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MomofThree1975
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01 Feb 2013, 10:23 am

We knew that we needed to spend more time with out NT 6 yo but we were just so exhausted. Btween working full time, and taking care of our 4yo ASD son and 2 yo NT daughter, we were spent. My 6 yo has started acting up in school. From minor things to finally kicking a classmate for throwing away his snack to punching another classmate from throwing his paper on the ground. The teacher says no one was hurt but my son is normally a talker not a fighter. He is smaller than most of the other kids, very intelligent and has an "old man" communication. Then, he failed a spelling quiz. I told him he needed to study, he said he already knew all the words so I tested him with all his spelling words from Sept until now and could spell everyone of them.

I signed up my 4 yo for ST on Saturdays (starting tomorrow), but with everything going on I told DH that he has to go and do something with him for at least an hour so that he won't feel neglected when I leave with his brother. I also signed him up for ceramics and karate but they start in March and run thru June.

I was beginning to feel a little optimistic until my 6 yo school guidance counselor called me. I explained the situation that is currently going on at home and what steps we are taking to address it. He would still like to speak to him for about a week, after which, we will have a meeting to discuss what happened and work on solutions.

I know I am being overly sensitive, and I can't figure out why, but I just started feeling down again. It seems, as of lately, I am so much more sensitive and insecure. Gosh, I know I should be looking for the positives in this, but I just feel down. It will probably pass, as all these things eventually pass, but I am not there yet.



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01 Feb 2013, 7:46 pm

I have found that throughout this journey, I will have time periods in which I am absolutely capable and I almost even amaze myself with how well I deal with everything. Even when something major comes up, I handle it in stride.

Then: BAM!

I feel incapable of handling even the littlest of things. I feel like I am a crappy mom. I feel like a sham. Like I only appear to be good but on the inside I am incompetent and weak.

These things are never really correlated with anything, except maybe exhaustion. I will go through a blue period or a "funk." And then I just start feeling better again. Like I can handle things. Like I'm fierce and competent.

What I have found helps the most when I get into a funk is to stop thinking too far into the future. To just focus on each day as it comes. I practice positive affirmations and check my inner monologue. If it starts getting ugly and self-deprecating, I make myself turn it off. I catch myself saying things in my head like "I am so stupid" and I very purposefully force myself to change my inner tune by either repeatedly thinking "I have handled worse than this, I will get through this too" or something like that. But the thing that helps the most is to stop thinking too far past today, because that's what I think leads to my biggest source of exhaustion: the realization that this is my life and that it's not going to magically change. There doesn't seem to be a resting point on the horizon. So when I pull my focus back to "just today," there is a resting point. I get to go to bed tonight!

Hang in there. Times like this pass. And if you start to feel too overwhelmed, seeing a therapist might help, too.


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02 Feb 2013, 7:36 am

SO sorry you are having a rough time. I see the effects of my sons ASD trickle down to his little sister, and it pains me too. What does ONE person do? The day revolves around my son. He is homeschooled, he has after school activities, therapies and groups, weekend activities, etc... he is very needy and hands on kid and I find that DD is left in the dust most of the time. She is also picling up on some of his negative behavior, which KILLS me. My only saving grace is that she, at 3, is much more receptive to intervention to that negative behavior then her 7yo brother is or ever was.

Guilt, we cant do all for eveyryone all the time, Which kid do we choose to focus on? How do we split ourselves to give our all to everyone? Its hard and lonely work.
Hang in there, things will look up soon!


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02 Feb 2013, 9:24 am

Can you get any other outside services for your asd son? We are getting 7 hrs per week of aba services through our Child Dev Center. We are really seeing results from the therapy and it provides time for focus on our other son. I feel under less pressure since we started this therapy this fall.



MomofThree1975
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02 Feb 2013, 10:59 am

Thanks so much for your advice and encouragement. My 4 yo ASD son goes to school 5 days a week from 8:45 to 2:20. While he is there, he receives his therapy. For the most part, he is pretty laid back. His frustrations come when he is unable to do something he wants to do (like unwrapping a slice of cheese or buttoning his pants, etc) or, if he is unable to find the words to verbally express himself. He is in no way "over whelming" he just needs a lot of help with doing things that require coordination (like zipping up his jacket, etc). But because we spending time working with him on these things, when we come home from work, plus the baby absorbs even more attention than him, that leaves almost nothing left for my 6yo.

