Need help with this one re: someone else getting compliments

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My 6 yr old son dx ADHD and PDD NOS has a REALLY hard time when someone else gets a compliment. Its as if his world will crumble....even though he is given compliments at school also at times for instance, he will still get upset when the teacher compliments someone else for something and not him. Its almost as if he feels that means he must be doing poorly or something. I don't understand it. We have tried to explain to him that it is not a negative on him when someone else is complimented, and that he cannot always be the one to get all the compliments.

He is an only child, but I don't understand why he is so insecure? Can someone shed any light on this? I have a friend whose daughter is similar in personality to him who did this until she was around age 10 and it got better with age and maturity. (she has no diagnosis btw and she didn't have any reason to be insecure either. I think she finally just realized that she is better at some things than others and vice versa)

Any ideas on how to help my son see this issue in the correct light? I am not sure maybe it is just jealousy, but I guess I wonder if it could be some sort of social misunderstanding? I guess it doesn't necessarily have to be insecurity either since all little kids are narcissists to some degree but really, I don't notice his peers having this problem. I do worry for his future if I cannot get him to understand the concept that its ok for others to get positive attention, that it does not hurt him or make him less.

Looking forward to any insights anyone might have. Thanks!

I don't even know what advice to give you. Did you discuss this with the school counselor or his doctor? When I was his age compliments to other people didn't bother me but I almost always did things separate from the group, even in the middle of class. I'm tempted to say this doesn't sound like something related to ASD but I could be wrong. Maybe others have better insight into this, wish I could help.

I remember feeling like that as a kid...for some reason it really bugged me not to be the best at everything, as if I had to prove myself in some way and felt like I was failing if someone else got a compliment, since it indicated that they'd done better than me at something. I eventually turned it into a determination to do better than everyone else, and instead of arguing with or getting resentful over other people getting compliments, I used it as a goad to do still better. Maybe if you tried to focus him in that direction?

Considering his age it's not totally unreasonable for him to expect everything to always be about him, and while it might seem unhealthy there is still plenty of time for him to outgrow it. If you believe it needs attention (which I suppose you do, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here) like the poster above me said discuss it with his doctor and get some tips on dealing with it.

To be honest, i'm not a doctor or a parent, and perhaps this is an overly simplified and unrealistic piece of advice, but have you asked him why he feels the need to always be the center of attention? I'm not even sure if 6 year old children have sufficient self awareness, and like I said very little experience with kids so ignore that if it sounds silly, but I imagine it would be very helpful is he was able to communicate his reasons.

Thanks so much for the replies! I got something helpful from each one.

Wow, this really is how it seems to be with him too....I get the feeling that he too thinks that he is failing. He does have some perfectionistic tendencies personality wise. I wonder if he does this also because he knows there are so many things that are difficult for him (academically his ADHD makes a lot of things tough despite his intelligence level...he always asks me why some things at school are so hard for him and not other kids.) So I guess he wants to be considered being good at what everyone else is good at, and just hasn't learned yet that these things are different for everyone. (its just not usually so apparent by his age unless there is a problem like he has with the ADHD)

I do plan to talk to the school counselor about this...I have mentioned it already but she doesn't seem to have any answers. I guess low self esteem and ADHD are considered kind of par for the course. I will run it by his doctor next time we go. As for talking to him about it, I have tried. He seems to just get angry when I ask about it. I guess he views his getting upset about others compliments as just another failure. (I think he knows that it is not right not to be happy for someone else, he just can't seem to help it)

I wish the personnel at his school could be more helpful and not so negative about my son. Truly half the time when I get a note from a teacher who is not familiar with him complaining about his "ADHD" like behaviors I learn they are not even aware that he has it (as in haven't looked in his file) or really they just don't care. Guess they want a class of robots. Ah well.

You guys are brilliant as usual. Thanks for all the input!

Glad I could help! I didn't mean talking TO him, btw - not at that age *grin* I was suggesting the sort of manipulation my parents used so well on me and my brother. Such as, oh - next time he complains about someone else getting a compliment, offhand say something along the lines of 'Well, if it bothers you so much, just do better than him next time'. My Mom in particular is a master manipulator, and when we started hitting our teen years she started explaining the tricks she used on us so we could watch out for others trying to pull them on us as adults.

It all sounds very complicated, I can't be much more help from a personal perspective but i'll search the web and see if I can find any similar stories and how they handled it. I'll report back if I find anything helpful.

