some aspie women get dates,other aspie women can't

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Goddessx
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20 Dec 2012, 2:37 pm

MXH wrote:
looks are all about presentation. Ever heard the term "diamond in the rough"?


Absolutely.. presentation plays a very vital role in attraction. Physical features also play a role however, and we'd be pretty blind to think for a moment that they don't..

But having said that; of course, everyone has a certain type of person that they are most drawn to.

I believe genetic compatibility is an important part of attraction in the end -- which would explain why most of us have at least one or two things that STRONGLY turn us off about another person's features/appearance..



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20 Dec 2012, 8:52 pm

I work with the public nearly every day, as the fitness floor supervisor at an affluent local gym (ugh :evil:). Because I'm in the spotlight, as it were, for the entirety of every work shift, I have to be (read: play at being) funny, outgoing, charming, witty, engaging, friendly, knowledgeable, helpful, etc., etc., ad nauseam. I interact with folks of all ages and personality types. During my workweek shifts, the clientele mainly consists of retirees and geriatric folks; the weekend population is more of a mix of ages and backgrounds.

Owing to the nature of my job, I *have* to smile and say hello - at the very least - to everyone who walks onto the fitness floor. I talk to literally hundreds of people each week. I call it my "daily therapy," because, left to my own devices, I'd be a hermit, with the 'net being my sole source of human interaction. The stress of "pretending to be normal" is exhausting.

Every day, some older male or female compliments me on my appearance in some way, whether it's my hair, my complexion, my smile, or my physique. I try to take the compliments in stride, even though they embarrass me horribly. In a nutshell, I'm 6'1", fit, and nerdy-but-pretty; I'm 44, but generally "pass" as 28-32 because my skin's flawless. Folks routinely ask me if I model or have modeled.

Old men, some goofy and some creepy, flirt with me regularly. At least, I think they're flirting - I can't tell. But I digress. Teenagers apparently find me attractive (I guess?), because I often find them staring at me; one high school senior sought me out to chat every time he visited the gym last year, and once blurted out that he "didn't care that I was 30, or whatever (HA! :wink:)." Before anyone gets up in arms: I'm amoral, but I do live by a strict personal code of ethics that prevented me from even thinking about pursuing anything with the kid in question.

I'm what's known in today's ignorant parlance as a "cougar" - but in my case, it was never intentional, and still isn't (I may post about this personal quirk elsewhere, at some point). I'm pretty much only attracted to a certain look that generally happens to be youthful and "pretty," and there's nothing I can do about it. 'Twas ever thus. :(

But here's the rub: no guys in what I consider to be my "eligible" dating age group even talk to me, except perhaps to wish me good morning or to say "hello" in passing. NONE. I work with several guys (personal trainers, front desk staff, and the like) whom I consider attractive, and we constantly engage in conversation and playful banter. That's IT, though. I'm never - and I mean, NEVER, EVER - asked out, or even flirted with (that I know of, anyway).

There're also a couple of gym members I kind of have crushes on; recently, I summed up every ounce of will and courage I could muster and forced myself, in spite of my horrendous social anxiety, to look them in the eye, smile, address them by name, and even attempt a few seconds of small talk - and this was after I'd caught them looking at me repeatedly from across the fitness floor. And...NOTHING. :evil:

For the life of me, I don't understand. Is it my height? Possibly; many folks over the years have told me that I'm intimidating. But the crushes in question, and most of my co-workers, aren't shrimps, and I'm guessing that some of the creepier middle-aged-and-older males who shamelessly leer at me (when they think I can't see them strategically positioning themselves on pieces of equipment that allow them to stare unencumbered while I work with oldsters in our supervised circuit :roll:) probably even have a height fetish, because many are on the diminutive side. Is it the IQ? I don't think so, because only the older/elderly members I work with regularly (and trust somewhat) know that I was a gifted child and that I'm a member of Mensa.

That leaves only the Asperger's, and there's nothing I can do to "fix" that. If I'm sending out odd signals, I have no clue. I also don't know how to flirt, so my smiles and attempts at small talk have probably been for naught, especially if they were only perceived as mere politeness.

I recently spent 2 humiliating, degrading, demoralizing years with a violent, narcissistic sociopathic alcoholic who cheated on me, just so I wouldn't have to be alone. I left the nightmarish "relationship" at the beginning of September. I met my now-ex on OkCupid; each time I've tried online dating, I've pretty much only attracted substance-abusing, personality-disordered fuckups and predators. I half-jokingly call myself a "monster magnet."

I have no idea what to do, and the crushing loneliness is killing me. :cry:


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JBlitzen
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20 Dec 2012, 9:44 pm

JBlitzen wrote:
Do you have coworkers you can ask for help?


