Potential Asperger's, nervous about the truth

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Meem
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25 Jan 2013, 12:50 pm

Hi everyone

I am 20 years old. My life has been very hard so far for many reasons. I had a mental collapse last year, where I considered killing myself and I had to leave university for 6 months. Now I feel better, but I am trying to figure myself out so I can continue to be a functional adult.

Here are the symptoms I display of Asperger's. I am meeting with a specialist next week. I am worried that nobody will believe me because I am really good at appearing mostly normal, just a little weird. But I have had to work really hard at this, and also, I didn't have a mental breakdown for no reason. I have bolded the symptoms which I am uncertain about whether or not they can be explained by Asperger's, or questions that I want to be addressed in particular. Thanks for reading ahead of time. Your input will help me.

Rocking back and forth (only in private), hand flapping and rubbing hands together when excited (not very often though), pacing, 4-6 hour meltdowns until the age of 13, unable to be soothed as a baby, refusal to be touched even by my parents until the age of 15 (extremely rigid physical boundaries and sensitivities), hyperplexic (self-taught reader, 11th grade reading level at the age of 10) yet disproportionately slow speech developments including an early speech impediment and difficulty with casual conversation until about the age of 16; in kindergarten and first grade I latched onto one teacher but had no idea how to interact with my classmates. I was so severely impaired that the only way the school felt comfortable moving me up to first grade was by putting me in that teacher's classroom. However, I could have skipped many grades if I wasn't socially impaired because I was so quick-witted. Terribly hard time making friends throughout school; I only could be accepted by my cousin and without him I would have had no company for most of my life.

Inability to make natural eye contact, had to work hard to teach myself how to converse with others, occasionally not understanding sarcasm, slang, or social subtleties; hyper-sensitive ears, obsessions and special interests (either topics, hobbies, and one love interest), isolated lifestyle since birth, sense that I am an alien on a strange planet, difficult time relating to 99 percent of my peers for 99 percent of my life, a sustained belief that I am actually an animal or foreign creature for the first 6 years of my life. Sensory issues leading me to do stuff like relaxing in dark closets under blankets with headphones to “reset” my body each day after school, and which also led me to do other things I assumed were normal, repetitive behavior such as reading Charlotte's Web 30 times as a child or bubbling in the spaces of hundreds of letters throughout the school day or listening to a Rachmaninoff concerto thousands of times exclusively throughout a year, inability to form friendships until this skill was actively studied and learned, impossibly hard time as an elementary student with verbal instructions, dependent on daily rituals especially as a child, normally drained by and require a break from the company of even close friends that I enjoy and love (until this day), the strong sense that I am half girl half boy. Was in a war zone for a few weeks, and was extremely traumatized (still jump at noises, gory dreams), 1000 times more than anybody who went through the bombardments with me; I suspect this might be because of sensory sensitivities to the noise of the bombs, and overall emotional fragility. These are all issues which have been strongly prevalent and disabling in my life, but which my silence and withdrawal from the world has hidden quite well.

However, I stress that most people think nothing is inherently or neurologically different about me because I was in a top 25 university, have learned to assimilate; I suspect because I am above average in looks and intelligence (according to many) and have more female expressions of Aspie symptoms, people don't peg me as afflicted with Asperger's or anything else. I have already considered that I might just be depressed, but my symptoms are far outside of the boundaries of depression or anxiety, and those diagnoses I have had do not comfort me or help me understand myself any better. My worst fear is that, once again, I will be misunderstood by even a doctor. I suppose I really want this diagnosis, because I want to finally understand myself and the reasons why I've always been so different. Is this a healthy wish?



Last edited by Meem on 26 Jan 2013, 11:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

Chloe33
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25 Jan 2013, 3:34 pm

It's okay to feel nervous. Honestly though there is no reason to be nervous about a diagnosis. It's just a label, you'll be fine.

As for your comment about believing you were an animal or foreign creature the first 6 years of life, humans are just another species in the animal kingdom, if we look at it that way. I look at it that way, anyway.