I spoke with the guidance counselor (GC) a bit after school when I picked up my 6 yo and this man is totally off. He talks a mile a minute, has serious hygiene issues, and spent most of the time telling me about all his "horror" cases. Apparently that was to make me feel better. He also had a lot of odd irrelevant questions. Now I want to withdraw my approval for my son to see him. I asked my son and he says he wants to keep going to his office because the guidance councilor is cool and my son doesn't have to do any work when he goes to his office. DH things I should just let our son see the GC for the week so it doesn't look like we are trying to hide anything

My son is pretty intuitive so I don't think the GC can do too much harm, but I just don't get a competent vibe from the man. Plus, his bad breath is horrible. I hate to think my son would be locked in a room with him. My DH is currently out bonding with the 6 yo and this will be our new norm, until at least the summer.

What would you do about the GC?



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02 Feb 2013, 2:51 pm

I would sign your kid up for outside services and tell the school you want to focus on academics. There are programs all over the country called "sibhops" expressly for kids whose sibings have special needs, and social workers who specialize in family dynamics.

I'd also be aware - not to freak you out, I don't think it is a panic thing - that often siblings of kids on the spectrum have symptoms of autism as well. It might be worth having a professional check to see if there aren't any unmet needs beyond the stress of having a challenging sibling (which is certainly enough.) For instance, your 6 year old might benefit from OT, speech therapy, or need help with executive functioning skills and those needs could be the real driver behind him falling apart at school, rather than anything else happening at home.

I know it's easy to say "don't be so hard on yourself," but a lot harder to actually do - but take care of yourself, too. Some states offer respite care so that parents can focus on something other than their challenges as a family; I highly recommend finding someone to give you a break. (I really liked how InThisTogether described things; that's exactly my MO, too!)



MomofThree1975
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02 Feb 2013, 6:00 pm

Thanks for responding momsparky. I have been ultra paranoid, watching the other two for signs but there really isn't anything, they are as NT as they come. I probably should have explained the classroom dynamics a little better. I like his teacher but everyday there are incidents in her class. While I was talking to her one morning, a little girl was kicked in the crotch. My son normally stays out of the fray. Her problem with him was mostly him goofing around or talking to the girls (he thinks he is a ladies guy). But since I go into the office for work more days now (used to be 1 or 2 days now it is 3 days) he has been complaining about me going to work and not being home when comes home. He also has complained about his brother keeping him up at night (but he wants to share the same room and sometimes same bed). He complains that there is not any space left in our bed for him to lay down after his brother and sister come in the bed. He also complains that his brother doesn't know how to play some games. This is an example of what was happening on a daily basis. I just didn't take him as seriously as I should until he kicked that kid and failed his spelling test.

He has no sensory issues, no communication issues and gets "a play on word", sarcasm, picks up on body language and adjust accordingly. He can read emotions well and has no issues calming himself down and verbally explain what is going on. He is however angry and jealous that he has been largely ignored because we know he is "okay". He has learned that he gets attention when he does bad things and is ignored when he does good things. He has been taken for granted and now it is for us, his parents, to show him how he is appreciated.

I will tell the school that we are looking at support groups for children with siblings with challenges. I just don't feel right about that GC. I just have to figure out how to do this tactfully so I don't look like I am trying to hide anything. This GC wanted me to give him my 4yo assessment reports. I just don't see why most of his questions has been about my 4 yo.



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02 Feb 2013, 6:10 pm

MomofThree1975 wrote:
This GC wanted me to give him my 4yo assessment reports. I just don't see why most of his questions has been about my 4 yo.


So far this is the only thing that has me openly concerned about the GC. He otherwise sounds benign, especially because your son seems fine with him (except for his bad breath! LOL!) I would ask him very pointedly why he wants them and back him into a corner of having to admit that he really doesn't need to see them at all.

I agree with your husband that it might be wise to let him finish out the week.


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02 Feb 2013, 6:40 pm

I am glad you're keeping an eye out...and I think some kind of outside group or family therapy might get you off the hook with the GC at school, and also might help your child figure out how to manage better.

Finishing out the week doesn't seem unreasonable to me unless your child objects.



MomofThree1975
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02 Feb 2013, 8:51 pm

I told my son that the purpose of meeting with the GC is so that he can find out what's been happening in class. My son then told me that the boy he kicked had kicked him earlier but he didn't report it. He then told me of a couple other minor incidents that happened which the teacher hadn't seen. Now he says he wants to speak to the teacher with me and he doesn't want to speak to the GC. The GC seemed like a good way to him at first to "skip" class but now he would prefer to talk to the teaher. I said I would propose this to the teaher and see what she says.

My son is very smart and unfortunately reads people very well. There is a part of me that is beginning to think I am being played like a fiddle. This kid is the type who will greet me with thumbs up or thumbs down to tell me how well he behaved that way. If the incentive is great enough (no reading) he will listen and do what he is supposed to do at school. I can't keep punishinging him by taking away his books since he has to read everyday for school. His computer and video games are not a big incentive, though he likes them. I think we will have to do some tough love and send him to his room when he misbehaves. Of course I will have to remove all the books. I do think the neglect is an issue but I also think that these school issues are his way of getting our attention. We have carved out time for each child now so I think that will eventually work itself out.

