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Watilla
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23 Nov 2012, 7:11 pm

nebrets wrote:
Many times I am told that "It is not your fault, you do not need to apologize", even if sometimes (the getting in the way of another person) is my fault.


This suggests to me that the "No need to apologize" comments may well be habit/automatic, just like the "Sorry".



charlulz
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24 Nov 2012, 9:41 am

Been struggling with the same thing for quite a while now. "sorry" always comes out of my mouth, sometimes im unaware that it does. It really drives me insane.


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ThinkingMonkey
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24 Nov 2012, 10:32 am

I used to do this. And yes it was exactly like what you described "it is so ingrained over the years, it is habitual.". Yes, I have also been told "It is not your fault, you do not need to apologize"

What stopped me from doing it :

People started perceiving that I could be taken advantage of and so they did. They did not even heed to my uncomfortableness. They just pushed the favours(usually things like math, programming, computer repair, chores(rarely) etc) upon me. This used to take up a lot of my time!

I thought that this was probably because of the non-assertive nature of mine. I started saying 'no' bluntly to their requests.

So, the old ones stopped asking for favours. But, new ones started to spring up. And for some of them the "blunt no" was not enough! They started getting their way with me again. Probably, by manipulating me.

After giving it a lot of thought, I thought may be I come across as a guy who is easily manipulated and could be taken advantage of. This lead me to the fact of me apologizing too much.

I stopped thinking that my intentions will or might be misconstrued. And even it was misconstrued, it did not really matter as most of the people were my acquaintances. I made it a point to stop apologizing. Slowly and steadily this worked :). Although it has not completely stopped. Once in a while it comes out. But, that is fine.

What helped me to stop apologizing is obsessively-not-apologizing. I think I used aspergers to my advantage.



Last edited by ThinkingMonkey on 24 Nov 2012, 3:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Logicalmom
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24 Nov 2012, 10:56 am

ThinkingMonkey wrote:
I used to do this. And yes it was exactly like what you described "it is so ingrained over the years, it is habitual.". Yes, I have also been told "It is not your fault, you do not need to apologize"

What stopped me from doing it :

People started perceiving that I could be taken advantage of and so they did. They did not even heed to my comfortableness. They just pushed the favours(usually things like math, programming, computer repair, chores(rarely) etc) upon me. This used to take up a lot of my time!

I thought that this was probably because of the non-assertive nature of mine. I started saying 'no' bluntly to their requests.

So, the old ones stopped asking for favours. But, new ones started to spring up. And for some of them the "blunt no" was not enough! They started getting their way with me again. Probably, by manipulating me.

After giving it a lot of thought, I thought may be I come across as a guy who is easily manipulated and could be taken advantage of. This lead me to the fact of me apologizing too much.

I stopped thinking that my intentions will or might be misconstrued. And even it was misconstrued, it did not really matter as most of the people were my acquaintances. I made it a point to stop apologizing. Slowly and steadily this worked :). Although it has not completely stopped. Once in a while it comes out. But, that is fine.

What helped me to stop apologizing is obsessively-not-apologizing. I think I used aspergers to my advantage.


Brilliant, thank you - and I love your last line! That is such a good strategy - use what you've got. I am taken advantage of and I never made the connection to "apologizing". This is very insightful, thank you!



r84shi37
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24 Nov 2012, 11:12 am

My dad gets really mad when I apologize. I still say sorry for everything. I think it's gotten better since my dad has gotten... mad when I say sorry.


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ThinkingMonkey
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24 Nov 2012, 11:24 am

Logicalmom wrote:
ThinkingMonkey wrote:
I used to do this. And yes it was exactly like what you described "it is so ingrained over the years, it is habitual.". Yes, I have also been told "It is not your fault, you do not need to apologize"

What stopped me from doing it :

People started perceiving that I could be taken advantage of and so they did. They did not even heed to my comfortableness. They just pushed the favours(usually things like math, programming, computer repair, chores(rarely) etc) upon me. This used to take up a lot of my time!