It sounds like you have had a lot of very trying events in your life from being a war zone to sexuality issues.

If you have a good therapist, that would probably be the best thing. A good therapist you can trust can help you and work with you through different traumas and emotions you are feeling. I can understand wanting a diagnosis, as it puts a name to what is currently unknown.
Sometimes having a name put to something is helpful as then it's known. I'm not sure how else to explain it. Once something has a name, or diagnosis, one can research it more and actually seek out help for their specific diagnoses.

If you are top 25 in University and can Assimilate well, i'm sure you'll be fine. Give yourself the credit, and you should. Don't be nervous about the diagnosis, finding a really good therapist who you can trust and who'll help you is sometimes best. =)



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25 Jan 2013, 5:01 pm

^ Agree with everything Chloe33 just said.

I've noticed that most aspies feel better knowing that they "have" something because then there's this sense that nothing is wrong with you. You're part of a greater community with others that have had similar experiences once you're diagnosed with something.

If you don't get a diagnosis, I would shop around for another doctor. It can be SO helpful in school and at work to have a diagnosis to protect you so you can get accommodations when you need them.


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Logicalmom
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25 Jan 2013, 6:03 pm

Yup - it is a healthy wish, in my opinion. A diagnosis made a huge difference for me and I wish I was afforded the chance so many years earlier.

My caveat - you are still reasonably young, but you are an adult female. I suggest you do your research and do your utmost to see a psychologist who is well experienced and able to make a diagnosis in an adult female. This is not exclusively true, there are exceptions, but generally we are the "trickier lot."

Tony Attwood's site provides some good reasons for getting a diagnosis.

My best to you - keep us informed, please, LM Oh, and Welcome! :D ... I have to remember that ...


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Meem
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26 Jan 2013, 2:41 am

Thanks so much for the support, everybody. It really has soothed my worries a bit. I will try to develop a more assertive approach and advocate for myself.



Surfman
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26 Jan 2013, 4:32 am

dp



Last edited by Surfman on 26 Jan 2013, 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BunnyMum
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26 Jan 2013, 5:53 am

Hi OP, I would suggest that you print out what you've written above and take it with you to your meeting with the specialist.

When I went to see a specialist last year because I was pretty sure I have ASD I went with a written list of my reasons for believing I have it (it's now confirmed I do). Many of the things on my list are also on yours!

The specialist asked me why I think I have ASD and I pulled out my list. He said to put it away and tell him in my own words. I said these are my own words and I can write my thoughts clearly whilst my speech is confusing and jumbled and it wouldn't be fair if he relied on my verbal reply only. So he let me read from my list and I got my diagnosis.



Meem
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26 Jan 2013, 11:19 am

Wow, BunnyMum! Thanks so much for the tip. When I try to talk about why I think I have ASD, sometimes I might start with one of the above symptoms and then get lost so deeply in that symptom that the person cannot follow. I might describe about 25 details involving that one sub-topic of the original topic. Then, I will be moved to tears remembering how terrible my life has been so far (I struggle a lot sometimes with self-pity, though I am working on that.) So then I assume the specialist would be distracted from the main topic (all of my symptoms) by the fact that I am extremely emotional fragile while talking about it.

This has happened so many times when telling a therapist about my war experience or other things that I didn't even realize it could be avoided.



noxnocturne
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26 Jan 2013, 2:23 pm

Don't know what to think about this. Better keep my mouth shut.



Meem
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26 Jan 2013, 2:40 pm

Any advice will be mulled over, as long as it is respectful. I'm just trying to find answers.



zemanski
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27 Jan 2013, 5:56 am

Quote:
sense that I am an alien on a strange planet, difficult time relating to 99 percent of my peers for 99 percent of my life, a sustained belief that I am actually an animal or foreign creature for the first 6 years of my life.


This is very common, especially in younger children on the spectrum - Donna Williams (autistic author) speaks about this very eloquently and there are references all over the place in the ASC world to people feeling alien in their environment - book titles like "Martian in the playground" say it all.