I sincerely wish you and the little guy all the best.

I have issues with the subject to this day; it's a sense of "how come they can't see how hard I'm working, and those other people are deliberately goofing off?". It's very similar to a good deal of threads in the L&D subforum having to do with other people finding relationships and getting married, incidentally that happens around me alot as well but I'm metaphorically preaching to the choir on that one.

I have improved somewhat that I can feel genuinely happy for someone who got what I wished for myself though it's rare. Obviously I have to know the person well enough to have a real concern for their contentment

I think this is probably caused by the perfectionism that many ASD people have in combination with the "self-centric" world that autistic people inhabit. You should be prepared for an autistic child to take longer to grow out of the idea that everything revolves around him than a neurotypical child - not because of any negative personality trait, but simply because of the differences in the way our minds work. We have trouble placing ourselves in another person's position.

I don't remember if I had this issue as a child, but I would sometimes experience some frustration or disappointment as a teen/adult when someone around me was complimented for their efforts in something and I was not. Logically, someone else being complimented should not make me feel less. But there are two issues I can identify here. If the natural drive is to strive for perfection, and someone else's work is held up as the shining example, that means they have achieved the coveted position of perfection and you have not. This does indeed mean something has been lost or taken away - the position of being the "best one" at the task, and/or the hope of achieving that. I suspect that this may be what your son is feeling. I think the suggestion that he use it to "just try harder" is a dangerous one, because it invites a lifelong pattern of trying to be the best at everything, something which only leads to frustration and disappointment. Instead, I suggest you assure him that he should not compare himself to other people (something particularly important for an autistic person to learn). He needs to know that whatever is his best is perfect and what other people are doing or being told has no bearing on that.

Related to that, in my case my emotional reaction was also due to the pure amount of effort I put into everyday things. As an autistic person many things are much harder for me than for a NT person, and so I have to work harder to achieve them. Like another poster mentioned, when someone I perceive as having made less effort at something than me was praised for the result of that effort, I felt ignored and frustrated, as if no one recognised the hard work I put into it. Therefore, make sure your son always feels seen and appreciated for something he has put effort into.

I'm a pretty emotionally well-adjusted individual these days, but this is something I've come upon in the past when I was less so, and I thought it may help to share it.

2 things I haven't seen mentioned yet. First, the idea that praise is subjective. Just because one person thinks someone else is the best doesn't mean they are right, it is just their opinion. This allows his ego to stay intact. The opposite idea is to tell him that no matter what, there will always be someone better. There are billions of people in the world and the idea that you will be the best at something (or everything) is absurd. There was a line in some SciFi book (Heinlein maybe) that said something to the effect "Think you are 1 in a million? There are 1,000 just like you in China." That may be too deflating at his age, but it was something that really stuck with me when I was young and full of myself.

As for the mother's manipulation, I grabbed the sig from 2wheels:
"My momma talkin' to me try to tell me how to live..."

and add the next line:

"But I don't listen to her 'cause my head is like a sieve"

Thank you all, I have gotten some really good insights. You all are so helpful and pleasant, and I sincerely appreciate all the offers of help and advice each of you have given.

Glad to see that my son is not alone in this trait. I like the idea that Qatsi64 gave about teaching him how praise is subjective. I also agree with the idea that his issues may not only stem from perfectionism, but also with the notion from Jinks that he has difficulty placing himself in another person's position (an ASD trait) which can result in his reaction (in addition to the ADHD impulsivity which I'm sure doesn't help.)

I agree, telling him to try harder in his particular situation would most likely backfire although it could work for some kids.... because of his ADHD while he may know what to do, its a disorder of performance so he can rarely do it on demand even if he wants to. (basically by the time he realizes he wanted to apply a or b, he has already spoken, but unfortunately hindsight doesn't seem to do anything to affect his future behavior)

RE: what Jinks said, "Related to that, in my case my emotional reaction was also due to the pure amount of effort I put into everyday things. As an autistic person many things are much harder for me than for a NT person, and so I have to work harder to achieve them. Like another poster mentioned, when someone I perceive as having made less effort at something than me was praised for the result of that effort, I felt ignored and frustrated, as if no one recognised the hard work I put into it. Therefore, make sure your son always feels seen and appreciated for something he has put effort into."