I thought that this was probably because of the non-assertive nature of mine. I started saying 'no' bluntly to their requests.

So, the old ones stopped asking for favours. But, new ones started to spring up. And for some of them the "blunt no" was not enough! They started getting their way with me again. Probably, by manipulating me.

After giving it a lot of thought, I thought may be I come across as a guy who is easily manipulated and could be taken advantage of. This lead me to the fact of me apologizing too much.

I stopped thinking that my intentions will or might be misconstrued. And even it was misconstrued, it did not really matter as most of the people were my acquaintances. I made it a point to stop apologizing. Slowly and steadily this worked :). Although it has not completely stopped. Once in a while it comes out. But, that is fine.

What helped me to stop apologizing is obsessively-not-apologizing. I think I used aspergers to my advantage.


Brilliant, thank you - and I love your last line! That is such a good strategy - use what you've got. I am taken advantage of and I never made the connection to "apologizing". This is very insightful, thank you!


Welcome. All the best for warding it off.



unduki
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24 Nov 2012, 11:33 am

I say I'm sorry, Thank you and No worries way too much. It bothers me when others do this so I try to catch myself. I have to think in terms of limiting my utterance of these phrases to twice per encounter. Keeping track is one of my specialties - I'm very anal. Self regulation is my responsibility. I work very hard not to burden others with my "quirkiness" and my "rules" are for myself, only. I don't hold others to my standards - until they want to exchange bodily fluids or handle my money.

Unless I'm with people I know well, who know me, I treat encounters with others as if I were on a stage. Everything is carefully scripted and by the numbers (I am a student of Miss Manners) - in a casual sort of way. Unless I get upset about something, most acquaintances will describe me as a very laid back person. I'm ok with that.

This is what works for me - coping here for over 50 years without a clue. This could all be the wrong thing to do. I often feel stifled by all the rules and there are still people who hate me. I don't like being hated but I'm not sure what to do differently.


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Jabberwokky
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24 Nov 2012, 2:16 pm

What you said (ThinkingMonkey) about how apologising all the time is linked to being manipulated touched a connection about my life that I hadn't made. Being used and abused by people manipulating me to do things has been a lifelong problem. My immediate thought is exactly as you sa;, that I have really do want to be accepted and valued and I have done this historically by doing everything in my power to please others (with apologising all the time as a commitment to always try harder). No wonder they keep at me for things.

The whole issue of being loaded with things by other people has come to a head in my work life on several very painful occasions. In the last two years (for example) I got to the point were in an open work meeting I just downed tools and openly stated that I was not going to continue with the jobs as they are. I simply refused and said that if that was a problem, then I would resign and leave with immedate effect. Fortunately, things improved immediately. If it hadn't, I might be unemployed today.


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ThinkingMonkey
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24 Nov 2012, 3:24 pm

Jabberwokky wrote:
What you said (ThinkingMonkey) about how apologising all the time is linked to being manipulated touched a connection about my life that I hadn't made. Being used and abused by people manipulating me to do things has been a lifelong problem. My immediate thought is exactly as you sa;, that I have really do want to be accepted and valued and I have done this historically by doing everything in my power to please others (with apologising all the time as a commitment to always try harder). No wonder they keep at me for things.

The whole issue of being loaded with things by other people has come to a head in my work life on several very painful occasions. In the last two years (for example) I got to the point were in an open work meeting I just downed tools and openly stated that I was not going to continue with the jobs as they are. I simply refused and said that if that was a problem, then I would resign and leave with immedate effect. Fortunately, things improved immediately. If it hadn't, I might be unemployed today.

:). good to know you worked out your work problem.



sillycat
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24 Nov 2012, 3:52 pm

I get this alot....... my brother made a joke that if ever I was pulled over by a cop. I'd drive them crazy that I'd be let go by saying sorry alot. People especially bosses give me the weird "it's ok" look, when I'm too sorry.

This might come from the feedback that some get when our clumsiness or our "wrong planet-ness" (being artistically awkward) has frustrated some people. The only difference is that we're trying...