Quote:
the strong sense that I am half girl half boy.


Gender dysphoria - not being entirely certain of, or comfortable with, one's gender - is not unusual and is considered a comorbid of ASCs. There seems to be a higher level of fluidity in sexuality and gender awareness in AS people, ranging from asexuality (people having little or no awareness of their own sexuality and gender, or that of others, and no imperative to engage in any related behaviours) to heightened awareness of gender and sexuality with all the differences found in any population. There is also a tendency for some people to present as androgynous - thinking of themselves as neither male nor female, behaving in ways that could be considered typical of either, etc.

Recent research suggests that gender issues are present in the ASC population at a higher level than in the TD population. One study of gender reassignment clinics shows a much higher percentage of people with an ASC undergoing treatment than was expected.

I'm not implying that you necessarily need or want gender reassignment, only using it to show that there are high levels of gender issues within the ASC community compared with other communities.

Typically, people find a path that suits them and I, for one, am quite happy now I'm older to feel I am me, rather than a male or a female. When I was younger I found it really difficult because I thought I should be feminine all the time like other girls but I simply didn't understand femininity and found I couldn't do it. I was a tomboy as a kid and everyone said I'd grow out of it but I just never did and I've never lost that sense of being male even though I also have the sense of being female. My partner is similarly non-gendered and we work well together - he is more male, I am more female but basically we are the same apart from our physical differences.

Quote:
Was in a war zone for a few weeks, and was extremely traumatized (still jump at noises, gory dreams), 1000 times more than anybody who went through the bombardments with me; I suspect this might be because of sensory sensitivities to the noise of the bombs, and overall emotional fragility.


There is a strong possibility that you may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your sensory and emotional fragility would predispose you to this in a war zone setting and it is now being recognised that people on the spectrum are more prone to PTSD than the general population - partly because of sensory differences but also because the way some people on the spectrum process experience and memory is different from how others might process it and for some people there is a tendency to visualise memory and to relive it as if it were actually happening again, entrenching the experience and preventing a person from moving on from it.



Meem
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27 Jan 2013, 10:55 am

Zemanski -

Thanks so much for that information. The war memories have been especially difficult for me, and have made me feel even more isolated than I had been before the war. This is because my family didn't react the way I did, so I hid my reaction because I was embarrassed and confused. I definitely do have PTSD, but I almost feel too conflicted and guilty about it to address it. However, I'm getting there!



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27 Jan 2013, 1:53 pm

Meem wrote:
the strong sense that I am half girl half boy.

Er, sorry to digress, but is this actually an AS thing? Because I'm the same way, and I thought it had nothing to do with my condition. U':



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27 Jan 2013, 2:15 pm

Yuugiri wrote:
Meem wrote:
the strong sense that I am half girl half boy.

Er, sorry to digress, but is this actually an AS thing? Because I'm the same way, and I thought it had nothing to do with my condition. U':


Some autistic people tend to feel androgynous. There is also an increased chance of being both autistic and transgender.



zemanski
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27 Jan 2013, 2:55 pm

It is not part of AS but comorbid meaning you have a higher chance of also having it if you have AS - like so many have dyspraxia



zemanski
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27 Jan 2013, 3:08 pm

Meem wrote:
Zemanski -

Thanks so much for that information. The war memories have been especially difficult for me, and have made me feel even more isolated than I had been before the war. This is because my family didn't react the way I did, so I hid my reaction because I was embarrassed and confused. I definitely do have PTSD, but I almost feel too conflicted and guilty about it to address it. However, I'm getting there!


glad you are getting there - ptsd is a serious condition and many people who have experienced war suffer badly from it but try to hide it thinking it is weak to react so badly (the macho culture of an army doesn't let people show that sort of weakness). It is nothing to be embarrassed about and there are people who can help - speak to your doctor about referring you for something cognitive behaviour therapy which is apparently very effective in ptsd