I am not a big fan of psychologists. I think they sometimes work off preconceived ideas and forget that each person is an individual. My son is not smart enough to know that as a child, if he plays up to their "expectations" it will be to his detriment. This GC seems a little quacky to me and everything in me says this is a bad idea. I will try the old fashion way first (parental involvement) before I consider any other option.

Thanks for helping me sort through this. I have a plan now and we are going to go the way that feels more "right".



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02 Feb 2013, 8:57 pm

Sounds reasonable and it sounds like you are in a better place. Good luck!


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04 Feb 2013, 6:59 pm

Good luck!

I do recommend the "sibshops" - we have an only child, but a friend sends her oldest son. While it may do nothing about your current issue, it does give the NT kids in the family the opportunity to be around other kids who have similar experiences.



MomofThree1975
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05 Feb 2013, 12:32 pm

We had another incident yesterday. My son didn't hit the child but he thretened him. When I spoke to my son he told me that that boy has been the ring leader and he was teased a few times while they were in the cafeteria. He was teased about like a girl in a higher and then he was teased for answering a girl they were all ignoring. He said he told the assistant in the cafeteria (just like I told him to do) but she didn't do anything about it. He didn't tell his teacher because he didn't think to tell her. He waits until he is so upset, he says something mean.

My son is very cute so a lot of the little girls like him (they like to hug him and their mothers have told me they really like him). I never knew he would have problems with the boys since he had always seemed so popular.

I have been talking with him about letting it goe. Meaning, even if he is being teased, he needs to ignore it. I remember being teased at school, we all were at some point, but I just kept my mouth shut until they move on to someone else. My son is not good at that. I don't know if the best decision is to help him to work on self control so that he can learn to ignore these things or if I should start complaining to the school.

I am working with him on self control though (as well as his father spending predictable one on one time with him). I just feel like the sooner he learns this life lesson the better for him. I am also a little startled that these kids start these bad behaviors already. The teacher had shown me a note that one of the "mean" girls had passed to another girl and I was supprised that these 6 yo could spell curse words. Maybe my son was a part of the "mean" boys in the past and now it's his turn. I don't really no. All I know is that this started around the holdidays.



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05 Feb 2013, 1:00 pm

I know your son is NT, but he might benefit from some of the anti-bully scripts that have been working with DS. We really liked the book "Diary of a Social Detective" but I think one of the best ones is right here on the front page of WP: http://www.wrongplanet.net/article410.html (the part about teasing starts at 7:34 - I've had good success role-playing ideas with DS, not sure how that would go over with an NT kid, but it's worth a shot.)



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05 Feb 2013, 2:31 pm

I don't know much about NT kids. It could be as simple as him needing to figure out how to deal with the other boy, that feels right to him. NT kids need to figure out social situations, too. Other from that, It could always be a bid for attention. That is also something that NT kids can do, too, especially if he sees your 4yr old getting a lot of attention.

If your son is not getting anything out of the meetings with the GC (smelliness aside, b/c that may bother you more than it bothers your son) and the teacher is fine with dealing with things inside the classroom, then I would just do it that way. Then you can stop answering questions about your other son. I would guess the GC is asking so he can figure out how taxing it all is to your 6 yr old, but a would think a summary from you would be sufficient for that. He might be really nosy.



MomofThree1975
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05 Feb 2013, 5:22 pm

The GC is beyond nosey. He is unprofessional. I don't know if he was trying to make me feel better but he kept telling me horror stories about the kids he has dealt with. One of the girls had a severely autistic sibling and he was telling me about her. He is also off. He speaks a mile a minute and their is something really off about him. I was more open to everything until I spoke to him and eventually met him. I am not going to parade my son's confidental evaluation around town.

My son had another incident with the same boy today. This time the boy grabbed him and he told the teacher. Unfortunate he kicked another child who had taken his paper. The teacher told him that we will work on it. I told my mom and she wants me to pull him out of that class but I need him to learn how to deal with these situations as they occur. He said he was able to count to 10 and breath to calm himself down.

My son has a habbit of letting these things fester until he just blows up. He also over estimates his ability to deal with these kids. One on one he is fine, but he caanot deal with a group of kids teasing him. He also does have a temper that we don't see often but it comes out when he feels he is being treated unjustly.

As for his brother, for the most part his little brother follows him around and eagerly watches him play his video grames etc. Their relationship isn't as close as how he is to his 2yo sister but they both seem comforted in each other's company.

But he is 6 so there could be a multiple of reasons why he is acting out. I will look at the info about bullying momsparky. Any kid can be bullied, even the cute little 6 yo who is loved by the girls.