Eh, not really. I feel like I come across as a complaining nuisance to my female co-workers as it is (most of our discussions consist of my bitching about our horrendous c*nt of a boss, who loves to bully me to no end), and I really can't talk to the guys about this stuff. :?

I *have* broached the subject and confided in some of the female gym members I work with, and they 1). can't believe I have debilitating social anxiety, and b). don't believe I'm an Aspie. Obviously, none of them are mental health professionals...but I guess I deserve an Oscar(tm) for my daily performances, then! They tell me that they can't fathom how it is that I, for all intents and purposes, don't exist to eligible guys.

I guess that should make me feel better somehow, but it doesn't. It's not like anyone ever says, "Hey, I have this smart, cute single friend..." or anything... :(


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1000Knives
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20 Dec 2012, 11:01 pm

I'm always afraid all the hot clerks at my gym will call me a creeper if I do anything more than say hi to them. Also, I don't know if they're being friendly because they like me or because they're being paid to. So I just lift things up and put them down and go home.

Also, some shifty stuff happens at gyms with personal trainers that are female. IE, someone told me their bosses sometimes make the females take their rings off so people will hit on them and think they're single, and give them false hope they'll have a chance with them.



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20 Dec 2012, 11:51 pm

That's true, knives. Women have pulled the "creeper" card so often these days that men are a little gunshy about hitting on women in the workplace or where money's involved or, well, lots of places.

SIN, I don't have much advice for you. Try making friends with clients, there's no rule against that.



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21 Dec 2012, 1:06 am

The halo effect of looks is massive and makes getting dates easy. But i think personality matters more long term. You need both.

The quiet ladys never meet the quiet boys that suit them because they are both quiet.



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21 Dec 2012, 1:55 am

answeraspergers wrote:
The quiet ladys never meet the quiet boys that suit them because they are both quiet.

I think you just described half of WP, heh.



steviewonderau
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21 Dec 2012, 4:46 am

being quiet and shy is a severe handicap if you are male and is seen by society as a weakness. however it does not matter if a female is quiet and shy because males are willing to lower their standards and they accept quiet and shy females. there are are more males than females in the world and thus it does not matter if a female is quiet and shy. males are expected to be confident, strong and outgoing.



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21 Dec 2012, 4:53 am

Why do you see it as "lowering standards" if a man chooses to date a shy and quiet girl?

A lot of men genuinely find such girls attractive. And really, unlike with girls, men don't put so much importance on the trait identified as "confidence" in their potential partners.

I don't mind dating a confident girl, but confidence or not, it's not a deciding factor for me. It's just a nice bonus to see in a girl.



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21 Dec 2012, 7:08 am

I've had boyfriends but its never exactly lasted....not sure exactly how attractive or unattractive I am since that seems to be pretty subjective. But yes I think its more likely some can and some cant than they all cant or all can.


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21 Dec 2012, 2:38 pm

1000Knives wrote:
Also, I don't know if they're being friendly because they like me or because they're being paid to. So I just lift things up and put them down and go home.

Also, some shifty stuff happens at gyms with personal trainers that are female. IE, someone told me their bosses sometimes make the females take their rings off so people will hit on them and think they're single, and give them false hope they'll have a chance with them.


Christ, I didn't think about any of this. I wonder if it factors in where I work..? :?


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21 Dec 2012, 2:41 pm

JBlitzen wrote:
SIN, I don't have much advice for you. Try making friends with clients, there's no rule against that.


Well, first off, I'm not a personal trainer; I don't actually have clients. I assist folks through our supervised circuit, and help them with general questions about the facility and our programs, etc. As I think I mentioned, most of the gym's patrons are retirees and the elderly, and those are the folks I normally work with during my shifts.


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21 Dec 2012, 3:40 pm

Well, as I said before, the issue is guys can't read the signals well, so they're unlikely to approach you. The best advice I can give is try to turn the obligatory "Hi" into a conversation somehow, and see what comes out of it.



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21 Dec 2012, 3:41 pm

MCalavera wrote:
Why do you see it as "lowering standards" if a man chooses to date a shy and quiet girl?

A lot of men genuinely find such girls attractive. And really, unlike with girls, men don't put so much importance on the trait identified as "confidence" in their potential partners.

I don't mind dating a confident girl, but confidence or not, it's not a deciding factor for me. It's just a nice bonus to see in a girl.


I'd see it as lowering standards in that it would not be fair to let something like that slide when those expectations are put on me. I'd want a partner who is equal to me, rather than one who can't stand on her own two feet.


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