you really think about it. And then it is the Aspies that are described as having social difficulties... kinda makes me giggle.

re·tard   /rɪˈtɑrd, for 1–3
verb (used with object)
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
verb (used without object)
2. to be delayed.
noun
3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance



aspiesandra27
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16 Nov 2012, 12:57 pm

I once had a partner ask me what was I doing with them, if I wasn't ever going to love them. I was confused because I hadn't said that. If I said "I don't love you" it meant that at that moment in time, I didn't. I couldn't predict the future. I also hadn't said 'i will never love you". Love for me is not a constant emotion, like no other emotion is. I actually have a very hard time defining love anyway. But if I say that to an NT they don't understand and can sometimes get angry.

In my current relationship I once told my bf "I hate you right now". He was surpassed but totally understood it was at that precise moment, and it didn't mean it would last. Today we had an argument over email and he told me he was pissed off with me. That didn't upset me at all whereas an NT friend of mine who was with me at the time and whom I told this, said she would be really upset if she heard that from her bf. I know, like myself, he just needs time to calm down and then he will be fine again. It doesn't bother me at all.



MXH
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16 Nov 2012, 1:04 pm

everyone is more attracted to someone you love. its one of the sideeffects of love