That is in essence what I think is mostly going on here. This is great, I really needed to understand but also a way to describe what he might be going through to his teacher. I think she just sees him as being disrespectful to the other students (that is, she sees his reaction as the evidence of a personality flaw especially because she also compliments him so she doesn't understand his inability to deal with others getting compliments).

On another but somewhat related note, it seems the school does not even want to say it out loud that he has the PDD NOS diagnosis although its in his paperwork. It is frequently "glossed over" all the while it may explain a lot about why he does things, not just the ADHD. The only one who seems to consider it is the school psychologist. Thank goodness there is one informed person there about the issues that ASD kids face. I wonder if it is because he is mainstreamed they don't even want or feel the need to consider the PDD NOS since he is not specifically qualifying for any extra help as a result. (btw clinically he still tests that he needs language therapy, but according to the school's standards, he is apparently not doing badly enough so he no longer qualifies for therapy as he did in preschool)

I still feel this way as am adult.

I don't say anything, all gets internalised. I wonder why the other person was singled out and why I wasn't, when I work so hard, dedicated, perfectionist etc.

I'm sorry his school is ignoring his ASD diagnosis. It may well be because hyperactivity, inattention and impulsivity are the most outwardly obvious and difficult behaviours for teachers/carers, especially in a classroom setting. However, I would be quite concerned about this, as it is the ASD traits which determine how he perceives, processes, communicates and interacts with the world, and not understanding the differences in his perception means not understanding the child and therefore not communicating with him effectively in ways he is able to understand.

Personally, I would say that of the two, understanding of the ASD traits is the more important, especially in the long term (being an adult with traits of both, while they do cross over with one another, since leaving behind educational settings it is the ASD-related issues which have presented far more dominant challenges in my life).

Jinks, thanks. I agree re: his school, it probably is because the ADHD behaviors stand out more. It also doesn't help that the doctor is not really sure if he has ADHD and a language disorder including auditory processing problems vs. PDD NOS or both and therefore put that in the eval. The doctor told us at the more severe end ADHD can look like mild ASD (in his case explaining his initial PDD NOS diagnosis at a younger age) and vice versa. I guess a lot of individuals with ADHD can have language disorders as well. I think as he gets older it should become more apparent if it is also ASD but the reason for diagnosing ADHD was to highlight that those symptoms cause significant issues at least in a school setting.

That is the tough thing for us parents with little kids...it might take years to really figure out the proper diagnosis or diagnoses, because there is so much symptom overlap (I guess its the same for a lot of adults too from reading what many have posted on this site). So for now, as a parent, I just assume its both and when he does something or has difficulties I don't understand that I think could be ASD related, I ask you guys for help or input


Also since he is growing up and changing many of his former more ASD like tendencies have improved (of course because everyone grows up and symptoms can change) so I think that might cloud the picture. I know one psychologist said maybe NVLD (non verbal learning disorder) and definitely ADHD. I thought NVLD was ASD? Anyway, as you know you can get many different opinions about the same person. I was kinda hoping as he gets older it will get more apparent as he can explain more of his feelings and motivations for doing things.

A good countermeasure against envy is to find yourself in a situation where you yourself are envied. You feel uncomfortable and reflect upon it, very likely connecting it to your own experience. Clearly those who perform (in whatever media) better are most likely to find themselves in the opposite position, as well as being more well-off, living in better conditions, etc. but people will find reasons to envy the homeless and even the deceased (the former supposedly have no responsibilities to attend, while the latter have no worries whatsoever). Life presents plenty of opportunities in terms of learning about yourself through another. Autism can be a hurdle in this regard because it impedes both the exposure (can't learn much if social phobias keep you locked inside) and the awareness necessary to understand it and correct your behaviour.

My daughter has a very strong sense of fairness, as do I, which in some circumstances can seem like envy. When she sees children being chosen for things and they're clearly not the correct choice, then it does get to her. For example, at the Christmas show, her class sang and two children were chosen as soloists. Honestly, one of the children was good, but the other simply can't have been one of the better singers in the class. My daughter realised this and it did upset her. She wasn't angry that she hadn't been chosen, but she was annoyed that this girl had been chosen. She told someone, confidentially, or so she thought (the other soloist, who also happens to be my daughter's best friend). He then told the girl. So, then is seemed like my daughter was being nasty, when she would never have said anything to anyone about it, other than her best friend.