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Grimdalus
Raven
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Joined: 3 Jan 2013
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 104

04 Jan 2013, 9:16 am

"And from the bottom, stir the hell within him for within him hell he brings, and 'round about him, nor hell one step, no more than himself, can fly by change of place."-Paradise Lost. I extend my greetings towards you all, children of order and chaos. I am Grimdalus, the dark sided aspergers. I was abused at an early Age and hurt a lot. I have been neglected and hurt in the past. I have been through hell so hell has become a part of me. I lie frequently, I don't trust other, I do have some empathy problems, I am hypersensitive towards facial expressions. I am disorganized and I try to be as flexible as posssible to stop people from hurting me. I have self harm and self image problems, I am on the verge of anorexia. I oftenly feel empty and that's when I cut myself. I have intense mood swings, one second I'm happy next second I'm depressed because someone is going out somewhere and I am afraid of them leaving me. I can get angry then sad I am rarely happy. I can get really angry and lash out on people. I have drug problems, drinking problems and spending problems. I am a sadist and I can be malicious if provocted. This is probably turning into a whiny post because I am a loser and a freak. I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was 9 so I can't really question it because it was done at an early age. I am 19 years of age.



Sylant
Blue Jay
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Joined: 2 Jan 2013
Age: 37
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Posts: 88

04 Jan 2013, 10:27 am

I don't think you are a loser or a freak. Life does get easier and better if you can forgive others, forgive yourself and accept help. I cannot imagine what it would be like to live with so many varied troubles, but i'm sure things can get better. The fact you are open and honest about yourself will serve you well if you do seek help, all you need to do now is find someone with the qualifications to offer that assistance.

I'm not trained in any mental health fields, but if I can suggest one thing for you, write down who you are. Not the symptoms or the difficult struggles you face, but simply the things that make you 'you'. I only say this because it seems to me you might have forgotten who that person is, and it's as important to know yourself as it is to know your weaknesses when dealing with hardship, at least in my experience.



AwakeningAspergian
Butterfly
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Joined: 3 Jan 2013
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 17
Location: Nowheresville, Minnesota, USA

04 Jan 2013, 9:48 pm

Grim, I welcome you to my life:
I was diagnosed at a young age and led to believe that I was a social freak because nobody taught me a thing about Asperger's. I was raised with the mentality that I would never fit in. So I didn't. I allowed myself to become the freak. I descended into hating myself and hating my parents for getting me tested and hating my town for not having anyone to befriend me and hating my school for pushing treatments and IEPs on me and hating the few friends I had for not understanding and back to hating myself for being the one nobody could understand. I cut when I was in middle school. I got into a relationship that was doing more damage to me than good for either of us. I got into fights. I got addicted to Adderall. I allowed myself to be violated by a relative. I was a mess.
But what fixed me? A new environment. A new school. A new friend. A chance to start over.
I transferred from my sh***y nowhere school to somewhere that actually fit what I needed: people who understood. Everyone in my school understands the pain I went through because each one of them has gone through something similar. Now is this school one of those special places they send autistic kids? Nope. It's a performing arts high school. There I've met the people who changed my life, who helped me fix myself. They helped me realize that my mom only meant the best, that my stupid little town wasn't my limiting factor, that my school just used methods that they were paid to use, that my friends were only my friends because we had nobody else, and that I could be understood. Since then, s**t has happened, but I can deal with it now because I know I'm not alone. Paradoxically, that gives me the strength to stand alone. Knowing them has bolstered my strength, but I don't have to lean on them for support.
My point is, talk to me, Grim. I can help you the way they helped me. I will help you. I may not be able to fix your life, but I can help get the stone rolling. Message me.



Eloquaint
Snowy Owl
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Joined: 3 Jan 2013
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Location: American tundra

05 Jan 2013, 12:45 pm

Hello, Grim. I'm glad to meet someone else who is hypersensitive to facial expressions. I was abused as a child too, and as a result I am hyperaware of people's expressions (though I can't always read them correctly) and of tension when I walk into a room-I can always feel it, but I can always identify the source, which is incredibly stressful.

I agree with Awakening that getting away from your old life and finding a new place, new people, new things to learn, is a big help in finding your way in life.


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Tim_Tex
Veteran
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Joined: 2 Jul 2004
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Location: Houston, Texas

05 Jan 2013, 8:40 pm

Welcome to WP!


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TedMart
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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Joined: 28 Dec 2012
Age: 60
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Posts: 50

06 Jan 2013, 8:32 am

Howdy Grim!

Just wanted to say I kinda agree with Sylant:

[/quote]I'm not trained in any mental health fields, but if I can suggest one thing for you, write down who you are. Not the symptoms or the difficult struggles you face, but simply the things that make you 'you'. I only say this because it seems to me you might have forgotten who that person is, and it's as important to know yourself as it is to know your weaknesses when dealing with hardship, at least in my experience.[/quote]

And if you do decide to list things, go ahead and take the risk to be brutally honest, you can throw it out later if it makes you uncomfortable. So consider your intelligence, which is obvious, your sensitivity, creativity, sense of humor, and your extremely valuable sense of justice.

I don't know if this would apply to you, but one of my biggest confusions for a long time was not being able to separate the wheat from the chaff about myself.


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"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." -Krishnamurti